my t...pros vs cons

I have created this list because I really need to make a decision about t. I am going to talk to the t in the residential program about it, but you all have such great ideas...is there anything else I should consider? There is a question in the back of my mind as to whether or not I am trying to run away from the connection I feel with him. No, I haven't discussed this list with him yet.

Pros: He ALWAYS responds, thru email/phonecall/text. He sees past the stutter and thinks I am intelligent. He knows my very complicated history. He makes me laugh sometimes. He treats me as an equal. He is quick to admit when he's wrong. He thinks my standing dx is bs. His voice calms me down when I am in crisis. I feel somewhat safe with him. He normalizes things for me. He doesn't over emphasize my abuse history. He has never pushed me to disclose details. He has given me his personal phone #/email to use if I am in crisis. We kind of have a bond. I have been with him for 2 yrs. I have gotten better. I like him well enough. He doesn't push me to speak.

Cons: He thinks I need medication for anxiety (HUGE, HUGE problem). He often is stubborn. He is always late. He's a bit unorganized (really bugs me). He doesn't have that many tricks up his sleeve. He doesn't follow thru with a proposed treatment plan. I *think* he has a porn issue. I am not sure if he has the skill to help me further. He didn't support my decision to go off of meds. He doesn't push me to speak.

for me those cons out weight the pro's but i'm not you of course. i feel like you could probably find a t who does all the good things but who is also on time, organised, follows through and doesn't have a porn problem. and who doesn't want you on meds and who challenges you....those are not big expectations in my opinion.

How about roll over? Does he make you roll over?

Kidding aside, it's your list. Only you can decide if you want to work with someone or not. It would not occur to me to make such a list as I do not think one can "list" people, like one can situations or decisions/choices. Relationships with people are about feelings, not pros and cons?

It is your therapy; your T can't make you talk and that's not his job. Your T cannot decide for you whether you should take meds or not, he can only make up his own mind and give you his opinion, which might include that he does not want to work with you if you do not take meds; that's his choice. But if you do not want a T with their own perspective, expertise, ideas, personality, just someone who says and does things that you agree with, I wish you luck finding such a person or it being very beneficial to you if you do. As the Arab proverb says, "All sun makes a desert".

wow wiki that is a well thought out list.i think the cons you listed are some serious cons .i would maybe ask myself are these cons something i feel i can either live with or work through with this T.what would you be running away from?

just wondering how long have you been seeing this T ?are you able to see him when you are in this day program,if not could this be ware there thoughts are comming from.

awsome work wiki,i like lists

WikiP you think your T has a porn issue? How would you know?

ouch. that was so unfair.

I value his opinions, perspective, expertise, ideas, and personality. But I decided back in April that I wasn't going to take meds, yet he continues to bring it up. If it's a deal breaker for him then he needs to say that, he hasn't. He agrees with my decision one week, and then the next week brings up meds again.

Also..."making me talk" I know he can't make me do anything. I appreciate the fact that he doesn't push too hard in that direction. I also wonder if he should push a little more. It's a pro and a con.

Wiki,
I think your list is a good way to let yourself look at the situation more objectively.
Can you just call him on the med thing? Tell him his back and forth on the med thing is really affecting your therapy?

Thanks granite...at least you get the speaking thing...I have been with him 2 years. I am really not sure about the "running away" thing, I just know it's always a possibility.
I won't see him for the two weeks I am in residential.

Early on in treatment his email went rogue and sent me his contact list. I didn't take much time to look at it, I deleted it quickly because it freaked me out, so I am not absolute in my thoughts surrounding it. But that still lingers, and since I have a history of sa it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I don't want you to "ouch"

He's doing what he thinks is best as a T and when he brings up the meds issue, you have to say, "I don't wish to discuss that anymore, I have made my decision and would like to talk about X instead". But second guessing him, wondering if he should do x, y, or z differently, like I realized when I got in a psychology subject debate with my T who has a PhD in the subject. . . oops; who has the degree/knowledge and who am I hiring to have that degree/knowledge?

