recently, i stopped seeing my T of 9-10 or so months because i was not seeing progress and, in retrospect, some of the advice had been questionable.

in my final session, it was revealed that there is no cure for my major issues. i worked on these issues a lot and that's one of the reasons for my ultimate frustration with therapy - no progress.

in retrospect, i wonder if the T would have been better off working on issues where i could have made progress, e.g., changing careers, getting retrained for a career that made more money. helping me with things that could actually have made my life more bearable. at least then, there would have been progress for the better. instead, though i worked hard, i feel there was nothing gained.

comments? has anyone had results seeing a personal coach rather than a T? ideas?

[CantExplain]

Are you sure they said there was no cure?

SPECULATION

I think you said one of the things that makes you unhappy is being gay. I can imagine a therapist saying there is "no cure for being gay." But there therapist should also have said, there's no reason why you should continue being unhappy about being gay.

Is it possible that you heard "there is no cure" when T really meant "I can help you to accept who you are"?

Could it be that you don't believe you can reach acceptance or that you don't want to reach acceptance, and hence you felt that T had no help to offer?

actually, the T said there was no cure for the childhood neglect / lack of nuturing I received as a child. it's one of the reasons why I do not desire intimacy or seem to enjoy it much. it all reflects back to my rejection and the unending emotional coldness by my mother. intimacy reminds me of that hurt and the hurt undermines intimacy because my basic childhood needs of love, affection and closeness were never met. so, intimacy just makes me . . . sad. it was something that I was never taught. instead, i learned isolation and coldness. being gay just complicates things.

[BonnieJean]

uhg - i'm sad that you went through that. it wasn't fair to you. you cant go back and change what happened, no. But a therapist can help you reexperience, reframe, see patterns, mourn for what you didn't have, accept parts of it as being awful and then, gently and with empathy help you heal. it can be a long, painful process. i'm in the midst of it now. this time i'm not entirely alone in it. maybe you can explore a different type of therapist. seems like a life coach would not get the the root of the hard issues...

[Honeybun]

Sorry for what you experienced as a child. I know how painful it is to live with the aftermath as I too did not receive love or nurturance and experienced much abuse. I agree though that you can heal these wounds with the right therapist. I am working on this and it is a very slow and painful journey. My T told me to expect up to 10 years. I hope you can find a good therapist to help you work on your healing.

[critterlady]

No, there's no cure for childhood neglect. It happened and no amount of therapy can change that.

However, a skilled psychodynamic therapist can help you work the after effects of the neglect. Through your relationship with a T, you can learn emotional intimacy and trust in relationships. He or she can work with the transference to achieve that.

If your T isn't psychodynamic, you might want to consider switching to a new t for future therapy

[roads]

I think Life Coaches might in fact work more on the sort of specific problems (like getting that job) that have been pretty much ignored in your therapy. Here are a few links that look helpful to me:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Life-Coach...rapy&id=291866

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/workl...ref=newssearch

http://www.lifecoachingbyeileenlang....slifecoach.htm

I hope this is helpful. I hated the feeling that I'd done you so wrong, cuz I likes ya so much ...

Roadie

[unaluna]

mcl is seeing a life coach, she's posted about it and seems pretty happy about it.

Originally Posted by critterlady

No, there's no cure for childhood neglect. It happened and no amount of therapy can change that.

However, a skilled psychodynamic therapist can help you work the after effects of the neglect. Through your relationship with a T, you can learn emotional intimacy and trust in relationships. He or she can work with the transference to achieve that.

If your T isn't psychodynamic, you might want to consider switching to a new t for future therapy

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have done better in psychodynamic therapy than in other modalities. However, the progress is emotionally painful and very slow. The slowness is very frustrating. I could have bought a house with all the money I spent on therapy. And, I have nothing to show for it.

I am trying to force myself to take action against former employers who have abused me. Emotionally, this is also very difficult. I just seem to have a lifelong pattern of avoidance because I never learned how to deal with adversity very well.

I have seen career coaches before - also with very lackluster results. I am 54 now. Ten years of therapy to cure my ills will be too late. And, no one really wants to hire me either. So, I am not sure a career coach is the way to go. I know that I certainly don't want to date anyone. It's clear that I need help but I don't know who or what to turn to. I am hanging on by a thread.

sigh.... yeah, I hear ya on this. No cure for neglect/unhappy childhood? I wanted to believe there was if I worked very very hard I could find a safe "father figure" in my therapist. But it's dangerous. (Did you have transference too?) My T left me recently when I became suicidal and how helpful was that?? LOL... (we're considering re-starting again though). My T knows about my childhood but maybe I should specifically have asked that question: "can we work on this? and what would that work look like?" I don't know what psychodynamic therapy is. I'll look it up. But okay say it does take ten years. Wouldn't it be worth it? Why not? You deserve to be happy.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

comments? has anyone had results seeing a personal coach rather than a T? ideas?

