[SweetSunshine]

Wow I feel like I slipped by a big one now. Found out from my T today that he was close to putting me in the hospital last week. If I had given him an inkling that I had a plan I would have been there. I am so glad that I could hold back. He told me today though that he will always take the risk of pissing me off over trying to keep me safe. I told him I will never tell him the truth then. And I wont. I will not go back to that place. I may have survived once. But not again.It was to clostrophobic for me.

Bethy

[CedarS]

Our area has a hospital diversion place, set in a large house, anything available like that for you?

Do you have anyone you can tell the truth to?

[allthegirls6]

hi tryin,

I can see what you are saying.................... not wanting to go to hospital and all, but what about your safety. If you cant speak to T who can you tell when things are bad. Like Sarah im hoping that there is someone else around for you to share with.

If your T says they would %#@&#! you off if it was a toss up between that and your safety, it sounds to me like they really do care about you and at all costs want you to be safe.

[Lexicon78]

I completely understand what you are saying but I think your T is more concerned with your life than whether or not you are going to have a hard time with it. I'd rather know someone is having a hard time than know that they were dying or were dead. I think that's where your T is coming from.

[oksomaybeimnuts]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}}}- keeping you in my thoughts.

[JustBen]

Try looking at this from the other side for a minute. If you had a close friend or family member who you thought was going to make an attempt, would you just walk away and let them do it because you didn't want to %#@&#! them off?

[SweetSunshine]

Thanks for everyones opinions and concerns.
Sarah~ No I dont believe we have anything like that here. Unfortunately
we only have hospitals. I dont really feel that I can open up
about any of this to anyone irl.

All The Girls~ I cannot trust in others on my behalf . I have got to be
able to do what is right for myself. Yes they may care. But I
need to be able to trust. And that will not happen if they betray
it. I'm sorry.I just feel it has to be this way

Lex~ I feel bad for putting my T in that position I realy do. He cried
Monday when I went to see him and told him that I will not tell
him if I feel suicidal. I cannot risk it. He lost someone be~
cause he couldnt see thru this person. I hate to think of put~
ting him in that position. But its what I have to do to protect
myself as selfish as it may be. I cant handle being locked up
again.

Karen~ Thank you hon~

Ben~I see your point. But others know of how I feel and I feel that
they need to respect my feelings on this. Most of them ( irl)
dont get how it is to be locked up there.

I'm sorry I cant seem to satisfy what you guys want me to say. I just know how I feel about this and how scared I am to go back there. And to me that is more powerful than anything else that can happen. Maybe someday I will be able to change my mind. IDK. I just have to go with how I feel now. Thanks for listening.

Hugz~
Bethy

[h0kie]

Sorry, Beth. I'll never agree with your line of thinking. If you want to stay out of the hospital then you know what you need to do. Right now, Beth, you are defeating yourself.

And, fyi, telling people that you won't open up to them just makes them even more paranoid/worried and even more likely to send you to the hospital "just in case".

I do believe you told me several months ago that going the hospital was the best thing that could have happened to you. Being scared is perfectly fine, but you're going out of your way to be sneaky.

Respecting your feelings is one thing, but when a friend is so deeply troubled that they can't see the light for the trees then sometimes you have to make unhappy and unwanted decisions. Right decisions aren't always easy.

I would rather have you angry at me than not have you at all. And I do believe your T would agree with that statement.

[allthegirls6]

Bethy,

I dont know what to say. Its just that I think that your safety is paramount . You say your T cried when you said you wouldnt tell him if you felt suicidal............... it seems to me that he feels the same. It sounds like he cares deeply and wants to make sure you are safe and alive. Thtas always got to be good. Its like he has your best interests at heart. And sometimes, when we are confused, hurt and so on, having a person in the background keeping your safety at the forefront is what makes the difference. I think you need to talk to your T and try to work this out together. It feels crucial to your relationship.

[ErinBear]

Hi Bethy,

I can see that you're in an awkward position. I'm not sure if you've heard of the Samaritans before. They have resources online and also in the UK and a couple of offices in the US, I believe. Anyway, you can email them (or see them in person if you live near their offices) and talk openly about your situation. They will not send anyone to the hospital, but they do provide caring listening and feedback. If for any reason you did want to be in touch with somebody and be able to discuss your situation without fear of hospitalization, that might be another resource.

Take care,
ErinBear

[desirae]

Hello Beth,

I think that going to the hospital is a horrible experience to. I don't blame you for wanting to keep that secret to yourself, to avoid hospitalization.

But I would not hold all that inside. It's a bad low to feel that way, and it truly helps to relieve that by talking about it.

I'd talk to a close friend, or even come here. Don't allow it to eat you up.......that how "that" happens.

Let us know.
Desirae

[(JD)]

I agree, the hospital is not an enjoyable experience. IMO the T understands completely how bad it is, and has said he would use it only to keep you safe. He made a wise decision, since you were able to keep yourself safe. (and I know how tough that is)

Please continue to take care of yourself the best you can, and trust the T to help you. You are doing a good job!