[Elli-Beth]

My T has often encouraged me to contact him when I need to, and I'm just wondering how others who contact their T between sessions decide when it's important enough and when it can wait.

Some stuff is obvious to me, like major incidents, but it's difficult for me to tell what's really bad and what isn't, because I had to learn to handle almost everything on my own without help and I learned to just accept stuff that people shouldn't have to.

And yes, I'll be clarifying with him during our next appointment. I'm just wondering because today is one of those days that I want to reach out to him, but it's also a Sunday (he's very faith-based, so it's not like some random Tuesday...) and I'm going to see tomorrow after work anyway.

I hate decisions...

I e-mail him pretty freely, because I know it's okay, and that he will just read them when he has time, so it doesn't feel like too much of an intrusion. E-mailing makes me feel safe, like we're kind of connected (I picture a little line on google earth connecting my house to his). He likes me to feel safe.

I'm a lot more hesitant about calling and asking him to call back. I only do it if I'm really really triggered. I called him earlier this week, and it did give me a lot of relief. I was glad I called.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's really hard to know when to reach out, isn't it?

[unaluna]

Sometimes I will write the email then save it in the draft folder and see if that is enough.

If it was a phone call I got that is going to have me obsessing and virtually catatonic for the rest of the day and it's pretty bad, and I need T to hit my reset button, I will call and ask for a callback. Sometimes in the process of making that call I will feel better and say so.

Hope this helps.

P.s. And friday night I texted him about a tv show, which I felt like an IDIOT doing, because he's way too cute to be home alone on a fri nite? but I had PROMISED I would the next time this particular person was on, and I am working on not feeling unwanted? so I did, and he replied thanks, and THEN he texted again implying he had watched it, but I can't believe it! I know, i'm pathetic.

[SilentLucidity]

I wish I had a good answer for you. I feel trapped in indecision with that at times too. Maybe you could find a "happy" medium. What if you called or emailed to say what you need to and tell T that you are not looking for a reply, that you just needed to reach out, and you can talk more about it in session? Would that be a good in-between? I have done that from time to time and it has helped me feel connected but not bothersome.

Good luck.

My T and I don't use e-mail, so calling him is my only option (which is perfectly fine with me). I don't have a problem calling pretty freely during his work hours, but in the evenings and on weekends I really take some time to decide if this is something I can work through on my own, even if it is uncomfortable; or if I am in true distress that I can't cope my way through, particularly if I am suicidal. It isn't a terribly difficult decision from there.

[Hope-Full]

For me, like hankster said, sometimes just writing out what I want to tell T is helpful enough (I don't have email contact with T.) Sometimes I'll just call and listen to the message on Ts voicemail (I have permission to do that whenever I need.)

If I'm feeling like I really need T, I will often write out the message I want to leave. I'll then wait a bit, and if writing it out didn't help, listening to Ts vm message didn't help, then I'll actually call and leave the message. I have yet to ask T to call back, though.

T once told me that it's better for me to call before I hit crisis mode, then to wait until I'm in the middle of a crisis, or worse, not call at all, and then explode (figuratively, of course) at my next appointment.

But like you said, I've been so self sufficient for so long, it feels really strange to be able to reach out for support.

[purple_fins]

but it's difficult for me to tell what's really bad and what isn't, because I had to learn to handle almost everything on my own without help and I learned to just accept stuff that people shouldn't have to.

Yes, I can sure relate to this! I'm sorry you also don't know what situation calls for support
Every situation I was in as a child was brushed under the rug- from being held against my will repeatedly(at 6 yrs), to being taken at night to break into a closed warehouse(at 3 yrs) to being held at gunpoint(at 8 yrs) to being attacked by a family member (at 14 yrs)-- to name a few..... it's all
--nothing to talk about.

I've been told in the past by a T.-- "do you want to call or come in an extra day?".. during a horrific situation... and I'd be confused, shocked and speechless as my mind is so used to being alone and going numb..... I never even thought about leaning on someone for ANY kind of upset, let alone a horrific one.(I declined the offer)

Now I will just contact T. if it's out of my grasp to cope with-- like I'm not able to untangle things, don't know how to respond to the situation-- it's usually quite a dire situation though, where police or psych-ward is involved-- otherwise, I wait till the next session.

