I was weak and emailed T in the middle of the night

I did not have a good night. I slept fitfully and feel worn out with a headache. I emailed T at 3:30am even though I promised myself I wouldn't. Here's the email:

My emotions have been all over the place since I left session. On the drive home, I became angrier and angrier. Once home, I had to lock myself in my bedroom for 3 hours to keep from taking that anger out on anyone. *During that time, I tried to process my session through writing. I felt very angry with you. I processed the session and the anger subsided, especially when I realized the Buddhist/nudist thing (that was really funny to me and H). Shortly after I emailed about that last night (I hope you weren't offended), my meds kicked in. I remember telling H I was hallucinating. I think I was dreaming while dozing, but when H got me up to go to bed, I remember thinking I was losing my mind. I awoke a few minutes ago realizing the light was still on, my contacts were still in, etc. I am lucid and had the following realization.

While I realized that you did not say or do anything out of character, my mind perceived that what you were saying was coming from Mom, not you. I was somewhat aware of this during session, but I don't think I communicated this to you. I was hearing, "Why can't you just let it go? Why aren't you letting it go quickly enough? Why can't you hurry up and let it go so you will finally just go away? I say I love you but I really don't like you. I just tolerate you. I'm just here because it's my job. What's wrong with you? Why don't you let go? It's really easy. Letting go would make me happy. You going away would make me happy. It would be nice not to ever have to put up with you again." This is the story of my childhood. This is the message I received from Mom.

This is a time I really have to have faith in you. That you aren't saying these things to me. That you really do care. That you are not judging me. That I'm worthy of your love even if I can't let go yet; don't know how yet. That you don't think there's anything wrong with me.

The statement above, "I love you but I don't like you" was said by Mom several times through my childhood. Remembering this makes my heart heavy. I also feel like I've taken one step forward and two steps back in my progress.

Will you please answer this email? I try not to ask for that much because I really don't want to impose, but I'm really insecure and hurting right now and feel very alone. Don't worry, I'm not going to email you this weekend. Thank you. I hope I go back to sleep now. It's 3:30 am and I am exhausted.

I don't think labeling yourself weak is going to help you. I hope she responds appropriately.

I don't think that was weak at all. I think it was insightful and brave of you to share it with your T. I think it shows strength to realize that you need the contact and know that you are worth it.

I don't think you're weak either, Chopin. You're triggered by your session and this is a time that a good T will help you sort it all out and won't be annoyed with you. That's when I say "I'm glad T isn't my friend but she's my T and her job is to help me". I hope your T will email you something reassuring and that you feel better soon. Maybe this is a time for distraction until your next session to give yourself a little break from the heavy reactions and feelings?

I agree with everyone, that's not weak its brave. Its brave to reach out when we are hurting and ask for help. It wasn't her saying those things, it was your mom saying those things and I hope your T confirms that.

wow, you ARE brave. and insightful. and MUCH faster than I am. I was going to take another 30 years to figure out THAT part. You kinda wrecked that plan! altho I didn't realize until now that that was my plan.
well, I think that's the lie that T (and maybe religion) was invented to correct. Just because your mother didn't like you, doesn't mean that no one ever will, or that you will always be messed up. I can look at my day yesterday as evidence that I am still broken, or as proof that I love and am loved.

Chop...you are not weak. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to hide.

My mom..."I have to love you because your my kid, but I really don't like you all that much"

Then you certainly understand, Wiki. Thanks for reaching out even though this Mom stuff is hard for you. I'm glad you didn't treat your kids this way. I'm trying to straighten myself out before I have kids because I want to break the cycle.

I think that was a powerful realisation you had. I have the same experience at times with my therapist. In the beginning I only heard my perception of what she said and took it as the truth but now I can ask her - "this is what I think you are saying, can I check it is right?" - that helps me. And sometimes I do pick up correctly on some underlying feelings beneath the words so it helps to talk it through because it is hard when someone says one thing but the emotions underneath it don't make sense!

Btw my mum said that exact statment to me once when I was a teenager. It made me feel really awful too. Tbh I understand why she said it to me because I was an awful critical spiteful teenager...but it really hurt at the time! Sometimes I wish that she would have stopped and asked herself and me why I was so horrid as that would have been helpful to me. I knew something was wrong but not what...but after that I felt it just confirmed that I was wrong. She has apologised since for saying this which has been helpful for me - maybe you can talk to your mum about it too?

good for you! i am trying to do the exact same thing and have this fear that im going to end up old and lonely without a family because by the time i get straightened out i will be too old to have kids. you're doing good work chopin keep it up!

Well, it's way past the end of T's workday and she never responded to my email. It doesn't feel very good; I reached out and she isn't there.

chopin i am so glad you e-mailed her and it wasnt weak at all.i think you really need her help in processing all this and i think it was completely brave of you

i know it is hard but give her some time to think about it .maybe she will respond tomorrow.do you think you might be able to call her and let her know you are hurting.

Thanks Granite.

She doesn't respond to email on the weekends and I don't have her cell #. Her workweek is done. I cannot reach out for help from her. She decided to ignore me. I would have been fine if she had simply responded with a "we'll talk about this on Tuesday". Anything.

She has shut me back down. Months of work to get me to trust her...down the drain. The healing that occurred in the area of self-worth is not moot; I still have this. She is not crashing my entire world down. I just don't trust her anymore.

I reached out in a time of need (which I haven't done in months) and she wasn't there. F*** her. I'm done.

Chopin, I think you know that there may be a reason your T didn't answer you that had nothing to do with her not caring about you. Maybe she didn't get your email. Maybe she got sick and didn't go to work. I understand why you said you don't trust her, but please try to hold off on that judgment until you DO hear from her. I know that's hard to do though.

i know how much all this mom stuff can hurt ,confuse, and anger someone.i wish that i had some wonderful comforting words to help make it a little better so that you can make it untill tuesday a little easier . i would definately put the book up for now and give yourself some space from it and T this weekend.maybe plan some distracting fun things to do. i know it is hard to wait when things are so raw.i know you needed so badly for her to respond and boy is she messing up badly.but at the same time is there a right way to respond to an e-mail that is so charged with painful emotion. i wouldn't want to just say talk about it on tuesday. i'm sorry this is happening right now

Thanks Granite, I know you're trying to help me and I appreciate that.

For me, any response would be better than no response. No response is what I always got from my mom and T knows that. It's just that non-reaction caused me to shut down as a child and adolescent and now I'm shutting down as an adult. It protects me from the pain.

i amso sorry these things happened to you in the past to cause so much pain and heart achei wish moms just knew how to love .have you maybe thought of something distracting to do this weekend.

F*** me. Just f*** me. I feel horrible now.

T answered me. On her own time.

I think you have actually taken 2 steps forward. This is all a process trust the
process. No one is telling you how fast or slow to go.
Get some rest.
T

I feel so stupid.

i am so so happy she responded. now think of some fun things to do for you instead of feeling guilty ok

Chopin - I am glad she responded. If you can, I suggest trying to stop beating yourself up. Do you think the workbook has lead to a desire to punish yourself? (so far today you have called yourself weak and stupid and felt horrible because she did not respond and now because she did). Could you take a break from the workbook for the weekend or something?

I'm really sorry that you have been through this.

I can relate to this, for sure.

Yup, me too.

I hope you can stop beating yourself up, Chopin, this 'mom'/transference stuff is hard.

Yes it is hard. Thanks JSG.