[granite1]

TRIGGER for CSA





has anyone ever had dreams involving there T in a really bad way??
omg i had the most horrible dream last night .i don't usually remember my dreams and i wish i could forget this one.i am hoping that just expressing it here may help get it out of my head

i don't remember a lot of it,but what i do remember was awful. i was in the house that i grew up in the same house that all the CSA happened in.i was in the den on the couch with the person involved with the CSA. he was doing things to me . but in the dream i was sitting on the couch with someone else holding me in a restraint with my arms crossed in front of me so i couldn't move or fight,as the other person SA me.this was one of the ways i was restrained when i was in residential treatment.anyway everything just seemed so real in this dream.i was in the same house in one of the rooms it usually happened with the person who did these things to me and everything.the only thing that was different was that someone was holding me so i couldn't move or get away.when i turned me head i saw that it was my T.she was helping this guy be able to do what he was doing to me.i woke up as soon as i saw that i think even in my dream it was to much of a shock to bear.OMG it feels so bad and horrible.why would she do that ?why would i think that she would.i cant calm down yet and i am really really trying.i am so sick to my stomach.i have not had such a vivid dream like that that i can remember in a long time.it does happen but never with my T involved with this stuff happening to me.god i feel so yuck and contaminated even by her.why did my brain involve her??.i want it all to go away.

granite, *breathe*. It's just a dream, it's not reality. Your T didn't ask or try to be in your dream. One of the scientific theories about dreams is that they are random neural firings in our head and sometimes these random neurons bump up against old or new memories and create these crazy mixtures of things. In other words, this view of dreams is that they have no psychological meaning.

People say that only the dreamer can really interpret the dream, but what you said reminded me of one of your posts where your T said (I think) that sometimes you tried to lump her in with the people in your past who have hurt you. Maybe your dream is about recognizing that you do that, and the lesson is that that feels really wrong. She is not one of those people, she is not trying to hurt you, she is trying to help.

I'm sorry. Nightmares stink.

Anne

[roads]

((((( ** gentle hugs granite sitting near ** )))))

I think it's just what nightmares are made of ... Residual bad things from your abuser trying to pull in the good of your T, for the sake of hurting you. The stuff of nightmares. Make a face at it and shout, "BOO! GO AWAY!"

Roadrunner

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

has anyone ever had dreams involving there T in a really bad way??.

I did once and it shook me very deeply... I remembered it a few days ago and my anxiety hit the roof all over again.

And it never really happened, it wasn't even real. Granite, it wasn't real, and neither was yours. That is very important to keep telling yourself; you're not responsible for your dreams, and neither is T.

I think my dream was about therapy, not T per se, and how invasive it is for as totally private a person as I am...
it wasn't easy but I told T about the dream, and what I made of it, and she got very serious, but I feared she would take it personally and she definitely did NOT. She honestly thanked me for telling her, and said it was important to know.

Telling her did not harm our working relationship - and it won't harm yours with your T, if you tell her about it.

[Perna]

I don't know how much you have been discussing your CSA with your T but that could be a little of what the dream might be trying to tell you? You need to look at it, confront it, discuss it with your T. Maybe you have been feeling your T has been pressing you to do that and you do not like it. I would discuss the dream with your T, it sounds like it could be a great tool for the two of you to use to work together.

[mcl6136]

Thanks, Granite, for sharing along with the trigger.

I have vivid dreams, always had, and sometimes it takes a while to shake it off.

But i agree with 3rd times.....some theories of dreams that are coming to light: dreams are a way that the brain (ourselves, really) use to run something like a boot up routine. I know that sounds less-than-organic or inspiring, but please try not to dwell too much and subscribe too much "reality" to this dream.

Your waking experience is that your therapist cares for you and is helping you heal. So...with that knowledge, bringing this into the "light" from the darkness of your sleeping state could be a powerful part of the healing and help confirm that this therapeutic relationship is in your best interests,and stands for your wellbeing, not your trauma.

something to consider.

