Feeling physically and mentally exhausted. I knew it was important for me get a good nights sleep last night, but I couldn't manage to drift off until around 4am -- then, this morning, someone text me and woke me up at 7.30am -- even though I had specifically told them not to. Why not turn my phone off you say? Because I'm stupid enough to think that my so called friends will have some freakin respect. I feel like crap. I've been to the farm to sort my horse out, and have sweat buckets just doing simple tasks like filling nets and water. I now need to muck out my ponies - which I wanted to do yesterday but I was waiting for dad to come home and he didn't. I went to turn them out and it just felt like so much effort to WALK across the yard that I wound up crying, throwing and breaking my phone, kicking my shoes off, and carrying myself off to bed, where I lie crying, feeling like I have so much internal pain and rage and upset that I feel totally overwhelmed and don't know what to do with it. I want to cut but it will do no good. I want to OD but it will do no good. My throat is burning. I'm trying to stuff all these feelings back down because there's no good to be had from expressing them - not now, not ever, and I mean heaven forbid I ruin 'Christmas' right?

Oh, and my dad bought me alcohol. Even though I've told him I'm not drinking anymore because of my meds and the fact it does NOT mix. Well done. How thoughtful. Thanks for listening.

****** off.

[unaluna]

ugh ugh ugh. just got my once a year phone call from my brother whether I need it or not. how can he not know I don't have a car? EVERYBODY knows I don't have a car, it's like a major cool part of my major cool identity. I told him I probably wouldn't be able to rent one on such short notice. he asked how I was doing. I said I was making progress in therapy. he goes you still with the same guy? what is that supposed to mean? he always criticizes whoever i'm in therapy with, the person is never good enough. he even demanded to talk to my T the first year I was seeing him. okay i'm writing this so I can let it go. I knew the call was coming and I was going to be upset whether I answered it or not. so then he says, well let us know when you want to come back, you're always welcome. wth? isn't my answering the phone different? or is that not how you scripted my role? what an ahole. THIS is why T wished me to have a nice xmas. I had a really lovely day yesterday, but this morning call always kind of ruins everything for me. Well - i'm gonna go have my coffee, and then go lift something heavy. That will do me just fine. I did a de-hoarding chore last night I had been kind of dreading and it worked out even better than I expected, so I am really glad about that. it's a major load off my mind. and I will call the car rental just to SEE. I am only human after all. I am SO grateful for this site, you are truly keeping me sane. or something!

[PleaseHelp]

Just got a phone call from the girls telling us all the gifts they got. Technically only got to talk to one b/c the other was on the other phone with her maternal grandparents. The one we talked to told us everything they both got Love them, but really missing them right now. Also hard to hear of all the stuff they got, knowing that we can't afford 90% of that stuff and there is no way they got that much from us. I asked if they wanted a somewhat traditional Christmas meal for our Christmas together. The answer was yes. Then I got suggestions: ham, turkey, chicken, mashed potatoes, cream corn, pie. We get them on a Thursday and I work until 3pm. Not quite sure how this is going to work, but I'll pull it off its what they want.

Merry Christmas to all.

to all who are having a rough day

[Unrigged64072835]

Merry Christmas!

My daughter squealed at her gifts, and my husband dutifully plugged his ears. However, he got a voice-activated robot, so now he has something else to, er, amuse the cat. It was a small Christmas, but everyone pretty much got what they wanted. That bit of holiday cheer lasted, oh, about half an hour.

Now it's just chilling out until dinner. When I was little my dad would play with my brother, my mom would be in the kitchen, and I would play by myself. Now my daughter is video chatting with her friend in Texas, my husband is trying not to smoke-check his electronics...and I'm playing by myself. Some things never change, even at Christmas.

Extra if you're having a hard time today.

Ooh...chips and dip! Yay!

[beauflow]

so last night xmas eve was a surprise and stressful. My brother's girl friend called me to ask if they could stop by, I of course asked my boyfriend to which at first ignored me then said yes then when i got off the phone said "Great+ now we have people coming over" I was soo upset with him- i kept saying sorry-- sorry I want to see my brother that I have been stressing over for the few weeks cuz I can't get a hold of him and worrying about the worse. My boyfriend continued to ignore me which I was told he was not and that he was sorry that if he was he was just stressed with people dropping by- I told him that they were not coming till an hour or so-- My boyfriend and I talked more later after my brother and his girlfriend stopped by- I ended up chopping at the pizza due to I was soo angry and about to lose it with telling my boyfriend whatever and attacking but I just went to the bed room and was like leave me alone right now for a second before my brother and his girlfriend showed.

