It's taking everything I have to not cancel..

I have T this afternoon. I am trying so hard not to email him saying I want to cancel.

I want to go in and rip up my 'trauma timeline' so bad. I want to ask for it and rip it to shreds. I want to say none of it matters. That it wasn't that bad. That I don't want to do this anymore. I want to quit. I want to cry and tell him how bad it hurts and how much I just want to forget everything.

I don't know if I can face it. I now understand why people don't want to go to T sometimes.

I really don't want to go.

When you don't want to go to T, this is the most important time to go. Anticipation is more brutal then the actual stuff. You can do it. If you want pocket riders I can come along. Facing fears is the best way to get them to crumble. Avoiding fears keeps them BIG.

I can relate. I am sorry you are struggling. I felt the same way! It all looks / feels so overwhelming. And exhausting. I wish I didnt have a darn timeline! I wish it never happened...I wish it just didn't matter.

But I think if I did not address all of it, feel the real feelings associated with the traumas, instead of stuffing them down, just sit with it in a safe place, I would never truly move past them. Make gains.

I realized last night, all the traumas are "stories" for me. The first time I shared one of my stories with my T, she reminded me to stop and take a breath and feel the feelings associated with it. It became not a story anymore. But a horrible event that I hadn't let myself feel. From start to end. Self protection.

Can you tell your T that you need to take a break from the timeline...it is too much right now...ask if you can talk about the weather instead?

For me, too, the times I didnt want to go to T1 were the times I really needed to go. I just had to find the words. And the strength to drag myself in there. Just drag myself in. Nothing else.

Hugs to you, Rose

I feel the same way about going in today / I do not want to deal with my "stuff" anymore. I hope you go. I joke with my T and tell her that no matter what, I always "show up".
Could you go and work on something else? Or could you just work on a small piece of it?
I agree with the post about when we do not feel like going, that is when we need to go...
Perhaps we should both go to our sessions today? Reminds me of the book about the little engine who said, "I think I can..."

Something I learned, but did not always do, is that not going teaches you that it really is something to fear, while going usually reveals that you will not die if you do go.

I sent him an email explaining stuff.
I've been having issues dissociating a lot and it's scaring me. Because I don't know what is going on. I'm really confused most of the time. I email him things that I would never write. He says I'm doing a good job when I do this but it just makes me not know how I actually feel or want because it's so contradicting.

I will go. Thank you everyone for saying that it's the best time to go. I can see that, and I need to work through it. Maybe he will let me rip up that paper.

Butterflies - Deal! You go, I'll go. I Think I can I Think I can... *hugs*

Rose - Thank you for relating. It's nice to know I am not alone in how I am feeling.

Good luck Sunne, sometimes the best sessions are the ones we want to skip. That emotion is good ... maybe he will let you rip that timeline up, or trow pillows at the wall...anything to relieve the frustration and anger. Let us know how it goes. Ill pocket ride if you want...

He's not responding to my email. I think he wants me to come in like this so he can see me upset. Does not want to make me feel better because I am seeing him soon. I understand that. This is just so difficult. I feel like a big liar because of this dissociation and I think he's going to think I'm doing something wrong. It's so confusing. He tells me I'm doing a good job but I don't believe any of it.

Him having the paper means it's real and it happened.

Learning this has changed my life. Honestly.

Go - tell T it hurts - then say, I can't work on that today - and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. but being there with someone who will accept your pain, who has experience helping people with it, will be a good place for you - surely better than suffering alone at home. You have carried this burden alone for a long time already.

coming wit ya if you want some company. It *** IS *** so hard, but you are really trying, and that's so brave.