[JohnShaft]

I've been debating (for the first time seriously) going to see someone about my sadness and anxiety issues. I've struggled with these problems my whole life. I've had thoughts of suicide from the fourth grade, but I know it's not something I would ever do, so I've never been too concerned. These issues do have a major impact on my life and they do bother me, however I'm not sure that they would fit a DSM-IV diagnosis of depression/anxiety. I fit almost all of the categories, but I've always maintained a fairly high level of functioning. When I take online tests of depression and anxiety, they always say, "Extremely depressed/anxious. Seek treatment immediately." I put little stock into non-clinical tests though. I think the tendency for people to self-diagnose confounds the results too much to be useful. I have an aunt who has struggled with depression her whole life (needing to be institutionalized several times that I can remember), I know I've never suffered impairments like her. Yet, like I said, the sadness is always with me and does impact where I go and what I do. What has been bothering me the most lately is that I believe that the sadness is negatively effecting my work. I'm a PhD student in psychology (research side, not clinical) and I've been having trouble this semester. I've been lacking concentration and motivation, two essential parts of being a student. I also feel like a social misfit, like there's something inside of me that makes it impossible for me to ever fit in with my fellow students and colleagues. It's funny because I see the problems and mistakes in the classes I TA for. I make global, stable, and internal attributions for problems. I self handicap. I emotionally insulate. I see them, understand them, and even know where they come from in my own life, yet I can not correct them. I am generally anti-medication and anti-therapy (for me, not for others in general). So I ask, what was your biggest hurdle to starting therapy (drug or therapy)? Was it worth it? How did it effect you? Are you "better" now? I really would like to know.

[Merlin]

My biggest hurdle to going to therapy was that is was saying I was not self-sufficient, I was saying my life was so out of my control that I couldn't handle it anymore... which was especially hard since I pride, or prided myself over having control of my thoughts and mood, but I didn't anymore. I think the thing that finally got me over that hurdle was the fact that my depression was life threatening, that I wasn't sure I could continue in this life if nothing change, and when I was ready to admit that I hadn't tried everything and thus not trying the alternative therapies meant that saying I was hopeless was and unproven fact.

im also a doctoral student.. but not in psychology,

but anyways.. m y biggest hurdle in therapy is getting out of my "mind" and expressing and feeling my emotions.

[hereiam]

I think the biggest hurdle was simply the decision to go. I was just like you (and am also following in your footsteps of eventually receiving my doctoral degree in psychology) and I was (and am still) very anti-medication. I believe medications can work wonders for some, however, I do not believe I am one of those people. My decision to go came from just being tired of being so depressed and anxious. The lack of motivation and concentration, as you've said, is definitely the essentials in becoming and staying a good student. Once you lose those, what are you to do?

Going to therapy doesn't make you 'weak'. Is there a specific reason you're anti-therapy? There is nothing wrong with it. If your had a body pain, you'd go to the doctor, no questions asked. What's the difference with a mind pain? Emotional distress is something that CAN be treated, and something you can recover from, the same way with a broken bone. The quicker you get treatment, the better.

However, I did go to therapy before I really thought I needed it. I went because I knew 'something' was wrong but couldn't quite place it, and I wanted someone to fix 'whatever' was wrong with me. I think that was alright, so I got an idea of what therapy was like, but it did a lot of nothing for me. Eventually I stopped, then returned knowing what I wanted to fix and had the motivation to do it. Basically I just got fed up of not living the happy life I thought I should be living. What I'm saying to you is...give it a shot. Just a try. You obviously know something is wrong or you wouldn't be here. You may find solace in reading others accounts of therapy, the process, medications, etc etc. I think it's great you're seeking help, if not in therapy, then atleast here with us.

Good luck with everything and please let us know how it goes! PM me if you need anything.

[kimmydawn]

I didn't feel that therapy would really help me. The reason? It was all in my mind (LMAO)and I should "simply" correct it.

