[pbutton]

I'm feeling a little weird tonight. It seems like a lot of the people who have recently terminated gave their T a card/letter. I didn't do this. (And why the HECK are there so many of us who recently terminated? Yuck.)

T2 suggested that I give T1 a letter if I was having a hard time saying how I felt. I didn't really think I was having a hard time describing how I felt about T1 when I was talking to T2.

Instead, told T1 in person that I felt sad. He seemed to be trying to get me to say more but I didn't really have anything else to say? It wasn't like I had something else I wanted to express but was holding back. I was sad. Period. Is there supposed to be more? I told him he was helpful and funny.

I am considering sending T1 a thank you with picture of me on the Zipline excursion of my upcoming cruise. I was pretty much agoraphobic when I started therapy, and I'm afraid of heights, so this ziplining thing will be pretty cool. But then I feel sort of stupid about the whole thing. Is it worth the trouble? Is it going to make me feel like a clingy idiot? I'm allowed to contact him, so that part of it is within the range of acceptable. I can't decide if my "eew" factor in this is my problem with intimacy. I think it might be? Just the idea of posting this thread is starting to bother me & make me feel grossly needy.

Is the thank you letter supposed to be for me or for him? I feel very weird about the whole thing. It is confusing. I am going to talk to T2 about it this week, but I'm open to opinions here as well. Thanks.

My T told me once when I was taking a break... that he absolutely loves to hear from former clients. Told me he likes it when clients send a once a year check-in ...holiday card or something. I think my T would be totally estatic if I sent a picture of me doing something that I had anxiety about before starting to see him... what a testament to your hard work together in therapy...

It would not be about you being needy but about you being proud of yourself and saying thanks for helping me get to this point.

[unaluna]

I think that would be totally cool. Fabio was impressed when I showed him the photo of me skydiving not that he was my T, but I understand a lot of women made changes in their lives after meeting him. kinda like meeting Richard Simmons.

[pbutton]

Can I just email a photo of myself to Richard Simmons? I don't have any annoying emotions about Richard Simmons.

[delicatefade26]

Ohh I think it's a great idea to send him pics of that and a letter-and I honeslty don't think it makes you seem needy or clingy or anything-I say go for it : )

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Can I just email a photo of myself to Richard Simmons? I don't have any annoying emotions about Richard Simmons.

you will when he shows up at your house in a sparkly tank top and candy striped shorts and tries to ride your H like a baby gorilla.

[elliemay]

I think it depends on your expectations surrounding the letter. It is important to really examine your motives here, do you expect a response? If so what kind?

Relationships are sad when they are end, but are they ever really over?

I did not give me therapist a letter or a card when i terminated - although in an effort to kill me, he and I have kept talking.

A picture of you conquering your fears would be very affirming to him I'm sure, but again, this remains, and always will about you.

In objective terms, aside from neediness etc... what would be best for you?

Hi (((((pbutton)))))

I didn't give T a letter either.

It sounds like you don't have any leftover feelings/thoughts hanging on that you just have to get out...for me, I think that's the situation where I would really feel like I needed to send a letter...if I had something I wished I'd said, but I didn't.

T did tell me when I left that he would love to hear about my successes and if I was having a hard time...and I have seen him since then and told him something big and good that happened to one of my sons and he said "that's the sort of thing I'd love to hear about". I bet your T would LOVE the zipline picture Sort of a "look what we accomplished together!" celebration

My termination wasn't as clean cut as I thought it would be...I've talked to T and I've seen him twice. I think every termination is different...some of us never contact T again, others end up having some communication, others send a letter...just like everything else in therapy, I don't think there's a "right" way to do it.

I love that you're going to do the zipline by the way

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I did not give me therapist a letter or a card when i terminated - although in an effort to kill me, he and I have kept talking.

You kill me, elliemay, you sly dog.

[granite1]

i think everyone is differnt with how they choose to terminate .i think if you want to send a pic of yourself ziplining that is great (i did this,great fun) i think your T would love to hear how you are doing but would want you to do what is comfortable with you.if things that you wanted to say were left unsaid maybe a letter would be good.

[kiki86]

i have to agree with elliemay, what is your expectation if you send an email or letter? how will you feel if you send this email and he doesn't respond? or doesn't respond in the way you want?

as for other people sending letters, for me it was because there was so much i couldn't say to his face. if you feel like you expressed what you wanted to express then i don't think a letter is necessary.

i think the ziplining photo sounds nice and i do think you t would like it but i do think whether you should send it or not depends on what you want out of sending it.

[Eliza Jane]

You made a comment asking about whether the letter is about/for him or you. I think the answer is it doesn't matter. If you do it to make you feel good, what's the problem with that? If it happens to make him feel good too, great!