I was happy to see my brother, I told him that I was worried cuz we could not get a hold of him and how I contacted his two friends-- To my shocker- not really, that friend that I don't care for had seen my brother but failed to say anything-- yeah delete- I know my brother said "she's going through a rough time"-- who the **** isn't?

Any ways-_ I have ate, took my pill and I added vitamins since I am taking this god knows what it will do thing I am glad I ate-- Usually my boyfriend and I don't and we end up waiting till 16:00 to eat which then I start to crash due to I need food unlike people who don't eat I love my boyfriend

I feel a little crappy- we opened 1 gift last night, I had gotten a jacket for him that was on clearance- I got a size too big-- and sadly this next gift that he will open is a robe that I got on clearance as well that is a size too big-- I will try to figure something out-

But sigh- I am sorry some are having a rough time-- I too keep telling myself it will be ok-- I always have a rough time- I was rather grumpy a few hours ago when I got up- just a foul mood to which I seem to be getting out of-- Just my back hurt, and was grumpy from last night still and that my brother mentioned our mother- to which upsets me cuz why--- why mention her or our dad or anyone else that upsets up on an upsetting part of the year?

I told my brother when he made the comment as I handed him the chess board and bear I made-- His comment was: "I don't have too many found memories of christmas" to which i said: "That is why you have to try to make new ones"... always thought that and always will- he is going to his girlfriend's parents today so I am glad about that

I guess he wrecked his car but did not say how--- Idk we both have been odd this year- I wish to tell him more about getting help but this is not the time nor the place nor the people that I want around when talking about that-- i rather it just me and him.

Any ways--- I do Wish that everyone has a safe and pleasent holiday and even if the day has been crap---- or started as crap- there is still time to make a smile and I wish that for everyone..

I need to get dressed and we need to be heading off to his brothers (I am not looking forward too cuz his bro's wife does not like us- guess we are too low on the what ever scale- whatever) then to his parents to which I am having good thoughts and trying to remember it is ok-- I hope my head does not go chaotic like it did on Thanksgiving-- holidays are just hard but Try to make the best out of them.

[beautiful.mess]

Christmas is almost over. YAY. I am not feeling any more or less Christmas-y than I was the last time I checked in. I'm feeling like such an ********e about being such a crabby patty about the holidays this year. Went to church last night with dh and the kids for a candle light service and communion, came home to eat and watch It's A Wonderful Life. Couldn't fall asleep and the kids woke me up at 8:00. I'm always amazed at how it takes what seems forever to wrap gifts and only like 2.3 nanoseconds for the kids to trash it all. Now off to MIL's house where I will proceed to sit and read while the kids and the cousins run wild and everyone pretends they get along.

[crazycanbegood]

just another day. washed the dishes. messed up a batch of cookies.

[Nelliecat]

Have had enough of today now. Feeling tired and a bit tearful, still feeling a bit poorly. Off to Sister's tomorrow then MIL next day. Going to have to really watch I don't overdo it. I need to remember I don't need to be a full on sparkling party guest just to please other people.

I know this is only 'Daily Roll Call' - but today truly is the longest ******* day!

I feel bad for throwing a strop and going up to my room crying. Dad must have felt really sorry for me because he sorted the ponies out - mucked them out and bedded them down. I was so touched and grateful for that caring gesture - it's totally the best xmas present he could have given me today. I was feeling so overwhelmed by everything, so tired. I managed to pull myself together and spend a little time downstairs with him until I was headed to mums and he was off to the girlfriend's. I suspect neither of us is thrilled and we'll both end up home later feeling worse. I'm still waiting on dinner - which is just super as I've had, like, a mince pie and a ferrero rocher to sustain me all day. Mum was already pretty hammered when I arrived. She got me a few presents, but I feel like she could have put her money to better use. There are so many things I want and need, and she buys me a bunch of things I can't use. That sounds awful, but she just doesn't 'get' me at all. It's like she bought these presents for someone else, that's how it feels... But I smiled and pretended like I thought they were great. I don't want to be an ungrateful brat... I know she tried. I feel bad for even thinking this way. And writing it here. And all the things I told my T. I mustn't be a very nice person to think like I do.