Finally going to therapy was the best move in my life. There were so many things that t could point out (connections) about thoughts that I couldn't see. My quality of life has been changed completely.

John, maybe you need to really explore why therapy is ok for others but not for you? Taking that a step further, maybe you should put the "feeling" about it aside and listen to the intellectual mind only and you might be able to more clearly see the issue, and that you just might benefit greatly. I have a sense that your feeling about self and therapy might be standing in your way?

Please keep us informed.

KD

[Monty_girl]

I think I had to look at my depression as a medical problem. I suffered from major depressive episodes off and on since the age of 10. I had been in and out of mental hospitals since I was 15. I have now been on 6 different antidepressants. I had gotten to the point where I thought that I didn't need medication. That my problems are all psychological and an effect of my childhood. But now I understand my depression. I can see the patterns of how I decline. I had to come to terms that this is not a personality fault of mine, but the biological/ medical problem that it is.

Have to look at it as genes as well. You said your aunt suffered from depression. My grandmother was bipolar and I have an aunt and cousin who are both schizophrenics. So I see where my genes factor into my depression. After I understood that it's alright to be depressed and I did nothing wrong that's when I was able to accept it. Now I know when I get depressed. Kind of learned over the years that when I get to a point where I'm not able to function in my job or home life that I need to be medicatied. I'm able to go to my general doc and say I need to be on medication again. I normally stay on my med for a year or so and I then tend to do fairly well for a few years before I need a medication again.

I think you just have to look at everything going on in your life and see how things are suffering from your depression. I've been amazed after restarting a med about how I let things go down hill. My work had really suffered. I'm still playing catch up for the months I was depressed.

Monty

I went to my first therapist for alot of reasons. the first and main one was I was living with an alcoholic drug addicted relative and I needed help with her and getting her to understand her children needed her and her lifestyle and my being a fill in mom for her children who were emotionally and physically being hurt by her lifestye was bringing be down faster then my my own problems were. I was no good for me let alone the children and that relative needed to step up before I lost all of us (her, the children and me) to complete insanity.

I had basically hit rock bottom and the rocks were begining to bury me. So in desperation I called the alcoholic relatives therapist agency.

I was scared because I had never been to a therapist and my only experience with a therapy professional was in high school when because of grades I was sent to the school psychologist. and he was more concerned with bathroom funtions then anything and then told my parents and I was given a misdiagnosis.

A few years later I started seeing relatives therapist and yea things got alot better. I learned to not take care of the alcoholic (dont do the shopping, and cleaning up and coverstories when the children were in trouble and so on so that the alcoholic can see they have a problem and do something about it).

That first therapist also introduced me to relaxation/hypnosis techniques, and how to do as the therapy world calls it self nurture. That therapist went above and beyond for me and those children and that relative. Heck I still owe the woman at the least $200.00 that she put in from her own pocket when I couldnt afford the sliding scale fee of $10.00 a session. She put me in touch with a great agency - Adults Molested as children, parents united where I learned for the first time that I wasn't alone. Seeing that therapist was a definate positive experience all around.

There for a while I did stay away from therapy becuase I had had some bad experiences with mental health units.

What got me back in was that I have a disorder where the person really needs to stay in therapy for a long time (most therapy for DID takes 10-20 years sometimes longer depending on the client and how the therapist works.) my not being in therapy lead to a very bad situation for both me and my child. I was DHS mandated to enter therapy and my child had to also enter therapy. I would not be where I am today if I had had a different therapist then I did. I learned so much with this therapist and the way we did things it didnt seem like therapy at all. By then to me therapy was tear the heart out kind of stuff because that is what I had experiences a few times. but this therapist I got in 2001 was just so laid back and open minded that we were able to run in directions of research, activities and so on that would not have been posible with a run of the mill textbook style stiff as I call some types of therapists. we had a great time and got at the least 10 years of therapy work done in a three year time period. it was definately a positive experience with her.

