[jenluv]

(and mods, feel free to move this to that forum if you need to)

But holy cow T1 is a good-looking man!

He actually has a kind of funny-looking face, but he is an ultra-athlete and has that slim fitness about him.

When I see the veins on his forearms I store the mental picture away for later. I can't feel attracted to him during the session (besides, he might take hugs away), but afterwards I can find him attractive. Make sense?

[unaluna]

um, newsflash - the only person we're hiding our feelings from is ourselves? I think our T's took it into consideration when they decided to hug or not to hug, what our motivation was - and found it to be relatively "pure", ie, more focused on the therapy. like the attachmentgirl's blog that was linked to in romantic feelings? the difference between erotic and eroticized transference - when it's erotic, it's still therapy. when it's eroticized, it's like therapy-interfering behavior, to bring DBT into the mix! Only your hairdresser knows for sure My T's hands are like my dad's hands, and that gives me all kinds of uh... positive (yeah, that's the ticket!) feelings. So far, I've stayed away from them, ie, the feelings! but it might be getting time to deal. I wonder if positive feelings are harder to deal with than negative ones? my mother was always so crabby with me, but a couple of times (literally like twice) she said, you don't know what's in my heart. so if there was love or anything positive in there for me, she had a verrrry hard time dealing with it, cos I sure as heck never saw it. I only see disappointment. me, can you frickin believe it? me? we should enjoy all the hugs we get, we DESERVE them. sorry for the long post, if I ever do write a novel, i'll have to call it hijack!

[kirbydog156]

In my very recent experience, expressing my attraction to and deep love and connection that I feel for T has only enhanced the level of intimacy and trust in our relationship, and has enabled me to have the safety to dive right into the deep end. Very empowering, once I was able to move past the neediness and overwhelming desire. My T is also extremely handsome and also brilliant and sensitive. Lethal combo for me, but I think I'm moving through it, this week anyway!

[jenluv]

Aw, hankster, you crack me up! And you can hijack ANY day.

Yeah, you're right. Newsflash! Ha ha!

See, I asked him for a hug during our third session or so back in February. I actually ended up sobbing into his shoulder, and when I tried to pull away for fear of overstaying my welcome he grabbed me tighter and started crying himself.

Every since then he gives me a hug goodbye.

A few sessions ago we were talking about my father's physical abuse (just a few times of abuse, but boy howdy!) . . . anyway . . . I told T that sometimes I was afraid of him physically. He gave me a questioning look so I clarified further -- "Not sexually. I'm not afraid of you sexually. But physically I have little moments of fear of abuse from you." He said, "Not sexually? Huh." And there are a million reasons he could have said that -- but likely the reason is that I've had much, much more CSA and SA than physical abuse in my life.

So I've been thinking about that one for a while now. Why not sexually fearful of T? And I think it's for two reasons (that I know of anyway). One, he has made it very, very, very, very clear that he would never respond to me in a sexual way -- and that makes me feel much safer knowing that. But two, if he ever did respond to me in a sexual way I don't think I'd be afraid. *wink* Sure, it would ruin therapy and eff with my head and, and, and . . . but I wouldn't be afraid.

[jenluv]

Kirby -- how did T respond to you? What did you say to him? How is it you feel you are moving through/past it?

The topic fascinates me and I feel like I'm going to have to 'fess up before all this is over. Part of me would like to work through it on my own and then be able to say, "You know -- I once found you very attractive . . ."

[unaluna]

thanks jenluv! but from what you said now, I wonder if part of the reason we're not REALLY attracted is because they are so safe? which is messed up, but our T's know they can handle it, like good dads, and they are actually looking forward to the day we do have some feelings towards good guys for a change. hmm.

p.s. isn't their shoulder the best place to cry? love it!

[kirbydog156]

Originally Posted by jenluv

Kirby -- how did T respond to you? What did you say to him? How is it you feel you are moving through/past it?

The topic fascinates me and I feel like I'm going to have to 'fess up before all this is over. Part of me would like to work through it on my own and then be able to say, "You know -- I once found you very attractive . . ."

