[SoupDragon]

Something my T said last session made me think that either I am a new experience for T (I guess we all are aren't we?), or T is concerned about working with me.

T isn't saying he wants to terminate and I am telling myself he is professional enough to say if he feels out of his depth with me. And there is a bit of me that thinks wow if he is concerned about how I may react going through this stuff, should I be more concerned.

However I was really close to the edge when I started seeing T and maybe therefore it is not unrealistic that T wants to make absolutely sure I am safe when looking at the tough stuff. Also if it is new for him, there has to be a first time for all T's in working through client issues doesn't there, or how do they learn?

So what's more important, T's experience of working through all issues previously with someone, or the closeness in relationship, so I can say "ouch that hurts" openly with T and for T to listen and hear that?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

So what's more important, T's experience of working through all issues previously with someone, or the closeness in relationship[...]?

Maybe it depends on what needs to be worked on.
At one time I would have answered, "relationship" - in fact I did, and spent 4 yrs with someone who was not trained in treatment of trauma.

that ended up going nowhere, and now after 6 months with someone who does specialize in trauma, the difference is like night & day.

you will know whether or not it's working.

I think though everyone comes to therapy with different issues, the underneath effects are the same for us all and a good therapist will work with that.

[missbelle]

Maybe you can be more specific........thanks

[Perna]

Working through issues is not the same as the issues themselves and when they happened; it is not a rehash but an entirely new experience. Because we all are unique in the specifics of our life experiences, my experience of abuse and your experience of abuse are different, even though they were both "abuse". T's, over the years of practice, have become very knowledgeable about working with people who have been abused; they haven't seen "your" abuse because they have not seen you, but they have seen abuse like yours and helped that previous person.

It's like we're all trying to cross a canyon on a rope bridge and T is in charge of helping each person with their fear. You may have a fear of heights, I might have a fear the bridge won't hold me. Different fears but still relevant to crossing a canyon on a rope bridge and my degree of fear might be greater/lesser than the previous person who had a fear the bridge wouldn't hold them and/or I may have that fear but never have a bridge break but some poor person T helped before (to get across THIS bridge) might have had a previous bridge break on them! It is always new for T because it is one-on-one and that's always. . . one-on-one, not able to be duplicated (since apparently there's no such word as duplicatable :-)

I think the "more important" question is apples to oranges; which do you want for yourself and/or why can you not have both?

[anilam]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

So what's more important, T's experience of working through all issues previously with someone, or the closeness in relationship, so I can say "ouch that hurts" openly with T and for T to listen and hear that?

Can't you have both?
Otherwise it's hard to tell and it does kind of depend on the issue you need to work with the T. You don't need an expert in the field but you do need someone who knows what's he doing. For a T to be able to "only" acknowledge that stg was hurtful for you- no, I don't think that's enough.

My T admitted he doesn't know everything and I like that we will figure it out together. He enjoys working with me, as he has told me, because as I learn from him , he also learns from me. I think as clients we are all different. The only expertise he claims is on the therapeutic process. He also admits when he makes mistakes and I've even called him out on a few things. So IMHO, I think a joint effort on healing is better for me then an omnipotent T ... there is no power struggle in our relationship and I like that.

My feeling is that the relationship is more important - as long as you have a good r/s with T and it sounds like you do. It will be difficult, and I'd rather have someone I trusted with me on the journey than someone whose "technique" was good.

Since you're concerned about whether he might feel out of his depth, I'd have that conversation again and ask him to clarify. This is important enough that you need to fully understand where he's coming from so you can make a decision. Any misunderstanding or misinterpretation at this point could be a real problem. It may be as you suggested that he just wants to make sure you're up to this, instead of him questioning his ability to help you.

I've found in my own therapy that sometimes (often?) I need to have conversations with T more than once. It may be because I didn't actually get the words out right, or that I didn't fully "hear" what he was saying. Either way, I tend to misinterpret things so this ensures I get it right.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

S
So what's more important, T's experience of working through all issues previously with someone, or the closeness in relationship, so I can say "ouch that hurts" openly with T and for T to listen and hear that?

