Triggers

What do you do when triggered; here on boards like this one, on Facebook and other social media, in the therapy room by your own thoughts or something your T says?

I figure there are two good ways to respond; either one can look at their own response and address it (I am the one triggered, what is going on with Me?) or one can figure out what the other person is looking for and see if you can help them, keep your own response out of it. I guess it is kind of my finally understanding Thumper's mother's, from "Bambi", adage, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."



I like how being online, you can be triggered, disgusted, anxious, angry, all those negative things and yet not act on them publicly. In real life, your facial expressions and how you act shows, even without your wanting it to and in therapy, T makes you talk about it!

It took a long time in therapy before I could quit shutting down? I had a rule for myself, "no curling up in fetal position, actually or imaginatively" and tried to imagine myself as an ice breaker or minesweep, keeping the shipping lanes between me and my T open.

Usually I'm able to hide my reactions very well - when I can't, I try to walk away as unobtrusively as possible. Well, not in T - I have never walked away from a therapy session. When I'm triggered there, I freeze up.
In general, I turn any reaction towards myself rather than outwards. That is so much safer, and more considerate, I hope.

I've been teaching myself the joys of the Block feature.

In other online communities, like facebook, I mostly ignore people who bother me. On occasion, I will respond to certain things that are just false, and will usually just post the actual facts and a link or cite to the actual facts.

Here, for a while, I tried actually responding to some people who were triggering me, trying to explain WHY others see their behavior as troublesome or whatever. I am trying really hard to stop myself from doing that, with intermittent success.

what sometimes freaks me out is when two people seem to be fighting online....I know I have been a part of this too....and the whole thing freaks me out. I guess it reminds me of my violent family but I just want to post:

"Can't we all just get along."

this is even when the disagreement seems quite healthy, so I kinda know it's my ****.

I've gotten pretty good over the last few years at recognizing when I am triggered, acknowledging it to myself, and then letting it go so I can move on without taking my triggers out on other people too often (or myself). It is one of the most important skills I've taken out of therapy. I DO have a choice in how I react to things that trigger me; I'm not a helpless victim of my triggers.

A few years ago, my sister wrote something to me in an email that triggered me. I hung onto that trigger; I ruminated over that trigger. That trigger led to depression and suicidal thinking, and that landed me in the hospital for a week. I allowed that trigger to set off a chain reaction in me and run my life for literally several months.

Last week, my sister was here visiting. She said something that triggered me. I felt the anger, acknowledged that I was triggered, and was able to let it go and move on. I chose very consciously not to ruminate on it or allow it to fester into depression, and I'm okay.

I've learned that I can make a decision about how I react to being triggered. I don't have to let a trigger occupy my thinking and actions for days and weeks, even months, on end. I can simply acknowledge that whatever was said or happened bothers me. I can recognize that my reaction is about old news usually; very rarely is it really about today. And old news really can't hurt me today. I can give it some honest thought and release it so I can move on without going into self-destructive mode.

If I run across something on the boards that triggers me, generally I just stay away from that particular thread if it bothers me that much. Sometimes I speak up if I feel someone is really speaking out of ignorance and needs to hear the facts, but usually I just let it go. After all, this is just cyberspace.

I have family members who constantly send me those awful mass emails that disparage people and ideas using misinformation and outright lies as propoganda. It triggers me that people fall for that kind of drivel, but I've learned to just hit the delete button so I don't even have to read that kind of crap, thus avoiding those kinds of triggers before I even have to see them. If we know certain things always set us off, we kind of owe it to ourselves to just stay away from them. No need to get myself all bent out of shape over some things.

Thanks for this thread, Perna. My thread got deleted but I learned a lot before that happened. Yours is helpful and it's acceptable because it's general, I suppose. I'm just going to take it in and try to learn from other posters.

We do the best we can. When we know better, we do better.

That's exactly how I handle online triggers, too. I either avoid the thread or even stop visiting the forum until the sting is gone and I have more equilibrium.

In real life, I work to use the tools I've gotten with T to get through triggers from other people--lots of bathroom breaks to do mindful breathing and positive self-talk to keep me contained. I also try to withdraw from the situation as much as possible--either physically or mentally. For example, I can't just walk out of my job, but I give myself permission to do a little controlled dissociation when I am triggered by a coworker.

I think that it is good to get at the root of the trigger by talking about it in therapy. I think that you can work through the trigger so that it doesn't trigger you anymore. I have done this. When triggered I also focus on it and tell myself that it is about the past and it isn't about today and what triggered me. Both of these have really worked for me. I call it working the trigger from both ends.

This is one of the goals for me in therapy. Thank you for saying it can be done

I still work on this and in fact, just got back from a family function where I was triggered at least 3 times. Sometimes I leave the room for a few minutes, sometimes I focus on my body and my breathing, and sometimes I look like I am paying attention but in my mind, I have gone to a quiet, peaceful place. As for online things: I got very triggered by all of the Penn State news so I just stopped reading it. I called a friend to talk, I cried, and I went down to the basement to get some anger out by hitting a pillow on the floor. Journaling has also helped me. I try to remember that I am safe and that nothing bad is going to happen. Triggers are very hard...

