Confused.

So normally me and T have a great relationship, but it's been feeling really off lately. He's been really frustrated with me (admittly) and its been making me feel horrible. Like last week he was talking about how I need to trust our relationship and I got upset and he got REALLY frustrated. He said it was cause he needed to make points without me shutting down. I just felt bad for not trusting him. Now I've got some horrible complex about not deserving his time anymore. I feel like I'm just a burden on him and the only way to stop being a burden is to quit therapy entirely. I "quit" yesterday in an email, but he just told me to stop with the negativity. Really? I feel like he's just not getting me for some reason. His time is probably better spent helping a client he CAN fix.

It's not HIS time, it's YOUR time. You've paid for it.

Sorry you are so down, but remember that you are worth it. My T gets frustrated too, but he keeps trying and so do I. I know how hard and lonely it is lost, but please try to see that you are trying. You show up every week and you try to talk. That's hard work.

I feel ya. I really struggle with believing my T cares and that it is more than just a job.

Even though you feel like you cannot help your feelings, there are things you can do. Tell yourself (constantly, if necessary) that your T cares, remind yourself of everything he does to SHOW you he cares.

Does he respect you and your thoughts?
Does he show up on time and/give you your full time?

These are big ways our T's can show us they care. It can seem like it is just them doing their job, but it is more than some Ts do.

Think of all the times he answers your emails and showed no frustration. I know he is showing a different side now which may or may not be the right track, but try to hold onto all the times he has proved his trustworthiness.

Best wishes

Clients do not need to worry about the therapist's time being wasted. You pay them. Have you tried taking a break or seeing a another one to see if a different therapist could help you more? I would not work well with one who told me to stop with the negativity.

Oh...and you definitely deserve therapy if you want it. Don't try to do your T any favors.

Sometimes they have to stop reinforcing certain behaviors to see if we can internalize things.

He's been saying it a lot lately and it's been pissing me off more than anything. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to take a break from him right now. I've been in crisis from week to week.

We DO have a great relationship. It's just been off and I don't know how to get it back on track?

Can you explain what you mean?

If your T always gives you the reassurance you seek or always does it the same way, you may come to rely on the reminder and never actually absorb the feeling and put it into action. By weening off the constant reassurance, the hope is that your patterns have been changed and you could find your ways to cope.

For example, at the beginning of therapy, my T was pretty quick to accept my blame of and anger at other people. She was also quick to help me not blame myself. She stopped doing this. I noticed and called her on it. She said the other way wasn't working and she was right. I am slowly realizing that it is not all someone else's fault or all my fault, and it is sticking with me more because it is coming from within.

Have you talked with him directly about feeling like things are off track? It sounds like its been a triggering set of interactions for you, which I completely understand.

This seems like the issue.

Our thoughts are just thoughts but they also drive how we feel. If you do not think you are worth his time, you do not feel you are worth his time (not the other way around; the thought has to come first because we cannot "do" anything without words.

Feeling pissed off about what someone else says (thinking angry, frustrated thoughts) does not help me. I strip what I feel about other people's words right off and concentrate on the thought instead. Am I negative? Do I want to be negative? What is my negative about?

I'm negative to protect myself. It pushes other people away so when I'm scared, I get really negative. When I see a relationship like that I realize I have good defenses, and I start to "play" with them. Can I adjust so I let people a bit nearer and hold it until I get comfortable? Can I let them really near and then push them away? I play with my own defenses and see just how good they are and I find that freeing because it means I am in control! I can frustrate T! Look at how strong I am. Let me see how to adjust this so I feel better about it.

This is a HUGE issue but he keeps not adressing it so I think he finally agrees.

Lost, IMO no T can fix a client. A T can only help a client see the issues and help them see changes that are needed. Its up to a client to do the hard work. Your T has always sounded great. His motive for changing things is not because he thinks your are unfixable... it is most likely because he thinks you are ready for the next level... Perhaps he wants you to learn how to have more positive self talk... to work on seeing a positive in the situation... to see an event from another point of view..
It is hard work to change the way we view things...

Try to trust the relationship you have...tell him how you feel...

Thanks for your point of view, I will try and talk about it in tomorrow's session.

I should have been more clear about what I meant. I was focusing on only part of this sentence and the part that I was focusing on was this part:

More specifically, that you are noticing that maybe he is frustrated because he can't fix you right now? It is making him frustrated and is making you feel bad? It would be great to talk to him about this. He might not be aware of what is going on with him?

