Does this board particularly make anyone else nervous?

I see how close people get to their Ts and it legitimately terrifies me that someday I will get that close to my T, because I don't really get close to anyone and I'm okay with that. I have acquaintances and such, but I keep people at pretty arms length, including Ts.

Like I read about people like stalking their Ts in the grocery store and it scares me that I could ever feel THAT close to someone, that I felt I couldn't even approach them. That would be such an awkward boundary for me.

I had a T for three years previously and when I saw him in the grocery store or something I just walked right up to him and said hi, but to be honest I never really let him in, because he was male. So now I have this new T, who is female and I am scared to get close to her, because I am scared I will start acting like some of the things that I see here. And honestly, not to offend anyone, but some of it is just over the top for me.

I am afraid that since I have never let anyone in, that once I do, I will become black and white about it and start to do the things that is explained on the boards. I am very nervous about this.

I try so hard not to read the stuff, because it does make me so anxious, but it's so hard not to. I feel like I'm reading my fate. That I could dive into a therapeutic relationship with someone and in the end it could end up hurting me.

[InTherapy]

You have to keep in mind that this is a self-selecting population. People who are 100% happy and content in therapy, who feel perfectly safe and have a good understanding of boundaries, are NOT posting here. You never see those people, because they don't need support.

[critterlady]

Don't forget that the vast majority of people in therapy do not post here. Those of us who do are probably not a representative sample.

[CantExplain]

Therapy is a scary process. It's the bravest thing I've ever done.

[purplelephant]

I get this making you anxious. It makes me tad anxious because I'm not at the point some people are. I see T once a week and occasionally email her and it's all very casual. But inside I have long craved a deeper relationship with people in a T-ish role (mostly teachers) and so read and posting in these forums is addicting to me. To me it reminds me of how, when a teenage girl is romantically infatuated with some guy she wants to talk about him all the time and read romance novels that relate to her situation and such

This is the only thing to read that relates to my situation :P

And I went for years without that. I thought I was abnormal until this past summer. So it makes me anxious, but at the same time it shows me I'm not a freak for having these feelings in the past and it shows me that if I start to have them more intensely for T, it will be OK at some point.

[sweepy62]

the relationship is so one sided that of course you become curious and there is nothing wrong with that, lol

I don't think any closeness or letting in happens until we're ready for it. No one can force closeness onto you. And this closeness, if it happens, has a purpose in therapy. If you ever decide to get closer to your T, it will probably be a gradual process and you'll go at your own pace. We are in control of who we let in - or not. So try not to worry and just take it all one step at a time.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

You have to keep in mind that this is a self-selecting population. People who are 100% happy and content in therapy, who feel perfectly safe and have a good understanding of boundaries, are NOT posting here. You never see those people, because they don't need support.

I'm happy and content in therapy, feel safe and understand boundaries. I post here to try to get even more out of the experience.

[pbutton]

When I first started reading about transference, one of the first things I found was a post written by someone who wanted to SUI in his therapist's living room. I FREAKED. I went from feeling a little too obsessive to OMG I AM GOING TO WANT TO SUI IN HIS LIVING ROOM!! THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! ACK! WORRY WORRY WORRY!! It is funny now, but it DEFINITELY wasn't funny at the time.

I do see things here that bother me as well. I figure it is often because I'm being pinched right in the center of my overgrown dismissive avoidance. Not always, but some of the time. It doesn't bother me like it used to. I do back out of threads that squick me out.

Originally Posted by InTherapy

You have to keep in mind that this is a self-selecting population. People who are 100% happy and content in therapy, who feel perfectly safe and have a good understanding of boundaries, are NOT posting here. You never see those people, because they don't need support.

Actually, you just described me to a "t" (no pun intended). I post to learn. I post to maybe give support where I can. You will find all kinds of people here, with wide varieties of experiences in therapy. Try not to get too tunnel-visioned into those types of posts that trigger you.

[Silent_tsol]

I've thought that as well. Why on earth should I speak to this woman if there's a chance I'm going to fall in love with her only to run out of money and then for her to move away and refuse phone calls and then retire. BUT I also try to remember that we, as humans are really good at talking really loudly about the bad things we encounter and we are much quieter about the good.

So take a deep breath and say "silent tsol is feeling this but that doesn't mean I am. Right now I'm feeling this and that's what matters in my life". It's like college statistics, some people get A's, some people go out and drink all the time, some people drop out. Depending on what type of forum you visit, you would see a lot of one situation happening and it might seem like if you go to college you might eventually get A's because that's what everyone else is talking about happening

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

You have to keep in mind that this is a self-selecting population. People who are 100% happy and content in therapy, who feel perfectly safe and have a good understanding of boundaries, are NOT posting here. You never see those people, because they don't need support.

I feel very happy and content with my therapy, I feel safe, and I understand boundaries (although I'm still working on holding firm and not letting others encroach on my boundaries). There are many reasons people post here. I post to share my experience, hear other people's experiences, get insight from people about my and other posters' therapy, give support, and learn learn learn. I have also made friends. Sometimes I need support too--people here are very generous with their support. It's a real community.