I think ... I don't have very good trigger coping responses at all. Good questions, thanks Perna

like now, one thread is triggering me and instead of doing something helpful like learning to walk away from it or thinking about why exactly it triggers me I keep returning to the post that triggers and rereading it

My grandma's death yesterday triggered me for various reasons, and I talked to T about it today. I was REALLY beating myself up for feeling triggered in the middle of such a sad situation...feeling really self-centered and stupid...and T helped me see how that was making the situation worse, and reminded me to be gentle with myself. He told me that it made sense that I felt triggered, and that it was okay. And that helped me remember that for me, one really important thing that helps me when I'm triggered is to just acknowledge it, and accept it.

Once I remove all of the self-judgement, if I'm in a real life situation, I try to get really present. I notice how my feet feel on the floor, listen for six sounds, try to connect with someone. Being triggered tends to send me right into my own head, and it helps if I can pull myself out.

Usually, if I read something online that triggers me, I just leave the thread and stay away until I feel better. Being angry isn't really a problem for me...I don't tend to get angry very much at all...but being scared is a real issue for me, and I've had LOTS of my own threads deleted out of fear. That's still something I'm working on.

Thanks, Perna. Good (and timely!) questions

I don't get triggered here or anywhere else online-- don't do Facebook or the like.

I do get triggered in therapy and IRL and in the last year, I have noticed that the impact of those triggers is so much less strong than it used to be. I used to feel like I was being slowly carried away on the wind away from whatever situation was triggering me, losing my ability to speak from any grounded place, I felt that my body was disconnected from my throat, my heart, my mind. As if I were in little shattered pieces swirling around in a fog on the ceiling.

Now when I get triggered-- and the worst situations are those where people IRL direct negative emotions at me. My current T has never done this, although she has said negative things to me, it's never been with strong emotion. I have a good woman friend as well as my wife, both strong and independent women who are headstrong as well as straightforward, be angry at me for both legitimate and illegitimate reasons. Now rather than being split up and spirited away from the interaction by my dissociated trigger response, I feel myself more as a willow tree in the wind, where their emotions blow harmlessly around me and yet I am able to process their words and more importantly, their emotions. I can stand there and think, boy, she's really pissed at me, what I said to her really pushed her buttons, she is unwilling to hear what I have to say about that right now, I will acknowledge she has a point and then address it with her at a more calm time.

I also notice that while in the past I would "rush" to get the conflict with another person resolved because it was so uncomfortable for me, I know am willing to approach things from either an implicit or explicit agree to disagree approach. I am more willing to think that one possible positive outcome is that I allow her to have her feelings, no matter how wrong she might be while I feel comfortable owning my beliefs without needing them to be validated by her. To me this is a reflection of de-triggering my triggers.

Most of my days are pretty mindful, connected to the people in my family and friends and colleagues around me. I am calm and confident-- in the past I think I have just pretended to be so, but now I really am. Not much really bothers me much any more, and as a side benefit, it just seems like people and events are more positive than they used to be.

I almost always-- disappear.

I didn't know what it was for such a long long time-- I'm learning that it's "triggers". So many things trigger.... *sigh*....

Most people can't begin to understand the triggers within, as they don't seem like they'd be upsetting to the average person. but fins didn't have an "average" upbringing.

just learning some triggers that I run from that "average" people wouldn't understand---
1. adults that appear, to me, to be attention seeking(the mother did that which caused us kids to be in traumatic situations-- HER getting attention was paramount over others feelings/well being) I will run from people that I feel are like that and NOT give them my time or energy.-- maybe that IS a coping skill??
2. adult traumas being equaled or made more important than a childs traumas. This soooo upsets me, for anyone that has suffered horiffic childhood abuse/traumas, and then an adult comes along and says something like-- yea that happened to me when I was 25 or 30! THAT is NOT the same thing... not even close! argggggg those such adults have NO CLUE. (IMO) I feel like then that I'd like to throw things-- but I don't-- i isolate instead. I struggle to feel/show anger. It seems like anger is too volatile-- isolating is much more controllable(is that a word?) and doesn't hurt others.

it's a work in progress for sure....

I think many of you have done such great work and have mastered so much in your healing Good going to all of you!

thanks for asking this Perna-- it's got me to thinking

I wish we had more posts like this kind! I think they're helpful.

fins

Can I ask a dumb question?

What is "triggering"?

Is it just feeling a strong negative emotion? Or something that is just a step away from suicidal/self-harming stuff?

I have to be honest. I've never been on a board where everything seems to be a "trigger". I'm actually wincing as a type this in anticipation that someone will say that this post is "triggering". My mother once went on a bizarre diet where every other food had to be avoided because it was a "trigger" food. She never explained what those foods "triggered" or how she even knew they were "triggering". All I knew was it made being around her difficult.

I can't imagine internet conversations ever triggering me to do anything. But sometimes fairly innocuous questions from people IRL can remind me about where I am in life, setting the table for self-pitying and depression. Is that what people mean by "trigger"?