I still have this awful feeling in my throat, and it's really bothering me. Almost like a bubble of air is stuck, and it will suddenly feel like it's expanding from the inside and I get this pressure/pain. I'm sure it's in my mind. I'm thinking Louise Hay might have been onto something, because I feel like I need to scream but I can't, can I? I feel like I'm holding in a violent rage - but against who? Myself? Everyone else? I'm not a violent person, and I don't want to hurt anyone - or myself, rationally I know it's not the right thing to do, but I just feel. So. ANGRY. So frustrated. But there's no good outlet for it, anything I do would be destructive, so I just have to contain it.

Ack. Maybe I'm over the anger now. Maybe venting here helps. Now I just feel sad. And HUNGRY. Geez. Hoping I will get to eat soon.

Hope you are all having better times xx

[unaluna]

I fell back asleep after my brother's call at 9 freakin AM! There was a rental car available - a mile walk away, uphill, at least it wasn't thru the snow! but it is windy out. I slept until 2! Got an email response from T this morning. Felt ashamed for making T work on the holiday, went with the feeling for a while, then transferred it back to where it belongs - it's my family that makes me feel ashamed, not T, never my sweet T. Had my coffee and watched "Olive The Other Reindeer" - so cute! She asks where is Rudolph, and Comet says, oh that's just an urban legend! So funny! Now I'm gonna make some spaghetti. Yum!

[OneRedRose]

got my new video game today, ive spent a good 3 hours playing it at least, some new perfume 'beckham signature' (dont judge me! I love the smell!) and my dad bought me a diary, which I then gave back to him, I dont need nor want a diary, and he left the price tag (£1) on it, we opened up the turkey to find some suspicious markings on it, was supposed to be free range the thing looked like it had been beaten, so we didnt eat it, luckily we had a turkey crown so my dad defrosted it quickly, I werent too bothered I hate turkey and didnt eat any, anyways.

I am very worried about a lump that I found yesterday, decided if its not gone by tuesday I will have to see doctor, hoping it will go though....its embarresing, not been doing T's excersises either, she said I could have christmas off, but I think she meant this weekend not like the whole week, heh, guess ill have to do extra work tomorrow.

[kaliope]

(((just some girl))) (((nellie cat))) (((hankster))) (((please help))) (((nicole))) (((Fharraige))) (((beauflow))) (((crazy can be good))) (((oneredrose))) Christmas hugs to all

My Christmas day has been good so far. Except for the texting that started at 8am when i was hoping to sleep in. Last night my son and I upheld our yearly tradition that we have been doing since my kids were kids of driving around and looking at christmas lights. He's nearly 23 now so I appreciate that he was willing to do this. We took his roommate and his roommates gf as well. He did make the comment that we forgot the dog, who always rode on the back dash. Kinda warped, but thats how we are. We did bring her last year out of tradition, even though she has passed on. We put her little cedar box of ashes on the back dash.

So today we open gifts and went to see Sherlock Holmes and now dinner is almost done. My daugther brought me the most wonderful gifts. She got me an I heart Grandma coffee mug with my favorite pictures of my new grandson on it and a silver bangle bracelet with turtles. I just love them. My son got me a sparkly mickey mouse watch with a tie dye band.

the most interesting part of my day was my neighbor. i was taking my trash out and the old lady neighbor had her door open. several months ago i was smoking in my car and she approached and asked what i was smoking. i smoke clove cigarettes. she asked for one. so the next time she saw me getting into my car she asked me "hey, you got any more of those clovers?" it took me a minute to realize what she was asking so i gave her a couple. so everynow and then she catches me getting in my car and will ask for one. so she wished me a merry christmas this morning and i returned the wish. then i went to my car and i had 4 cigarettes left in my open package and i figured i would give them to her. so i brought them down to her apt and wished her merry christmas again. about an hour later i get a knock on my door. she is there and hands me a card and leaves. The card says "To You" and she writes "I love you very" and signs it "love katie". i wasnt quite sure how to take this. it made me wish i would have given her a whole pack instead of just four.

well my taters are ready to mash. hope everybody is having a nice evening.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by kaliope

she asked me "hey, you got any more of those clovers?"

GO FISH! That's what we used to call "the OTHER black suit" in cards when we were kids - I can't even think of the name now! Clubs! Sweet stories, thanks!

