Would a T. ask you if you were rap*d without you bringing it up first?

*******Triggering for mention of rape and sexual abuse*************

I don't know exactly how many sessions I had with my new T. so far, but I would guess around 6 or 7 (one session per week). I have talked about my history of childhood physical abuse from the very first session and my T. is the one who prompted me to talk about it by asking specific questions. I was relieved that he asked because I'm not one to volunteer information without being asked.

I have been in therapy 5 other times before and I have never been able to disclose having been raped at age 12 and then again at age 24 (I find it hard to even write it). Needlessly to say, therapy never worked for me before, not because my Ts were bad but because I could not open up, not even after months of seeing them. I have had both female and male Ts and it made no difference.

I don't want to repeat my history with therapy, a history in which I dance around the subject (mostly in ways that Ts can't even pick up on) and never ever say the words, never talk about the trauma, never have a dialogue with anyone other than myself about it. I want things to be different with this T. I want to be different and give myself a fighting chance at recovery. I know that I deserve a fighting chance.

The problem is, I am not able to vocalize what happened to me. Every time I go in for a session, I tell myself that this time I'm going to be brave and say it or at least hint at it or something. It does not happen. All my good intentions go out the window. Instead, I look down at my therapist's shoes and give him filtered answers.

I know some people write things to their therapists that they are not able to vocalize, but I could not. The idea of handing him a piece of paper with the words, "I have been r....," or writing it on an email is just as painful as the thought of saying the words.

I wish he would just ask me about it like he did for the physical abuse. Why he asked about the physical abuse I suffered from my parents, even in details, such as, "Did he punch you? Where? Did you have bruises? Where?" but he does not ask if I was ever raped or sexually abused?

If the idea is that I should be the one who brings it up and I should be the one who vocalizes it first, then he should not have asked me about being physically abused either because had he not, I would not have talked about that either. He made it easier for me to open up because he asked.

I guess my question is, have you ever been asked by a T. if something had happened to you without you bringing up the subject first?

I'm waiting for him to ask and I'm scared that he won't.

Could you try opening a discussion by telling him there's something that you have a REALLY hard time talking about & that you wish he would ask you about it first? That might be a roundabout way to get the discussion going.

My 2nd T asked me about physical abuse once, but it was in response to something he witnessed me react to in a group therapy setting. It really wasn't a question out of the blue; there was a specific clue that led him there. But I remember feeling like he was asking me out of the blue; but really, it wasn't. I would suspect your T's questions about physical abuse were also prompted by something he observed in you whether you realize what it was or not.

My current T has asked some very specific questions about my sexual abuse that again seemed out of the blue, but in retrospect it was clear that he had picked up on something that led him to those questions that I didn't even realize I was doing.

If you aren't giving off those signals/clues in some way consciously or unconsciously, they aren't there for him to pick up on. If this is something you need to discuss, you are going to have to find a way to unbury it enough to put it on his radar.

Perhaps as your T gets to know you and your history and tendencies better he will pick up on things, but the bottom line is that if this is an issue you know you need to talk about, you are going to have to find some way to communicate that to him. Like pbutton said, you could simply say there is something about your past you need to talk about but you are hesitant to do so and see where that takes you. Is there a photograph of you around that time that could spark discussion along that era in your life? Do you draw? It is so hard to say those words the first time, but once you do they are finally out there and honestly there is a bit of relief that the secret is finally shared with at least one other person.

Good luck with this. I think we can all relate to the fears and avoidance and hesitation that go along with those secrets we have held for so long.

i was asked once, years ago (i wasn't though so i thought it was an extra strange question). but i don't think it's the done thing. if your t hasn't asked yet then i doubt he will. but i agree with pbutton, that's a good idea- he'll probably understand what you're getting at and at least talk to you about why it's so difficult for you to say.

Hi mswinter,

I had the very same problem when I first began therapy, only not in relation to rape but other forms of sexual abuse. My therapist directly asked me, "did your sister ever touch you inappropriately?". I almost peed myself. However, this was after a few sessions of dancing around the fact that my sister had always been unkind to me and that the things she did to me were very unfair and had significantly changed my life. Even after she knew, it took me a long time to be able to really talk about it, but she was there to support me and to challenge me.