LydiaB, just because some threads describe the type of relationship you would not like to have with your T doesn't mean that will come to pass. There are many different sorts of relationships with Ts described on this board. Look for those that sound like what you want. Reading the others can be useful too--they can help you identify the direction you don't want your therapy to go in. FWIW, you can definitely be close to your T without stalking him/her in the grocery store!

Good luck.

Originally Posted by sunrise

I feel very happy and content with my therapy, I feel safe, and I understand boundaries (although I'm still working on holding firm and not letting others encroach on my boundaries). There are many reasons people post here. I post to share my experience, hear other people's experiences, get insight from people about my and other posters' therapy, give support, and learn learn learn. I have also made friends. Sometimes I need support too--people here are very generous with their support. It's a real community.

LydiaB, just because some threads describe the type of relationship you would not like to have with your T doesn't mean that will come to pass. There are many different sorts of relationships with Ts described on this board. Look for those that sound like what you want. Reading the others can be useful too--they can help you identify the direction you don't want your therapy to go in. FWIW, you can definitely be close to your T without stalking him/her in the grocery store!

Good luck.

I'm with sunrise. I am 100% happy and content with my therapy relationship, I learned a couple of years ago to put up boundaries and respect those of my T (and others), and I still sometimes appreciate support. No one person, such as a T, can be a sole source of support. It's healthy to reach out to others, whether here or among friends. I also feel as though I've had several therapy experiences, including one very bad one (which I've only recently completely worked through--thanks to everyone for support on that), that allows me to hopefully give support to others.

On this board I see a range of experiences, personalities, and time in therapy. In fact, that's one of the things that I really like about it. It's not all people who are new to therapy or those who have been in therapy for years and years. It's a mix and great to see the peace and wisdom that one can gain from hard work and time. I'd say that one common denominator is that people here are reflective about their therapy and therapy relationships. Everyone here is trying really hard in therapy to work on themselves and are often curious about their relationship with their T. What we're doing is so hard and perhaps some people exhibit behavior that can be perceived as scary, but it's all part of a process and each person will react to different situations differently. Fearing a response makes you fixate on it and actually makes it more likely to happen.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I try so hard not to read the stuff, because it does make me so anxious, but it's so hard not to. I feel like I'm reading my fate. That I could dive into a therapeutic relationship with someone and in the end it could end up hurting me.

Getting attached to anyone could end up hurting you, unless you magically die in your sleep together or something. In therapy, you learn to navigate little hurts together so bigger hurts just aren't as scary any more. And life (or death) becomes an adventure to be faced, not avoided, whether together or alone.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

People tend to ask for support when they are upset, and so what I think you see on this board most is the kind of events (mostly with T's, but sometimes involving other people) that push people's buttons.

I've had numerous T's and none of them have followed the pattern that you are worried about. They have all been helpful and supportive to me at various points in my life. I've felt safe and secure in all of them, including times when I had fleeting attractions or fantasies, but those ended up not really going anywhere. So it's possible to have transference like feelings for your T's without them going anywhere or even becoming an important force in the T. As others have said on this thread, there are a wide range of experiences here and only some of them fit the model that you are concerned about.

After all, it really wouldn't make much sense for me to post "I am NOT having strong feelings for my T in the romantic or unboundaried way that others have them"!! First of all, such a post wouldn't be useful for me, it would make me seem like a tool, and it wouldn't do much for the community unless it would help for others to unite in what a tool I am.

[WikidPissah]

I think if you read ALL of the threads that you will find a great many posters who have achieved a balance of trust and attachment. Personally I struggle with attachment like you do, I don't open up like I should. I think that is as big a negative as over attachment.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by hankster

Getting attached to anyone could end up hurting you, unless you magically die in your sleep together or something. In therapy, you learn to navigate little hurts together so bigger hurts just aren't as scary any more. And life (or death) becomes an adventure to be faced, not avoided, whether together or alone.

you always have such wise words hankster!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

You have to keep in mind that this is a self-selecting population. People who are 100% happy and content in therapy, who feel perfectly safe and have a good understanding of boundaries, are NOT posting here. You never see those people, because they don't need support.

I do too post here!!!

[blur]

many of the people currently posting in this forum have a particular diagnosis. they seem to have certain struggles with therapy that others may not. (that is an observation and not a criticism).

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

After all, it really wouldn't make much sense for me to post "I am NOT having strong feelings for my T in the romantic or unboundaried way that others have them"!! First of all, such a post wouldn't be useful for me, it would make me seem like a tool, and it wouldn't do much for the community unless it would help for others to unite in what a tool I am.

Favorite freaking post of the day. I really laughed at this one.

[InTherapy]

Ok, ok, I suck, sorry!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

Ok, ok, I suck, sorry!

No, I'm pretty sure you're right. There are some people 100% happy in therapy here. But most of us are off our rockers.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by struggling2

you always have such wise words hankster!

struggling, I appreciate that so much. sometimes I have a very clear picture in my mind of what I want to communicate, this was one of those rare times. the rest of the time, idk wth i'm saying.

thank you everyone for your responses... I think I will just move slowly... and cautiously.