my t...pros vs cons

Why would someone have porn email contacts? I'd understand favorited porn web sites, but why email? Are you sure that wasn't part of the virus that attacked his email account?

Oh, and the best anxiety advice I've ever gotten is - whatever is scary, do it anyway.

If it prohibits you from doing just about everything then what is there to lose by trying? Not sure what the issue was before when you were on the meds but now a days the drugs are different and effective but nothing is 100%. It definitely takes the edge off.

Thanks for clarifying. I understand now that the porn is an issue for you, not necessarily your T. I would feel kind of yucky if I knew my T was into porn so it would probably be an issue for me too. I hope I don't find that kind of thing out about him. When I was working on my marriage in therapy, I remember thinking about T's own marriage, which had ended a few years before I began therapy. I hoped he hadn't been involved in extramarital affairs (as my XH was). I would have felt awful about that because my own belief is that if you're married you don't have additional partners, and if you want more partners, then you should get out of the marriage before sleeping with others. If T had been cheating on his wife, I did not want to know! It would so go against the honest T that I know (or think I know). It might have been a deal breaker for me. So I understand about how a T's behavior can raise a client's own issues.

You mentioned your T lost several clients because of the porn emails. It seems to be standing between the two of you too. Have you ever talked to him about it? Would it help to process it or only make things worse?

Thanks stopdog.
Thanks pbutton. Certain sites give email access. I know that the contact list was genuine, not infected. There's a difference.
The loss is literally decades off my life. I was on meds for 7 years, up until about 4 mos ago. That is how the whole med conversation started. Off meds I am loosing weight, thinking clearly, no longer suididal, and have better impulse control. Yep, the anxiety is over the top...but I need time for my body to get used to itself again, and I need skills to deal with the anxiety.
If I was better at this whole therapy thing that would be perfect. However I barely speak and stumble and stutter all over the place. I can't bring myself to say it or email about it. I had convinced myself that I had let it go, but it was right there when I started listing reasons to terminate. I know that it isn't something I can speak about, not right now anyways.

((((((WP))))))

Wow, I SO get how hard it is to be in a place of wondering if you should leave a T you feel connected to and safe with.

Just from reading what you wrote, it sounds like you really need someone who can help you learn to manage your anxiety. If your T's only tool is "take meds" and you tried that and decided that it wasn't for you, then you need some other things you can try.

For me, when I was seeing T regularly, it was SO HARD to pull myself away. I loved him, and we had worked so well together for so long. And, honestly, I guess I ended up only "sort of" quitting...he has been there through the process of my son having surgery, and I've seen him 2 times in the six weeks since I quit. For me, stepping away from the intensity of the relationship was super hard, but allowed me to see what it really is that I need (which, for me, seems to be occasional emotional support, since I felt done with the hard-core trauma stuff). I think when we're in it, it's just really hard sometimes to get perspective on what it is we really need.

Aren't you doing a intensive (residential?) program soon? Will you see T during that? I wonder if that will help clarify things for you.

It's hard to be in a place of "not knowing"!

Thanks so much nightsky, your post brought me to tears. I did do well when I took a month off, but needed to comply with the residential guidelines of having t for at least 3 weekly sessions (I actually did 4). One of the 4 was very good.
I should be going residential next week (fingers crossed) for two-three weeks and I won't see t at all during that time.

I think what I am realizing is that it is very hard for me to imagine another t giving a crap about me. It seems so strange to me that this one actually cares and likes me as a person...I can tell. No one else is going to see past my stuttering to give a s h i t...I just know it.

To address your original post, Wiki, I too would be frustrated with the cons you list -- although none of them are insurmountable. I suppose for me, if there was no way to talk/work through them I'd seriously consider leaving. The porn thing wouldn't be as triggering to me, but I think I'd need to talk through it, much as I wouldn't want to. And the always being late... I don't know, there's something immature about being consistently late AND not taking that as a sign that he needs to start sessions later.

But to address the core issue you you bring up here... I know you probably have very deep-seated feelings that no one is going to see you past your stutter. And I am sure those feelings come from very real experiences. It's not true, though.

In the lab I used to work in, I mentored a student with a stutter who went on to join the lab and become a good friend. He was also from another country, so the accent plus the stutter could make communication go slower. But I put in a really good word for him to my boss, because he was one of the smartest students I had encountered in a while. And there's nothing special about me, just that I was looking at this guy's brain and working personality, not any of his physical attributes, including his speech. Although I will say that having a disabled sibling with significant speech issues (not a stutter, different difficulties) probably makes me biased in favor of what people say, rather than how they physically form the words. Still, my friend became one of the more popular people in the lab and one of the favored students, because he's smart, kind, and funny.

There are people -- including therapists -- out there who will see past your stutter. And although I'm not sure from the way you say it, I am hoping that it is not the case that somewhere inside you really think a therapist should ignore you because of it -- because I really really hope that you believe through and through that you deserve to be heard.

You'll find a T who realizes that our girl's wicked smaht. (Or shahp, if you like, which my Nana from Eastie favored.) Don't let that thought bog you down.

Wikid -

Those pros are undeniable "can't lose this one" pros, and those cons are hanging on the edge of deal-breakers. What a tough decision you've got!

Only thing I can think of, is that isn't the break would be temporary? If I'm right in my memory about that - then maybe you could look at the cons as a push in the direction of giving the program a chance - and maybe you'll find out by having to deal with a different therapist - whether the pros are enough, or whether the cons are too much. It'll give you another perspective. And maybe you'll come out of it with a firm desire to find another therapist, or a firm mind about the one you have being the one for you.

I SO hope your experience in the residential program helps you see that this isn't true. I SO get that it feels true...I feel that way for other reasons...and I had to experience opening up to other people, letting them see the "real" me and still being loved and accepted before I could even imagine anyone besides T loving me just how I am.

Shout out to Easties...woot. Thank you Sally. It's something that I used to be able to manage quite well in the professional world, but is overwhelming at this point in my life. I know it's the initial speaking that I need to get past.
I will be on a temp break for two weeks, but my thoughts at this point are not returning to t, as heartbreaking as that feels right now. I've had one session since April that did not feel frustrating. My only peace were the weeks I took away from him in June.

Thanks for helping me focus folks. I did email another T, and he responded (quickly), and I may set something up for when I come back. I most likely am going to interview a few t's and try to find one that specializes in anxiety.

I was up most of the night thinking about this, and things that I really feel blocked from discussing with current t. I started with this t in Aug 2010, and was dx'd with breast cancer in Nov 2010. 2011 was easily a year of hell, yet we barely discussed it. I may need to see a woman (yikes) to talk that thru with. I don't think I could ever talk about this experience with a man. Given the fact that women really intimidate me, this is a big challenge.

Wiki... I understand that challenge.. i feel the same way about body image issues. I picked a man T because between the 2 necessary evils. the man seemed lessor. Do you know whether the residential therapists are male or female? this might be a good opportunity to see if seeing a female would make a difference.

Also if my memory is correct though, I thought I remember you saying that you had some body image issues related to CSA. I don't remember if your abuser was a male or female... but it might be an interesting perspective to talk through some of that with the same sex as your abuser... (sorry if my memory has failed me).

Hey Ready....

You have a good memory. Everyone at residential is female. So, it will be a bit different for me. The csa stuff was mostly male. My only references of being close to/cared for by a person are my brother and H...so men feel safer. I am 47 and have never had a close female friend or relative.

I think this explanation is super valid!