If you're unsure that you could bring it up directly (which, by the way, is completely understandable), you could say something like, "I know we've discussed physical abuse, but I have also suffered abuse in other forms and it's very difficult for me to discuss." Or, like Pbutton said, you could bring up that there's something important but very difficult that you need him to help you communicate to him.

Good luck to you!! You can do it!! You have already been so smart and brave to seek therapy. <3

I also had been in therapy a few times before without ever being able to disclose my CSA and I also want this time to be different. I used the "I have something I need to tell you, but it's very difficult and I don't really know how" approach and T gently helped me through it. He didn't ask specific questions to pull it out of me, but once I told him it had happened, he did ask questions about the abuser.

He has never asked specific questions about the abuse itself, though. He knows that it's still too difficult for me to talk about it and he doesn't want the discussion to be traumatizing to me.

When I told him about the physical abuse (6 months into therapy), he asked very specific questions, similar to what yours asked you. I'm actually curious about why he took that approach for the physical abuse, but not for the sexual abuse.

My T after bringing me in for an "emergency" appointment finally came right out and asked if there was abuse and what kind in my past. This was about two months in to thearpy with him and my first time in thearpy altogether. I would suggest if you can't get the specific words out, to at least say something along the lines of.. I need to tell you something, but am having a hard time finding the words, or something like that. (((hugs))))

By any chance could you send what you posted, copy it, and print it; then actually mail it to your T? That might help get the ball rolling in a more positive direction....It is just a thought.

Yes, I've done this.

"I've got something very important I want to talk about but it's really painful and I don't know where to begin."

My old T asked on several occasions if I had ever been CSA ,because he said I had a lot of "symptoms" of it. But it was just the other kinds.

For me, I never told anyone what had happened and pretty much denied it to myself for a couple of years. When (of course) issues surrounding it started affecting me again, I called my T and left her a message saying that something was really upsetting me and I didn't know how to talk about it. She called back to help calm me down, but we didn't address the topic till we were face-to-face in session. At the next session, she was then able to ask a few questions and kind of let me lead. It pretty much ended up being me staring at the floor or my hands and going through what had happened. She had a few things here and there to say and was overall so wonderful about it. It seemed so freakin' hard to bring up, but I was (and am) so glad that I did. Just telling her was such a relief. We actually didn't deal with it much after that, because it wasn't the most pressing issue for me, but it was nice that the secret wasn't weighing me down anymore. I agree that just mentioning there's something on your mind and that it's hard to talk about is a good starting place. You can always go at your own pace.

I remember my T asking me (within the first month):
I want to get your history down, would you like to give me an overview or would it be easier for you if I asked questions?

I had him ask the questions, therefore he is the first person to know most of my trauma history.

My T never asked directly.

I managed to tell him that I had something really hard to tell him but that I couldn't say the words. It took a long long time to get it out, finally. Months for the rape, YEARS (literally) for the CSA, but I finally got it out there.

T was gentle, and patient. He didn't make me talk about it before i was ready, but he was open and ready to hear whatever I needed to day. We talked about talking about it a LOT. I mean, A LOT. And somehow, talking about talking about it finally led to me saying it.

I didn't use the real words for anything at first. I said things like "he made me do something I didn't want to do". And it was okay. T "knew" and he didn't push it. It's STILL hard to say the words and I'm done with therapy! But the story is out there, the words have been said, and I'm not alone with it anymore, and it feels SO much better.
to you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking this question! I'm in a similar situation (new therapist and I am really uncomfortable putting this out there; I also wouldn't have talked about the physical stuff without having been asked), so this is really helpful for me, too.

My T and I were discussing something once and ended up on the subject of my first sexual experience. Even now, I'm not sure how that happened. In any event, I just sort of described the event in general terms. I had never been drunk or had more than a few sips of an alcohol beverage. He took me to a party and brought me drinks, etc. When I was done with just the general overview, my T asked what I did after he raped me. I had NEVER used the word rape. I still have trouble with it and can feel my heart racing just typing it.

My T did say that he's fairly careful about asking question about childhood sexual abuse and rape. He says too direct of a question about sexual matters in particular (as opposed to 'just' physical abuse) can be very re-traumatizing to the client.

