[autotelica]

It seems like most posters here are in therapy because of past abuse or trauma.

Are there other posters here, like me, without a sordid history?

I wonder how therapy differs for people who are screwed up "just cuz". I can't imagine myself making progress with a psychoanalyst, for instance, because there's just not much material to work with. There is no narrative to weave...at least not one that I would believe. My upbringing didn't help matters any, but it's not the cause of anything.

There are stories and experiences discussed here that I just can't relate to. Like, I don't know what a "rupture" is. Or the need to write lots of stuff to my therapist. I wonder if it's because the transference issues are a lot different for a non-abused person versus one who was abused. Anyone know?

Also, I don't know what people mean by "healing". "Healing" implies I can go back to a state where I am "all better". But I guess because there is no discrete "wounding" event for me, I have a hard time imaging where I am injured and how anyone would be able to heal me. I am with my therapist because she provides support. But that's different than being with her because I expect her to heal me. Is thinking of a therapist as a supportive force more than a curative treatment a typical thing?

Am I making any sense? Or am I overthinking? I guess I'm feeling disconnected here and trying to find out why.

One must exPereince ones own Pyschoanalyst to understand we all carry a shadow side that is worthy of examination regardless of childhood abuse or trauma.

[Asiablue]

I suppose healing for you, could be coming to terms with your "shadow-side" that is the dark part that everyone has even emotionally "healthy" people. Finding peace and acceptance of who you are.

Everyone's needs are different in Therapy. Some need more assurance, nurturance parental figure than others, some come to therapy for a guiding hand thru specific troubles or for advice from a professional.

There's no rights or wrongs. But i would imagine the Transference stuff and the need for an almost symbiotic relationship with the therapist comes from fractured early experiences and relationships of trauma and abuse victims more than someone who had a safe upbringing.

[stopdog]

I don't see therapy as "healing" anything for me - I hope it can help me feel less crazy than I do because I have no reason for it. I don't see that I have a wound or something broken and for me the word healing just does not fit. I don't really consider that I have an abusive background or trauma although there was some cs(a?) and physical force/correction employed as a means of control of me as a child. The therapist has described some of the games my mother played as sadistic but they do not seem all that bad as I remember them.

I think it's all relative, we each have our own reality or past and by comparison although one may appear worse then the other, the truth is they may be percieved as just as destructive to the individuals. There are many people on here who had it worse them me and some who seems to have had it better. But all that doesn't matter as we are all here in search of something thats missing. That missing piece may be healing from childhood for some or words of encouragement and direction for others. I am amazed each day by the broad spectrum of PC and it's ability to assist anyone and everyone on their journey.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by autotelica

It seems like most posters here are in therapy because of past abuse or trauma.

Are there other posters here, like me, without a sordid history?

I wonder how therapy differs for people who are screwed up "just cuz". I can't imagine myself making progress with a psychoanalyst, for instance, because there's just not much material to work with. There is no narrative to weave...at least not one that I would believe. My upbringing didn't help matters any, but it's not the cause of anything.

Your post sounds like something my boyfriend might have written. He encouraged me to seek counseling and in turn I encouraged him to seek counseling. I am definitely "more messed up" than him and "need counseling" more.

But I don't think that anyone is screwed up "just cuz". Maybe you had a good, kind family like my boyfriend, went to a good school, had good friends, and only had "normal" bad things happen to you, (like people you care about dying)... but that doesn't mean that everything in your development went perfectly.

For instance, using my boyfriend as an example again, he is very conflict-avoidant. His mom always tried to smooth things over when he was a kid, never wanted him to make waves, or get in trouble. She was a normal, doting, mother who just wanted the best for her son and no one can really say a word against her. But for whatever reason, her son had a very different personality and it frustrated him greatly to not be able to really "solve" problems. He learned to push everything under the rug.

So now, in his adult life, he gets very frustrated, but he doesn't really know how to address or solve problems. He lets other people take the lead. All the time.

I have a hard time imagining what could be the "cause" of your problems if it didn't start at home. School, maybe? But problems don't happen in a vacuum. There has to be some sort of conflict for a problem to arise - between you and SOMETHING. I'm worried that you're beating yourself up, blaming yourself for all your problems and no one else gets to share responsibility.

Originally Posted by autotelica

There are stories and experiences discussed here that I just can't relate to. Like, I don't know what a "rupture" is. Or the need to write lots of stuff to my therapist. I wonder if it's because the transference issues are a lot different for a non-abused person versus one who was abused. Anyone know?

It sounds like since you had a relatively normal upbringing, you have less trouble interacting with people. You're stable and secure and know that your T looking out for you. My boyfriend is similar in this way: in between sessions he thinks about what was said, what he thinks, what decisions he needs to make, but he's never called or texted his T between sessions... He doesn't talk about her... same as you, she's just not really part of the portrait for him.

Transference issues are DEFINITELY different for abuse/trauma victims than for people who have not experienced this. It basically comes down to trust and fear. People who have been abused and traumatized may have a very hard time trusting, they fear that something bad will happen. They're on the lookout for any little sign. Anything to prevent it from happening again. They can become hyper vigilant, and, in turn, hyper sensitive to any perceived threat or slight. It basically comes down to, "better safe than sorry." People who have not been victimized do not have this problem.

