[stopdog]

I read this forum to find out how others do therapy - therapy being a great mystery to me and how others do it I find both interesting and sometimes horrifying. I enjoy humor and debate. I am not particularly possessive of threads I start or the therapist I see. The way I approach it seems to engender interest and horror in others.
I do not think you can save someone from their path, but reading how others approach things can make the path smoother or at least plant a seed of how things may become easier or different. Much like therapy (as far as I understand the psychodynamic type I do) the change or embracement of other ideas or approaches is probably not going to be sudden. And it may be two steps back or to the side to every one that is in a different direction. I feel supported when others play with me, tease me about my positions and in general seem to accept (not agree with but accept) that there are different ideas that can go and not take offense.
I often struggle with trying to be supportive of the person without seeming to encourage behavior that seems counter productive. Others, it seems to me, try to do it with me (all you attachment fiends). I appreciate the effort even if I disagree. I don't find the therapist I see particularly supportive in any way I would define it, and yet I do keep going back and handing her money.

What is support to you here or in therapy? (or anything else that won't get this thread moved)

I love it when you call me big poppa!

Seriously, I like the comradery, but it was hard to " break into" feeling that comfort and I am typically pretty outgoing ... Close your mouths, I know it's hard to believe...
My name is LolaCabanna and I am a reformed lurker.

[stopdog]

Do you only feel supported in one way or is there room for a variety of approaches? It seems the therapists who people feel supported by have a variety and all are not gentle.

[velcro003]

i was wondering where the question was before you edited your post

admittedly i am an attachment fiend, so you may disregard! If you don't feel supported by your T, or even trust her (you think she is 'wily'), why do you go? Do you feel better since you've been in therapy? I am generally curious.

For me--the support from my T has been years of consistency. Of her being exactly the same way for all these years. For continuing to tell me she doesn't want to get rid of me. I started a "T caring list" in my journal near the beginning of therapy. Just tiny little things that made me smile when I thought about. I just looked at that list the other night and it has gotten long! So when I start feeling like I am just a paycheck to her, I look at that list.

For example: She has responded to e-mails over the weekend. She has called me on the weekends when I am feeling especially bad. She doesn't have to do those things. The weekends are her time. She has told me that she has felt sad because of the way i was feeling, and it sounded like she meant it.

I guess for me, support is all in the details. YOu can say "I will be here for you," or "You are worth caring for." Whatever it is you need to hear--but none of it matters until you feel in your gut that what they are saying is true. For me it has shown up in years and years of consistency. I mean, it took me until the 4th year (this year) for me to finally start opening up to the things i've been avoiding. FOUR YEARS. I thought I'd be in therapy for a year, max.

[ECHOES]

Support to me can be about any kind of reply to my post. I like differing perspectives to think about, personal stories that are shared because they are similar, and sometimes reassurance that things may not be as dire as they seem.

I tend to be too serious, and I can get upset if others are not "serious enough" because it can seem dismissive or demeaning. However, I love humor. I guess I have a hard time fitting it in here, and in therapy as well.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by velcro003

i was wondering where the question was before you edited your post

admittedly i am an attachment fiend, so you may disregard! If you don't feel supported by your T, or even trust her (you think she is 'wily'), why do you go? Do you feel better since you've been in therapy? I am generally curious.

I realized that I knew the implied question, but others might not.

I go because she has knowledge I do not- not because I was looking for support or to trust her. I realize others do go for that, I don't understand it, but I do realize it. What do you get out of feeling supported by the therapist? I am not trying to be obstreperous here, I really do not understand. Maybe I do not even understand how one would feel supported by a therapist.
Do you look for that same sort of support on this forum?

I feel supported in therapy, here? I feel supported when someone really appears to want to understand and not just use my post to advertise who they are, when egos are forgotten and content takes over.

[lastyearisblank]

I felt supported when I first came here, because I felt to some extent that people were "channeling" their therapists in how they responded to each other; the responses were genuinely kind, supportive, and listening. Then I realized to some extent that people were putting the things that they learned in therapy to use and trying to share them with each other. Plus I think this group just has a lot of genuinely, sweet, intelligent people. I tried group therapy in the past and didn't like it so much, because I found it hard to really speak up other than responding. So, I'll admit it, I really liked it hear because when I spoke about my own issues, people paid attention, and I got real feedback.