Me again, lolz
I'm scared and confused and I don't know if my throat problem is real or anxiety. Whether any of my problems are real or anxiety! I hate second guessing myself like this. I can't trust my own opinion any more. About anything. Basic things. Is left left and is right right? Is up up and is down down? I literally don't know. My dad said maybe he should drive me to the hospital, but I was like "what are they gonna do?" I'll just wait on my results on my blood test/thyroid profile. (I have a friend who had thyroid problems who had similar symptoms to me, including the throat thing - she told me tonight after I told her what's been happening.) I don't know if I'll be more annoyed if it is or if it isn't, seeing as they supposedly checked for this 16 months ago at my request. I feel like my whole perception of the world depends on the result! Either I was right from the start and should trust my instincts, or I'm deluded and really really shouldn't. Trying not to panic in either case.

I realise how nuts I sound right now. I should sleep. (And just hope my throat isn't actually closing up like it feels it is...)

[WePow]

Today I used my words and sent this poem to T. I put it up on PC too.
The holidays are so hard. My T was abused by a relative when he was a boy.
I know that even if he says nothing back in email that he will understand my poem and related to this.

Just a few more hours
that much I can take.
How is it that on Christmas
so many hearts will break?

Can someone please explain
what is it that destroys
simple girlish dreams
or the smile of young boys?

Surrounded by family
blood-lined to protect,
who betrays us all
showing no respect?

Violating boundaries
as ancient as the wind
where is eternal justice
for relatives who sin?

Hours spread before us
a feast upon our plate.
Who stands beside me
while they love who I hate?

Rising from the table
turning toward the door
why should I have to hide?
I will run no more.

Memories of the past
no longer welcomed here.
Your sick ghosted footsteps
I no longer have to fear.
__________________

[nicoleb2]

Today was cruddy. I mean, nothing bad happened, but it didn't feel like christmas to me. As a family, we usually get together, but almost nobody was there today. I hate the holidays. I just want it to be done.
I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 this morning after si'ing and promptly throwing up... somehow that managed to get me to sleep. Then my kids woke me up at 7.

[mommyof2girls]

**** sigh ***** another night at work.....I can't take it!!!!!!

[Unrigged64072835]

Last night when I was reading PC about someone getting a video game, one of those errant neurons fired and I remembered something. I looked at my husband and said, "We forgot her video game!" Husband said "Oh (word you can't say on PC)!" After a mad scramble to our closet, we found the game and sheepishly gave it to our daughter. She in return gave us another minute of "You know how much I love you?" At least she won't be bored for a few days until she figures it out.

Today I should figure out the sewing machine I got yesterday. Maybe I will. Maybe.

[WePow]

Woke up this morning in a good mood. I am always happy the day AFTER the holiday! It is like I hold my breath until it is safe.

[beauflow]

((Everyone!!))

I am glad to read some good things and heart filled things on here today

So yesterday was not too awful- I was in a foul mood till I got to my boyfriend's parents basically-

I did do something that some may seem like a little B1tch but- whatever- i sat in the car when we went to his Brother's cuz I told my boyfriend- I really don't feel up to being in the presents of someone who really does not want us around- (Boyfriend's Brother's Wife that is)-- So I sat in the car, my Boyfriend spent about 5 minutes with his brother- Found out that the wife took the kid right before we showed to "get ready" -- whatever-- I know i have issues and I am working on them but this lady- geez - She is mad at my boyfriend and I cuz he was sick the day of their daughters birthday and we had to cancel due to he was sick- And she is mad at us for that-- She is mad at his mom and sister for "saying the name of the ex wife" when refering to a movie that has the name of the exwife-- I think this woman has some issues- so some what reminds me of my mom but not entirely and I was willing to get to know her but she has cut off ties to even the few that was willing to pass on her little things-

I would like to get to know her more-- just to find out what back ground she comes from- I really do, but she does not want to know us, and I am getting too tired of people being "stupid" in away of people being nice to them and them sticking their nose up at that... but whatever-- I feel a little liberated with not going in due to I really did not want to be just the "OH Great these people are here,,, fake smiles everyone".

