Maybe she's never coming home...

I dont know what to believe about my T anymore
I don't know if I can even trust her.
She said she wouldn't be gone that long (four months ago)-she said we are smart and creative and we'd find ways to talk every week and skype and stuff (none of that has happened). Three weeks when we talked to her, she said she wanted to come home.

Yesterday I finally heard from her-- and emailed her a thank you because we were so worried and were glad she is ok. I asked her twice when she was coming home.
This is part of the email I got and I am confused
She never said ANYTHING about when she is coming home.

I understand everyone is hurting...

Please don't make the living of your life based on me, or on when you see me, or when I'll be in [home], etc. I so very much understand that I am an important person to you... but your life is worthy and important and valuable and sacred all on its own... no matter what happens in mine. I want you to flourish more... even when it's hard...

Maybe I am just reading too much into it. But to me that sounds like "Don't plan on me coming home"

So I've been so upset today...because to me it sounds like she's saying goodbye

Perhaps she just doesn't know which way is up at the moment, sounds like an upsetting situation she is in. I know you miss her and that you worry, but try not to imagine your worst case scenario. I feel bad for you that this has gone on so long, it must be tough. Try to stay strong

She's being all philosophical, so i can see how you can read it that way. I think, tho, she's generalizing & saying not to tie your life to anyone else's.

She knows you & considering the circumstances i'd think she'd know you'd freak, but with her troubles up there maybe her attention is split.

it's also possible she doesn't know at this point what her future holds.

I'm very sorry, but I read it that way too.

It would have been better, though, for her to say explicitly that she won't be back any time soon.

i just keep giving up hope more and more every day

What I read in her reply is to not put your life on hold while she is away.
No, for whatever reason(s), she isn't saying when she is coming home.
I sure can understand your pain, though. It must be very hard!

SarahMichelle, I promise you that if she intended to say goodbye, that she'd say just that. I'm certain that she feels badly to be away from you for so long, knowing how much you depend on her, and whatever has taken her away is very trying on her as well. Family dynamics are so complicated for everyone and she sounds like an innate caregiver, so perhaps she's having trouble striking a balance between her needs (which include returning to her "normal" life, of which you are a part) and her family's needs. (Add to this a different culture, I'm not sure which, but many other cultures are more family-oriented than ours in the US.) Perhaps she has a good balance of being there for the people that need her, like you, during her "normal" life, but everything has been thrown up in the air for her. I know that she feels guilty because she recognizes that her being gone is influencing you so much. I think what's she's trying to say is she hopes that while she's gone you can still find a way to enjoy life and be happy. This would honor her so much, even though it's really, really hard. She trusts you to try this, knows that it's hard and you'll have lots of trials and tribulations. Hang in there--when she left did you ever think you'd make it for 4 months? Congratulate everyone in side of you for that!

I agree with eastcoaster. Your T is doing the best she can under the circumstances. I'm sure she feels bad if she believes that you're putting your life on hold. From all that you've written in the past, it sounds like you have a wonderful T who has been very honest with you. Don't read too much into the fact that in this one particular email she didn't say just when she was coming home! This must be so incredibly difficult for you. I think you've done wonderfully so far. Hang in there. We're all with you on this. Many hugs

My t called lasy night. She has no idea when she might be able to come home.
I wish i didnt have to think about this anymore.

I feel so alone.

{{{{{SarahMichelle}}}}}

SarahMichelle, I am so sorry.

I can understand why this is especially difficult. It has abandonment plus uncertainty.

Here's how I'd feel.

If I knew T was coming home, I'd wait for her. Painful, but it would be worth it when I saw her again.

If I knew T wasn't coming home, I'd grieve and then (months later!) think about some other source of therapy. But I don't want to do that if there is any chance of T coming home, because it would be disloyal.

However, T has already said, "Don't wait for me!" She has already forgiven me in advance for making plans without her. That releases me from any promise I may have made to myself or to her. So my next step would be to grieve and then if she still wasn't home, to think about my therapy needs and how to meet them without her.

(((((((SarahMichelle)))))))

Im really sorry that sounds so hard! I have to say if I was in need of therapy and my therapist left for a long period of time, id expect him to find me a replacement. Did she offer this? At least while your t is gone you would be developing a relationship with someone else so that in worst case you have someone if your t doesn't come back. This would really bother me. I read it like this could go on indefinitely, if she hasn't given you a name of someone I would ask for someone until she returns.

You need to by strong ... one day at a time. She is trying to do the same thing. This must be very hard on her too. I suspect she needs some time to herslf right now and, as hard as it is, we all need to respect her needs as well. Give her the benefit of the doubt, she will be home when she is ready. If that never happens, then we must move into the area of accepting her wishes. She alone is responsible for the decisions she must make in her life. We cannot assume that responsibility for her. The best to you as you struggle through this.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your T. I think your t is neglecting her responsibilities to you as a client. If she is unable to be your therapist right now, she owes it to you to refer you to someone else. I don't think it's right that you are in limbo like this and without proper care from her. This whole situation doesnt sound right to me at all. I'm surprised no one is saying this, or maybe i am missing something? Your t's personal problems should not affect your treatment. Can you find another T in the meantime who could help you through this period of uncertainty? There are other Ts out there who will see you for a sliding fee. hang in there..

Yes T Said we coould go see someone else in the meantime. It is tricky to find a good T who knows abt DID and trauma. Theres a man on my insurance. But we are soooo afraid of men. So i dont know.
Hard to open up to a new person.

Try and be patient. LOL

I feel really bad about this but the other T ...we emailed him today and got a message back--he can see us in evenings after work or weekends... I told him outright that I have DID and don't see it as a disorder, have no desire for us to integrate, just need a T while my T is out of town. He said to call at my convenience... i dont know though. I feel really cruddy even considering seeing another T while mine is gone. We just want HER back!! I know the inside kids will have a FIT if they end up in his office. Plus we are so afraid of men. I dont know what to do. I suppose I will call and just talk to him about what's going on... i feel lousy though My T did suggest the other night, do you want to see someone else while I'm gone? I dont even want to tell her if I do. It feels like cheating on her. My T and I are so close. I dont want to get into any of the trauma stuff with another person. We just need someone to help us cope while T is gone.

Oh, wow, this sounds SO hard.....I am so sorry...((( HUGS )))

I like the idea of you seeing another T just to help you cope while T is gone....You don't have to delve into the trauma stuff or anything that you aren't ready for. Just a professional to talk to, in order to help you through the time that T is gone...

Is it possible for you to find a female T? If not, a male T could be useful, if you want to work on your fear of men. I'd imagine that to be a difficult thing if it's very temporary....

It's one thing to choose to take up the challenge of a male T.

It's quite another to have that challenge thrust upon you, particularly if you are feeling abandoned and vulnerable.

I don't know of any other T's...especially on my insurance... this guy was recommended by a girl i know who sees him and says he's nice.I think that I'd definitely keep my distance from him if i saw him... i dont know,.... i just see men as abusers and not someone to TALK to. my husband thinks i should just try it. it COULD be a good way to work on my fear of men... or totally scare the living daylights out of me.

((((((((((SarahMichelle)))))))))),

I am so sorry that your T said she doesn't know when she will come back. I think it's a good idea to see another T, and you won't know how you relate to this male T until you try.

I am trying to work up the courage to call male T right now.

Just want MY T. This has been a tough morning.

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