I left though because I started to feel critiqued for saying things. And more than that, it was a feeling of being sincerely disliked by one or two members. That really made me want to leave. Also mentions of the "so-called" totom pole of popularity here drove me nuts, because I hate that stuff.

Anyhow this is a genuinely supportive place, and I miss it dearly sometimes, but I can so relate to what "inbloom" said in the other thread.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What is support to you here or in therapy? (or anything else that won't get this thread moved)

I can't say that I ever sought out therapy for support. For me, and for a very long time, therapy was more like a street fight. I have never gone to therapy to get my needs met, although I do understand and can empathize with those who do.

Here, when I have reached out for help for something specific, it has almost always been forthcoming.

Just a voice from someone out there is usually sufficient for me.

It's like everything else, a whole jumble of things.

[skysblue]

I think the group of people here on this PC forum are awesome. I see intelligence and sensitivity at play all the time. But as we're seeing now, we're experiencing a bit of heightened emotions because we're simply a group of people in which real inter-personal dynamics is being displayed. To me, this is just another piece of evidence of our striving for authenticity. We share our emotions, we discuss our points of view and we can all go home arm in arm.

Every time I have posted a question or a problem here, i get very useful comments and suggestions. I value input from all perspectives. If I only wanted what I already believed then it wouldn't feel like support.

So, to me, support here on PC is having authentic and real and natural conversations. We're traveling down similar paths being in therapy and it's an honor and a privilege for me to witness how others are experiencing their journey and also being able to receive others' wisdom and points of view.

Support in therapy is felt by me simply by knowing that my T does not judge me nor condemn me nor detests me and is by my side no matter what.

[PreacherHeckler]

Hey prairie dog, being able to play with you here really helped me appreciate and like you! When I discovered your Steven Wright sense of humor I knew we had something in common, and that helped me become more tolerant and accepting of our differences. But don't worry, you'll never get any push-button hugs from me because I hate the hug button. And besides, you're already getting enough subtle pressure from us attachment fiends. I'd hate to be responsible for pushing you over the edge and forcing you to retreat to a hermitage for the rest of your life. I do, however, like the smilies so be prepared.
I don't come here for the kinds of support that many others need because I am further along in healing from the past, and my relationship with my therapist is very stable now and has been for quite awhile. On the rare occasions when he and I have a conflict we resolve it in my therapy sessions. What I find supportive here is the fact that I "know" people here, and when there are stressful things going on in my life I can come here and feel connected because of our shared experiences in therapy. I can let go of my own issues for a little while by offering support to others, and I feel supported indirectly here by offering my own therapy experiences to members who are new to therapy or who have been harmed by unethical or even well-meaning therapists who made huge mistakes.
Humor has been as integral to my healing as seriousness, and I enjoy the lighthearted exchanges between members even when I am not posting. In all seriousness I'm not sure I would have gotten through some events in my life if I hadn't been able to find something to laugh about at the time. I think humor is demeaning when it's used as a way to ridicule someone, and I did see some of that here recently when one or two atheists mocked a couple of Christians, even using "haha" in a post, but other than that I really can't recall anyone using humor in a degrading or minimizing way. Some people connect to others easier by being very serious. Some connect easier through humor. Both, I think, are essential in life and in therapy.
Here are the smilies I promised you, sun dog.
By the way, for those who didn't know this -- we can only use 12 images in a message. The 35 smilies I had originally tried posting were denied.

[stopdog]

I find all therapists are wily - not just the one I see. I also see a difference in threads where the OP writes something about themselves versus threads which are more general discussion. In threads where OP is like "my appointment or life or therapist is not going well" get a different response from "What do you see x as OR how do you do y".

Has therapy helped? I don't know. I hate there is no way to measure it. I do other things too such as meditation and exercise so I would not really know which to credit for any shift.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

I do, however, like the smilies so be prepared.
I don't come here for the kinds of support that many others need because I am further along in healing from the past, and my Humor has been as integral to my healing as seriousness, and I enjoy the lighthearted exchanges between members even when I am
Here are the smilies I promised you, sun dog.
By the way, for those who didn't know this -- we can only use 12 images in a message. The 35 smilies I had originally tried posting were denied.

