Erotic Transference Explained

Hi all! I came across this simple but good explanation and thought I would share. I hope it clears things up for those who are concerned or curious about this crucial therpeutic process. Velvet

Erotic Transference
WHY do most individuals go into psychotherapy? Well, there can be many specific reasons, but there often is one basic, underlying reason: something was lacking in their childhood family life, and this lack continues to cause problems even in the present.
A Remedy for Family Failure
Now, one very common lack in contemporary families is the failure to treat children with unconditional nurturing guidance and protection. So instead of learning true love in their families, children—through all sorts of family manipulation and game-playing, if not outright abuse—are essentially taught to fear love. And the pain of all this loneliness, guilt, and fear will live on in the unconscious, in a sort of timeless emotional imprisonment, even as the child grows through childhood and adolescence to adulthood.
So, suffering from psychological pain, you will seek out psychotherapy. Through healthy and honest interactions with a psychotherapist, you can learn to think and act in new, emotionally honest ways, different from the psychological defences created in childhood, so that current problems and symptoms can be remedied.
In this profound interaction with the psychotherapist, however, a new problem can emerge:
Feeling Special
As you begin to encounter genuine concern for your well-being, the whole experience of psychotherapy can feel overwhelming and intoxicating. Once having felt ignored and misunderstood, and now feeling noticed and understood—and not rejected—you can start to feel special. Moreover, you can begin to believe that the psychotherapist is special as well.
When this happens, everything can take on a feeling of erotic “love.”
You see quote marks around the word love in the last sentence because erotic feelings are really feelings of desire, not love. I want to know more about the psychotherapist’s personal life. I want to know what he or she likes. I want to be with him or her outside the psychotherapy sessions. I want to believe that he or she feels an attraction to me. And so on. That’s desire. It’s desire because it is based in what “I want,” not in what you or someone else needs.
Think for a moment about the whole purpose of family life and wonder what any infant needs. Well, an infant, born into the world completely helpless, needs protection and guidance in order to grow and develop its own abilities, so that, in maturity, he or she can go out into the world to do good for others. That protection and guidance—which is an aspect of true love—isn’t meant to make you feel “happy”; it’s meant to help you develop your unique talents and grow into a productive member of the whole human family.
Now, true love does have a function in psychotherapy. Love can be defined as “willing the good of another,” and this is precisely what the psychotherapist is ethically bound to do for all clients. The psychotherapist wills the good of all clients by ensuring that all actions within the psychotherapy serve the client’s need to overcome the symptoms that prevent the client from living a useful and meaningful life.
Flirting with Emotional Disaster
As unpleasant as it may be to admit it, erotic “love” is based on infantile needs to be received, accepted, and satisfied. When someone feels intensely received, accepted, and satisfied, then he or she is “in love.” But sooner or later that intensity will be broken. The break doesn’t even have to be the result of malicious neglect; it can simply be the result of a need to attend to other obligations in the world, and, in the person feeling neglected, intense jealousy can flare up.
This explains why “lovers,” friends, and blog readers, with all their personal needs and desires, cannot function psychotherapeutically. And it explains philosophically—above and beyond any laws or professional ethics—why psychotherapists cannot be friends or “lovers” to their clients. If they try, it will lead to psychological disaster, for without the “third person” of the unconscious in the consulting room, the psychotherapy will degenerate into emotional chaos.

