That old recording is trying hard to get back into my head-- the one that says " You're a failure -- just all around good for nothing -- capital L -- loser. " (that recording can be very self-deprecating)

I'm feeling as though I haven't mastered the tricycle yet and my T. is expecting me to hop on a ten-speed and go mountain biking!! When ever he "pushes" me I feel terrified-- but he's never pushed this much before!!!

I also don't want him saying it's me being "resistant" again. It feels like an insult to me when he has said that before-- should it feel like an insult?? would anyone else be insulted if they were told that??
Is it my OCD about striving to be the best at EVERYTHING I do--- that makes that resistant comment get under my skin?? (resistant=not completing task=failure)

I can't take this HUGE step he's wanting me to take!!! I'm so scared! I feel I don't have the skills or confidence that I should have to be where he is wanting me to be!!!! I'll be a failure once again if I can't do this!! What happened to "baby steps"?

Oh.... why did I EVER go back to therapy??? --- ---

mandy

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hang in there..maybe your T will need to slow down or you two may need to come to a middle ground...I would feel insulted but I dont think thats an insult at all...but I too would FEEL that way..if that makes sense

((((MANDY ))))

Sleeps- you are so kind to reply-- you set aside your situation with therapy and respond to me---
I must say you have a very very big heart

I think you're right about slowing down--- the hard part for me is letting him know that!!! If I need to slow down then something in me says I'm not good enough-- but then if I go forward and fall on my face I'm a failure also. hhmmmm....... I've been here before...... wonder if it's common to put one's self in a lose/lose situation?? I'm figuring out I do that A LOT!!

Thanks for your reply Sleeps-- I really appreciate it.

mandy

2b1better,

Maybe you can tell your T a different area you want to work on, such as asserting your voice and learning what feels comfortable to you. Then you can exercise this in the therapy session where you can tell your T how fast or slow is good for you.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

AWW thanks Mandy.. I understand what you mean..once I thought I was doing really well..fast enough deep enough.... Like a dunce I asked my T one day if he thought I wasnt making any progress....he said...Welllll I can't say you arent making *any* implying hardly any....He saw the hurt on my face...So I left hurt he tried to fix it with some words..I dunno what they were now...he even mentioned that session months later ...cause he saw the pain...But ya know I WAS going as FAST and as well as *I* could..I can honestly say that much later and MY best like YOUR best and fastest IS good enough...So.....make sure you do what he sez and all and try ....but your mind will tell you when the speed is NOT safe ..Thats jmo..I am lol obviously no shrink

hugs

[pegasus]

((((((((((( 2b1better ))))))))))

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Learning to ride a bike is blumin hard work! I keep falling off, and wobberling everywhere! But I have come to trust my T in that he will ony push me as far as I can handle. Riding a bike will be easy one day!

The old-tapes and failure-tapes, those tapes are not relavent now. Out of date! Have to keep reminding yourself of that!

Hang in there, tell T if he is going too fast, that does'nt mean you are failing, that means you are looking after yourself.

EV-- I think asserting my voice would be a good thing to work on---- I just wish someone else could tell him that's what I need---- Something always seems to hold me back when considering making a "request"-- it's like I don't have the right to request-- or something like that...

Sleeps-- I can understand how that must have felt hearing that someone else didn't see you doing as "well" as you thought you were. but hey-- good for you inseeing that you WERE doing your best-- and that's what I'm going to have to hold on to-- I'm doing my best (I really am)-- even if it's not at the pace my T. would like to see. ( I do have this horrible fear that he will say --- "If you can't do any better than that... then there's no reason for you to be here" )
You could be a shrink-- -- you are just as good and even better than a lot of them, I bet!!!

Pegasus-- Oh-- you are in a good place to trust your T., I think I'm still struggling with that one. You know-- I've heard that and kind of forgot about it-- that the tapes I hear are out of date and not relevant--- thanks for reminding me of that-- it's true... but it is so very hard not to listen and trust those tapes. And "looking after myself"-- yes that's a much better way to look at it-- thank you!!

Thanks for all your replies-- I appreciate every one of them!



mandy

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

(( Mandy)) I don't think many people can go at someone elses pace....as long as you know you really are going as fast and you can...thats all you need to do...No way is that T going to boot ya out for your pace...no way

[January]

(((((((((((((( Mandy )))))))))))))

Please print off what you posted and just hand it to your t. He'll understand.

You are NOT a loser. You're wonderful.

Hugs,

Jan

Sorry it's taken me a bit to reply.......
don't know when I'll ever quit struggling with feeling vulnerable.....

I appreciate your wonderful support Sleeps (--*off topic for a mintue-- I'm wishing you well with your surgery**)

January-- I'm very sure printing this out is good advice--- but the very thought of it makes my stomach turn--then such a panic!!
I thank you for your support --- it's just...... oh, what is wrong with me........ there is something so HUGE holding me back from letting him know I'm not where he thinks I am.
With all you have going on in your life and you took the time to reply to me---you are really kind and I appreciate it.
Please take care January.

[(JD)]

((((2b)))) I'm sorry you are feeling this way! My T has always said that often going slower in therapy is faster in the long run! Maybe...can you think positively, realize, that this is part of therapy, that it would not be a special request, it is a common idea where patient and doctor can agree... you might be able to at least get out the words to the T : "Slower. We need to go slower." ??? (or even only the word slower...and let T ask the question!

I would hope that T picks up on that fact first... and will be so proud of you for the self care. (T knows that is difficult for you!)

[January]

Oh Mandy,

It's my honor to be able to post to you! Never think I'm too busy for you!

((((((((((((( Mandy ))))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[Hopefull]

I hope you manage to get the words out and get the pace that you need. Your T cares about you and wants you to heal as much as you can. But. only you know what you need. Try to communicate that especially in therapy.
If you thinking easy to say but hard to do. Yep. I have failed a feel times to say that I am unable to focus on you. "Could you keep your responses short so that I don't have to try to focus on your words for a whole story." I just sat there and completely missed the point of the examble. I still remember part of the examble. But, it was a case study like I would hear in my addiction counseling classes. So, I think of it as an examble concerning that instead of whatever the point was that she was making.