Thanks again for bringing this to the forefront...took courage.

[Sannah]

My take on it: You are trying to trust your T and I like Anne's interpretation of how you have been lumping her in with your abusers. I see it as you trying to work through trusting her. Your reflex is to not trust her.

Or maybe also, getting better requires working through this stuff, thus, bringing it up and out and feeling the feelings. You might see this as abusive, so therefore, see your T as being abusive.

[karebear1]

I don't know what to say granite. I know you're full of fear right now. I just want to offer safe, safe hugs.

[likewater]

(((Granite))) i have horrific dreams where people who arent my abusers are abusing me. Too say it's awful is an understatement. Makes me want to curl up and die, but i have to remember it's just a trick of the mind. It's not real. Gentle hugs.

[faith1983]

oh... hope you're ok... Always hard to have those kind of dream!

What do you think it could mean? I think what we suggest is really good but what's important is the way you interpret it?

Does your t make dream interpretation? if so, it could really be a good way to connect to her!

Take care

[Chopin99]

I have had two vivid dreams with T in them. The first involved me as a minor; she was doing fun things with me. Then, I was the age I am now and we slept together. I was horrified by this.

The second one was strange. My H and I decided to renew our vows. T came to the ceremony. In the receiving line, she told me how proud of me she was and that I was doing the right thing.

However, both of these are dreams. They are not based in reality. I have not told her about them and don't plan to. They can be disturbing, but when I find myself bothered by them, I tell myself they are not real.

[pbutton]

Granite, if it helps I have had scary SA dreams about practically everyone that has ever existed on planet earth. I know how it drags you down even after you wake up.

I think it might actually be a good thing seeing T there was so jarring and so wrong that it woke you up. Maybe somewhere in your mind you know T is on your side and that the dream couldn't be real.

[lostmyway21]

((((granite))))

One time I had a dream that I was being abused and I got away , and tried to call my T but he didn't answer no matter how many times I called. I was filled with anxiety for, a day or two. Just remember that it WAS not real. I kept telling myself, that. I would bring this up to your T next time.

[granite1]

i went to work and i guess i finely kind of shook it off but wow . lately i have kind of wished i could remember my dreams and i could dream about my T kind of like a free session .but this was so so bad i will never share this with her .i dont see anything good that could come of that to have her know that i can even think these horrible things about her at all.

[roads]

((((( ** gentle hugs granite ** )))))

I hope you aren't somewhere feeling worse about this granite. We are here and will listen to any feelings you are having.

Roadrunner

[Joanna_says]

So sorry to hear about this horrible dream you had and the way it made you feel!
I would be just as horrified!

I never had dreams about my T. But I do know nightmares. And I did have a dream before that I was horrified of also because it involved a real life person in a way that I never ever would think of or want in reality.
Sometimes I think dreams are just dreams and we just need to leave it at this.

We are here for you to listen to you and to care!

[velcro003]

granite that really sounds very scary and awful, i'm sorry

but i just want to point out one thing...you are NOT "thinking" these awful things about your T. you have no control of your subconscious while asleep. i can pretty much guarantee that if your told your T this dream that she would empathize with you about how frightening it must have felt to have T betray you in your dream. I think that it probably is clearly showing how scared you are to trust your T...but you are making steps towards it, and i think you are doing wonderful

[rainbow_rose]

granite, i'm so sorry you had that dream. glad you were able to shake it off.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

why did my brain involve her??.i want it all to go away.

I have an interpretation of this dream, but remember: I'm not you, I don't know much about you, I know nothing about CSA, and I have no qualifications.

IGNORANT FANTASY:

Obviously "working through" these horrible events in your past is very painful, and a big part of you doesn't want to do it.

This part, a young part, a hurt part, is saying to T: "Why are forcing me to relive this? Why weren't you there to prevent it?"