I'm with SAWE on this one as I had a T who was out of her element working on issues such as mine though we were really close. I stuck with her because of our connection. In the end (and this really became clear once I was working with a new T who had worked with other people with similar issues to mine), I learned that closeness and connection wasn't enough--in fact, it ended up hurting me bc i was so ready to work on my core issues and her not knowing how made things worse. She was stubborn and kept saying that she knew what she was doing. Yet, I found out 18 mos later that she sought out training during our work and she admitted that "it was too late for us."

I know that it's really hard, but I think that you should have an honest discussion with your T and ask him to self-reflect on whether he can truly help you with your core issues. I firmly believe that it is possible to find a T both with whom you can form a relationship (though this takes time and perhaps trial and error to find the right one) and who is skilled and experienced dealing with particular issues that you have. I know that this is difficult, but I genuinely wish that I'd taken this advice and explored the possibility of switching therapists when I started questioning whether she was the right one for me. It would have saved me from a lot of hurt and not delayed my healing journey by a couple of years (I also had to spend a good deal of my first year with my new T focusing on relationship w/ old T, whom I only stopped seeing because I moved). Good luck!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by anilam

Can't you have both?

you can have both, but the question was not to take one or the other; the question was, which is more important. which would you say, Soup?

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Something my T said last session made me think that either I am a new experience for T (I guess we all are aren't we?), or T is concerned about working with me.

T isn't saying he wants to terminate and I am telling myself he is professional enough to say if he feels out of his depth with me. And there is a bit of me that thinks wow if he is concerned about how I may react going through this stuff, should I be more concerned.

However I was really close to the edge when I started seeing T and maybe therefore it is not unrealistic that T wants to make absolutely sure I am safe when looking at the tough stuff. Also if it is new for him, there has to be a first time for all T's in working through client issues doesn't there, or how do they learn?

So what's more important, T's experience of working through all issues previously with someone, or the closeness in relationship, so I can say "ouch that hurts" openly with T and for T to listen and hear that?

One of the most beautiful, meaningful, healing things my therapist said to me took place early on. She kept asking if our relationship was working for me, and kept asking if I would tell her if something wasn't working - or if there was any kind of problem that I had with anything she did or said. It felt so awkward to me for her to be asking me so directly! And she would qualify it at times by explaining that she's not perfect, and that she is fully capable of making mistakes.

I didn't know what to do with what she was saying.

Then came that huge *moment* when she said "Crescent, I need to know that I can trust you to tell me if something is going wrong with our relationship.. and I can promise you that if you will talk to me about it, we will work it out together."

That statement ultimately defined our therapy, and was the catalyst for my healing and growth. She was true to her word. We worked everything out together. It's been a beautiful experience that has changed my life.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for all your responses. There is a lot for me to think about.

I consistently fail to find the courage to be open with T about things and I am sure if I could be more open then I would benefit more.

And maybe my lack of openness is obvious to T and I guess if T doesn't know exactly what is going on, then it must turn into a guessing game for him.

So I think the answer to my question may become more obvious if I was more honest with T - that's the hard bit though isn't it?

Soup

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thanks for all your responses. There is a lot for me to think about.

I consistently fail to find the courage to be open with T about things and I am sure if I could be more open then I would benefit more.

And maybe my lack of openness is obvious to T and I guess if T doesn't know exactly what is going on, then it must turn into a guessing game for him.

So I think the answer to my question may become more obvious if I was more honest with T - that's the hard bit though isn't it?

Soup

Soup - I am an advocate for being self-protective. Some therapists are genuinely crappy.. I had one of those. So you do have to "test the waters." I recommend saying something like: "I've been thinking that I am not as open with you as I could be. But because of what I came from, I'm not sure I even know how to really be open. I just feel such a need to be very guarded... just not sure how to trust." Then let him respond to that. His response will give you an idea of what his concepts of vulnerability and trust are. The concept is sure worth exploring, and you can do that without opening anything up within yourself.

[Sannah]

We are all different. What might be an issue for one person might not be an issue for another person. You realizing that you need to be more open with your T is spot on. T's have no idea what your issues are until you are open with them.

[WikidPissah]

hey Souper Douper.

I am uncertain about my t's experience in certain area. He talks about his "trauma clients" back in supervision. I know that's what he wanted to do. I sometimes am not sure he can do it with me. But I have a good relationship with him. Going on 2 yrs. Not so much trauma stuff though.