Originally Posted by autotelica

Also, I don't know what people mean by "healing". "Healing" implies I can go back to a state where I am "all better". But I guess because there is no discrete "wounding" event for me, I have a hard time imaging where I am injured and how anyone would be able to heal me. I am with my therapist because she provides support. But that's different than being with her because I expect her to heal me. Is thinking of a therapist as a supportive force more than a curative treatment a typical thing?

I think thinking of your therapist as a support rather than a cure is common - just maybe not on this board. I've had people disagree with me in the past when I say this, but I do think that this board is NOT a representative sample of people seeking therapy. People like my boyfriend who don't think or worry about the relationship, or people who are closer to not needing therapy, I don't think they come here as much. Because I don't think, in general, they crave as much support. Think about all the activities in your life that there are probably message boards for that you DON'T use. I mean, there's probably message boards for cooking, for doing your hair, about books and reading, about martial arts... I don't frequent any of those boards, even though I do those things.

Originally Posted by autotelica

Am I making any sense? Or am I overthinking? I guess I'm feeling disconnected here and trying to find out why.

I don't think you're over thinking. I do worry that you're thinking in circles (not thinking new thoughts) but that's probably just me projecting, because that's what my boyfriend does.

The only suggestion I can really give to you is to journal. If you don't like to physically write, maybe type it. Docs.Google.com is a good place to keep an online journal. It will really help you to get your thoughts in order, and help you figure out where you DO think your problems and feelings of disconnect come from. They aren't created in a vacuum.

[autotelica]

Wow, InTherapy. That was a lot of meat to chew over.

I don't think all psychiatric problems have an environmental element. I mean, the environment can affect their manifestation, but I don't think problems all have an external cause. One thing I have learned from therapy is that some problems "just are".

I have a twin sister. She's two inches taller than I am. She makes twice as much money as I do and has always been much more confident than I have been. She has a rich emotional and social life, while my life is pretty sparsely populated and muted. When I first started therapy, I drove my therapist up the wall by demanding an explanation for these discrepancies. Surely there had to be a reason--something my parents did wrong with us, some repressed abuse or trauma. And at first, my therapist thought so too and tried to make someone out to be the Villain. But eventually, I had to come to terms with the truth: I am the way I am for the same reason why schizophrenic uncle and aunt and cousin were the way they were, while their siblings turned out fine. The blessings and curses of genetics.

I consider my therapy supportive because we aren't fixing a conflict. In a broad sense, my therapist is trying to make me feel connected to myself and to the world. So we aren't totally aimless in our work. But there is no "hurdle" that I need to overcome, you know? I think that's the best thing about having a pervasive disorder. It sucks because there's no one thing that you can pinpoint as the major "problem", but on the other hand, it's easier to accept that you are what you are and shift the focus from "changing" to "accepting".

I am too shy to ask my therapist, but I'm curious if therapists prefer working with patients that actually have "real" problems, like abuse. They are more sympathetic, perhaps. I know that my family can't understand why I'm still in therapy, since I am also on medication.

[InTherapy]

I have heard it said that sometimes therapists will take on only one or two "difficult" patients at a time. By which I mean people who are very needy, need a lot of contact, etc. I would imagine that therapists need a good blend of patient types. If a therapist only has borderline patients, they're going to get overwhelmed and burned out from the constant needs of contact and reassurance. If they only work with people with "slight" problems, they might feel like they're not doing the most good. The most difficult patients have the potential to recover the most, but you can't have a full caseload of them - you'll go nuts yourself. So, yeah. I'm betting most T's like to have a blend.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by autotelica

It seems like most posters here are in therapy because of past abuse or trauma.

Are there other posters here, like me, without a sordid history?

I wonder how therapy differs for people who are screwed up "just cuz". I can't imagine myself making progress with a psychoanalyst, for instance, because there's just not much material to work with. There is no narrative to weave...at least not one that I would believe. My upbringing didn't help matters any, but it's not the cause of anything.

There are stories and experiences discussed here that I just can't relate to. Like, I don't know what a "rupture" is. Or the need to write lots of stuff to my therapist. I wonder if it's because the transference issues are a lot different for a non-abused person versus one who was abused. Anyone know?

Also, I don't know what people mean by "healing". "Healing" implies I can go back to a state where I am "all better". But I guess because there is no discrete "wounding" event for me, I have a hard time imaging where I am injured and how anyone would be able to heal me. I am with my therapist because she provides support. But that's different than being with her because I expect her to heal me. Is thinking of a therapist as a supportive force more than a curative treatment a typical thing?

Am I making any sense? Or am I overthinking? I guess I'm feeling disconnected here and trying to find out why.

I have a trauma history but sordid would not be a word that I would choose to describe it.

Originally Posted by InTherapy

I have heard it said that sometimes therapists will take on only one or two "difficult" patients at a time. By which I mean people who are very needy, need a lot of contact, etc. I would imagine that therapists need a good blend of patient types. If a therapist only has borderline patients, they're going to get overwhelmed and burned out from the constant needs of contact and reassurance. If they only work with people with "slight" problems, they might feel like they're not doing the most good. The most difficult patients have the potential to recover the most, but you can't have a full caseload of them - you'll go nuts yourself. So, yeah. I'm betting most T's like to have a blend.

