As my t never really explained this or anything about what happens during the therapeutic process, I am wondering why it is important that you attach to your T. I can understand that their is an element of trust involved but why must we attach?
I attached to my T and she didn't really like it, at first she encouraged me to ring and text, I didn't abuse it but suddenly it was not ok to do that anymore. I got very attached but didn't abuse her privacy or genorousity, I honestly can't see how this attachment in therapy helps as it only hurt me.

[Sannah]

I never attached to a T. I used the T as a source of info to heal. Out of the handful of T's that I had, though, the longest one I saw was just for a few months.

[autotelica]

When I think of attachment, I think of trust and connectedness. A feeling that says, "I carry a part of this person with me, and I LIKE this."

As opposed to, "You mean nothing to me at all. You could disappear tomorrow and I wouldn't care."

I am not attached to my coworkers. I like them "okay", but if they were to disappear tomorrow, I wouldn't care (as long as I didn't have to do extra work).

Now, I think the level of attachment you *should* have depends on your particular issues. Some people treat therapy just like they do going to the dentist--with not a lot of emotional investment in the matter. I like my dentist but I'm not attached to him. I don't carry his words around in my head when I live his office. I don't feel anything when I can't make it to an appointment with him. There are probably some people who are like this with their therapist and it works for them because of their personality style and/or the nature of their problems.

And then some people need a strong attachment to their therapist because of their personality style and/or because of the nature of their problems.

I think if you're in therapy long-term, attachment is both required and inevitable.

I recall that you once responded with shock when I revealed that my therapist told me where she lives and occasionally asks if I've checked out her garden lately. My therapist obviously has looser boundaries than most, but she also knows that I have pretty rigid boundaries...that my curiosity is limited JUST to her garden. She knows that I'm much more interested in the kinds of trees and weeds growing in her yard than I am of who is behind the living room curtains. If your therapist gave you permission to check out her garden (why does that sound so dirty?!), do you think you'd be able to keep yourself from peeking through the windows? With a secure enough relationship with your therapist, you'd probably find it easy to do. You just have to find someone willing to trust you enough so you can find out.

[TheWell]

Weird, I don't want to know where my Ts live (I have a group and an individual T) I am attached to both of them. I'm not sure why. Huh, interesting.

Qoute Autotelica [I recall that you once responded with shock when I revealed that my therapist told me where she lives and occasionally asks if I've checked out her garden lately. My therapist obviously has looser boundaries than most, but she also knows that I have pretty rigid boundaries...that my curiosity is limited JUST to her garden. She knows that I'm much more interested in the kinds of trees and weeds growing in her yard than I am of who is behind the living room curtains. If your therapist gave you permission to check out her garden (why does that sound so dirty?!), do you think you'd be able to keep yourself from peeking through the windows? With a secure enough relationship with your therapist, you'd probably find it easy to do. You just have to find someone willing to trust you enough so you can find out. ]

My new T who I have only seen twic who is old T's supervisor has told me a lot already about herself. I haven't asked her anything personal but she told me she is married and has kids, where she was going on holidays and why, maybe this was to make me open up- I dont know but in the two times I have seen her she has told me more than my last T ever told me in the year and a half I seen her.
Becoming attached to anyone scares me because the two people girls I became very atttached too abused me and hurt me and it scares me so now I have a barrier around me and I don't want to get attached and then they leave me too which is what happened with last T.

[sconnie892]

For me, attachment to t is strongly correlated with trust. T often says that therapy is a safe place for me to practice opening up and that evenutally that should help me be more open to expressing and asserting myself IRL.

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by TheWell

Weird, I don't want to know where my Ts live (I have a group and an individual T) I am attached to both of them. I'm not sure why. Huh, interesting.

I don't think it's weird at all. I don't think most therapists share that information with their clients, nor should they.

I was thinking that maybe if button found a therapist willing to give her just the right amount of closeness and was consistent about it, she wouldn't find herself always crossing shifting lines in the sand. And thus wouldn't find attachment so scary.

