[zooropa]

T said I have to be done. She said there's no point in doing trauma work because trauma will just keep happening. She said there's no point in waiting until I'm more stable because I'm as stable as I'm going to be.

I can't quit crying. I can't cope. I'm so torn up. I love her and I hate her. I want to see her tomorrow and I want to never see her again. I am confused and hurt and sad and at the very, very end of my rope.

I don't know if coming here will help me or hurt me, so if it's too hard then I'll stay away. On the other hand, maybe I will need the support. I don't know. I can't even imagine how I'm going to get through the rest of the day.

I don't know if I can survive this, and I don't know if I want to.

[googley]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't even know how to reply except to say that this sounds so awful. It sounds so painful and awful. I am so sorry this is happening. It really sounds like your T as has been mentioned before, may be burning out. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please let us here at PC know how we can support you.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))) Big gentle hugs xx

Oh, ZOO!!

Does she mean NOW? Or does she mean setting an end date?

It sounds so painful. I'm so sorry.

Remember that you are the same brave, wonderful zoo. Sometimes when things get really bad, I lose track of myself. You are the same you who deserves love and support and compassion. No matter what.

[rainbow8]

((((((((zoo))))))))

When do you have to be done? Wasn't ending something you knew about before, but your T has kept delaying? I know how difficult this is for you and I'm sorry it's got to be this way.

[rainbow_rose]

safe hugs for you, zooropa

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Zoo,

I know how awful something like this feels, it is terrifying and so upsetting all at once.

It sounds like this came out of the blue for you, is that right?

Did she say this on a phonecall or email? I sm just wondering as you talk about seeing her tomorrow?

*****massive hugs****** I think you are right to do what feels best for yourself at this very tough time and if that means coming on for support or staying off the forum for a while, I think you will make the right choice

xxxx

[zooropa]

I'll try to clear up some of the details, I'm sorry I came here and posted in the middle of a breakdown and I wasn't very clear. Thank you for being there, PC.

I saw her today. She wanted to negotiate how long we're going to keep working together. I was having a hard time just staying in the room, literally and figuratively. We spent the whole time talking about that one thing. At the end she told me to come back next week and let her know if I want to keep seeing her or if I want to be done.

She's talking about me seeing her for a few more months. We didn't get far in the negotiation, but I think she said 6 or 8 months. Half of that weekly, and then tapering off.

I called her and begged her to see me tomorrow or Fri. She didn't call back. A few hours later I texted her and said please return my call, please? A couple hours later she texted me back and said she can't call tonight, and she doesn't have any openings. I asked her if she would call me tomorrow, she said yes.

This isn't a surprise, and it is, all at once. Her demeanor today was harsh. I asked her twice to stop and take a breath and that I needed her to be more gentle. After the session I was losing it so bad, I was texting her and saying please tell me how to survive this and all she would say was "dbtselfhelp.com"

I know there is another side to this, I know in some ways this is what I need, but right now I'm just caught up in the huge pain of it. Thank you for offering hugs and support right now, maybe in a day or two I can talk about it in more pragmatic terms. I'm just trying to survive for that day or two right now.

[stopdog]

I am very sorry you are going through this with the t. It sounds so hard.

[ECHOES]

I'm sorry for this current trauma, zoo.

Looking ahead, please consider that you can seek another therapy for more healing and for another therapy experience. I don't say that to dismiss in any way what is happening now, but to offer some hope and comfort.

[alwaysrejoice]

(((Zoo)))

What a bummer..... Like someone else said you can get another T. I know this does hurt though and I wish you all the best.

I'm so sorry zoo. I would feel broken too. I like what Echoes said: there will be other chances for healing.

I hope you can believe something different from what your T believes. Trauma is not inevitably written into your future. And you can be more stable. Don't accept her version of your future. You can do better.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo )))) I am so angry that the type of therapy is limiting your ability to get your needs met, especially after investing so much into growing a relationship with your T. I hate that you are going through this pain. ((( HUGS )))

I am hopeful that you will find another T that you can bond with who doesn't have these kinds of limitations in place. For now, though, I can imagine the sense of loss you must be feeling.

(( HUGS ))

Originally Posted by zooropa

T said I have to be done. She said there's no point in doing trauma work because trauma will just keep happening.

I am really sorry that you are feeling so bad about this. But I don't understand this statement about there being no point to trauma work. You don't have to explain it if you don't want to.

Anne

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I am really sorry that you are feeling so bad about this. But I don't understand this statement about there being no point to trauma work. You don't have to explain it if you don't want to.

Anne

a month ago we had a plan to do more trauma work after spending some time focusing on the skills. Yesterday she said there would be no point to that, because trauma will just keep happening. She said that's the way my life is, that since she's known me there hasn't been a month without something happening, and I have to accept that's what I create in my life.

[FourRedheads]

Many safe hugs to you. This sounds so hard. I would be very upset, too. I also like the idea of another T.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by zooropa

a month ago we had a plan to do more trauma work after spending some time focusing on the skills. Yesterday she said there would be no point to that, because trauma will just keep happening. She said that's the way my life is, that since she's known me there hasn't been a month without something happening, and I have to accept that's what I create in my life.