My next therapist is the one that I have now. Where as my last t herapist and I hit it off right from the start this one and I had the type of beginning where you're standing on the edge of a cliff and the rocks shift so you slip down then back up again. The basic one step forwards and two back that comes with transitioning to a new therapist and both are trying to just jump in with their own expectations instead of taking the time to develop that bridge between each other. Once we both stepped back and took time to build that bridge to stand on instead of the cliffs shifting rocks we became a great team. and once again we are moving in directions that a textbook style stiff therapist would not be going. She is very open minded and willing to try anything that I incorporate or want to incorporate into our time together. Its definately a positive experience with her also.

[January]

My biggest hurdle was the fear the the pdoc would not believe how desperate I was. To my shock, she and the counselor understood completely. It was more than worth it. My life, while not perfect by any means, is worth living now.

My very best to you, John. Please go get the help you need. You will not regret it.

Jan

[Evangelista]

My biggest hurdle in starting Therapy, would be the ability to let go of the Professional persona that I had created to hide the pain of who I am, the duality created as a result of lack of trust, in another human being, afraid that by letting go of the only part of my life that was functional, would spiral me downward into the dark abyss of nonbeing again. My Professional Integrity is all I have left, but the inside pain was killing me, the fear of someone else knowing how insane my inner world is, my adaptation processes, so I would have to say John the ability to trust someone else with all the vulnerability that would come from self disclosure knowing that this could destroy the essence of my illusions of being the only part of myself I have left to be. Having a career in Healthcare at the Corporate levels, I know all to well the Stigma associated with seeking help, but again the duality of this mental disorder I carry, was overwhelming and still is a challenge, but without the Therapy the same driven passion to do what I do everyday, would have been directed toward a cliff with the same conviction. I wrote once that " I have a role, we play it well, to bad when were not playing, I am living in Hell."

Therapy has saved my life, it is changing my perceptions, and given me the one thing I lacked most, the knowledge that I can trust and be vulnerable, but make wise choices in doing so, and that change and growth is a life long journey and not a drive around the block. I have been prescribed multiple medications during this process, but I am very much against using them, and do so sparingly, (prn). I will offer my testimonial to the therapy process, and the ability it has to change a person’s life, and to offer them the chance to live one. By a long shot, I have a ways to go, there are days I am mired in the valley muck, staring longingly at mountain tops and blue sky, and then there are the days that I am on the mountain top, thankful for the process which is helping me to learn to reach its summits.

I hope you find peace John.

[(JD)]

I don't recall in going... it was a long time ago. But I can assure you that I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't gone and continue to go.

(((John))) I would say you are definitely depressed. Admitting you need help seems to be your biggest hurdle? I'm glad that you've realized it. You don't have to continue to live with suicidal thoughts, and all that sadness. Being depressed doesn't carry quite the stigma it did years ago... please go talk with a professional. You can always decide not to go back.

[Christina86]

I'm in counselling... not therapy but thought I'd add my two cents as well.

One of the biggest hurdles I experienced was that my friends and family would find out and see me differently.

Well, I've been in counselling since September, some of my friends have found out but they're nice about it. My family doesn't know, and unless I get worse or feel that its necessary, they probably never will.

My other hurdle? I thought that it was my fault, that it was something I had to just suffer through myself. I didn't think it was possible to get any better. (I'm also a bit of an emotional bottler, so the idea of telling anyone things in my head scared me to death!)

I'm anti-medication, but thats because my medical problems that I've been stuck with since I've been born has meant a LOT of meds, and I'd rather avoid having to take any more.

If you've hit rock bottom and are considering going, I'd recommend it. Its not an easy step to take, but I think anyone here at the site would agree that it is well worth it.

[TortieKitty]

Well, I haven't started yet--my appointment's tomorrow.

When I was in high school, I kept thinking that I was going to end up on a shrink's couch for the rest of my life, with the way things were. But I got older, and things settled some.