Originally Posted by autotelica

I don't think it's weird at all. I don't think most therapists share that information with their clients, nor should they.

I was thinking that maybe if button found a therapist willing to give her just the right amount of closeness and was consistent about it, she wouldn't find herself always crossing shifting lines in the sand. And thus wouldn't find attachment so scary.

Even though my new T is trying so hard and is so very kind, kinder than my last T, there is just something there that is missing. I do trust her and I really like her but not in a sexual way, I like the way she is so normal and doesn't look down on me or get mad at me, my last T questioned everything I did and said and made me feel so bad about myself, new T, even said I could ring her after our last session, I didn't because it just wouldn't feel right. I am afraid of attaching to her.

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by button30

My new T who I have only seen twic who is old T's supervisor has told me a lot already about herself. I haven't asked her anything personal but she told me she is married and has kids, where she was going on holidays and why, maybe this was to make me open up- I dont know but in the two times I have seen her she has told me more than my last T ever told me in the year and a half I seen her.

This seems like a good chance to find out if attachment is the problem, or the intensity of the attachment.

I don't think I have attachment issues (other than the fact that I don't attach well outside of the therapeutic setting). But I think I would have a problem with a therapist who didn't share personal information with me. It surprises me when posters reveal that they don't know if their therapists are married or have children. It seems natural to me that a therapist would reveal the basics of their life.

Maybe I would find myself crossing boundaries if had a more private therapist. Maybe you will be comfortable with boundaries now that your new therapist seems to have looser ones than the others.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Great Question P! Here is a great article explaining one theory:
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/at...-relationship/

In my reading and experiences, I think that like the human body has a central nervous system, a peripheral nervous system, and many other systems; that it also has an attachment system. I'm may not be choosing the right words as I'm not a psychologist, but I think that this attachment system is a part of the developmental milestones (trust vs. mistrust) and that in order for a person to feel whole, the attachment system has to be exposed to healthy boundaries, not enmeshing, not rigid, but healthy malleable boundaries. Now, I also think that something can go wrong if the child is extra sensitive, which would make the child's view of boundaries more extreme. So, I think in therapy, the goal is to be exposed to healthy boundaries. I believe that if one is not whole and the attachment system is not 'set' correctly, that one will experience the compulsion to attach to people in order to correct the system. Unfortunately, when one compulsively tries to attach (or I guess some avoid attachment) and isn't whole that it will cause ruptures in all or most relationships.
I think the most important job of a therapist is to accept the person as is (while using healthy boundaries (not retaliatory)). If the therapist does treats the person's attachment issues (neediness, say) as if they are a sickness or disgusting, then the shame that the person already owns will be compounded. That's my two cents

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by button30

As my t never really explained this or anything about what happens during the therapeutic process, I am wondering why it is important that you attach to your T. I can understand that their is an element of trust involved but why must we attach?
I attached to my T and she didn't really like it, at first she encouraged me to ring and text, I didn't abuse it but suddenly it was not ok to do that anymore. I got very attached but didn't abuse her privacy or genorousity, I honestly can't see how this attachment in therapy helps as it only hurt me.

Attachment is one of my favorite subjects.. and I wish I didn't have to get ready to go to work and could say more.

In short though, I think attachment is most beneficial to those who were emotionally neglected or abandoned in childhood. In response to my early experiences, I created a self-reliance and independence that ended up falling in the 'insecure attachment' category with respect to relationships. I'd learned I could not rely on anyone to care about my needs. My therapist was big on attachment, and just hearing her talk about it gave me the willys. I fought it tooth & nail. It took a long time, but eventually it sneaked up on me and attachment just happened. That unleashed a flurry of emotional instability.. but my therapist was wholly there for me. Through my attachment to her, I found out what a safe and healthy attachment feels like. I developed the capacity for genuine healthy intimacy. Best of all, I've been able to incorporate what I learned into my real life relationships. Not all therapists 'get' attachment theory, but I'm really glad mine was into it - because it made all the difference in the world for me.