So after that short short visit -- We headed over to his parents-- I talked with his mom and just enjoyed the time with them--I was excited to actually get to wear my cool gloves that my boyfriend had got me and I knew about- they are fingerless but have mittens too-- IDK why but I was like over joyed to finally be like yeah get to wear them now!! lol

I talked to his mom a little on my BiPolar (not ptsd though but oh well that i seem so much more ashamed of than anything and I suppose it is the reason on why of where it stems from)-- But she talked a little on that- her daughter- boyfriend's sister-- has some issues from car accidents and so on- Their Mom may not know all of MH but she does have an understanding to a point with it and even though they are very religious they support with taking meds to help people- so It is a good family support i think- she gave me a long big hug before we left for the night- I just wish I could explain that I am sorry for poking people with sticks but I am trying to work on it.

they were really nice and we had just a small dinner and with the 4 of us- I think my head was a little better cuz the kids were not there but then again it would had been nice if the kids were-- but any who

I am glad I got out of my rut at least some time in the day- I have apologized already for cursing, being loud, rude, and mean to my boyfriend-- I was not being out right mean but i was telling him I did not want to listen to his antichrist **** yesterday (he has an artist that he likes to listen to some times that has that lyric on it and I know I am not religious but I did not need something to just put me in a more foul mood).

I did mention to my boyfriend that I was sorry that I will probably have issues with holidays for time to come-- he still does not get it-- I am glad that he does not but yet I do wish a little understanding with it all-- that I may slap on a smile, and maybe with in the day be "ok" but idk-- it is hard--

but ya know what--- It is over this year!! YAY lol.. I will try next year not to wake up foul but no promises!!

Many hugs to everyone-- I do like the spirit of the holiday season I wish it would stay all year I do-- but I just have some bumps with it all that I am trying to make better by having better memories--

and I am sorry bout complaining again about this wife but she really urks me some times cuz people have done worse but yet they find understanding and common ground-- she refuses to work with others which is what I don't get-- she rather be alone, seclude the brother of this family, seclude the kids from the grandparents and unlcle and aunt and cousins--- I just feel it is a shame cuz My boyfriends family is like any other with their own little spat but they are not horrid people.

Like my boyfriend's Dad said-- As long as we continue to be a family with what we have- we will be ok, and if they don't want to share this with us, that is fine they can do their own thing

Be well all-- I think I may drink just a tad tonight-- I really wanted to drink yesterday but I did not- I knew it would not help, and I even got offered wine but I still turned it down... but i think i may take a shot or two, see what that does -- this med is confusing with alcohol- it is all over the board with what people experience... so only a little tonight

[PleaseHelp]

After our morning phone call from one of the girls, I wasn't doing so well. I kind of just became a zombie. Didn't want to deal w/anyone or anything. Had a hard time opening a gift from my SO. (We opened stockings, he forgot that part so I opened one gift. We wait for the girls to open all our gifts) For awhile I wouldn't even let SO comfort me or touch me, I was really struggling. He asked me if I would please take my PRN. I did, normally I only take it if he asks me to.

I tried to take a nap, that didn't work my mind was racing. I got to thinking that the girls' stockings are too small. For the past couple of years, we've been putting not only their stocking stuffers but also their Santa gifts in their stockings. Then I got anxious about how expensive stockings can be, even after Christmas. I finally came to the conclusion that I had plenty of jean material left over to make them stockings. SO said it was a great idea, but I needed to finish the blankets that I'm making for our nephews. (We aren't exchanging gifts until around New Years) So the blankets are a bit more complicated than I anticipated. I got one done, but it took me a good 2 hours. 2 blankets left to go.

Our other daughter called while I was working on the blankets. She's such a hoot. When SO answered the phone "Merry Christmas, K", she informed him that it was Pizza Hut calling to see how many pizzas he had ordered and when he would be getting them! LOL little stinker. I talked to her for quite awhile. It was nice to hear her call me mom, even though she was at her mom's. (Her mom must've been in a different part of the house or she would've freaked) It was nice to hear both the girls' voices. K informed me that she would much rather be with dad & I then at her mom's. That made me feel good, in a sense. I was in a better mood after talking to both the girls.

I was really in no mood to make a Christmas meal and kind of put up a stink about it. It's just this time of year is so hard for me, especially w/o the girls here. I was really wishing SO would just let this be any other day and do the whole Christmas thing when the girls got here. I did end up making the meal b/c I knew that's what he wanted. He was really impressed, I only needed his help a little bit. Now we have a ton of leftovers. It really sucks b/c now I have to clean up the entire mess. I'm really wishing we had a dishwasher. I rinsed everything last night. Now to find motivation to wash them. SO feels bad that he can't do them, since I cooked. But his hand is still recovering and he can't get it wet.

Well between cooking supper, as somethings take time to make. I made one stocking and then when we called his bro and the boys got to talking so I made the other one. I think they turned out pretty good. SO is impressed.The stockings were much easier than the blankets. Maybe I should take pics and post them on my profile.