I don't think many will flat-out ask you about it.. but every T is different, I guess! Ex-T never questioned me about any abuse, we just worked with other issues (I have a lot to choose from, unfortunately ) for several sessions. After we danced around those current issues for a while and built up a bit of trust, I took a leap of faith and wrote down a lot of information about my history to give to her. I knew there was no way I could bring it up in conversation - and I'd probably have resisted had she questioned me and put me on the spot - so writing seemed like the best (initial) option at the time to get it out in the open. Once she read it, she thanked me for opening up, and said that I'd confirmed a lot of her suspicions/what she'd been wondering about..

Given that experience, I'd imagine your T may well be wondering if anything has happened to you, but I think it's important to a lot of them that you initiate the conversation on that topic and take the lead - as MKAC said, they don't want to re-traumatize you or push you so hard you clam up on them.

Be brave, mswinter! I know you can do it, I'm sure of it! The others have given you some great ideas of how to approach the subject, but if that's too hard, perhaps you could write it down like I did?! Let us know how it goes!

I have been in counceling alot for a lot of different reasons. I am a very guarded individual. After a year and a 1/2 of counceling I finially brought rape up. My T was floored that she didn't pick on this sooner. She asked what did I want to do with this info. I told her I wanted to tell someone but I couldn't say it. So I wrote what I wanted her to know and brought it w/ me to the next session. She wanted to know then did I want to read it to her. My answer was NO, I CAN'T SAY WHAT IT SAYS. Can I (She) read it to herself. I told her yes. Afterwards she didn't ask me anything about it. She gave me a hug. Then she asked me what I wanted to do with what I had written. I didn't know. I was to upset to know. We ran it threw the shreader as a form of therepy. My story could not haunt me again.
Since then I have had several councelors ask me "Have you been sexually abused at some point in time". The answer is always no. I don't add it was rape. But my current councelor specializes in trauma's. I knew I couldn't say RAPE out loud so I wroth a list of all the things I wanted to talk about over the next few weeks. Kinda a to do list. My councelor was pleased to have a list to see wheat direction I wanted things to go in. Until she get to the part about Rape. Well that explains alot was all she had to say. She wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it. I told her I couldn't. Her responce was if I couldn't then I was not ready to. She said I could write about it, give details what ever. or Not give details. (No one should ever relive that if they choose not to) I could write how I think it has affected my thinking and way of looking at things. I'm still not sure what to do with my own feelings and thoughts on this. The councelor says thats o.k. I'll know when the time is right. I to have only seen my councelor 5 -6 times. As trust build I hope things improve. I also hope as trust builds between your and your T you will feel more safe to talk about this. I hope this has helped you some.

I think therapists don't want to be suggestive. Therapists can sway very vulnerable patients to come up with memories that never happened by asking specific questions. One of the ways I knew to drop my previous therapist was because she was asking very specific questions that I just didn't appreciate. Like "How did he groom you into doing all this stuff" "What do you mean"? "How did he manipulate you not to tell your parents? Most sexual abusers do that". That was really suggestive of her. Now I already know that that happened, but I hadn't told her yet, and had I been a client who hadn't figured that out yet, I would have been talked into thinking he had done that. So I was scared about the future and what she would also tell me by matching me up against "most sexual abuse cases". They shouldn't be suggestive. I never had anyone ever ask me if I was sexually abused as a child, it took me years to tell someone.

I just want to sincerely thank everyone for their feedback. Your replies have been so helpful.

I have thought about it a lot today and I think that I will follow what many of you have suggested and try to say something like, "I have something difficult to share and I don't know how," and see how it goes. My session is on Thursday, so I'll keep you posted.

Thank YOU. I no longer feel like a freak or like the only person who is experiencing these thoughts and emotions.

I'm glad you're going to try and share, MsWinter. I hope your t does a good job helping.

I know I've seen questions about sexual abuse on intake firms at a couple of different t's offices. It made me wonder how many people answer it truthfully. I know I didn't - I hadn't even met the t when filling out forms - no way would I share that info at that point.

Yeah, I can't imagine answering that truthfully and think it's kind of weird that it would be on an intake form. That seems like awfully sensitive information to disclose that way...I wouldn't do it either! (Although, obviously I have trouble disclosing it no matter what...)

When I go inpatient, that is a question they ask very directly. I hate answering the question to people who I don't know, but my pdoc outpatient is also my pdoc inpatient so it would be fruitless to withhold the information. I just keep it very general and refuse to give specifics.