Originally Posted by autotelica

This seems like a good chance to find out if attachment is the problem, or the intensity of the attachment.

I don't think I have attachment issues (other than the fact that I don't attach well outside of the therapeutic setting). But I think I would have a problem with a therapist who didn't share personal information with me. It surprises me when posters reveal that they don't know if their therapists are married or have children. It seems natural to me that a therapist would reveal the basics of their life.

Maybe I would find myself crossing boundaries if had a more private therapist. Maybe you will be comfortable with boundaries now that your new therapist seems to have looser ones than the others.

I always found it wierd about my first T, I never knew Anything about her and it drove me mad obsessing over her, wondering was she married and did she have kids. I awlways got the feeling she was afraid of opening up to her clients like she had some bad experiences in life. I think she had a lot of issues with suicide and I think I scared her when I talked about it, I scared her so much the last time that she terminated with me the following session.
Her behaviour was very strange now that I have met wiht two other T's

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Great Question P! Here is a great article explaining one theory:
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/at...-relationship/

In my reading and experiences, I think that like the human body has a central nervous system, a peripheral nervous system, and many other systems; that it also has an attachment system. I'm may not be choosing the right words as I'm not a psychologist, but I think that this attachment system is a part of the developmental milestones (trust vs. mistrust) and that in order for a person to feel whole, the attachment system has to be exposed to healthy boundaries, not enmeshing, not rigid, but healthy malleable boundaries. Now, I also think that something can go wrong if the child is extra sensitive, which would make the child's view of boundaries more extreme. So, I think in therapy, the goal is to be exposed to healthy boundaries. I believe that if one is not whole and the attachment system is not 'set' correctly, that one will experience the compulsion to attach to people in order to correct the system. Unfortunately, when one compulsively tries to attach (or I guess some avoid attachment) and isn't whole that it will cause ruptures in all or most relationships.
I think the most important job of a therapist is to accept the person as is (while using healthy boundaries (not retaliatory)). If the therapist does treats the person's attachment issues (neediness, say) as if they are a sickness or disgusting, then the shame that the person already owns will be compounded. That's my two cents

Wow Anti matter, you explained that perfectly. Especially the part about how the therapist treats the client about their needs, my T always made me feel bad when I contacted her, which was only three times I rang and a few texts in the early stages, she soon brought up boundaries, but to be honest I think she crossed my boundaries first and texted me, sending me mixed signals and making me feel bad about texting her about something that I couldn't say in session. So I am terrified of contacting a |T and terrified of being needy or attached.

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

Attachment is one of my favorite subjects.. and I wish I didn't have to get ready to go to work and could say more.

In short though, I think attachment is most beneficial to those who were emotionally neglected or abandoned in childhood. In response to my early experiences, I created a self-reliance and independence that ended up falling in the 'insecure attachment' category with respect to relationships. I'd learned I could not rely on anyone to care about my needs. My therapist was big on attachment, and just hearing her talk about it gave me the willys. I fought it tooth & nail. It took a long time, but eventually it sneaked up on me and attachment just happened. That unleashed a flurry of emotional instability.. but my therapist was wholly there for me. Through my attachment to her, I found out what a safe and healthy attachment feels like. I developed the capacity for genuine healthy intimacy. Best of all, I've been able to incorporate what I learned into my real life relationships. Not all therapists 'get' attachment theory, but I'm really glad mine was into it - because it made all the difference in the world for me.

Crescent Moon, again you have explained it perfectly. I can relate to your experience, in that you have learned not to rely on anyone as I too am in that stage now. I have been emotionally neglected all my life, starved of human intimacy even in relationships and now I can't let anyone near me because I am afraid. i know T can't offer me any of this but I am not sure how attaching to her and then letting her go can be good for me, especially now.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by button30

Crescent Moon, again you have explained it perfectly. I can relate to your experience, in that you have learned not to rely on anyone as I too am in that stage now. I have been emotionally neglected all my life, starved of human intimacy even in relationships and now I can't let anyone near me because I am afraid. i know T can't offer me any of this but I am not sure how attaching to her and then letting her go can be good for me, especially now.

