Do you ever find it difficult to explain the therapeutic relationship to someone who has not been in therapy? My therapist and I have a mutual friend. I probably see this friend more than she does. It is awkward at times when I talk about therapy around this friend. She has a totally different relationship with my therapist than I do.

You may say, "Why do you bring up therapy when with this friend?" This friend is part of a women's support group that I go to twice a month. There are only 3 of us, so it is very intimate and close. We talk about life issues, family, children, etc..........so therapy stuff comes up in those conversations. I often feel bad if I say something about my therapist that might come across as mean. She has actually asked me before why I thought some things about my therapist. Like, "What makes you think she has a perfect life?"

My husband doesn't understand it at all. He thinks I am mean to my therapist at times. I probably am. I get angry with her, mad at her, upset with her many times! That is just part of therapy. I told him that a therapist somewhat 'pushes your buttons' to get you to talk about things you don't want to talk about. You never know what your reaction will be when that happens.

So, bottom line is this. How can you explain this to someone who doesn't get it? I am not sure that I even get it! Why do I feel so different about my therapist than I would about any other professional I may see? I wouldn't think a thing about one of them holding my hand or touching me. But if she did, I may freak out! Maybe that is because that is a boundary for many therapists. If she actually touched me, it would seem scary to me. Then again, I actually want her to touch me (hug or hold my hand)just to see what that would feel like. Does this make any sense?

I feel close to my therapist, but distant at the same time. Sometimes I look at her and think she is a stranger. Other times I look at her and think she is more like my sister. Can't say that she seems like a friend because that would sure break the boundary line!

[skysblue]

Personally, I don't think it's possible. How could someone understand the tumultuous relationship we have with our T's? I really believe that unless someone has had the experience they could never really relate. That's why it's so great here on the forum because we 'get' each other. We understand what it's like. The general population will not. I know I would not have understood it before I had my own experiences.

If I have been in therapy for two years, and still don't understand parts of it, I can see why those who have never been in therapy, just can't understand it at all. Still yet, it is very frustrating for me at times to try to explain to others. Not that I have that many I need to explain it to, but there are times when it comes up.

Some people think we just sit there are 'talk'. That's a huge understatement! Often times I can't talk and sit there frozen in a feeling of emotion that I cannot identify. There are others who think, "We all have issues.You are just being hard on yourself and trying to make yourself think you are some terrible person, or that you are so different from everyone else. You're not. You are normal."

If only it were that simple!

[critterlady]

I don't think you can explain it in words. I know I certainly didn't really understand until I experienced it myself.

I really don't think I would be at all comfortable knowingly having a mutual friend with my therapist. That would definitely not work for me. I don't think I would be comfortable having a friend see my T as a T, even.

[stopdog]

I dont think one can be mean or at the very least it does not matter if you are mean to a therapist. They are trained to be impervious. Perhaps that is hard to explain to others.

If anyone figures out how to explain the therapeutic thingy to those who have not been in therapy, please tell me, because the whole thing is a sort of crazy mystery to me too.

[sconnie892]

I agree with everyone else - it is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been in it. You have to live it to fully grasp what it is.

I tried to explain it to a colleague because she needed to know why I was always leaving for appointments. She thought I got to sit and complain to my t for an hour. I didn't even respond to that. This same colleague has also seen me after some tough sessions and wondered why I still keep going. It's even harder to explain why you keep going back to something you don't always want to be at.

[Perna]

I have a good friend who is a therapist but whom I've known for 40+ years, since we were in high school. It is odd when I use to talk to her when I was in therapy; like I could imagine her listening like a therapist but at the same time knowing she was "just" my good friend too.

I guess it is kind of like when I'm doing some of the things I enjoy and am good at and others are so positive about my skill and abilities but it just seems easy and natural to me; like when my brother spent hours meticulously installing a tape player in my car, hiding the wires, and I was so thankful and he laughed and exclaimed, "But I'm having fun!" Our T's are good at being T's. I try to remember it's just that and not "magic"

[beautiful.mess]

It's like trying to explain to someone who has no children what it's like to be a parent. And even as a parent, there are times when I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I'm somebody's MOTHER.

I try to talk about therapy once in a while to my dh and one of my friends, but they just don't get it. They look at me like I've got two heads after some of the things I bring up. Needless to say, I don't talk to them about therapy that often; I come here instead when I want to feel understood.