It is good that you realize this is a trigger for you. I hope you can reach a point where you can understand that trauma for each individual is their trauma, and comparison is not really possible. We have soldiers coming back in droves from war traumatized and struggling with PTSD. Their pain and struggle is no less than mine from childhood trauma. Different. Yes. Less than. No.

A few years ago, my husband was walking the property at the hotel where he works when a woman threw herself off the 9th floor balcony in order to kill herself. She literally landed in front of him, and she was not dead. He held her and administered aid until the paramedics arrived; the whole time she was begging him to let her die. He was very traumatized by that event. Not a childhood trauma, but extremely traumatizing to him.

One thing we learn is that our pain and trauma is very individual and really cannot be compared to any degree to the severity of anyone else's pain and trauma. It is all painful and very difficult to recover from. I hope you can find healing from your own pain.

"trigger" is such a psych word, you don't hear it out in the real word. I have learned to take a breath and step back. I generally try to be upfront, but I try to mindful and non-offensive. (i said TRY...lol)

One thing I have just recently learned is "It's not a trigger free world". So it's critical to learn how to manage my reactions and responses.

Thank you Chris.

I can surely understand how each one's trauma is different.
that is the key word to me-- different.

I believe that when a child goes through a life threatening trauma(similar to a soldiers trauma, life threatened by gun, knife, being burned and such)-- it writes on the child's newly developing identity. (like, NOT a SINGLE PERSON is trustworthy since the child has only known a handful of people in their short life and they all let that child down) Whereas when an adult-- that already has a developed identity and many positive and negative experiences, goes through a life threatening trauma-- I believe it is a whole other ball game.
"Different"-- not anywhere near the same. and that traumatized adult gets to DECIDE if they get help in coping with it or their acquaintances might help them cope-- where an abused child has no such avenues-- only left on their own to decipher what they will from such a trauma.

-- not pointing a finger at you-- but, I'm just wondering-- have you ever had your life threatened? held at gunpoint, knifepoint or had bullet holes in your property? I'm sorry to say I've had experience to know how different it is as a child compared to when a young adult.

I've had traumas as an adult and I've dealt with them and worked/healed from them in MUCH different ways than I have from the traumas from childhood. The ones as an adult affected me deeply, of course, but they didn't imprint on my developing identity. IMO--- it is VERY very different.

Children are NOT short adults. (not saying this to you Chris-- not anyone even-- just saying it is all)

I don't know how to explain this very well.... I am so NOT good with communication-- I know what I mean in my head-- just can't get it out from the mind so that others understand what I'm saying... arggggg...

shaking as I type this.... blech...... so fearful of being misunderstood..... misunderstandings have lead to horrible things happening both as a child and an adult.....

I hope someone out there understands me....

fins

Oh, I meant to say--
Chris, I'm so so sorry your husband experienced that
My gosh that must have been so upsetting for him. it sure was admirable of him to help that woman. He is a hero to me.
I hope he has come to an understanding and found peace from such an upsetting experience.

fins

I never used to know what that word means either so don't feel bad! My definition may be different from others, but basically it means that I react badly to what someone says or does, to the extent of becoming depressed, confused, or angry with them. I think you're correct that a trigger is something that induces a strong negative reaction. Often it's an overreaction, and it's unique and personal. We all have different triggers so it's hard to know when we are triggering someone.

On the forums, we have a trigger icon, which people use when they "think" the topic may be triggering to others, which is usually when a poster talks about sex, abuse, religion or death. But anything can be a trigger! That's why this a good thread, to learn what to do when someone triggers you.

Triggering, to me, is the same as "pushing your buttons" or something unexpected that you can't quite cope with immediately; a thought, feeling, sight that zaps you, that one isn't expecting.

My definition of triggering is when I am reacting to something that someone said that is not just about what happened in the moment, but when something negative from my past is blowing up the emotions or the thoughts inside my head. I am no longer grounded; I am not mindful; I am somewhere more or less lost in an emotional and reactionary swirl.

A good example might be (cue movie, Fried Green Tomatoes) where one of the main characters is cut off from a parking spot she's waiting for by a couple of rude young women. They tell her something like, when she protests that she was in line for that spot, that they are younger and quicker. She then bashes their car out of the parking spot with her own; she says, I'm older and I have more insurance. She's not just mad about what is a pretty ordinary slight in the moment, it's triggering her issues about being ignored as an aging woman and disrespected by probably the people in her life as well as society.

Maybe triggering is the same thing as an overreaction-- to which my T always reminds me has a kernel of the reaction that is based on truth. To overreact doesn't mean that there was nothing hurtful/disrespectful/etc there, but that one's reaction is stronger than the situation really called for.

I think that in working on triggering, my goal is to react to whatever I'm feeling in a calm, clear way-- both allowing myself to speak my truth and have the other person understand me, without annihilating or unnecessarily hurting them.

I think there is difference in feeling triggered and one's reaction or outward response to such. I tend to retreat and regroup and try again when it happens to me.