Then last year, I swore I'd go so that I could understand an aspect of myself. I had troubles finding someone, etc. (I did this time, too), and eventually, I just thought that maybe this was a good thing--maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

That was about understanding, and that was it. I just wanted someone to explain it, to put a name on it, so it would make sense to me (I'd already thought it to death for years). But I figured most psychs wouldn't want to just label something and not actually deal with it, as if they're just a botanist identifying a species of tree. So I figured it wouldn't work. I had no plans to change that aspect, and I still don't. My goal is to keep it out of the process when I go, but I'm sure I won't succeed.

This time around, I don't know...Things haven't been brilliant for maybe a year or two now. I've just been sort of lonely, out of it, messing up at work more...I have no idea. And one day, I was crying on a smoke break and suddenly wondered if it wasn't depression or something. But deciding to do it wasn't actually hard. The process of finding someone and maybe the process itself once I'm there, those are different. But you know, I've just been going it alone for 30 years, and I keep thinking it'd be nice if it could be better. I can't do it myself--if I could, I already would have. Anyway, no harm done. Even if I get in there and realize it won't work, I can walk away with no broken bones. Of course, then I'll feel bad that I'm trapped with no treatment, but...yeah.

[z0ey]

biggest hurdlES
1)opening the T's door for 1st appt.
2)calling -- i never did .. my spouse did it for me and found my T
3)justifying the expense -- still working on that one
right now just try to ignore the COST --eeesh its a lot
4) agreeing to go ... i finally did when i hit my personal bottom
5)not quitting

was it helpful?

ummm once i started talking lol well i can't tell for sure i just trust that it will be helpful .. although i dont see any personal growth/gains .. i can say i dont know what/how i would be doing without my T

in short ihave/ had a lot of hurdles
if i had to do it all over again --=- i would do it all over again

lol --sorry not so ummm .. hmmm not such a clear cut/definitive answer to the questions
well ummm i answered the best i could --lol -- hope it was helpful

z

[Hopefull]

In college, I had a teacher suggest that I see a therapist because I cried a lot. I was a perfectionist when it came to my writing. So, I would cry every time that I got a major writing assignment returned. I'd made mistakes. AAAAAAAAAA! What a crime? I think the biggest hurdle there was the assessment. I got the most annoying woman imaginable. She made you sit there and describe your symptoms. Then she'd repeat them back only in a worse version. I'd kind of agree aloud and not agree in my mind. But, they were freeby sessions through my University Counseling Center. But, the psychologist was very nice and didn't tend to do that overblowing of the symptoms things. Due to the fact that it was freeby sessions, we ended that year.
Now, I returned to therapy in November. The main reason why I hesitated as long as I did was the fear that my insurance would find out about the previous psychologist's theory (Dysthymic Disorder). I did not want to be labeled again. I hate labels. I have always had a tendency to have thoughts of suicide. So, I am used to them and just ignore them. But, when I started having trouble sleeping, feared falling off a ladder at work due to tiredness, worried excessively and ran myself out of mental energy one day. I decided to try to talk to a T. My insurance requires that one got to your Employee Assistance Plan and share your symptoms with them first. They had an on-line and I requested an appointment with a cope out statement on why. Later, I called on the phone and got stuck in a conversation involving the question "Do you feel safe tonight?" I had mentioned only one thought of suicide and here this lady is like overreacting. I mean I do that. My sister does that. It propably runs in the family or something. She asked me three times that question. I was nervous at the assessment on whether or not I was losing my mind, doing a repeat performance of Dysthymic Disorder or something new. I was really worried about the idea of my insurance thinking I'm nuts. I guess they think I'm nuts. The authorized more sessions.
As for my feelings about how I like therapy. I like having the priveledge of sharing what's on my mind with another human being. I enjoy (wrong word) sharing the thoughts and feelings that I have kept inside for way too long. Just thinking about some of those thoughts and feelings makes me cry. Haven't you ever wanted to be able to share some deep inner feeling with another human being? As for improvement, I was much happier in college after talking to him. But, I have only had five sessions this time around and my grandma died after the first few. I am hoping that this works again like it did last time.