Like you said, *I* don't understand it a lot of the time. I completely and totally get you wanting your T to hug you/hold your hand and at the same time wanting to crawl out of your skin at the thought. It would freak me out too. But I want to. LOL. Makes no sense.

It's like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that's not there.

[SpiritRunner]

I know my H never really understood what the relationship was like for me or what it meant (or some of my friends either, esp. the one who goes to church with T#1)......he doesn't understand now why there still sort of a grief process over the T who terminated me, what, 7 months ago now, or why it was so hard for me recently when she backed out of a closure visit that she had initially seemed willing for when my 2nd T tried to set it up....I don't like that there is still an odd feeling of loss/grief over the whole thing. It was just such an intense, odd, powerful relationship......so good for many months, so rich, but also so hard, so painful, and the ending so strange......I can't even yet completely understand or explain the relationship to myself, much less to anyone else, why she meant so much to me and still does even though it hurt so much!
Now, my 2nd T experience was/is just a lot more straightforward and uncomplicated and easy to understand......she is important to me, but it's not so intense...the relationship and my feelings about it are a lot more definable....

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

It's like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that's not there.

No! The cat is there!

Originally Posted by critterlady

I don't think you can explain it in words. I know I certainly didn't really understand until I experienced it myself.

I really don't think I would be at all comfortable knowingly having a mutual friend with my therapist. That would definitely not work for me. I don't think I would be comfortable having a friend see my T as a T, even.

(I thought I already replied to this message, but now I can't find it!)

The mutual friend came about by accident. I was already seeing my therapist at the time. Then I came to know this friend who goes to my church. After she found out I was in therapy and I mentioned some things about it, she asked me "Are you seeing________?" When I told her yes, she told me that she was her roommate in college for 3 years!

Talk about awkward!!! I was scared to death to tell my therapist about it. Not sure why, but I was. I told her through an email. She wasn't surprised that we had met. She knew that her friend went to my church and that there was the possibility that at some point I would meet her and there was that chance we may put two and two together and figure it out.

I see our mutual friend on a regular basis. She doesn't. They do keep in contact, though. We all live in the same area. It is so strange!! Every time I am with this friend I get so anxious for some reason. I keep thinking about my therapist and what they did as roommates. I often wish I had that kind of 'friendly' relationship with my therapist, but I understand that it would ruin the therapuetic relationship if that happened.

I wish that I could overcome this tremendous feeling of anxiety about the whole situation. Its not like we talk about my therapist, and my therapist does not talk about her. I guess it is just the knowing that we share the same friend creeps me out! There is also some jealousy, I guess. My friend can 'touch' her. I can't. I have to keep that boundary.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

The mutual friend came about by accident. I was already seeing my therapist at the time. Then I came to know this friend who goes to my church. After she found out I was in therapy and I mentioned some things about it, she asked me "Are you seeing________?" When I told her yes, she told me that she was her roommate in college for 3 years!

Wow! What an opportunity!

FANATASY:

Next time T has you backed into a corner, ask:
* Do you still leave the top off the toothpaste?
* What ever happened to that Italian boy? You know, the one with the moustache!
* Like when you crashed you first car?

[unaluna]

How do you explain to someone the tremendous letdown that happens when your therapist has to cancel? You are relieved and yet traumatized at the same time. I am somewhat glad she had to cancel our session this week, yet I feel great sadness. I feel like taking this opportunity to cut and run. I always do this when something comes up and we can't meet. I test myself to see how I will do with missing a session. Normally,I don't do well at all. Upon telling my spouse that I would not be going in the morning, he asked, "Are you going to spiral down like you did last time?"

We are grown men and women in here. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is this relationship really what we think it is? What is the magical power that our therapists hold? What is it that draws us in and makes us want to stay away at the same time?

I am already counting how many days it will be between sessions since I am missing my appointment this week. Two weeks. That's only 14 days, about 336 hours, and 20,160 minutes. (If I calculated that right). I wonder if therapists know that we think this way.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>> How do you explain to someone the tremendous letdown that happens when your therapist has to cancel? You are relieved and yet traumatized at the same time.
you work (consciously and unconsciously) on what transpired in the last session, building toward the next one, you prepare, you even brace yourself, because the work is hard - and then the cancellation, it's all postponed and you have to start over with a lot of it. To me it's very understandable ... to feel the cutting of the continuity, like a cutting of the rope that strings from session to session.