I have felt support from you PH and appreciated it. I guess I look for support over how frustrating I find the fact that no one can explain how therapy works. And sometimes I write here to help me sort out how to approach the therapist in some sort of logical or orderly fashion.
I am going to need aspirin for all those smilies.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I find all therapists are wily - not just the one I see. .

"Wily" - now that's an interesting adjective. Could you expound a bit more??

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have felt support from you PH and appreciated it. I guess I look for support over how frustrating I find the fact that no one can explain how therapy works. And sometimes I write here to help me sort out how to approach the therapist in some sort of logical or orderly fashion.
I am going to need aspirin for all those smilies.

It's the group hugs that get me....

Anyway, do you think therapy could be satisfactorily explained for you?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by skysblue

"Wily" - now that's an interesting adjective. Could you expound a bit more??

I will think about it and report back.

Originally Posted by elliemay

It's the group hugs that get me....

Anyway, do you think therapy could be satisfactorily explained for you?

I like the brain scan things neuroscience parts. I have read books and I do like the scientists better than the clinicians (actually I usually hate the clinicians). For me the way to understand something like this- that is more an art not a science- is through discourse - not this , more like this but not quite etc. Socratic method maybe (I am comfortable with that) So I do not think anyone here could do it, but I do not know why the professionals are not better at explaining what they do. I think they are deliberately vague.

[Snuffleupagus]

So, stopdog, you don't think anyone here can answer the question you keep asking here. The truth outs. I have often wondered what would qualify as an answer for you, because post after post gives subjective explanations of how therapy works for each poster in bits and pieces.

These are subjective answers because relationships are subjective experiences that differ depending on who is comprising them. And as has been pointed out and born out in hard research, the one therapeutic element that transcends technique is a strong, trusting relationship between therapist and patient (or client, if you like). This element can be linked to reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression in patients.

But, how it works in each dyad is different because each dyad is different, so each relationship is different. There are commonalities too. It is mushy. It would be lovely if the causality of our change were as transparent as billiard balls (although one could argue causation is fairly opaque there as well), but we are complicated and mushy and so many forces of change are at work within us at any given second that those forces are all but impenetrable.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I feel supported when

Great thread idea and thanks for letting us know about, You, Go Dog!

I feel supported when I am agreed with or "Thanked" (obviously, one would need therapy if one felt opposition when agreed with?) and, in therapy, when I feel I am being listened to.

I went on and on one session about my terror of gas powered lawn tools (specifically, having to go buy the gas in one of those little red plastic jugs and then add 2 cycle oil and not knowing if you added enough/too much and having 4-5 of those previously filled little red jugs in my shed, not knowing if they were okay to use or if you added more gas, how much more oil did you add, etc.) and how I'd bought a brand new, expensive weed whacker but never used it so had wasted that money and the bushes were over my head and covering my front windows like a haunted mansion even though I'd bought an electric hedge trimmer, discussing this to the end of the session and my non-native therapist, after gently saying, "We have to stop now. . ." asked, "What is a weed whacker?" Visions in my head of not being "understood" but then I realized she had listened to me (I could see it in her posture and face and "attention" to me) and heard my fear and confusion and was "there" with me so I gave her "credit" for that

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

So, stopdog, you don't think anyone here can answer the question you keep asking here. The truth outs. I have often wondered what would qualify as an answer for you, because post after post gives subjective explanations of how therapy works for them in bits and pieces.

I keep asking because I believe the more viewpoints I get the closer I may be able to come to different understandings even if I still seek a certain type of understanding in the end. And possibly I can understand people who are polar opposites of me better (when I respond logically to people I think are overly sensitive or controlling it does not diffuse the situation - I should quit trying and go away so as not to have them respond more upsettedly and make me more perplexed as to why they are so upset). As much as there seem to be those who are afraid of and will try to squelch any hint of conflict, no matter how civil, there are also those like me who feel like there is no substance without at least being able to tolerate some civil differences. I like reading the subjective information even as I find some of it very odd. Also how is this not true in life - we only have a few stories and they get told over and over in different words and settings etc. But it all can be reduced to person against person, person against nature and person against themselves.