It sounds like he's pushing you a little bit - not a bad thing. This has happened in my therapy and I've found it's all part of the process. A client may initially need heavy-duty support and nurturing in order to feel comfortable. As therapy progresses and the client gets stronger, they may need some nudging to get out of their comfort zone and start tackling some difficult things.

Probably your T has always been aware that you shut down when he makes some points, but he accepted that. Now you're stronger and he's being open about this and bringing it to your attention. It stands to reason that this will be difficult, but please don't feel that his frustration (how much is real and how much is perceived?) means that you are somehow not worthy or are screwing up.

The fact that he's pushing a bit means that you've made progress and are stronger and he feels you're ready to hear this.

The reason this seems so obvious to me is that I spent most of my last session discussing "pushing" with T, so it's fresh in my mind. I had no idea that it's done so intentionally and with such surgical precision.

Hang in there - don't turn this into negative thoughts about yourself.

That is exactly what is going on!!!!

I emailed him:

"So the last few weeks I've been feeling like our relationship has changed. It's what's been sending me for kind of a spin. Maybe things are just changing in my mind? Maybe I'm interpreting subtle differences, the wrong way. I feel like ALL I ever do know is frustrate you. In my head I've decided the only possible way to NOT do that anymore is to quit. I felt attacked on Monday when I shutdown. Of course I didn't mean to, but you freaked out on me. I know you want to help me, but that was so um...different. I want you to say whatever points you have to say. That has never changed on my part, and well if I shutdown, oh well... just bring me back to the session. It's not easy to talk about trusting you, because when you explain our relationship, it ALL makes sense. I understand it for a brief moment, and that makes me feel incredibly bad for not trusting you as a person. I feel guilty and ashamed for the way I doubt our relationship, because of my past relationships. You've been nothing but reliable and trustworthy and I'm sorry I forget that do often. You mean a lot to me, your more than I could have ever hoped for in a therapist. I want to be a good client. I want to take the things you teach me and move forward. The kid part of me wants to make you proud. I don't mean to fight you every step of the way, especially lately. I'm scared you are going to loose faith in me. You keep telling me to stop being negative like its easy. It's not, my wiring is screwed up there. I default to negative, you know that by now. I'm just looking to know from YOU that our relationship hasn't changed? I'm scared that your frustration with me will lead to you hating me. I don't know how to process you being frustrated with me, and how that affects our relationship. I don't know if you think I could be trying harder, or if there is something more I should be doing? I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here..."

I just hope he gets what I' trying to say.

It's real...I stopped him and asked him because he got visibly annoyed when I shutdown. I said you look frustrated, and he said.. I AM!!!

Good for you for speaking up like that! I find that very difficult to do. From your other posts it sounds like you're working through this. I hope he understands what you're trying to say, and I bet he will. ((hugs))

This is a WONDERFUL email and it will give you a great opening to talk about this in your next session. It's so fabulous that you were able to be so open and express all of this to him. I find that when I have those doubting feelings eat at me, then email my T about them, and then she'll briefly respond and we'll spend the next session discussing everything that I end up feeling more connected to her and our work moves forward at a better cadence. Sometimes you have to go through moments of doubt and frustration and fear in therapy to move forward. I'm sure that all will be fine. As you started this entire thread: "Normally we have a great relationship." - great relationships don't change all of a sudden (I have trouble w/ this one!).

You were right RTS! I couldn't help myself, I messaged him and asked if he was mad at me for not using my skills to cope yesterday, because I quit therapy, and went on a negative emailing fit. He, replied "No, and don't be mad just trying to get you to use the skills." Then I asked, if I could still go tomorrow since I "quit." he said, "I'm going to let you answer that after you think about how I explained our relationship." (he explained last week how our relationship is different than my past one's, and that our relationship will always be different as my T...(stable,reliable,trustworthy) no matter what's going on with me) and then asked.."so what's the answer?"

I said yes, then he said yes.

Very good LMW! I'm wondering if he understands shutting down? Why would he get frustrated with it?

I'm not too sure why he did.

yeah I don't understand shutting down, what that means. ?? part of what T's do is "mirror" us - was his frustration reflecting your shutdown, or what "should" his reaction be to a shutdown? Patiently wait it out? that's what I think he should do, what my T would do.

People shut down because of what is going on with them in that moment. It is about them, not about the T. To get frustrated over a client doing something so natural for people with issues just doesn't make sense to me. Does he think that you are doing this on purpose to make him mad? Does he think that it is a power play? I would suggest discussing this with him. What does your shutting down mean to him?