Understanding the Erotic Transference
Erotic “love” within the psychotherapy—technically called an erotic transference—is not necessarily a bad thing, though. That is, it’s not a bad thing if it can be understood as one essential step toward learning true love.
Just as any child who receives gifts from others, must first go through a phase of development characterized by a “hoarding” or “clinging” mentality—``Mine! Mine!` before learning to share with others. So you, in feeling the enthralling acceptance of your psychotherapist, will at first want to hoard that feeling and claim it as your own personal possession. But that feeling can’t stop there, and your psychotherapist’s job is to make sure it doesn’t stop there.
Sadly, many psychotherapists are not very competent in dealing with subtle psychodynamic issues. In fact, many psychotherapists feel uncomfortable with a client’s erotic transference. Why? Subconsciously, many psychotherapists are caught up in their own erotic transference with the world around them. And so these incompetent psychotherapists can make a mess of the whole process. Instead of just admitting, “Sure, you’re an interesting and attractive person. But that’s not what this work is all about. So let’s get on with the real work,” they try to hide behind a forced façade of neutrality that only leaves the client exasperated and confused. And if the client tries to speak about his or her feelings, an incompetent psychotherapist will shy away from really exploring the depth and vast unconscious extent of those feelings. Or an incompetent psychotherapist will, for his or her personal satisfaction, “fan the flames” of the client’s desire. Yet none of this is psychotherapy—it’s just more of the same manipulation and game-playing that has brought the client into treatment in the first place! So remember why someone goes into psychotherapy: to experience a sense of genuine recognition so as to overcome the lack that disturbs current social functioning. Once all the manipulation, game-playing, and dishonesty that characterize your interpersonal relationships are dissolved through the integrity and honesty of the therapeutic relationship, then you can enter into an honest life of true love for others.
Is a psychotherapist just a “paid friend” or an “emotional prostitute”?
The Real Task of Psychotherapy
Your task in psychotherapy, then, after you experience that intoxicating feeling of unconditional recognition, is to recognize in the transference itself as your desire to hoard that feeling. At this point, it will be important to talk openly within the psychotherapy about those desires and explore their deepest unconscious significance. Talk about how good it feels to experience recognition and understanding. And talk about how painful it felt to have been unrecognized and criticized as a child.
Assuming you have a competent psychotherapist, resist the temptation to terminate the treatment so as to run from the embarrassment of honest communication. Work through the awkwardness of it all until your desires for the psychotherapist are seen for what they are: an intoxicating attempt to hoard feelings of recognition and understanding.
Then, having understood the profound difference between desire and love, and having worked through the unconscious illusions (i.e., psychological defences) behind your intense desire for one person, you can proceed to offer genuine love to everyone.
Summary
When you are working to overcome the transference, keep in mind this important fact:
You are not “in love” with your psychotherapist; you are obsessed with the idea that another person can give you what has been missing in your life because of what your parents—especially your father—took away from you in your childhood.

Awesome, velvet. very helpful, thanks.

You are most welcome Hankster! It really clarified things for me too!

This is terribly hard for me right now. There is no way that I could ever be able to bring this up to my therapist. I did talk to her about it one year ago when it first came up. She did fine with it. But I could never talk to her about it again. For all she knows, I am not struggling with it anymore.

I wish I had another therapist to help me with this. That way I can still see my current therapist, yet have this other person coaching me through the transference part of therapy. I hate having this issue. I don't get why I am going through this. Why can't I just stop thinking about things I don't want to think about!!! I know better than this. I know it is not right, so why can't I stop it?

Thanks, Velvet. This is much more detailed but otherwise very similar to my T's explanation when I was confused about my own feelings for him. My feelings felt like a deep love in some ways, but I was very much aware of the fact that I knew him in only one context, in a boundaried, professional relationship, and therefore it was impossible to actually "love" him as a person, because I don't really know him as a person. We talked a lot about the confusion patients often experience between love and acceptance, and he said it's very common for patients who never had the security and love they needed from their parents to think they deeply love their therapist because the acceptance and compassion they receive from him feel like a deep love.
This article explains the process and the feelings very clearly, stressing the importance of talking about the feelings and learning from them rather than avoiding them or "fanning the flames." Handled properly, the growth and maturation process really does work exactly as this therapist describes it.

Squiggle don't you see? You are supposed to go through it. No need to feel bad about it! You are probably right that your T doesn't know unless you tell her. You see until you resolve it with her you are blocking your progress on learning how to love others in the real world. Whenever I have hit a topic I found hard to bring up with my T- I wrote it out first. Then in session I would look at my notes and babble on. Would you be able to write something out and give it to your T? If she did fine with it the first time, there is no reason not to believe she would not again, right? Would you not feel the weight of the world off of your shoulders once you dealt with it once and for all? I know it's not easy, but what's the worst that could happen? What does telling her mean to YOU?
Velvet

Hi Preacher Heckler,
for all we know our T's wear socks and sandals together!
Actually your second quote in your signature (which I love!) actually sums it up rather nicely don't you think?
If we don't know what healthy love feels and looks like someone needs to show us so that we can find it in the real world. They are teaching us a skill we need to learn.
Velvet

This explains SO much. Not sure how I feel about it all yet... confused, actually. But this has given me lots to think on...