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

I have seen career coaches before - also with very lackluster results. I am 54 now. Ten years of therapy to cure my ills will be too late. And, no one really wants to hire me either. So, I am not sure a career coach is the way to go. I know that I certainly don't want to date anyone. It's clear that I need help but I don't know who or what to turn to. I am hanging on by a thread.

54 is not to old to start again....55 would be worse, 56 even more so, 57 more than that, 58... You see where I am going? The time to reach out is now. You ARE worth it. It is so easy to see how deep your depression is, my heart aches for you. Please don't watch the years go by feeling this unhelpable. A different T may make the difference, a different life coach may too. Don't give up unhappyguy!

[Sannah]

You have already gotten a lot of good answers.

I would only start working with someone who could get me somewhere. Believing in the results in imperative. Of course there is a cure for you! I worked through my neglect and my life is really good right now.

How about a career coach plus a new T? I would interview T's until I found a positive one who knew how to heal someone. Therapy seemed to have started in NY and everyone there seems to be stuck a few decades back while the rest of the country is onto the latest stuff. It reminds me of mediterranean wine (which I dislike). Wine started in that area and other areas of the world like California, Chile, Argentina, South Africa and Australia are onto the latest and better things with winemaking. I love the wine from these areas.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((( unhappy guy ))))))))))))

"no cure" and "no progress" are two very different things.

would yr T (or former T) agree on " no progress " ?

positive and productive lives are led by a lot of people who have some condition that will never be over with. Please don't sell yourself short.

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

actually, the T said there was no cure for the childhood neglect / lack of nuturing I received as a child. it's one of the reasons why I do not desire intimacy or seem to enjoy it much. it all reflects back to my rejection and the unending emotional coldness by my mother. intimacy reminds me of that hurt and the hurt undermines intimacy because my basic childhood needs of love, affection and closeness were never met. so, intimacy just makes me . . . sad. it was something that I was never taught. instead, i learned isolation and coldness. being gay just complicates things.

It's true that that time is gone and you can't go back and live it a different way. Neither can I. But you have an understanding of why you have problems with intimacy today - I believe that can be worked through and you can learn to develop and accept intimacy now.

I'm more than a dozen years older than you are, and I'm doing it! Hard work - intimacy feels suffocating - but it's do-able. Please don't give up! You already have insight, and that's a big step. Maybe you should search around and "interview" some other T's.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by hankster

mcl is seeing a life coach, she's posted about it and seems pretty happy about it.

Yep....it's the THING for me. Hasn't always been, but it is now. I spent a lot of time in Jungian therapy, and that was a very "depth" kind of thing, which was the right tool for that job....back then!

I am NOT a fan of the traditional "analytical" therapies. They feel stark and depressing to me, at this point in my life. Because I suffer from depression, I need something action-oriented. If I bog down....I'm done for. I believe that psychodynamic "analytical" approaches just are too risky for me, given my history of a violent family and current family of origin stresses.

Life coaching is me, the coach and my goals and wishes and dreams. and guess what? they're coming true!

I deal very little at this point in my life with my family history, because it's just too effing depressing, and that's where most "analysts" live. After picking those scabs for years, and dealing with the suicidal ideation that came in the wake of this kind of "work" I refuse to try that approach again. If it works for others, great. Please refrain from attacking me about this choice and telling me that I need to "get to the root of the problems." I did. Nothing changed. I understood the "dynamics". Nothing changed. I paid each week. Nothing change. I went for years...well, you get the picture.

Now I have a life coach. I go every week and we decide what I am going to do about it all. Things are changing so fast that it scares me.

There is another way.

[critterlady]

Hey, in 10 more years, you're still going to be 10 years older, with or without additional improvement.

I'm in my 50s and am currently in the process of completely changing my career. Even if I only have a few years to actaully do the different thing, it's still better than doing what I hate for those years.

