[zooropa]

(trigger icon for mention of sui attempt, nothing else)

Three years ago tonight was my final suicide attempt. I survived, somehow, and today I can say that I am so glad I am alive. Even with all the pain and the fear that life dishes out, it is beautiful and I'm still here.

That said, I got a "congrats on living" text from ex-T just a few minutes ago and that text has thrown me into an emotional tailspin that all the high emotion of this day and this month of difficult anniversaries did not manage to do.

I know she didn't send the text to hurt me, but as soon as I recognized the number and realized it was from her, my entire body went numb. Then the stomach ache started, followed by tears.

I don't know what the "right" way to deal with this situation is, I don't know how I'm "supposed" to get through it, but the only thing I can do is just lock it away and keep moving forward. I will never get the closure that I want and deserve. That's just how life is sometimes, we don't always get what we need, much less what we want.

Unfortunately, for me part of healing has been avoiding PC. I spend a lot of time avoiding things that I know will illicit many memories of ex-T, with all the feelings that come with the memories. I don't know how else to stop crying and start functioning.

I continue to hope that someday I will be able to be a more active member of this board again. I am so grateful for the support I have gotten here. But, really, I just have to do whatever I can do to reduce the number of times per day that I think of ex-T. I don't know what else to do.

[SpiritRunner]

I am so happy you are still here and that you see that life is beautiful, even with its hard times.....I'm glad I can see that too.
If not coming to PC is what you need to do to heal, I think people here understand and support that. I took a long time away too.....and some days spend less time than others because sometimes I get triggered to think of my exT too, and that hurt isn't something I feel like I need to add to really.
It's a very emotionally mature attitude to realize that sometimes we really don't get what we want/need/deserve, life is not fair, but we move on, and try to leave the bitterness behind us. I think you have grown, are growing, a lot.
That said, tho xT means well and does seem to really care, a part of me wishes she would just leave you alone so you CAN move on with less hindrance/triggering reminders such as this. Both sweet and cruel at the same time to remember and text you......I don't know, what I wouldn't love to get something from my xT and am left to wonder how much/if she cares or thinks of me at all, but I think it would only dredge up hurt, reopen wounds I'm beginning to heal from.....so I think it's wiser for there to be silence between us.....and I really feel it would be wiser of your xT, too, to just be silent and let you heal.

[unaluna]

Omg. that is IT. You should pm a bunch of us her stupid number, and see how SHE likes getting unsolicited texts. okay, i'm not that great at revenge fantasies, i'm kind of a nerd. but this is so unprofessional. does she need mental help? this is just plain unethical by canadian standards. I am so sorry. you should not HAVE to deal with this, she should know better, but only you can take the steps to protect yourself now. unless of course you pm us her nbr...

[zooropa]

I think I replied and told her pretty much what you just said, spiritrunner. That I needed to heal and the way to do that was to not have contact. I'm not even sure what I wrote to her, honestly, and I am afraid to go into my texts and check right now because I don't want to feel the hurt that seeing her number and her words again will bring up.

Thank you for being understanding. I have been sort of hard on myself lately because I have been noticing how much I avoid feeling things about ex-T, and I know that avoiding feelings isn't healthy for me. But it does make me feel better to know that you are coping in some of the same ways, and it makes it a little easier for me to convince my inner critic that there isn't a WRONG way to do this, the point is just to get through it.

I do try to look at the big picture: it hurts less now than it did 2 months ago, and much less than it did 5 months ago. That is progress, and it tells me that in another 2 or 5 months it will hurt that much less. I have to believe that. My dream is to someday have an entire day go by without thinking of her, so that when I DO think of her I will have that moment of "hey! I didn't think of ex-T at all yesterday!"

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by hankster

Omg. that is IT. You should pm a bunch of us her stupid number, and see how SHE likes getting unsolicited texts. okay, i'm not that great at revenge fantasies, i'm kind of a nerd. but this is so unprofessional. does she need mental help? this is just plain unethical by canadian standards. I am so sorry. you should not HAVE to deal with this, she should know better, but only you can take the steps to protect yourself now. unless of course you pm us her nbr...

oh hankster, thank you. You made me laugh so loud that my dog was disturbed, LOL.

She means well, she does. And yes, I agree that there is some ethical violation going on. Actually, I think those 2 sentences I just wrote pretty much sum up the story of my entire relationship with ex-T as well as any 2 sentences could.

She meant well and she helped as much as she could but she followed her heart and not her head, she followed her heart and not the protocols, and in the end I paid the price. I should be, and am, glad that the price wasn't higher, because when you hold people's lives in your hands your mistakes can be devastatingly costly.

I'm so sorry that she sent this text, Zooropa. I get it that she probably still has regrets or concerns about how things ended and she might have wanted to be generous and giving, BUT I can't help but feel as though she SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! It's like allowing a wound to begin to scab over and then unexpectently reaching down and ripping it off. It's just plain wrong. I'm glad you sent a text to her and let her know that you thought that no contact was the best way to go. I sure hope she gets the message and honors it!

Congrats on the three years of living! I know you have had rough times in between but it is sure nice to see you celebrate the positive of those three years! Take care.

[zooropa]

I know that this is the time for me to block her so I won't get any texts from her any more. I haven't done that because, of course, there are parts of me that want to hear from her, that still sort of expect her to come in and fix this whole thing.

But most of the parts of me know that won't happen, and that by fixing it myself I am learning a skill that I will carry throughout the rest of my life: how to be okay on my own.

As soon as I can face opening my texting app I will block her, and I will send her mental thanks and well wishes for her future. I hope to hell she never goes through this with another client, for the client's sake.