I let my T do/say whatever they want to do/say. I take it into consideration, tell T what I think/feel. If T keeps bringing up subjects that "bother" me, I think harder on them; they've done this before and have more experience with the therapy thing than I have and think it is that important.

That you are considering changing T's and talking to us but not your T about these issues you see; how can T improve/work better with you if you are not discussing these things thoroughly with him? How can you understand why he seems to be late all the time (my T got to losing my checks every week for awhile; that was fun to discuss, NOT; but my listening and understanding made our relationship that much closer, my T turned out to be human, who knew! :-)

Thanks Kiki.

This is going to be very difficult for me to decide because I do like him and he has helped. I just need to get back to my life, and we've been at a stand off for some time now.

Wikid, is thinking he has a porn issue related to the creepy thing you found out early on? Did you get an errant text also? Or am I misremembering?

Anyway. If he keeps his porn issue out of your therapy , is he someone you want to work with? Have you tried telling him that he simply MAY NOT discuss medications with you anymore? He may be revisiting that issue out of care and concern for you.

ETA: Oh, my post and yours above must have crossed. Thanks for clarifying.

Also edited to correct the name. I should not post before my morning coffee. Sorry. I KNEW who I was talking to but had just read Perna's post before adding mine. Sorry, Wikid!

Thanks Perna. I have told him...over and over again...that I don't want to talk meds. But every time I bring up my anxiety the response I get is "you can always try medication again". It does get frustrating to spend 15 minutes every week re-explaining my issue with meds. Not to mention that he himself agrees that I am more verbal and together off of them.

I haven't discussed THIS list with t, I have discussed most of the issues in it though...except the porn, that one I just can't bring up.

I raised it here to see if anyone had thoughts of things I wasn't looking at.

I appreciate you Perna, especially when you challenge me to think, as you have done here.

Why do you feel that you need to re-explain every time?

The things that would bother me most are him not following through and always being late (this might be just my thing).
But consistency is essential for therapy progress- I see he can be pretty consistent with meds so why can't he be the same with proposed/agreed treatment?
You like him, he had help you so I would talk to him if I were you- skip the porn thing if you really can't bring yourself to raise it but give him the list.
He could change to some degree accommodating your needs- I think a good T should be able to do that for his clients.
So yes, I would stick with him providing you two at least discuss the cons and he tries to do stg about them.

I'd not have to much faith in what you have said here about your T. Anxiety meds dont actually cure the underlying feelings creating the anxiety, they just make the body difficult to move, sluggish. Continued talking the anxiety out is the most effective cure. Find a more able T.

Because he always comes back to it. General convo:
Wiki: The anxiety is overwhelming at times
T: Well, you can always try different medication
Wiki: After everything I've been thru the past few mos? You know I don't want to take medications.
T: but it can be different this time, maybe a new prescriber would help.
Wiki: I like Dr. F. I don't want to talk about medication again. I want to be able to manage the anxiety on my own.
T: I know you don't want to take medication, but a different medication may work for you.
Wiki: arg...wtf? No. I am not going back on meds.

It isn't like I didn't give medication a chance...I did, 7 yrs. worth. I became dumb, fat and sleepy.
Thanks anilam

Thanks MKAC!!! I am from a big family, I answer to anything almost. My iphone calls me dip ****. I didn't get an errant text, just several emails more than a year ago.

Thanks earthmamma...that's concrete. I am so busy looking up stuff and reading books on managing anxiety, but I don't get much info from him on it.

In my experience it was when I took myself seriously and quit belittling myself that I started to feel my power and self-worth and lots of the anxiety went away because it didn't "fit" anymore. My middle name was "Danaher" and I use to call myself "Damnither". It's not really cute/funny? If you don't respect yourself, why should the things that make you anxious?

In the list of pros and cons - are any of them more valuable than others? For me, the not listening to the med thing would make me nuts and be a huge con, but porn, as long as he was not showing it to me, would not bother me at all. The meds are huge for me, not so much over meds, but because of not listening to me. The pro column seems to me to be sort of the minimum of what I expect from one of them. Do any of the pros stand out for you? Could you take a break from him and try another for a couple of months? I have found they are usually willing to see people again after breaks. Some even encourage trying a different person to see if it is more effective.

