ET is NOT the same outside of session...

I've been having a hard time for a while now.

If people have sorta followed my other random posts, you'll know I saw another T (ET) for a few months to manage before I could get back to my regular T. ET still has contact with us - but it's been painful. She can seem really distant, cold, uncaring.

T and I recently had an epiphany. T has some interactions with ET and has known her over a decade ago. T has always thought ET was kind of... narcissistic, and a harsh person. Whenever I would talk of ET being warm, soothing, and loving, T kind of thought "yeah right".

Well in this epiphany, we discovered ET's therapist persona IS loving, warm, soothing, etc, etc. But outside of therapy, she isn't, unless I'm in crisis or severely escalated. Then something kicks in, and she is warm again. But typically, she is not. This has caused me to slam again and again and again into harshness. It makes me melt down and feel horrible. It made me feel abandoned, hated, furious. It's been very, very painful.

I'm in love with the therapist persona of ET. That is the part I fell in love with because that's how I met ET. But, "who she is", I am not so much. I feel bringing this up would only make ET angry, more harsh, etc. Then I feel guilty - how can I beg and plead ET accept all of me, the angry, demanding, loving, tearful, passionate, poetic, etc, etc in me, when I cannot do the same for her?

Oh what to do... I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I didn't think a T COULD be so VASTLY different outside of the therapy role. I really, really didn't. I'm baffled. Now what to do with this knowledge.

What does ET stand for? And can you say in what context you were seeing both t's? If you don't mind. I am not quite understanding the whole picture and I tried to look back in older posts but I am still not able to put the pieces together.

A couple of years ago, I saw a T for meditation instruction (in addition to my T). When we started, she was very open, warm, caring, encouraging me to contact her between sessions even when she was on vacation, etc.

She suddenly changed, and became very distant and told me we couldn't e-mail anymore. I have no idea what happened...it was like she was one way, and then *poof* she was another way.

It completely. freaked. me. out. I have a really, really hard time trusting people, and I had let her in a little bit and what it FELT like was she had seen "all" of me, and rejected me. Ugh.

She and my T talked and I decided to end the relationship with her. Not in a dramatic fashion at all...I think I told her I would like to take a break (because I wasn't sure how to proceed) and after processing with T and dealing with my big feelings, I realized that it was healthiest for me to just stick with T and to let the relationship with her go.

It was HARD. I tend to be drawn to people who act in a negative way towards me...probably replaying my childhood wishes to get my mom to love me. But I took the break, talked to T about it as much as I needed to, and just worked through the feelings when I had the urge to contact her.

She still crosses my mind sometimes...occasionally, she'll pop into my head when I sit down to meditate...but for the most part, I am truly completely over it. And kind of like with you and your T...my T was not at all impressed with how she had handled it. She is a colleague of his, and I know he was unhappy with how she handled things...which made me feel sort of protected and cared for, which I guess looking back was a silver-ish lining, although I'm not sure I saw that at the time.

I don't want to try to tell you what to do (at all!) but I wanted to share my story in case there is anything in there that helps.
to you!

ET = Expert T

I saw ET for a couple of months while my current T was transitioning into private practice. Now ET provides current T with consultation regarding my diagnosis.

how do you know she is so different? is she just hot and cold to you?

She is cold to me now that I don't see her as ET.

But my regular T, who sees her for consult and has seen her before, said her experiences all the time with ET have been 'cold' and 'harsh'. That this was ET's "real perosnality" and that the warmth is her therapy persona.

Yikes. I'd hate to think I was talking to someone's 'therapy persona'... How artificial.

stormy, what you posted bothers me! I can understand why you're upset.

I didn't think so either!!! Have you encountered this in any T-training, where the books say that you can be one way in therapy and another way outside? I know that many people have to put on a smiling face in their jobs if they're working with the public, but it sounds like your T has a totally different personality!! That's scary. I would hope that a T would be genuine and if "cold" and "harsh" is her real self, then she is in the wrong profession! I'd hate to think that my T is someone else outside of therapy.

I don't think you should have to accept those "mean" parts ET exhibits. It's expected for a T to accept the client's parts but the T isn't supposed to be that way back! She sounds a little like my former T, but at least she told me upfront that she is blunt. I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't have to see her anymore, do you?

Yikes!

I can understand a T being different....because in the T room, they are performing a service that's all about us and our needs...and outside of therapy, they are looking to get their own needs met as well, which could seem quite different.

But, to have such a hot/cold switch....seems disingenuous....but of course, you won't know that for sure without addressing it with your T directly.

Well, I have experience with a T being completely different at 'work' vs. in private life. I know a T personally and her clients would be totally shocked at her behavior outside of the therapy room. Shocked!! That's why when people think they're in love with their T's, I always think - yeah, that's easy because they really don't know the whole person.