[ECHOES]

zoo, she just continues to use the poorest judgement, to show her lack of skills and ethics.
She may mean well, but she did not think about this and what impact it would have on you, on many levels. I think the email was about her. It infuriates me.

That said, I'm very happy you are here, and so sorry for that really hard time you were going through then.

It's understandable that you need to avoid some things now during this part of your healing.

I am glad you are alive.

[googley]

(((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

I am SO GLAD you are here to share this anniversary with us! You have so much strength and courage. I really admire all you have gotten through. You are an inspiration to me.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

I am glad you are alive.

ex-T was the first person who ever said those words to me. It was after she found out I survived that last overdose. I think that moment, hearing her say that, was when I started to open my heart to her.

I am blessed enough to have heard those words a lot of times since then, from a lot of different people, and it still moves me. Thank you. I am glad I am alive, too. I always quote my favorite author, Neil Gaiman, when I talk about how that suicide attempt cracked open my life and let in all the light and hope I didn't know I could ever feel. Neil's quote that came to me then and comes to me almost daily is this: we save our lives in such unlikely ways.

We do. I saved my life that night, and now it is better in more ways than I would ever have dreamed possible. It's not perfect, and that's ok, because perfect isn't real. Ex-T hurt me, and she shouldn't have, just like so many other people have hurt me in my life. That doesn't mean I deserved it, and it doesn't mean I'm broken. It means I am alive and I am experiencing my life with all its ups and downs and risks and rewards and sorrow and joy.

[Flooded]

I still think you are the bravest

[zooropa]

oh, I checked my texts. I didn't tell ex-T not to contact me, but I told her I realized how contact with her was not helpful for me, and that I would try not to contact her in the future. I blocked her, I really doubt she would reply anyway but I don't want to feel that jolt of seeing her number in my inbox any more.

thank you for helping me see that it's ok to avoid painful things while I'm healing. I can be so hard on myself sometimes.

PS I want to reply to each of you but I am just totally worn out right now. I thank you each for your thoughts and your words, and I wish I could reply to you all but I need to be done with this for tonight. I'm going to get into bed and think about how amazingly wonderful my life is compared to how it was 3 years ago tonight. It feels like a million years ago, really.

[mortimer]

You're so amazing and strong.

Congrats, I hope things only keep getting better for you.

[SpiritRunner]

it's kind of like when I sent my closure/goodbye letter to T (because she decided not to allow a physical visit and in the end wouldn't even talk to me directly on the phone because it wasn't possible for T2 to be with me at the same time, since I had moved back home....), I told her that I had realized she was not safe for me, nor was I safe for her - because of the emotions/reactions we seemed to induce in each other. it seems the same for you, zoo......your exT may sincerely care about/love you and you may have gratitude/love for her in your heart too, but it just seems that you are not safe for each other. it's OK to acknowledge/accept that and move forward....while still holding a care for her in your heart, letting the hurt go and yet treasuring what was good.
it's not a matter of denying your feelings/not dealing with them if they do rise up.....but it is a matter of not seeking out/feeding on thoughts that will add to the pain rather than encourage the healing, if that's clear. this is essentially what T2 said when I asked her, how long does the anger/hurt go on....she said, don't feed it, don't dwell on it, accept what happened and move forward.
I am really so glad that my exT really does have strong ethics and was able to see that it wouldn't be the best thing for us to ever see each other again and that she hasn't ever/won't ever reach out to me again because she cares enough to not want to add any harm/hurt. But I sincerely hope too that she is more aware of countertransference issues in the future and doesn't allow her boundaries to slide and then be so abrupt in tightening them again!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by zooropa

As soon as I can face opening my texting app I will block her

Or, change numbers because you want to move forward into your own life, one she's not in? Blocking always seems so "negative" to me, so defensive instead of assertive. One ends up with address books with pages of crossed out people in them and that has always struck me as sad. I just get a new book, copy over the people I want in my life now, and then trash the other book (not always, I have the small address book from college still, in the 1960's/70's :-)

[ECHOES]

I like the idea of blocking a person. It sounds very self-defensive and assertive to me.
Getting a new number sounds like avoidance (of the self-defense and assertiveness).

Maybe 6 of one, half-dozen of the other?

Either way, the decision is ours to make, about who we want to have contact with, and who we don't.

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I told her that I had realized she was not safe for me, nor was I safe for her - because of the emotions/reactions we seemed to induce in each other.

SpiritRunner...I haven't been able to be on PC much lately - things have been so messed up in my therapy and it's hard to be here - BUT wow, I'm glad I stopped by today and read this. These strong words are just what I needed to read and made me realize that there is a way out of a bad situation I'm in (not with T).

ZOO! (((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

I'm so glad that you are here to share this day with us, and to be able to look back and see how far you've come. I'm so sorry ex-T contacted you...it's so inappropriate and unethical and wrong. You did the right thing by coming here and blocking her.

You are such a beautiful soul

[zooropa]

sorry to have neglected my thread for a few days. I'm reviving it to say thanks again for all the replies. Spiritrunner, you are so spot on. We (ex-T and I) are not safe for each other. It seems almost laughable to me that I would have that figured out before she would, but it is clear enough to me now.

In some particularly strong moments I am able to accept that perhaps the way therapy ended for me was the only way it could have ended. Even if I had questions, misgivings, deep down, I would have kept going there and beating my head against a wall, so strong is my desire to hold on to people in my life.

I struggle with that acceptance, though, because it feels like excusing what ex-T did, and I'm not ready to do that. That I have survived this, that I have learned and grown through it, is not something I want to give her credit for. It feels like those are accomplishments I made in spite of how she bunged this whole thing up, and not because of it, if that makes sense. Yes, there is some anger there still, obviously.

[growlycat]

Glad you are still here too. Both on the boards and Here here.