You should do whatever feels right to you. I have written letters to a former T about 3 times per year since we terminated about 5 years ago. I have had a new T this whole time (I moved, that's why I had to stop seeing T1) but I still get some comfort from touching base with her. She seems to enjoy it too and almost always responds.

Best,
EJ

You two accomplished a great deal together and the photo will be tangible proof for him of how much he helped you. As a professional, that will feel great for him. Also, I think that it's progress that you were able to connect to this T enough that you WANT to share with him that you can do this fun and exciting thing through the hard work you did WITH him.

Be aware, though, that he may not respond. I have sent three letter to my former T over the last 25 years or so since I stopped therapy with him. He responded to one of them, but not the others.

[unaluna]

I kinda imagine him imagining himself punching your arm in the picture.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by hankster

I kinda imagine him imagining himself punching your arm in the picture.

I kind of imagine him imagining himself taking a giant pair of gardening shears to the cord from which I'm dangling. But then again, I was there for most of my therapy sessions with him.

[geez]

(((PB))) I would most definitely send T an update!!! Especially of you on the zipline!!! Awesome!!

[stopdog]

I don't think sending a letter and photo are inappropriate if you are so moved. But I would not send one if I thought I would be disappointed if I did not get a response.

[pbutton]

Now I'm pondering how I'd feel about getting a response or not getting a response. I hadn't really stopped to consider it, thank you. There are many good points here, I appreciate all of the comments.

I already feel kind of needy-whiny-gross for posting this thread. I imagine that actually sending something to T1 isn't going to feel any better. Which still doesn't mean it is a bad idea - it might be an opportunity for me to try something different and see that it won't kill me. Ughhhh.

This is why I am allowed to contact him. He knew I'd rather set myself on fire than admit that I give a crap. Smart guy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by pbutton

He knew I'd rather set myself on fire than admit that I give a crap.

Or dangle over a crevasse wearing a pig mask? You ARE going to wear the geico pig mask, aren't you?

ETA: really the only point is that you even want to share it with him, I think. pardon me if i'm repeating myself, but I told T today that I felt like a different person last week compared to 18 mos ago when I gave him this hockey book for xmas. both times he had this sweet little cloudburst of tears, but the first time, I didn't feel included, connected - I didn't know where to look, I didn't know what I did, who I was, who he was, I plain didn't know wtf happened. This time, I reached out, I understood, I had a familial feeling, I told him now i know what to do when someone feels bad. we agreed that my finding PC because of his mistake last summer was a miracle.

Originally Posted by pbutton

This is why I am allowed to contact him. He knew I'd rather set myself on fire than admit that I give a crap. Smart guy.

Oh do I hear you on this! Me too. I wonder if my T knows this about me??

But I truly feel that those of us who depise our needy part have to accept that it's OK to have needs. To need other people, to need a hug, to need support when we're feeling weak. I haven't a clue as to why this is so impossible for me. When I read your story, pbutton, I almost don't understand why you see sending this picture as a "needy" thing. It's a wonderful thing to do, and I think your T will love it. But then when I imagine myself doing it, then it's totally unacceptable. WTF?? Just WTF?????

Send the picture!! And work with T2 to discover why any neediness is so unacceptable to you. And when you figure it out, will you let me know? I'm not making any progress in this area at all. God, I'm stubborn.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I am considering sending T1 a thank you with picture of me on the Zipline excursion of my upcoming cruise. I was pretty much agoraphobic when I started therapy, and I'm afraid of heights, so this ziplining thing will be pretty cool. But then I feel sort of stupid about the whole thing. Is it worth the trouble?

I got married 4 or 5 years after I terminated with T and I sent her a photo from my wedding I then saw her again for a period 5 years later and was glad; it made the period between when I'd terminated and when I saw her again feel/work better in the whole life experiences thing, like I was one piece/connected to myself.

You can't know what will happen in the future, how you'll feel, you can only work with what you have now and try to build something for the future. If it would make you feel good to send the picture, then send it. I don't think it will morph into feeling bad afterwards. It will always be a concrete reminder of how far you've come.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

But then when I imagine myself doing it, then it's totally unacceptable. WTF?? Just WTF?????

LOL - yes, exactly!!!!!! I'd have no problem with anyone else sending stuff to their T. It's ok for everyone else, just not for me.

[pbutton]

Follow up: I emailed him a thank you & a couple zipline photos from last week's Alaskan cruise. He wrote back thanking me for sending the pictures & said he liked seeing my smile.

So. I emailed my former T a thank you & I lived to tell about it. I feel good about the whole thing.

So impressed with you!