Between Sessions

I think it's up to you whether it's a good idea to keep posting. It depends on whether it is making you feel too upset. If you feel like you need more help than what you're getting here, maybe it's better to wait to talk to your t. Sometimes it's good to have a person in real life who can give you more help. But if it's helpful to get responses here, then keep doing it whenever you want. If your t gave you any advice about when to post and when not to post, maybe that is good to go by. Of course t's have more training to help you than us anonymous people on the internet

I defintely dont' think anyone is irritated with you! At least I know I'm not!

well, I just woke up, so quit yelling!

you KNOW I get you. I once told T that he didn't have to worry about me killing myself that weekend because my bathtub was too crusty to do it in. he didn't see the poetry in that for some reason, I thought it was beautiful. and no I don't think you're making this up. your kitchen descriptions are too accurate!

so just wondering, do you too have kitchen childhood traumas? I was never welcome in my mother's kitchen, was badly injured, and ever after was made to feel the fool. but we suffered, if that's the right word for wasted extravagance, thru 3 ruined rubbery rib roasts before my idiot family would listen to me and let me crank up the heat on the oven and COOK rather than STEAM the holiday dinner. Yet i'm always the wrong stupid pathetic one. I'm Rudolph, I save xmas, and they STILL won't let me play in their reindeer games! WTF??? No wonder I was inconsolable when I first learned that song from my dad. Wow. Anyway.

So THAT'S why MY kitchen isn't MINE. It's supposed to be the heart of a home. A heart is something you take with you. In olden times, wouldn't a new family have taken a coal to start their own cave? It's so hard to start a kitchen from the cold every morning. That's why they make those alarm clock Mr Coffees. Well, I don't know if I helped you figure out what's wrong with YOUR kitchen, but you helped me with mine. I have some pictures of a very good friend i've been planning to hang in it, maybe I should do that sooner rather than later. p.s. you do have a kitchen stool and a telly by the sink, right? And don't expect to do it all in one day. I NEVER do!

I only post here because I don't have anyone else to ask. My T can't help me (she tries though), my doc doesn't care, neither does my psychiatrist. So I thought I would try anonymous people on the internet.

The closest word you can get to describe all my feelings are "acid". Like acid is leeching through my pores. I have told both my Ts (past and current) this but it was not a good enough answer. But thats as close as I can get.

No I dont really have any kitchen traumas. The kitchen was just one example I could think of off the top of my head at the time. Apply that to all areas of my life and you'd have a better idea, hehe.

I think you're right, there aren't any words for sensations. And I think
Stopdog is right, sometimes it helps to try to put the sensations into words as best as people can.

Sorry your t's got irritated with you. I know it totally sucks when that happens.

Sometimes people might get irritated because they don't understand that you aren't used to thinking about feelings as much as they do. I think about feelings a lot. I didn't understand my ex-bf was so confused about feelings and so I didn't believe him sometimes . After a while I realized he really was confused.

This has happened to me a lot - where I am the one completely baffled about feelings and others do not realize how much I really do not understand when they talk about feelings or expect me to do so. Although one would expect a t to be completely unlike me on that.

Well I know a lot of stuff about feelings "in theory" but it all seems different to what i actually experience. Totally different. There are no similarities between the two. That is why I get frustrated. Thats why I turned to the internet because surely there is someone out there with similar feelings to mine! I have been searching for years but havent found anyone yet..lol.

i think my t was pretty upset with me for getting upset at my ex-bf sometimes . ugh.

I can really relate to the kitchen issue, KazzaX--I just forced myself to clean four days of dishes and pots and pans. Only did it because I needed to do the piles (at least a few loads) of laundry so I'd have some clothes for work this week. But my bigger issue is the piles of folded clothes that sit on the washing machine and dryer, increasing the clutter of my appartment. I can't seem to get the energy up to bring them upstairs and put them away . . .of course, it's easier to have them right next to the bathroom so after showering I have them right there for when I need to get ready for work. . . easier than having to go upstairs and search through my closet to find what I want to wear I'm a clutter bug and a procrastinator.

That said, I think the fact that you describe what you're feeling or the sensations you're experiencing ("acid leeching through my pores") is incredibly descriptive. If that's how you describe your experience than you might continue to do it and say it until your therapist and pdoc get it! It might take him/her a while to get it on the level you're trying to explain it on. Personally, I found it very clear and it sounds extremely painful!

I know, for myself, writing out my feelings and sensations in written form, letting it flow in whatever manner it needs to come out is the most helpful. Sometimes it makes sense and other times I don't see connections until weeks later. I do bring the written stuff to therapy sometimes because I often find myself sitting across from my therapist with a totally blank mind. Awful sensation and when that happens I often find myself stuck in just feeling s*%#@y and berating myself for wasting time and money.

I'm glad you're posting here . I think Stopdog and pbutton are like you . And my t might point out that I am not so different either even though I think about feelings so much (probably too much).

