Something odd

I am worried I have completely gone around the bend and may be getting odder due to therapy. That t I see managed to injure herself in an off-therapy incident and so cancelled appointment this week. I am oddly disgruntled over the situation. I don't feel she did it at me. I am not worried she will die or retire from this (or no more than usual given her age and propensity for self-destruction in daily activities), I don't enjoy going to see her, I don't find her warm or nurturing, I usually leave frustrated and or enraged. So what is the deal with me? I don't mean I would usually rejoice in someone else's injury, but the disgruntled response is unusual. I did not turn down any outside work because it conflicted with the appointment - so it is not that her late notice cost me anything and in fact made my day less hectic. Next week is still up in the air while she decides (and this is not unreasonable given the extent of the injuries) whether it would be prudent to be off another week. I am unsettled even though I know if something comes up on my end, I would simply tell her I cannot make the appointment. I certainly hope this is not the sort of change brought on by therapy. I do not like it.

I'd offer a hug, but I know you don't like them. Maybe you are just starting to like her as a person and are concerned about her?

it's not her, it's us! it's YOU! you've been having fun here, and you wanted to go bounce that tennis ball against her wall, and now that wall is closed for repairs. of course you're bummed, it would have been fun. well, sounds like to me. but i'm an idiot.

When we get use to routines in our lives, the breaking of them can disgruntle us; we can't continue on autopilot and the possibility of something else might creep in.

My T once called to me from her office to come in instead of getting up and coming to get me in the waiting room (there was a direct line of sight from her office) and I made some snide comment about her "laziness" and it turned out she had sprained her ankle during the week in an off-therapy situation and was keeping off it. It was pure transference on my part, I was channeling my stepmother and, also my usual behavior, not doing any reality checking before making assumptions.

It was very close to a situation 20-30 years previously when I'd snidely asked my stepmother if she was "enjoying her bourbon and water" as I cleaned up after a family party, around her, felt her bossing me around from her lounge chair. That she had done all the work preparing for the party, cooking and setting up, etc. and was now taking her rest while the next "team" did their part, had not occurred to my adolescent pea brain.

I do not find your thoughts or feelings odd. What has happened in the past when you have had disruptions in your decided-upon schedule, without your consent/control?

Good lord, I hope not. I know I do not dislike the woman, but that is as far as I am willing to go. Why would I need to be concerned? I have a list of back up therapists if something happens to this one. (again - I mean in a specific way - I usually do not hope others become injured in general and if they do - then I think that they should heal appropriately)

Um, I know you're not going to like this. Feel free to ignore the fact that I've said anything at all. Last week I had a discussion w/T where he pointed out a specific behavior of mine that indicated, despite my reluctance and horror, that I am indeed at least slightly attached to him. The crappy part is that he was right. You can't pay me to tell him that out loud though. Heck, I won't even tell you guys what the behavior was. I think I'm at least minorly attached, even though I don't pay any attention to it, don't want it, and find the whole thing MAJORLY annoying, not to mention wrong and gross, and I could go on for days ....

That said, stopdog, I don't believe either you or I will be posting an "OMG I NEED TO MOVE IN WITH T AND BE TOGETHER FOREVER" thread anytime soon. (And I'm honestly not trying to make fun of anyone here, other than myself... and stopdog if she's cool with it. )

Do you normally handle schedule changes well? Maybe you're just startled and trying to adjust to the change.

Usually I just go on without it really being a big deal. Most schedule arrangements and being flexible around them do not throw me off. Certainly not to the extent of feeling disgruntled. And certainly not a big deal when it seems it will be rescheduled at some point and when it does not cause a change in a chain of other things/people. This only disrupts me and in only a minor way.