I've also just started therapy in the last year to deal with issues that date back more than 40 years. Again, I figure in 10 years, I'm still going to be 10 years older and I might as well get there knowing I've done all I can to be a healthy happy person in her 60s.

thanks, everyone. i appreciate your input.

i guess my #1 goal is to find a job as soon as possible. that will certainly improve my mood and give me a better outlook. for that, i will probably have to file complaints against two prior employers at whose offices i developed PTSD from harassment. today, i will email a career counselor to ask if he thinks he can help me. also, i have been contacted (a follow up call) by a counselor in a government office who has asked me to meet with her on wednesday about job hunting strategies. i will go. my SSDI application is still pending. the psych counselor i met at SSDI suggested that i fight my former employers who are giving me bad references (which, btw, is illegal). for some reason, i dread the battle. sitting down to write these complaints is very difficult. i am not sure why.

maybe, if i get a good paying job, i can resume therapy sessions. i don't know. my mind is all over the place and i am having trouble remembering what i'm doing from one minute to the next. it's very scary.

though i went to therapy diligently, i guess i was misleading myself that i would actually get better. there are so many things i need to work on. where to begin? i don't know. after a while, the T's insights for improving my life because fewer and fewer. my confidence is very low at the moment. i have an interview tomorrow to add some more volunteer work to my agenda. i figured it might help. it involves standing, which is a problem because of my bad feet. but, i like dealing with the public in short transactions. mentally, i don't have the focus to deal with long-term projects especially when there are more than one. my current mental state is very scary. also, i have taken out some old self-help books. i guess it can't hurt to read up on my issues. will i remember any of it? probably not.

socially, i am more isolated that ever. i am fearful of going to the gym or getting the mail or going to a bar. i don't understand why i am so frightened. i just am. chalk it up to bad experiences, i guess. i went into a bar a few days ago and could not bring myself to stay. i didn't feel like pretending to be happy and well-adjusted. for me, it's no fun. i had no idea what to talk about either. i guess i go to therapy because the only people i feel safe talking to are Ts. all i seem to thing about are my problems.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

thanks, everyone. i appreciate your input.

i guess my #1 goal is to find a job as soon as possible. that will certainly improve my mood and give me a better outlook. for that, i will probably have to file complaints against two prior employers at whose offices i developed PTSD from harassment. today, i will email a career counselor to ask if he thinks he can help me. also, i have been contacted (a follow up call) by a counselor in a government office who has asked me to meet with her on wednesday about job hunting strategies. i will go. my SSDI application is still pending. the psych counselor i met at SSDI suggested that i fight my former employers who are giving me bad references (which, btw, is illegal). for some reason, i dread the battle. sitting down to write these complaints is very difficult. i am not sure why.

maybe, if i get a good paying job, i can resume therapy sessions. i don't know. my mind is all over the place and i am having trouble remembering what i'm doing from one minute to the next. it's very scary.

though i went to therapy diligently, i guess i was misleading myself that i would actually get better. there are so many things i need to work on. where to begin? i don't know. after a while, the T's insights for improving my life because fewer and fewer. my confidence is very low at the moment. i have an interview tomorrow to add some more volunteer work to my agenda. i figured it might help. it involves standing, which is a problem because of my bad feet. but, i like dealing with the public in short transactions. mentally, i don't have the focus to deal with long-term projects especially when there are more than one. my current mental state is very scary. also, i have taken out some old self-help books. i guess it can't hurt to read up on my issues. will i remember any of it? probably not.

socially, i am more isolated that ever. i am fearful of going to the gym or getting the mail or going to a bar. i don't understand why i am so frightened. i just am. chalk it up to bad experiences, i guess. i went into a bar a few days ago and could not bring myself to stay. i didn't feel like pretending to be happy and well-adjusted. for me, it's no fun. i had no idea what to talk about either. i guess i go to therapy because the only people i feel safe talking to are Ts. all i seem to thing about are my problems.

I'm glad you're posting here again. I have missed you in the interim.

I am a pretty up-ful person, and hate bars....they're often depressing places, where people imbibe in... depressants.

I know you're not asking for advice, per se, but I would say that I love your idea of volunteer work. My last THREE paying jobs came in the places where I volunteered! So..I think that not only could that get you "out and about" but you may find yourself working for paid employment in a place where you volunteered.

Keep posting...I'm in your corner...

MCL

[Freefall1974]

Hi unhappyguy. You sound a little better. I would like to add that I DO believe you CAN recover from childhood neglect/abuse. No- I KNOW you can recover. I lived most of my adult life trying to figure out a way to not live. I didn't want to end my life but I sure didn't want to continue it. And being gay did not help that at all. Thankfully I found a great T that has worked with me specifically on FOO issues. It was difficult to say the least but I no longer want to end my life. And I am OK with the gay thing. I don't date still. I have some intimacy issues. I don't go to bars as there are not any gay bars where I live. Nowadays it is hard to sometimes tell who is straight or gay. And I am seeing an attitude of "who cares"? I spent lots of years caring. I hope you get the opportunity to go back into therapy. Peace.