Maybe, since you see T. tomorrow you can hold off? ... but.... if it's feeling WAY to huge to cope with-- I think it would be fine to call/email-- that way your T. can see what upsets you and what can be worked on as far as coping/problem solving.
Good luck Elli-Beth let us know how things go.

fins

[unaluna]

Yeah, I think the lesson for us "independents" is more in the reaching out. Whenever I say, "I almost called you this weekend" T says, you should have, why didn't you? The bother to them, is less than the possible therapeutic gain to us, not just for the immediate problem, but in the act of reaching out and being heard and responded to, and whatever THAT does to our poor hurt litle hearts and brains. Instead of always taking care of THEM, being our parents' and our own caretaker, we get taken care of, we learn to trust. Very difficult for us.

[(JD)]

My advice would be to wait if you can... but if all you're thinking about is how much you think you need to call/contact the Therapist, then go ahead and do so. No T wants their patient to suffer needlessly.

Sometimes just calling and leaving a message saying, You don't have to return the call, I just wanted to make contact...or something like that will ease your anxiety.

An email of the same might work.

If that doesn't work...and you find the next hour or two are miserable as well, then call or email again and say something like "that didn't work, can you please call me if you can?"

If you really are distraught, then for sure ask for T to call you back as soon as he/she can the first time. If it's inconvenient for the T, or they don't get the message right away, of course they will wait until they can give you undivided attention time. But then, if the T knows you don't abuse the contact "rule" he/she might call you right away anyway, hoping to ease your angst sooner than later. ( My pain T called me from a U of M football game once! Bless his heart.)

BTW I would give a brief description of what is causing your immediacy... or what overwhelming symptom you're having trouble with, to give the T a head's up? Don't be surprised if you left a long description or email describing the whole situation that the T actually doesn't read or even pick the message up... T might just see you call/emailed with a request or paged T urgent...and called you direct. (So don't be disappointed if you wrote it out and have to give it to T all over again, I mean.)

[alwaysrejoice]

My T has also asked me why I didnt call when I was having a major episode. I told her I didn't feel like it was an "emergency". She explained that if I have an "urgent" need to call. It doesn't always have to be life or death situation.

[ECHOES]

I can call my T between sessions, and it doesn't have to be when I'm in crisis. I can leave a message, and if I want a call back I ask. If it relieves me to just leave the message, then I don't ask for a call back.

I talked to T once about calling and asked what patients call about. She said sweetly 'anything'. The need doesn't have to qualify, or pass any test.
I told her also that I was afraid I might call too often, and she said to not worry about that, if that happened, then we would talk about it.

[CantExplain]

My therapist has forbidden me to email her.

[Ygrec23]

Very interesting replies. Very different from my T. I get the STRONG impression she doesn't want me to call, or even send emails for that matter. I've never even thought about calling her. But I have sent her emails.

And it's ticklish. I think (I'm not sure, but I think) that she wants me to deal with tough times on my own. To fight them out. To see what I can do. She's always willing to give me extra appointments if I want them. And I really don't have a problem with her way of doing these things.

I'm very interested to see that so many T's are so permissive about calls, though. Take care!

[OneRedRose]

My T always says I can contact her, and that I can call crisis lines when shes not in office, But I have only ever called her three times 1) because I didnt have my timetable in bag to arrange a suitable time for her to call me for weekly check up, so I called when I found it at home, 2) because I wanted to ask something about what she had said in the appointment, 3) because I felt so incredably empty and I just needed someone to hear me, just for a minute.

the third time was not my worst state, I refuse to talk to anyone in my worst states, T knows I wont phone crisis lines and my promises that I will are lies to keep her happy, but I called her because I knew if I didnt, id just never drag myself out of that moment.

[confused and dazed]

I can email or call my T any time. I sometimes will email if I have a thought/revalation about something that was talked about in the previous session. I have also emailed if T said something that bothered me. (T always emails me back and thanks me when I tell T what he did bothered me). T does not do "therapy" in emails and will email me saying we will "talk" about it next session. I usualy do not call unless I have been triggered bad. When I do call, he usually calls back within 10-15 mins and will talk with me until I can calm down. T then thanks me for calling him.

Hugs

[(JD)]

That's an important point you make C&D... good therapy just doesn't happen on the phone or in email much at all, and most don't use that time to try... (unless it's a phone session) ... the 3-10 minutes are to patch you up and help you survive whatever feelings are taking over until your next appointment. Or, as some say, to make a sooner appointment.