I would have to go Dr Phil on you here, and say, you cannot change what you don't acknowledge. So if you can acknowledge that you do create trauma in your life, that would be a first step to stopping it. I think this lets us know that this T is indeed suffering from burnout, at least zoo burnout. I have a friend whom I love dearly, but I believe she too creates her own trauma. But she can say the same of me to some extent, so pot calls the kettle black. But still there is something to this. And DBT probably isn't the way out of it, I would say more psychoanalytically oriented therapy, and being willing to do what is asked of you. In my case it was not seeing family of origin - a simple fix. How ARE you creating trauma in your life - is there a simple fix or two, or is it much more complex?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by zooropa

a month ago we had a plan to do more trauma work after spending some time focusing on the skills. Yesterday she said there would be no point to that, because trauma will just keep happening. She said that's the way my life is, that since she's known me there hasn't been a month without something happening, and I have to accept that's what I create in my life.

If this is what she said, and what she meant, it sounds to me as though she is at her wits' end, not that you are doomed to this.

I don't have any advice on what to do next, though, since I don't know myself. It is hard to cope with a supposed professional giving up on one. How can you know the next one won't do the same?

Originally Posted by zooropa

a month ago we had a plan to do more trauma work after spending some time focusing on the skills. Yesterday she said there would be no point to that, because trauma will just keep happening. She said that's the way my life is, that since she's known me there hasn't been a month without something happening, and I have to accept that's what I create in my life.

I'd like to send her a copy of William Ryan's book, Blaming the Victim. It's an old classic that argues as its central thesis that people who are victimized are not responsible for the trauma inflicted upon them. I am unaware of any school of therapy that says that you should blame your clients for what happens to them.

Part of the point of trauma work is that it strengthens a victim in ways that prevent retraumatization, so her statement just doesn't make logical sense either.

It might be helpful to you to get a new T who is actually trained in trauma, or who doesn't say stupid s&&* about it. I think saying this is horrendous and ignorant.

Anne

This.

Originally Posted by Improving

I hope you can believe something different from what your T believes. Trauma is not inevitably written into your future. And you can be more stable. Don't accept her version of your future. You can do better.

And this.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

If this is what she said, and what she meant, it sounds to me as though she is at her wits' end, not that you are doomed to this.

And this.

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

It might be helpful to you to get a new T who is actually trained in trauma, or who doesn't say stupid s&&* about it. I think saying this is horrendous and ignorant.

Anne

I'm sorry, zoo

Originally Posted by hankster

How ARE you creating trauma in your life - is there a simple fix or two, or is it much more complex?

Trauma or drama, two very distinct things to me. S*&% rolls downhill from the family of origin, no doubt at all about that. Trauma is usually from childhood abuse and/or neglect, drama is usually what FOO does to us as adults. Drama can be re-traumatizing, that's for sure. Distressing events can happen such as relationship breakups and problems and work and all kinds of other things, but trauma to me is about the things that give us PTSD symptoms, more the physically scary S$%&^ rather than the emotionally scary ****.

And I don't mean to trivialize the psychological effects of drama, but I thought her therapist was saying that she was causing herself trauma in the sense of (for example, I don't know anything about zoo's life) her boyfriend beating her or being mugged or S&%^ like that.

And my T likes to tell me that I am overly precise about things, so perhaps this is one of those times when I should just sit down and shut the $%&^ up.

and hiya hanky!

Anne

Anne

[unaluna]

Hi Anne back! I was thinking along the same lines, I just didn't have the words for it. I was pondering an example in mine and my friend's life, where we were both excluded from a family thing because we were female - for me it was just a group photo at a family reunion, for her it was one evening of weeklong vacation - hmm, I was trivializing mine, but maybe in terms of percentage of time, it really wasn't that different? My friend was traumatized by her exclusion, it practically ruined the trip. Me - yeah so there was a moment of embarrassment, but I used it to realize that geeze I really WAS all alone growing up, my only other female cousins had moved away. So you're right, we don't know what's going on with zoo, and a lot of my friend's stuff IS from FOO, or otherwise out of her hands, but there is definitely stuff under her control.

[zooropa]

I appreciate all the different perspectives here, thank you. I definitely don't know what my T meant when she said that, and it is something I plan to ask her about if and when I talk to her again. When we have talked about trauma, in general or specific terms, it has been as 3rdtime says, the stuff that gives us PTSD symptoms. So, I took what she said yesterday to mean that I was creating or causing that kind of trauma. I would love to have her explain to me whether that's accurate or not.

The other thing she said is that she changed her mind about how to interact with me based on the fact that I am still "checking out" (her term) as much as I am. I don't understand that, because I was just assaulted in August and it seems to ME that could explain a resurgence of PTSD symptoms like dissociating. Yes/No?

[Sannah]

[zooropa]

I've tried so hard with this T, you guys. It's been 3 years, and it's been hard, mostly because of me. I think I need to be done. I just talked to her and it was pretty bad. I asked if she is burned out on me and she said no, but she said it with so much anger that I think her tone said more than her words.

I can't even...I'm just crying so hard right now. I want to keep trying to work things out with her because I want to believe it will somehow be better, somehow feel better. I want to trust her when she says that it WILL be easier if I relearn the emotion regulation skills, but I don't know if I can even learn something from her any more, you know? There is so much pain there. So much hurt. I think that, for me, continuing to go see her is just going to keep me in a state of emotion dysregulation.

I am grieving. I am trying to keep the rest of the things in my life going along but inside I'm just so broken up. I think dragging this out any longer will just increase my suffering. I hope I'll feel stronger soon and can start actively looking for a new therapist, because I really really need help getting through this.