Hey Hope-Full
Join the club! I think we have all felt confused with this process! I am glad the article has given you something to ponder. Like you say "Knowledge IS Power!" Good for you!
Velvet

This is very interesting and clarifies certain things for me. But what is the difference between strong feelings for a T and strong feelings for someone you may meet socially who focuses their attention on you - is this any different?

I think a lot of people get into trouble early on in relationships by not being able to tell the difference between attraction and love. I think anytime we develop strong feelings for someone who pays a lot of attention to us, the first thing we should be asking is, why? If we really don't know the person well at all, or we barely know him/her, then where are these strong feelings coming from? Maybe the divorce rate would go down significantly if we understood more about ourselves and our patterns of behavior in relationships before falling head over heels in love and then finding out -- too late, sometimes -- that it was never really love at all.

My initial reaction is ANGER. I've been robbed!

P.S.
I'm having abandonment issues and any discussion of therapeutic restraint or unreality just makes me feel worse.

That's a hmmmm, moment for me - thank-you it explains most of my life to me.

I have talked with her about a lot of things. Even that of having uncomfortable feelings about her. I did admit that to her last year. Yes, I did tell her they were of a sexual nature at times. I don't feel love for her, though. It is all attraction and the 'erotic' thoughts at times. I don't know that I could ever talk with her about that again. I just can't.

I am sure that she would tell me that it is not that surprising that I have these feelings given the issues I am facing in therapy. Talking with her about unfulfillment in my RL and how much I feel cheated that I don't have an intimate relationship is a huge part of our discussions. I would definitely feel better if I had someone to talk to about these erotic feelings and emotions. I just can't talk about it with her since she is the one I have those thoughts and feelings about!

I talked to my T about wanting to tie him to a bed and doing all kinds of strange sexual things with him and to him. It can't get much more embarrassing than that, Squiggle.

Though framed in terms of EROTIC transference, I bet PARENTAL transference is exactly the same.

I'm going to print it out and when T comes back (still five weeks away) I'm going to talk about why it triggers me so badly.

Yeah I've experienced it as being the same. Whether it's erotic or parental, the intensity of the "love" feels the same.

UUhhmmm........haven't thought about tying her to a bed, but I have had a lot of other thoughts that come out of nowhere it seems. I can't disrespect her by telling her those things. I feel like it would be demeaning.

Is it really necessary to address this with her? Don't all human beings have weird thoughts like that at times? I mean, we can see a total stranger and some ridiculous thought can pop in our head. Like sitting in church and thinking about everyone being naked! Where does that come from!

The thing with my therapist is that it happens all the time. It is a conscious thing for me. It is not always some random thought that pops in my mind. Often times, I want to think about it. I dwell on it. Then I feel like I don't need to be seeing her if I can't stop thinking about her in that way. Like I said, its not love. Maybe lust?

It would be demeaning to actually try to do those things (unless she wasn't your therapist and this was a mutually consenting relationship between adults) but talking about it isn't disrespecting or demeaning her. My T and I have learned a lot about my power and control issues (or rather my response to feeling powerless as a child) by talking about those fantasies. It's very difficult and embarrassing but he doesn't feel disrespected or demeaned at all. He has actually told me he respects me for being able to bring these issues to him and being willing to explore their meaning. Sometimes the fantasies aren't about love or lust or sex at all. They're about power and control, about feeling helpless and wanting to humiliate an authority figure the way we may have been humiliated by a parent or other authority figure in our childhood.

Here are my thoughts on transference. I am going to speak in terms of Parental transference and how it has played out for myself.

A couple of years ago I started therapy and I was just like stopdog. My very first question in my mind as I sat across the room from t for an intake was, "I wonder what this a**hole can do to help manage my anger. I wish he would shut the hell up and give me some worksheets."

Then it was like he worked his therapy magic. I was resolved to be finished by 6 sessions and that is where he thought we had just begun. By that time the talk in my head as I sat across from him was, "What is happening? Why do I like this a**hole?" I tried my real best to hate him and keep him at arms length. I just wanted my darn worksheets.

