[beauflow]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I can imagine containment being just watching, not making any decisions immediately -- watching and thinking about what is going on...

That is a great example--

I wish my t had words like some days- maybe she has said it in that form but today was what I had posted...

But what to do when you watch, think about it and still have anger due to you have thought about it in different ways, angles (really have) yet the invalidation, or the unrighteousness is still there?

When to come back is one of my problems. all in time I know, I know- work in progress with it.

Tonight or Tomorrow will be talking about something very hard for me to even recognize and admit it to myself- let a lone talk about it out loud.
blah.

We must do what we must do some times right
hugs to all of you on here

hope some feel better

the ones feeling at best or better, hope you stay that way

[nicoleb2]

saw my t today, admitted how I have been ,feeling, made a deal with t to stay safe.

Then I went to dbt. One of the group members gets angry about pretty much anything we (other group members) talk about on our break. She was really angry today, things got really tense again, and I shut down.

Literally hands over my ears, felt like my world was spinning, no idea how long it was shut down.

After that, I walked out of group for a while, and ended up having a group leader follow me and ask if I was ok, at which point I told her I'm not talking in group, for anything anymore because I don't feel I can safely discuss anything in there anymore.

Somebody tell me to go to bed. I'm having trouble winding down. We went to the high school basketball game tonight. It was lots of fun even though we didn't win. But I always have trouble going to bed when I've had that much stimulation in the evening. Just like a kid I guess.

I see T tomorrow and again on Thursday. Much processing to do; it will be difficult but I know it is absolutely necessary to process this stuff. I've never shyed away from working on these matters; somehow I'll find my way through it.

Okay. I'm going to try to go to bed. Night.

[mommyof2girls]

Back at work today.....wishing I could just say hell with it and go out on SSI or SSDI...... But unfortunately that will never do.... cant live on that amount of money a month.....

[Nelliecat]

T again today so more resistance, tears, awkwardness, stomach churning etc, etc, etc.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by beauflow

But what to do when you watch, think about it and still have anger due to you have thought about it in different ways, angles (really have) yet the invalidation, or the unrighteousness is still there?

Maybe that is reasonable. Maybe being angry is the right response! Now what can you do that is constructive, using the anger?

The clinic or the lab or someone 'lost' my blood test. No record of it, apparently. So I get to go for another one tomorrow, and have someone else gawk at my arm. Yaaaaay. At least after that I have another session with my T, though I have no idea what we're going to talk about, my mind feels strangely blank at the moment! It's not like I have no issues left, I'm sure we can home in on something... I was supposed to have made enquiries about volunteering... does googling count as making enquiries? That's as far as I got ... yah, well, depression messes with your motivation and stuff... AND decision making!

[nicoleb2]

Found out at my daughter's pdoc appointment today (for adhd) that not only have I fcked up my life, apparently I am with hers too.

Newly added to her record are prolonged grieving and potentially depression.

This just furthers my belief that she would have been better off without me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

This just furthers my belief that she would have been better off without me.

That sounds to me like an echo of past judgements that you were subjected to -- that mistakes are to be met only with punishment. Do you agree with that way of looking at things?

Even if true -- she probably would not even exist except for you -- the thing to do is to look to the future, not the past, and to learn how to improve it. That, at least, is something that you can hope to work on.

[WePow]

T got sick at the last min and I didn't get to see him. I hate that I missed him - I needed to see him. But I am very glad he didn't get me sick! I am depressed today big time and was shutting down at work. Was using my resources best I could. Just exhausted I guess.

Ok so I'm coming... Can't promise complete honesty , but I'm gonna be there... Baby steps

[Evis]

Feeling anxious and sick from the anxiety. Can't stop ruminating over yesterday's therapy session.

[kaliope]

Normally I dont have an issue with only having therapy every other week, but having seen T last tues seems so far away and next tues seems even farther. Its not that I am in crisis either. I just dont seem right. And I feel that if I went to see T I would just sit there with nothing to say, just feeling better to be there. Im not that attached to therapy to understand this.

Hugs to all..............

[pbutton]

Dear T,

I'm starting to worry that I'm not going to make it until Thursday. I'm either going to drive myself crazy or give in to the urge to avoid my appointment. I'm not having a very good night. My face is numb, my chest hurts, and I'm crying. The stupid balled-up, shrunken type of crying. I'm almost ready to go take one of my pills. I know you'd tell me it's ok to use them as a tool. They scare me. I can't even let a pill help me. No wonder I am always so tired and scared.

[Nightlight]

I had my appointment today. Yay, best day of the week, having T's help and support.

I struggled to talk last week, my first appointment of the new year. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I felt so self conscious. I was only able to talk properly, access the feelings that I shut away, in the last five minutes.

Today was much better in comparison. I took in writing for T last week but wasn't brave enough to share it until the last five minutes when I started to open up, so she didn't have time to read it, though she read a little. She read the rest today and was really helpful. It was big stuff for me. BIG feelings about how I feel like once the appointment is over our connection is gone, about missing out on having supportive parents, about how big losing her help would be for me. she offered (and asked) if it was okay for her to send a text every now and then to check in with me, thinking it might help me feel like she doesn't go away, vanish completely at the end of my appointment, that I still exist to her.

T's away next week. She told me she was thinking of going away some time in January for a week but when I checked she said she wasn't sure she was going to go. She is going though, so no T next week. She forgot to tell me that she'd decided to go and I like that it feels okay. Once that would have been so hard for me to handle but now it's okay. I'll really miss having some help and support next week though.