I realize it is subjective (although I am not certain all here do), I realize many find me odd and I can live with that. I appreciate those who take the time to engage in discourse. It seems to work better for some threads when the people who participate are able to do so without needing their view embraced by all or even the OP. I appreciate hearing all the viewpoints, it does not mean I am going out and going to do what someone suggests necessarily. I may after a fashion or I may not. But I do find the information fascinating even if not useful to me in the way the poster may want it to be.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I will think about it and report back.


I like the brain scan things neuroscience parts. I have read books and I do like the scientists better than the clinicians (actually I usually hate the clinicians). For me the way to understand something like this- that is more an art not a science- is through discourse - not this , more like this but not quite etc. Socratic method maybe (I am comfortable with that) So I do not think anyone here could do it, but I do not know why the professionals are not better at explaining what they do. I think they are deliberately vague.

So, to ask in a slightly different way, what would be the criteria for a satisfactory answer?

[stopdog]

Further - in terms of support maybe there is a difference for those who gain strength or succor through outward showing of it in direct and effusive ways and those of us who seek less of it and in more prickly ways. A friend of mine loves t when her therapist tells her she did a good job and she can feel uplifted for days by it. I feel like the therapist is being condescending if she tells me good about anything. I don't look to her to tell me if something I have done is good or not, what difference does it make to me how she feels about something I did and so on - I respond with get the f away from me etc.

[Snuffleupagus]

I will also say that one of the best things I get out of this forum in particular is a check on my perceptions. When I was with my exT, and in what I can see now as an unhealthy relationship, I had no one else's therapy experiences to check my own against.

It was just me and her and that room. With no prior therapy experience, it was a bit like growing up in an abusive family. It feels normal. I feel much safer about the quality of my new T because I have others experiences on PC to check my own against.

Now it's me and her and that room and the collective experience of PC. That's support that will hopefully keep me from ever staying mired in an unhealthy therapy relationship again.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by elliemay

It's the group hugs that get me...

I always picture us as the Bundy family from Married with Children doing their group hug - CantExplain is the dad, of course.

"Support" for me comes when I feel heard or understood, when somebody "gets" me, when I feel we have experienced something in common? That's the "high" I keep looking for? I am going to have to think about this more. I think it's similar to the "what is connection" thread, which is the question of the month (or season) in T.

[Towanda]

So, to me, support here on PC is having authentic and real and natural conversations. We're traveling down similar paths being in therapy and it's an honor and a privilege for me to witness how others are experiencing their journey and also being able to receive others' wisdom and points of view.

So true. I feel honored to be a witness to the struggles and triumphs of my friends here on PC. The hugs when I've posted something I'm struggling with make me feel noticed and appreciated, almost as good as real life. The thank you's - wow what a feeling to think my words may have helped someone!

Support in therapy is felt by me simply by knowing that my T does not judge me nor condemn me nor detests me and is by my side no matter what

Again, so true. Support in therapy is felt in so many ways too numerous to list here. Simple things like answering my email or the warm, caring voice on the other end of the line when I used to call him in crisis. The way he can make me laugh; the fact that he has never shown anger or disgust despite six years of dealing with a raging borderline/bipolar too often in crisis. Never failing to celebrate victories, large or small.
Allowing healthy dependence but never encouraging overdepencence - making me stand on my own sometimes shaky legs no matter what state I'm in. That to me is support.

[tkdgirl]

I go to T to get knowledge. How to fix things. I guess similarly I come here to gain knowledge too. I feel extremely lucky to be able to read different people's accounts of what's going on. Or when someone posts a personal experience and people weight in with different opinions, it gives me insight should I experience this issue.

I feel like reading everyone's experiences has somewhat evened out the unbalanced relationship with T. Even though I might not have yet experience what people have posted about or it might not be an issue for me, the information is still valueable.

I guess I feel supported when I get useful knowledge. Being a lurker I aslo enjoy when threads get hi jacked or there is bantering going on, as sometime I just need a good distraction from my own crap.