whats wrong

trigger for mention of SI



things have been for the most part been on an even plain.i have had my therapy day changed and that was amazing,i had a somewhat good visit with my son(the stepmother could have stayed home she caused problems and stress)i also got some much needed information and help with what i was dealing with when my son came home on leave. i have been OK not great but OK. i did have a few moments when i was at my sons graduation but i was OK.NOW i wake up in a panic today i am having SI thoughts and I'm not so sure how thing are with my relationship with my T.i am kind of lost and i don't know what to think or do.so much of a part of me doesn't want to talk to her at all.it kind of isn't a fear this time it is more of a power thing.i want to SI in a way to say F-you.but i would never tell her i did it.i want to go in there and say nothing just sit there.i don't know if this is because i am so disconnected with her right now for some reason i want to push the limits of our so called relationship.i just don't know but I'm scared that i am going to destroy our relationship tomorrow I'm going to get her furious with me. all i can think of is i want her to be .otherwise why am i wanting to do all this stuff.it like OK i don't need you ,i don't want you near me,etc... WHY?????

Is this related to the issue that is standing between you 2 right now? The military info?

sannah i just don't know.i really was working hard on trusting her and feeling close and being able to open up.now it just seems like it is all gone and i don't know why.she really didn't do anything wrong.it just isn't there nothing is and maybe im angry at that.i know it is my fault.i didn't go to therapy.i mean she even changed the date so i wouldnt miss so much T.maybe i cant handle having as much therapy as i have been having or the idea of it .i don't know.maybe T just isnt for me right now.

every disagreement doesn't have to be a fight to the death, with the mother triumphant and us beaten down and humiliated - but that's the model we grew up with, and why it's SO HARD to be even a little bit mad at anyone?

but I have a picture in my mind of your session tomorrow like two ladies at tea, and you telling T about the military weekend, and then saying, "So you see, my dear T, I was NOT miscalculating or misunderstanding (or whatever she said) my dear boy's behavior; I was being entirely appropriate to the situation. Do you see that now? And I must thank you for your help in my being able to calmly tell you this." Then T falls off her chair and SHE can't talk!

I guess i'm saying, you can be mad at her and yell at her if you want, because she got it wrong, and that would be fine. Or anywhere in between. But nobody has to WIN OR LOSE? That's been the key phrase with me and my T this week. My mother set everything up as she wins, everybody else loses, or vice versa. No partnership, no buddies. But that's so clearly NOT the case with you and your son - can you extend that same caring to your T?

I don't know what's wrong but I agree with Sannah. Do you feel misunderstood by your T regarding your son and the military (I'm glad you are getting the support from them about it! )? Maybe you want to lash out at her for that?

Or, it could be that now you have a lot of hard work in therapy ahead of you and it's overwhelming. Talking to your T at all, and asking for the day change was a huge accomplishment for you!! Maybe you need to relax a bit and just see what happens in your session.

I don't think the trust and opening up is all gone. It wouldn't disappear like that. It could be you're scared of what's next? PLEASE don't stop therapy because of your thoughts and feelings today. Just go, tell your T what's going on, and how you feel. You can do it, granite!

Are you angry with her because she didn't know stuff about the military and you thought that she wasn't focusing on the right stuff concerning your son?

sannah maybe i am but at the same time i feel that it is unreasonable that i expect that she does.she focused on my reactions to me son.especially my feeling that i am the toxic mother from hell.she responded to that . i understand what she was trying to say but it left me feeling like the way i was feeling wasn't real and that what was not going on wasn't really real.but i don't know if this was her or me

>> my feeling that i am the toxic mother from hell.

you are NOT !!!!!!

I wonder if the feeling of confusion is coming up?
for some of us feeling confused can feel scary.
Your T. has changed your meeting days, which could have one feeling that T. has their back, so to speak. and yet-- T. didn't(couldn't) see an important situation with your son, of who is closest to your heart-- so that may feel as though your T. didn't have your back.

if I were you, I'd feel confused....

not blaming T. coz, how could she have known everything-- yet-- it's still kind of scary to feel that T. didn't "get it" on this occasion..... she only got part of it....

anyway-- do you think this could be what's going on?

fins

((((((((((Granite)))))))))

I have a couple of thoughts.
1) I also agree with the others that this might have to do with the military issue. Is there any paperwork that you were given that you could take into her and show her? I know for me at least providing information from another source can be validating when I don't feel like I'm being heard.

2) In response to your fears that you are going to destroy the relationship and make her mad at you. One of the things I am working on in therapy right now is knowing that people don't change from one instance to another. I am sure that is what happened with your mom. It happened with mine too. I could never predict when things were going to go wrong. So I tried to control everything. But with normal people, they don't change from one instance to another. Your T has previously been able to deal with your anger and upset. And she has not lashed out at you. She will be able to deal with it this time without lashing out at you. She will be consistent in a way that your mother was not. I know this is really hard to believe. I find it really challenging to believe that doing any little thing wrong wont make people mad at me and destroy the relationship. But your T is NOT your mom.

I hope that you feel better soon.

it does feel like the trust is gone.kind of like everything is gone.i hope you are right rain and i will go in there tomorrow and all will be well.maybe i am just scared ok what is waiting for me and i am just scared

Wow Googley-- that is such a great post!

I can relate as well, to such a mother.

and you explained it all as clear as crystal-- it makes so much sense now- thank you!

fins

lol love the vision.i do someday hope that i will be able to go to my session and just sit down and work out my issues and just come up with all the answers.i just wish i could get rid of all this anger ,fear and resistance at every turn

it is so true that i never knew what the mother was going to do about any given situation.i do always feel that i could at any time i could do something that will throw my T over the edge.i don't think i will ever loose that.

Sounds a little bit like a reaction to having to be "good" for so long and cope with sons and situations that are difficult. You aren't feeling that good yet and maybe are afraid you or T will feel you are and that you don't need her anymore?

No one has to be wrong here and no one has to be right. It happened and if you look at what happened with you about this with her it will be very helpful. I think that this is what therapy is mostly about, understanding our misunderstandings and confusions. This is how you work through the pile to a better life.

((((Granite1))))
I'm so sorry that you are having those thoughts. I hope you can figure out what's triggering you. Meanwhile, keep us posted-hopefully healing will begin soon.
Bluemountains

Could it be that you are angry with T?
Have you ever told T you were angry with her?

well Wednesday person, hope things are going well for you. Check in when you get back, if you feel like it that is