I feel like I've missed out on so much. The life I've created for myself isn't great. I can't believe I can go and see T and she helps to make everything a little better. It's such a gift. I'm so thankful for T.

[mommyof2girls]

Yikes still feeling very irritated today and into this evening......I see my t this morning at 10:00 a.m. ...... then my pdoc tomorrow a.m..... I think a med check is in order....I really hate feeling like this.... I can't even stand myself!!!!!!

The awkward moment you go for a blood test - AGAIN because they lost the first one - and the nurse (a different one otherwise it wouldn't have mattered) can't get it from your right arm - AGAIN - so you ask her to try the back of your hand - but she can't get it from there either (what is wrong with my veins?!) - and so she ends up having to take it from your left arm with all the self injury scars ANYWAY, and this is AFTER mucho prodding with the needle - and what with the needle and the blood and the fact you get yourself in a tizz because you don't want another stranger to see your scars... and you have a Panic attack. And have to sit there with your head in your hands, all sweaty and pale and nearly vomiting/fainting. As if things weren't already going to be embarrassing enough.

I have about half an hour to compose myself and get over it before I need to drive to T

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

The awkward moment you go for a blood test - AGAIN because they lost the first one - and the nurse (a different one otherwise it wouldn't have mattered) can't get it from your right arm - AGAIN - so you ask her to try the back of your hand - but she can't get it from there either (what is wrong with my veins?!) - and so she ends up having to take it from your left arm with all the self injury scars ANYWAY, and this is AFTER mucho prodding with the needle - and what with the needle and the blood and the fact you get yourself in a tizz because you don't want another stranger to see your scars... and you have a Panic attack. And have to sit there with your head in your hands, all sweaty and pale and nearly vomiting/fainting. As if things weren't already going to be embarrassing enough.

I have about half an hour to compose myself and get over it before I need to drive to T

As someone who is usually at the other end of the sharp pointy object I have to say that a LOT of people, seriously a LOT end up in a complete panic over a blood test that is hassle free, let alone one that isn't. Really, really sorry your experience was bad but it wont be the worst thing they had to see by a long shot!

[Nelliecat]

I have had a challenging morning. I go and keep an elderly lady company and do some of her housework. I love her and will do anything for her and hearing she'd had a fall yesterday and been on the floor alone, unable to get up for 5 hours really saddened me. She also had a toilet accident very early this morning and another fall, but her son, who had come to help couldn't manage to clean the floor properly after. I had a go but found it really, really hard to cope with. I'm feeling ashamed of having this reaction, of course I didn't show her how I was feeling. Her welfare while I'm there is paramount and also her dignity. I think this brings home the idea of getting old, dying and being alone, all of which terrify me.

Going to talk to T about this tomorrow. I'm also feeling sad after T deciding it's not in my best interests for her to self disclose. I feel shut out and upset that I'm most definately not a part of her life. Got a friend coming for a cuppa later so maybe that will lift me a bit.

[WePow]

Well, if my T is better, I can see him today. It is a very rainy day. I woke up more exhausted than when I went to sleep. I hate winter. Just feeling very depressed this week. I keep stopping in here on PC and read the posts, but I feel bad because I don't have energy to say anything. It is not easy to just stay with this emotion - whatever it is. I am not even sure how I will put this into words for session.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I'm almost ready to go take one of my pills. I know you'd tell me it's ok to use them as a tool. They scare me. I can't even let a pill help me.

You don't have to decide ahead of time that they are OK. Maybe you could try to observe what effect the pill has on you, and then decide that it may be OK, it may be good, or it may not be good. You are part of the deciding process too.

[delicatefade26]

I'm so confused by my emotions this week-I feel on top of the world-excited about life one moment then I can feel like I hate everything (including myself) and wanting to end it the next...ugg...I want to connect with T so bad...I thought I was doing ok without him since he is sick but I feel myself slipping : (

Bah! I've actually been in a good mood since seeing my T on Friday night... but then what with the blood test this morning and the panic attack, then having a T session that was fine but where I felt a bit disconnected... I'm left feeling a little flat, I guess. I hate when I feel like I didn't make the most of our session, it feels like a missed opportunity. Also, I'm back on the track of driving myself crazy with questions I don't feel I can find the answers to... (with or without the 'wise old lady' from the hypnosis/visualisation...) I know I'm feeling better, otherwise I wouldn't even CONTEMPLATE these questions, I'd just bury my head back in the sand, but still.. Ugh!

I will NOT call my T for another session this week! I will sort out these thoughts and I will cope with them! Or something... My mind is so muddled and puddled...

Edit: Annnd having some pretty bad urges to just totally binge now. Fast food drive-thru or a supermarket run for some chocolate... Not been eating much lately, I might cave in a big way. Someone needs to confiscate my car keys!

[nicoleb2]

I feel physically and emotionally awful today. Called and left a message for my t again, I really hope she calls back.
So much going on between my issues, chaos/conflict at dbt, and now issues with my daughter that are my fault.
I am starting to feel really detatched/weird again and I don't know if it's all in my head, being physically sick, or medication issues.
I hate my life

[crazycanbegood]

still committed to living a healthier life and I feel better than ever, except when I don't! Though okay it could also be because I am taking 400 mb of wellbutrin now. BLAH!