>> We are grown men and women in here.
really? I wonder about that sometimes. Part of the reason we need therapy, in many cases (including my case). just my $0.02 though

>> What is the magical power that our therapists hold? What is it that draws us in and makes us want to stay away at the same time?
excellent questions. To me it's the fact that they can help us see, where before we could not; we so much need to gain that sight, and learn to put it in work for our healing; but therapy is hard, so hard, and so we are hopeful and daunted at same time.

>> I am already counting [...] about 336 hours, and 20,160 minutes. [...] I wonder if therapists know that we think this way.
I have a feeling they do but prefer not to think about it.

hope yr DH is helpful in getting you through the next 336 hrs.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I wonder if therapists know that we think this way.

I'm sure they do. I've been very candid with my T about this issue of attachment and neediness to her and I've asked her if any of her other clients feel the same way and she says they do but they try to hide it and are not as forthcoming as I am.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I wonder if therapists know that we think this way.

I would think they would know it from having been clients themselves. I would not trust someone to be a therapist even more than I already don't trust them if they had not been a client.

Originally Posted by skysblue

I'm sure they do. I've been very candid with my T about this issue of attachment and neediness to her and I've asked her if any of her other clients feel the same way and she says they do but they try to hide it and are not as forthcoming as I am.

My therapist says the same thing about this. She said that I am the only one that has actually given it a 'voice' so to speak. Its not that she hasn't had others struggle with transference, attachment, or dependency. They just haven't talked with her about it. She actually thinks it is great that I am able to do that.

I wonder if by me being this open and candid with her, I may be paving the road for another client she may have in the future? Kinda like I am giving my therapist some practice working with these issues with a client. Too bad she didn't have one before me. I wouldn't feel like such a weirdo if I knew she had dealt with this before.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Wow! What an opportunity!

FANATASY:

Next time T has you backed into a corner, ask:
* Do you still leave the top off the toothpaste?
* What ever happened to that Italian boy? You know, the one with the moustache!
* Like when you crashed you first car?

When the situation first came up and I found out we had a mutual friend, I was going through a rupture with my therapist. I asked our friend to tell me something about my therapist that I could use against her. I didn't say it exactly like that, or my friend wouldn't have told me anything. But that was my intention.

I sent my therapist an email and asked her, "Did you have a car tag that read ______________ when you were younger?" Her response was, "Yes, may I ask where you heard that? Not many people in this area know about that."

My thoughts were, "I gotcha now, sister! One up for me!" I felt so guilty that I caved and told her all about what was going on with meeting this friend. It came out okay, but I still struggle with the whole thing of having a mutual friend.

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I sent my therapist an email and asked her, "Did you have a car tag that read ______________ when you were younger?" Her response was, "Yes, may I ask where you heard that? Not many people in this area know about that."

o no you didnt!

[autumnleaves]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

I agree with everyone else - it is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been in it. You have to live it to fully grasp what it is.

I tried to explain it to a colleague because she needed to know why I was always leaving for appointments. She thought I got to sit and complain to my t for an hour. I didn't even respond to that. This same colleague has also seen me after some tough sessions and wondered why I still keep going. It's even harder to explain why you keep going back to something you don't always want to be at.

I have told people before that I lived the pre-therapy life for many years and that that life was at times so bad, that I would do anything to end that chapter. So, I keep going to therapy even though people don't understand and even though it royally sucks sometimes.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

o no you didnt!

I did and I loved it! I wish I could have held out longer before I told her who it was. But I felt like I was being mean and only making things more difficult between us. I also heard the story of when my therapist had appendicitis. How our friend took her to the ER and held her hair up while she vomited in a bucket!

For some reason I liked that story. Does this mean I am really warped?

My husband IS a therapist, and he TOTALLY does NOT get the therapeutic relationship that I have with my T.
I guess its because his therapy style is sooooooo different than hers. Or maybe cuz he's a man, and a very bossy one at that.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

How do you explain to someone the tremendous letdown that happens when your therapist has to cancel?

It's like having a date cancelled.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's like having a date cancelled.

I would have said colonoscopy. After you have already prepped the day before. And it has been rescheduled.