I am cool with it. Attached? Aagghh - is this what attached looks like? It is not good. I do not like it. Did yours tell you how to stop it? Usually I rejoice when business meetings of any sort are cancelled. She has cancelled like this a couple of other times (weather or illness) and although I could be minorly annoyed (like if I turned down a case (I still do some outside non-teaching court appointed things) for conflicting with the appointment) - I was not actually this unsettled by it.

if it bothers you to think that you might care about T just a little , maybe you could decide that yr feelings are self protection only, in the sense that you don't want to have to start over with some other T. That's an indication anyway that you are committed to the work, which is important. but ya know, would it be so bad if you minded someone you know getting hurt? not so bad huh?

just curious, what is this ? >> given her age and propensity for self-destruction in daily activities
that sounds like yr T is a little klutzy ?

I would never have been happy if someone I knew got hurt. But it would not put me out of sorts. I cannot figure out what part of this has me out of sorts. I assume she will heal, I assume her family will take care of her, I have absolutely no desire to take care of her, a missed appointment is not that big of a deal, I cancel more than she does as a general rule, not going to the appointment actually made my life easier - and yet I have unease and general offedness over the situation. I am sort of concerned my reaction means I am getting worse and not better.

And yes - it would be terrible.

She is very near (if not at) the break between middle age and old and really could die at any minute without it being a huge shock. And she has seemed to have a fair number of minor injuries and illness this year. She may very well need to employ a keeper for herself. I may suggest it.

This is scary for you?

I think it is a positive sign.

stopdog...are you sure you are not my H in disguise? You remind me so much of him; I can't help but to like you!

Sadly, no. I think his point may have been that the attachment was going to help me somehow and it was fine with him and it was somehow a good thing? I was busy being angry and staring at his sock, so it's slightly hard for me to recall. He then launched into something about intimacy and started to talk about how we needed to have intimacy but not physical intimacy and I decided to stop listening because that was just too gross.

This is just too, too funnah, stopdog! Where exactly do you place this "break between middle age and old"? That place where such as I (I am sure) "really could die at any minute without it being a huge shock"? It's not just what you say but how you word it that's cracking me up so--& assuring me it's all comedic fodder.

And then this--this, which really deserves its own paragraph: "She may very well need to employ a keeper for herself. I may suggest it."

Seriously, stopdog, I can so hear my H saying this...

I'm a klutz, so I might need a keeper too. I wonder where one could find a good keeper? Would he/she clean house and do laundry? Cook me dinner?

Now I want a keeper...

Too funny pbutton. My t used the word "intimacy" at one point, I had to struggle not to put my fingers in my ears and go, lalalalalalala, like a little kid, because I was so horrified. And I even adore him! Why on god's green earth would they use that word??? It's a horrible, horrible word.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I was shuddering at the first 'intimacy' but the minute he got into the 'physical intimacy' I could barely stand it. Horrid.

By any chance, did you watch 2 Broke Girls this week? Horrible, horrible was the guest star's catch phrase, the woman who was Jane Lynch's partner in Best in Show, LOVE her!

I don't watch 2 Broke Girls. Should I? I mainly do CSI; CSI NY; Dexter; Mentalist and Survivor. Oh, and Jon Stewart because he's totally hot and looks exactly like my T.

Hijack ending now, stopdog. Sorry.

Stopdog, your heart is expanding.

Bummer, is all I can say!

Maybe feeling frustrated and enraged is better than not feeling ?
Could it be that somewhere in there you have been appreciating her commitment and reliability, and now...

I agree we get settled in our routines and it is comforting that we can count on them.

Wishing your T a quick recovery!

I've also learned over time that if I do the cancelling, then I'm in control and when my therapist does the cancelling or re scheduling, she's in control (in my distorted mind that is). AND I have a tendency to hate not being the one doing the rejecting . . . even though she isn't really rejecting me . . . again my warped way of looking at things. Sorry your therapist had to cancel, stopdog, but the interesting side of this is look at how interesting all of this is going to be for you to pick apart and analzye!

Bummer indeed. I can only hope that is not what is happening. OR that I can find a way to mitigate it.

(that was always the saddest part of How the Grinch Stole Xmas - when his heart grew three sizes - it brought me down)

Well, it is not as if I would actually tell her - she would go straight to some sort of nonsense about me being attached to or caring about her. I cannot, in fairness, have her laboring under those mistaken beliefs.