A bit anxious and sad this morning. I've got a ton of stuff to get done and zero motivation. Also not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

Sorry for the long ramble.

Hugs to all.

[skeksi]

PleaseHelp, it sounds like you got a LOT done during just one day! I hope you are feeling better.

My throat didn't close up. It has felt okay today, which leads me to believe it was anxiety after all. It felt so real. I don't know what to think anymore! Have felt somewhat more relaxed today though, because Christmas is OVER I think. I had a few sleepless hours during the night when I woke up with my mind racing - wondering what to tell my therapist about it all , but then I managed to get back to sleep until rather late this afternoon. Got into a hot sweat again while at the farm, and one of the other horse owners was asking me about if I'd had a good day yesterday - I confessed no, as I peeled off some layers and fanned my face, and said I hadn't been feeling too well. Turns out this lady has suffered with anxiety and depression as well, knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, and we ended up having a good chat about it, about coping strategies, and even about therapy - she said she'd been to a counsellor for a few years, so I confided I'd been seeing someone too. It felt good to finally get it out there - I've been quite cagey with the truth with people I don't know all that well, because I figured people would judge, but sometimes it pays to open up a bit.

[PleaseHelp]

Not doing so great. So on edge. Got the dishes done. We'd talked about getting a different Christmas tree after Christmas. Went to look. I was let down, they didn't look much better than the one we have. My SO was like they're not on sale. I kept telling him that the flyer online said they were. He kept asking for the flyer. What part of "I saw it ONLINE" are you not comprehending! We looked at them and neither of us seemed that impressed. Then he wants to know which one I like and I just freeze. All I can say is "I want to go home now." I get a "what's your problem" and then we're going to a different part of the store. I ask to go home again - no, ask for the keys to the van - no. Then he says "make a promise to me right now that we'll never go shopping together again." So there's a total blow to the "face." Fine, whatever just take me home! I finally just tell him that I shouldn't be such a selfish little brat b/c at least we have a tree, and its not like anyone else cares but me. Hell all the kids care is that there's presents under it, they're hardly ever around to see it. So it doesn't really matter at all. I'm just a snotty selfish little brat. Then he drags me around the store with 2 big things in the cart. I can't even see over what's in the cart, so I'm trying not to run into anyone or anything and he's just wandering all over. He asks me what I want to look at. WTH would I want to look at at MENARDS! We check out. He's all huffy with me and we're now not speaking to each other. So I guess I'll never be going shopping with him again. The non-stop negative selftalk is going haywire. Its on repeat track, full volume, with the most horrible things going. But I don't dare say anything. He's crabby enough at me the way it is. Why can't I just be "normal."

Sorry for complaining. I just have nowhere else or no one else. I can't see the screen through my tears anymore.

[kaliope]

beauflow- im just the opposite. i would rather tell people about my ptsd. i am more embarrassed about being bipolar for some reason. i feel there is less stigma attached to the ptsd.

pleasehelp- i think you are selling yourself short buy accepting blame and saying you are a spoiled brat. it really isnt logical to get a new tree when yu already have one. it sounds to me from your description that you were filled with anxiety at that store and needed to leave and your needs were not being respected. that is not being a spoiled brat. that is honoring yourself and your feelings. i have many of times become overwhelmed while shopping for no explicable reason and my daugther would take me to the front of the store and sit me on the bench so she could go thru checkout and we could leave. now that she is gone, i really dont shop anymore. it is very sad that your SO could not be more attuned and sensitive to your needs. but please do not diminish yourself for inconveniencing him. He knows you have issues and has accepted that as part of being in a relationship with you. he is the one that is supposed to accomodate because, well, if we could, we wouldnt be seeing Ts and taking meds and hanging out on PC. You were just being you. You were doing the best you could at that moment. And you did a great job expressing your need again and again asking to go home. You cannot help it he chose to ignore you. But you are not a bad person because of this. You need to know that.

I feel the need to go shopping and hit all these bargain sales that I never could afford before. But the thing is I really dont need anything, so I would just be hoarding crap. I just cant seem to get the idea of "great deals" out of my head.

I slept thru to noon today. I am still sick. Coughing a lot. Dont think it is quite bronchitis yet. Still have tomorrow off. then work two days and then another four days off. Getting lots of rest but it doesnt seem to help it any. My sister is going to send me some antibiotics, but everything is clear so i dont think i really have an infection.

Well hugs to all. Glad to see everybody made it through the holidays alive.