I think it's fine to be attached to our T's. I am. But I have little illusions that her therapy persona is her complete persona. That's fine with me. I will never be friends with my T and what I need from her is what she brings into the therapy room. Who she is outside of therapy doesn't concern me too much.

Even so, I could never imagine my T being harsh or mean or insensitive IRL. Her brand of therapy would pretty much preclude that.

Stormy - I'm so sorry you have to experience this, Ouch!!

That is really spooky. It sounds to me like ET is faking it, which is very odd behaviour from a T.

Of course, I don't really know my own T outside therapy. There's really no way for me to find out. Probably just as well!

Have you ever known a person who's life was their work & work was their life? If They aren't working they aren't happy? They're only fully alive ("themselves") when working. Could it be that your ET is one of those kind of people?

Oh wow, that's really hard and has certainly made me think. How hard it would be to maintain two different personas and why would she do that?! And how difficult that would be for you. I'm pleased you've still got regular T. Will there be contact with ET for much longer?


Nelliecat

It's definitely possible to maintain 2 -- or more -- "personas" and I don't know why that's so shocking to anyone here, considering the numerous T's on these boards who have DID and freely admit to being entirely different as T's than they are as clients/patients and in real life. I've often read statements such as, "My clients would be shocked if they saw how different I am in real life and in my own therapy! They would never believe I am the same person!"

[i don't understand why this is so upsetting (well ok i do a little bit but) really none of us know our t's that well...what they are like outside of that little box of therapy....what they are like at home, with their friends, family, at parties etc..

where i used to work we were expected to be "on" all the time..friendly, helpful, professional...we had an image to present to the public..stray from that image & probably 85% of that time a congressman got a complaint. didn't matter if you were right or wrong the public complained. so if you were tired, cranky, hungover what ever...that wasn't the face the public got to see

people are amazed when i switch into my "work" mode in places..even tho it's been 15 years since i retired on a disability pension. they don't normally see the law enforcement side of me...so when it pops out it floors them. but it is as much of who i am as my goofy, fun loving side.

my t has a life...she has 4 kids, hobbies, activities etc. none of which include me. i don't know if she cleans the house nekkid, watches soaps, drag races, closes the bars or any of that...nor do i want to. it is her life. she also doesn't know all of that about me either...

so the fact that this t presents herself as one way in the office & the other outside doesn't shock me...work is work, home is home. we all have roles to play.

I agree with the last two posters. That someone has a personal persona and a work persona doesn't really surprise me. Let's face it, many on this board have admitted to putting on a "face" for some people that we don't to others.

Our T's are probably not the exact same personality in our sessions as they are in "real" life. They can turn it on and off just like most of us can turn various aspects of our personalities on and off depending on whether we're at home, at work, with friends, with family, etc.

I do kind of question the advisability of your T talking about this ET in this way with you. Sounds like she heaped a load of baggage onto you.

She probably shouldn't be in the profession. Therapists who are naturally therapeutic and caring probably make the best therapists. Just IMO.

Also, i've never tried to email my therapist ouside of our sessions, so, thank god this has never come up.

I have a lawyer persona and a teaching persona and they are both somewhat different from my friends and family persona. I think the OP was expressing surprise at how different the two personas of her t were, not that there was a difference at all. Just because one wants to be a therapist or is interested in the pseudo science of therapy does not mean they are naturally gifted at dealing with others, particularly others who can present as needy, wounded, lost, etc. So one would have to learn how to do one's job and that might mean developing a caring persona if that was not one's natural way of approaching the world. For me, as long as the t is relatively less crazy than I am for the 50 minutes I am there, I do not worry what she is like or not like the rest of the time. I sort of assume they are bat crazy in their regular lives. However, bumping up to a persona that is not the usual one encounters, particularly if cold and harsh, would seem to me to be difficult to negotiate. Students have difficulty with me when they recognize me outside of the school. I usually do not recognize them, even if I do recognize them, I don't remember their names, and I am much less interesting in real life than they imagine me to be. And more sarcastic.

I guess you are right.

It is precisely this private/public split that I myself have the greatest difficulty with. As an Aspergic, I have only one persona and can't understand why anyone would want any more - unless they were trying to deceive.

You neurotypicals set the rules and I have to live in your world. (Grrrrr!) But if you lived in my world, the rule would be one persona each.

I'm not surprised that there is a difference, but I AM surprised by how HUGE the difference is. I feel duped, "tricked", IDK.

Stormy you are certainly in a better position than I am to know this, but isn't part of a T's role to model a balanced, integrated personality? If so, how can "ET" possibly do that?

She sounds like more of an actress. And - not meaning any criticism, just an observation - actresses, by and large, are not known to be stable types.