I read a study I may have mentioned it before where the guy figured out that the traumatized who say they feel nothing are being accurate - they have indeed succeeded in desensitizing as a defense. Yay for us. So half my T's job was to make it safe/possible for me to have tender feelings with him? Because it just wasn't happening, and I didn't know what MEANINGS to attribute to them when they did happen. "We both like Eli Manning, what does that MEEEEEAN????" Sometimes my mother is right, for someone who is so smart, I can be really dumb. But at least I can say THIS stuff is HER fault! She couldn't have enjoyed one TV show with me?! Always complaining!

Thanks guys. I think I have finally run out of steam for tonight. And thank god, because its nearly 3am so maybe i can finally sleep now! You guys gave me a lot to think about, and some goodies to bring up at my T next session. Thanks guys. Sorry for going all psycho on you! I am going to hit the sack!

I understand all of the vocabulary words for feelings. I have a hard time matching them up with what I am experiencing. I think the emotions are there, I've just built up this crazy giant wall that blocks them and keeps me safe.

Of course I wrote that last stentence and immediately want to take it back because it sounds so yucky and untrue. So who knows.

I just saw this. I don't think in words either. I think in concepts.I have to stop and translate into words and it's annoying and tiring. I tend to give up on trying to translate when I am feeling tired or trying to describe something about myself. I particularly don't like translating when it has something to do with me. It makes therapy really interesting. I am trying to work on this but I wouldn't say I've made phenomenal progress at this point.

No disrespect, KazzaX (and I haven't read all the posts, just got to this one), I think that your perception differs from the reality of the situation. I did not read of the responses to this point as insinuating anything or saying that you are making anyone's life more difficult.

Putting everything on the table as you requested, I think you are still with the wrong type of therapist for your immediate issue. I think you need some quick, practical help at this point and you need to see someone who specializes in CBT.

I was at a point where I had tried literally EVERY antidepressant available and had seen a psychiatrist who wanted to move to ECT. I quit therapy and drugs at that point and just tried to accept that THIS was how I felt and this was just how my life was always going to be.

After about two years of that, my mother in law kept insisting that I didn't have to feel that way forever, and kept insisting I go to her T. Insisted to the point where she said she would pay for it. I went to her T (now my T) who specializes in CBT. It sucked at first and he gave me HOMEWORK of all the god-awful things. Within a few months however, the depression was dramatically better.

Please think about looking for a CBT person, or ask your T about CB techniques.

If your T gives you homework, do it.
If not, ask for some.

Yes I think I will ask her for some homework when I see her on Friday. Good idea. Maybe this T will say yes to homework.

I tried CBT before for a few years with no luck. I can see how it would work for a lot of people though.

thanks guys

He sounds Aspergic. Therapy is tough for Aspergics because it goes against everything we believe in: objective reality, rational decisions, accept nothing we don't understand. On the other hand, we can be open with ourselves and others, and that works in our favour.

Yeah I was diagnosed with aspergers for that reason, but then they changed their mind and un-diagnosed me (I just made that word up but you get the general idea).

I rang up my T today and asked if I should go to the hospital but she reckons the hospital is full and it is highly likely they'd just send me home (she works at the hospital). That is a bummer because I was going to admit myself this afternoon after I spoke to her. She suggested all the textbook things about coping, which I have tried and they still don't work. ARGHHHHH ahh the joys of living in a country with a sub-par medical system.

Did you ever ask T about that?

KazzaX...I relate to some of what you are experiencing.

I shoved emotions down for two years. I literally felt nothing; no happiness, no tears, no anger, nothing. Huge concrete walls around my heart. That is what initially put me back in therapy 10 months ago. I didn't want to live like that the rest of my life.

Then the feelings came. Took six months, but depression set in first. It was perceptible; T noticed it before I even said anything. Then anxiety set in. Then flashes of anger. Then tears. Absolutely raw and uncontrollable. I was still miserable.

I think your acid analogy is VERY descriptive. I don't understand why your mental health professionals cannot understand it. I can imagine feeling just that way.

People "think" in so many different ways. I can think in words, but mostly in pictures, concepts, and snippets of video. My H thinks in text only; for instance, when I am out of sight, he cannot picture my face. He can describe me...blue eyes, dark brown hair, pale skin, average height and build...but cannot actually remember my face. He dreams in text; he says it's Helvetica...but he probably jests.

I hope you are able to get some help soon. I relate to your depression also. It sounds like you need a med adjustment to me. I had to have one when my emotions surfaced or I may not have survived it!

Helvetica, LOL.. I like that!

Yes I am going to some how drag myself to the psychiatrist tomorrow. maybe there has been a new med come out in the last year that I could try. I got no idea but I will ask anyways. I just hope he doesnt tell me there's no point seeing me since I have tried every med available, like the last guy. IF there is a new one out I want to try it anyways. We shall see.

I hope you're doing okay KazzaX. Glad you're still posting. I hope you'll write about why your thinking of the hospital if you want to. Maybe you have- I haven't checked out other threads yet today.

Yeah, I thought of Aspergers and my ex-bf. I suppose Aspergers is like most (all?) disabilities, there's not a black and white line between having it or not, and the characteristics vary a lot. Ex-bf did have the engineering disease. I often hear there are a lot of similarities. If anyone knows the difference between those two, I'm always interested in that topic.

No...
but thanks for responding to that post.

interesting article; mention of ect.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/article?a=894955&f=28&sub=Contributor