If anxiety is a major problem and his only solution is meds, maybe you do need a T with a larger tool box? I worked through my anxiety and now it is gone.

but it's really funny to hear her pronounce dipshit. I get what you are saying. I am usually the brunt of my own jokes.
I had to go back and look. Those are minimal expectations you think? wow. I have had such horrific t's before, this guy seems perfect in comparison. I think the biggest pro would be that he speaks to me as an equal. With my anxiety and speech problems most people don't see my intelligence. That means a lot to me. And that he already knows the history. Who wants to do that again? You are right, I can try someone else and then go back if it doesn't work. I have this habit of thinking of things as absolute.
The anxiety is the whole shabang. Its debilitating. So yea, more tools needed, quickly.

Of all the cons, this is the one that seemed really important to me. It seems like there is not much use in staying with someone who cannot help you further. How are you going to ascertain whether he does or doesn't have the skills? Will you discuss this question with him, tell him your doubts, ask if he thinks he can help and if so how? If you can answer this question without discussing it with him, then great. It seems like this might be key to deciding whether to terminate.

The fact that he has no other ideas on how to help with anxiety besides meds does suggest you have reached the limits of his ability to help with that problem. One of the psych classes I took a couple of years back was taught by a clinical psychologist who specialized in anxiety disorders. She had all sorts of methods to help! She mentioned that some of her clients were on meds, some not. She just really worked in a goal-oriented way and targeted way on the anxiety. She also mentioned that for a person to learn to surmount their anxiety, being on meds can actually impede that. That said, you referred to your anxiety as "debilitating" and "the whole shebang". That does sound like very strong anxiety, and maybe meds + targeted anxiety therapy would be a step that would help give enough relief that you would then be able to manage the anxiety well enough to continue with therapy without meds. Yes, your T may believe meds will help you, but the fact that that is all he says when you mention you are very anxious is worrisome. It's like he is using the meds as an excuse not to try anything else.

I am not sure on the porn question. You said he may have a porn issue. Many people watch porn but it is not an issue for them--they function quite well in all aspects of their lives. So is it that you know he watches porn or is it that you know he has an issue with it (e.g. is addicted)?

FWIW, I terminated with my first T because I had reached the limit of her ability to help me. She wasn't that skilled and had just a few tools. That was enough at first and she did help me with some things. But then I needed to go further and she wasn't able. There is nothing wrong with outgrowing your T.

Good luck with your decision, WP. I think it would be helpful to tell him you are contemplating leaving because you aren't sure staying in therapy with him would be helpful. Maybe he can lay out a plan or put forth some new ideas if he knows you are dissatisfied.

On the pros vs the cons the cons would outweigh the pros if it were me. But that's me not you.

Why specifically does he bring up the meds for anxiety? Is your anxiety getting in the way of something for you? If so can T give you some tools for coping with anxiety? Have you considered going on meds for anxiety just to try it out? If you don't like the meds you can always go off of them. My husband went on and off of meds for anxiety 3x before deciding he needed them to function. And he wont go to therapy to learn ways to cope :-(

Thanks so much sunrise, your well-thought response gives me a lot of food for thought. I quoted the porn part because I wanted to clarify for everyone, not just you.

I know he had porn contacts in his email. Quite a few. I don't know the extent or frequency of course. I realize a lot of men view porn, and this was a rather unfortunate occurrence for him, he lost several clients because of it. My issue is in the "knowing" he view(s)(ed) porn. It's icky to know that about t. Especially with the csa issues, especially with the breast cancer. It's a bell that cannot be unrung.

thanks geez. My anxiety is EXTREME, to put it mildly. It prohibits me from doing just about everything. I was on anxiety meds (and other psych meds) for years and it took a heck of a lot to withdraw from them all. Months in fact. They are toxic. I will not take them again. The trade off is not worth it for me. (no offense to anyone who chooses to take them)

If something is an issue for me, then it is an issue whether it would be for someone else or not. Porn is just as legitimate a thing to bother a client as furniture, or clothes, or accent or gender or whatever, in my opinion.