I have had so so SO many conversations with him over the last 2+ years of therapy regarding this so called transference. Here is an example of the context of a conversation I had with him recently. I told him that I felt completely bamboozeled. I was completely ignorant of what was in pandora's box and if he would have been straight forward I would have ran like the wind. He didn't disclose how hard it was going to be until there was enough investment on both sides. I told him I was tricked into "developing an attachment to him." It was something that was fostered by him and his stupid psycho techniques that he learned in graduate school. I myself took most of the blame because I was in the wrong place. He asked me where I should be then and I told him I should be spending my time at an adoption agency in China getting a profile built so I could have a family. I am now over 18 so in America you don't get adopted but I have heard in China they do proceed with adult adoptions. Cool huh?

He said that yes, he agreed a different family would have been the best option but since that is not going to happen that maybe therapy is the right place for me. I told him it didn't seem right that I wanted something from him that he could never give me and that I got angry at him for things that are not even logical. I mean really, is it fair that I go to a therapist for "therapy" and then change the game? Oh, by the way I don't want you to be my therapist anymore, I want you to be my dad, my family. I wan't to be in your life more than 2 50min sessions a week. Yah, I know I came for therapy and you provide therapy. I put you in a position where you can not succeed because that is not what you are for. And isn't that truly unfair to you?

So apparently it is a process of grief. You don't know what it is that has hurt you. You figure it out. And then you talk and cry about it. You exhaust yourself and your therapist. Then the good things happen.............ready? This is important................................................................................pay attention, here is the hope.

My journey has been one where I grieve what I never had. I find the harsh reality is, that t can not give me a redo and take me home and tuck me in at night. I go through all the stages of grief and in and out and back through them. You have to grieve with someone to witness to truly grieve. And then after all of that you start to see that there are certain special things that a t can do for you and you accept and treasure that as well. Something was indeed missed and you can never get it back. My t has been a true gift to me and has been amazingly supportive. He can not take me home but he does tell me I am special. He tells me he has missed me. He reminds me to take my medication when I am off. He comforts me. He has given me a hug "side hug" when I am really hurting. He calls me back and understands I need to have frequent contact. He validates me like a champion. He's my stability when all else seems chaotic. He has even said that he truly loves me and I believe him. He is my t and not my dad. He is my t and that is also a special relationship that can be honored in and of itself.

This will make some people's toes curl and that is ok. This transference does not happen to everyone. And if it doesn't apply in your specific relationship with your t more power to you. You are side stepping a lot of pain that anyone who has would surely trade. People are in therapy for many different reasons. People who have had a neglegent abusive upbringing and find there way to therapy inevitably need a different type of treatment than someone who was reared as a child and are having difficulties with a particular aspect of one's life. Also, someone who has found an intimate partner in real life that is safe may not have issues of erotic transference that some others endure. That doesn't mean one therapy is better than the other, or off course, or had by an incompetent therapist. It simply means that it is different. Thank goodness there is a balance at least for t's.

Thank you for this thread, Velvet. It certainly explains my "pattern" and how I relate to my Ts. But I don't understand why the author says the "father" is the important person in this scenario, not the mother. Sorry I don't know how to quote it my reply.

HOW on earth do you do this and then go back the next time??? I didn't tell him anything so detailed and I am dying inside at the thought of seeing him next week. Three days now until I see him, if I don't cancel.

You know, maybe I'm done with therapy. I totally understand why I feel the way I do. I even understand why I want to give him a bl** job instead of having sex with him. It's about liking him and wanting to give him pleasure, but also about control. I am sick of how in control he is and it would be a lot of fun to just make him scream in pleasure. And I hate feeling exposed so there's no way I want to get naked with him. So, given that I understand that, and realize now why I suddenly started feeling so intensely about him, I can totally quit now, right?

sigh. Please tell me HOW to go back without feeling like crawling under his desk or sitting there with a sack over my head.

MKAC, we can go back because it's our Ts JOB to help us with whatever we bring in, and it's not TMI for them. I have the same problem. I can't stand it that she knows what she knows about me, and she sees what she sees. I want to hide from her!! But I know I will go back because she accepts me and I want to get better. If you tell your T how embarrassed you are, he will reassure you that it's all right. You may have to ask for reassurance again and again. That's how we can go back.

NO, MKAC, DON'T QUIT! To borrow one of my T's favorite and most useful phrases when I feel unable to handle the embarrassment -- "You can do this." You can. It's very difficult, and it really helps to have a T who is unflappable, but with practice it does get easier.

He seemed pretty unfazed by the whole thing, and even hugged me at the end, but I was totally fazed. Just feel so very stupid and embarrassed.