My T said exactly that, Burn out is a huge thing in this profession and no one wants a jaded T.

[stopdog]

The one I see has called me a challenging client and eccentric. I don't believe her.

Stopdog if that is how she perceives you then it's true for her. I like ya!

[stopdog]

I mean I don't believe she means it. She keeps repeating how
long she has been in practice etc. i am not that different or unique that after all her year in practice I am just not that big of a deal.

I appreciate the sentiment.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by autotelica

There are stories and experiences discussed here that I just can't relate to. Like, I don't know what a "rupture" is. Or the need to write lots of stuff to my therapist. I wonder if it's because the transference issues are a lot different for a non-abused person versus one who was abused. Anyone know?

I think you are stereotyping abuse histories (and I agree with whoever wrote that these are not "sordid", you might want to look up the definition of the word if you don't get why this might be insensitive) and other somewhat common themes that exist among other common themes on this board.

I have abuse in my history but I've never had a rupture with any of my 6 T's in many years of therapy, and I don't email or otherwise write "lots of stuff" to them. I often don't feel connected to what many posters write about and what they struggle with, but I don't think I can make something simple out of that disconnection by saying it's because everyone else is X and I'm not X. I think there's lots to be learned even when you don't connect with an experience-- sometimes it's because I want to have that experience, but am not able to yet. Sometimes it is helpful just to know that not everyone has the same reactions that I do. Sometimes it is good to know that I'm not engaging in some kind of crowd-related goofiness, group think, we're all the same, it's us against them, that can exist in any group, online or not.

[autotelica]

I didn't mean to be insensitive by using the word "sordid". It seemed like an apt descriptor for a life characterized by abuse, but it was not my intent to provoke negative reactions.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by autotelica

I didn't mean to be insensitive by using the word "sordid". It seemed like an apt descriptor for a life characterized by abuse, but it was not my intent to provoke negative reactions.

I know that you didn't have any bad intent. But just to be clear so you can really understand: here is the definition from the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

" Definition of SORDID1
: marked by baseness or grossness : vile <sordid motives>

2
a : dirty, filthy b : wretched, squalid

I'd really like to know that you understand that abuse victims are not sordid, nor do we have sordid histories. That is a word better reserved for terrible ENVIRONMENTS, not experiences or people.

And just because I was abused in childhood does not make me, or my life, "characterized" by abuse. My life is more characterized by who I have become, not my past.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I know that you didn't have any bad intent. But just to be clear so you can really understand: here is the definition from the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

" Definition of SORDID1
: marked by baseness or grossness : vile <sordid motives>

2
a : dirty, filthy b : wretched, squalid

I'd really like to know that you understand that abuse victims are not sordid, nor do we have sordid histories. That is a word better reserved for terrible ENVIRONMENTS, not experiences or people.

And just because I was abused in childhood does not make me, or my life, "characterized" by abuse. My life is more characterized by who I have become, not my past.

Very well said.

Originally Posted by autotelica

I didn't mean to be insensitive by using the word "sordid". It seemed like an apt descriptor for a life characterized by abuse, but it was not my intent to provoke negative reactions.

No worries, I misue words sometimes. With all the words out there it can easily happen. I figured you didn't mean anything by it.

[InTherapy]

I just want to say that I, for one, don't think you used that word wrong. Marked means strikingly noticeable or conspicuous. If you look at my past, as a whole, I have experiences that are strikingly noticeable in their vileness, their grossness, their filthy wretchedness.

As someone who's experienced BOTH abuse and trauma, I have zero problem with you describing my history as sordid. My past WAS gross and wretched. Many of my memories are terrible and horrible and I wish I didn't have them.

He used the word correctly as far as grammar goes. I understand that many people may not AGREE with the way he and I see histories like mine, but it doesn't make him necessarily WRONG and he shouldn't have to apologize for that.

It's kinda like arguing over if a paint is pink or salmon. One party can't really declare themselves to be "right". It's just a different viewpoint.

[KazzaX]

I haven't got any trauma or abuse in my childhood or adulthood, and never had a traumatic thing happen. I just acquired severe depression for some reason! I can relate a bit to all the big dramatic things that others write because it happens for me, just at a smaller level. Anyone can have a rupture,etc.

I can relate to your post in that there was never a time I was "normal" or "happier" and I think that's made it harder for me in treatment. It wasn't possible to go back to a time when I was happy, because there wasn't one! People asked me what made me feel happy when I was "normal/happier" and the answer is always "toys" (I was 10 or 9 the last time I was happy or normal!".
W
e have to basically make up a self out of nothing, whereas other people aim to get back to how they used to be. Both sound pretty darn tough to me!

[stopdog]

I figure if you are talking about yourself, or how you see things, you can use any word you like. I would not describe my past as sordid, but I have no problem with the op's use of it in the manner it was used. I would not use the words trauma or abuse either but the therapist does all the time.