Jenluv, I pretty much just came out with it. I started by saying that i"m having a lot of feelings that are confusing me and need help sorting them out. Then proceeded to say that I have strong romantic feelings for him. His response was, "oh?" which for some reason drove me to hysterical laughter. It's been going on and being talked about for months now in bits and pieces. I finally realized why, that I've never had an emotionally intimate relationship with a man that didn't involve sex. That it's not just sexual fantasy I feel, but love. I don't really know if he shares those feelings for me (attraction) but I do know that he loves me. Wish we could hug but it's probably best for me that we don't (don't want to grab him or anything!) The point is Jenluv, you are in therapy and everything that's going on for you should be able to be discussed. Your T could probably help you gain insight on why it's happening. It must happen all the time with them. I finally have been able to separate that it's okay to have feelings of love for him, and that's a good thing, and the person to focus my sexual energy on is my husband.

[jenluv]

Kirby -- I'm totally with you on the intimate relationship that doesn't involve sex. That has been my experience as well. That's a great point, and good way to explore it. I, too, focus my sexual energy on my husband.

T is still young-ish. Still just a few years out from grad school. And I know that he, personally, has struggled with sexual issues. I think that's why my pastor recommended him to me -- because he could help me with my own sexual identity and image that has been so effed up. So, might as well dive in, right? Yeah, I'll try to do that. Prayers for cajones on Wednesday.

[WikidPissah]

Please excuse my gut reaction...(not judging you)

Originally Posted by jenluv

See, I asked him for a hug during our third session or so back in February. I actually ended up sobbing into his shoulder, and when I tried to pull away for fear of overstaying my welcome he grabbed me tighter and started crying himself.

WTF!! That would put me directly into RUN WIKI RUN! lol sheesh!

Ok. done. This stuff fascinates me because I am so "asexual"...lol. I had a sex dream about T once and I was so freaked out for days. I have never looked at a T that way. I ain't dead, when I watch criminal minds Sherman Moore lights my fire. But no real person (sorry h)...lol.

[TinaL]

I can't say I have sexual fantasies or that I even sexually am attracted to T. I think as humans it's normal to look at certain attributes. But that's looking. I have 'different' thoughts about T some days.

Years a go I had a T that I got hugs sometimes and a lot of positive reinforcement. I once told him that I loved him. I hated myself for letting him know. At the time I thought I did not deserve to love anyone.

He was accepting that I loved him. He never told me back (of course) I remember asking him face to face, if I would ever, ever, ever have a chance of being in a relationship with him?

He said no, never. I cried so hard that day. But he and I worked many yrs together. He was the best T I ever had.

[WikidPissah]

oh dear. I have to explain. Sometimes when I look at H I get overwhelming feelings of love and peace. I am so very thankful to have him in my life. I love to cuddle and hold hands with him. But it isn't a sexual attraction.

oh gawd...I am just making myself look worse. Sorry for the hijack.

[unaluna]

is this what a GOOD brother-sister r/s would be like?

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

oh dear. I have to explain. Sometimes when I look at H I get overwhelming feelings of love and peace. I am so very thankful to have him in my life. I love to cuddle and hold hands with him. But it isn't a sexual attraction.

oh gawd...I am just making myself look worse. Sorry for the hijack.

I sooo get this. You are a) not alone and b) not weird. (not saying my situation's identical but I totally relate to this)

[jenluv]

WP-- I completely understand where you arecoming from. If I didn't feel somewhat attractive (sexually powerful) I would be scared to ****ing death. In fact, I doubt I would have let myself notice my attraction to him. Lots and lots of grist for the mill in this topic.

[jenluv]

Hit post too soon.

Per my usual pattern, I would feel like a worthy person -- someone who mattered -- if he would say he found me attractive. He probably understands this and would work with it. It's interesting though -- my assumption is that a man I am close to either wants to screw me or beat me. That sounds like a good therapy topic right there.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

oh dear. I have to explain. Sometimes when I look at H I get overwhelming feelings of love and peace. I am so very thankful to have him in my life. I love to cuddle and hold hands with him. But it isn't a sexual attraction.

I completely get that. Even with my previous T, who my friends called Hot Therapist (HT for short), I couldn't imagine being sexual with him. I had very, very strong feelings for him, but they weren't sexual. I have the same thing with my current T, who is not as physically attractive as HT, but to whom I am far closer.

I find it difficult to characterize my feelings for him, really. Love, respect, intimacy, gratitude, a little fear, and a bunch of other things I don't even have words for all come into it. I'm drawn to him and want to spend time with him, but I don't have erotic fantasies about him. It's just a unique relationship.