My therapist and I made a deal. I told her that the only way this thing will work, is if it's me who pushes away from her - not her pushing me out of the 'nest.' It's worked as well as I thought it would. She is real careful to make sure I don't feel like she's ready for me to go. I told her that if she would (figuratively) hold on to me tightly, that I would eventually push my own self away.

As time has gone on, I've done that. I remember in the beginning, she told me that she'd know I was getting better when I started cancelling sessions.. when I didn't have time for therapy. I only go weekly now, and only for one hour. I rarely call or email her between sessions anymore. And I don't really think about her or therapy between sessions either. I really have internalized her.. it's like I carry this faceless therapist within me, and it has become part of me.

So that's the goal, I think.. it just takes time.

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

My therapist and I made a deal. I told her that the only way this thing will work, is if it's me who pushes away from her - not her pushing me out of the 'nest.' It's worked as well as I thought it would. She is real careful to make sure I don't feel like she's ready for me to go. I told her that if she would (figuratively) hold on to me tightly, that I would eventually push my own self away.

As time has gone on, I've done that. I remember in the beginning, she told me that she'd know I was getting better when I started cancelling sessions.. when I didn't have time for therapy. I only go weekly now, and only for one hour. I rarely call or email her between sessions anymore. And I don't really think about her or therapy between sessions either. I really have internalized her.. it's like I carry this faceless therapist within me, and it has become part of me.

So that's the goal, I think.. it just takes time.

THis is good news Crescent Moon, I like to hear about your positive experiences in therapy. They give me some hope that it can work with the right therapist.
I think for me personally one of the reasons why my therapy didn't work was because from the moment I met my T, I fell in love with her, I fought it so hard but the feelings just became more intense and I think on some level she was afraid of this...I am gay and she probably new I had feelings, I could not tell her certain things and it became really awkward and painful for me, i always felt ashamed and she really didn't help sometimes. T would always say things that hurt me, maybe it was tough love or something but some of her commments were cutting. I couldn't open up with her and have told my new T more in the two sessions I have seen her.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by button30

THis is good news Crescent Moon, I like to hear about your positive experiences in therapy. They give me some hope that it can work with the right therapist.
I think for me personally one of the reasons why my therapy didn't work was because from the moment I met my T, I fell in love with her, I fought it so hard but the feelings just became more intense and I think on some level she was afraid of this...I am gay and she probably new I had feelings, I could not tell her certain things and it became really awkward and painful for me, i always felt ashamed and she really didn't help sometimes. T would always say things that hurt me, maybe it was tough love or something but some of her commments were cutting. I couldn't open up with her and have told my new T more in the two sessions I have seen her.

Your ability to be open and candid with your new therapist is encouraging. I don't know if you're seeing a male or female, but I'm wondering, if you end up having to find a therapist, if it would be easier on you to see a male therapist, since it would take romantic attraction out of the picture? I'm not sure how it would be fore me if I had to manage a therapeutic relationship with someone I was romantically attracted to. So.. just a thought

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

Your ability to be open and candid with your new therapist is encouraging. I don't know if you're seeing a male or female, but I'm wondering, if you end up having to find a therapist, if it would be easier on you to see a male therapist, since it would take romantic attraction out of the picture? I'm not sure how it would be fore me if I had to manage a therapeutic relationship with someone I was romantically attracted to. So.. just a thought

I am seeing another female crescent moon. I see what you are saying and it makes perfect sense but because of certain things that happened with males I would find it extremely difficult to open up and trust them, its a catch twenty two
IT doesn't work very well having a romantic attraction to them and I think if I take anything from my last therapy it is just that. At least I learned something from it.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

As time has gone on, I've done that. I remember in the beginning, she told me that she'd know I was getting better when I started cancelling sessions.. when I didn't have time for therapy. I only go weekly now, and only for one hour. I rarely call or email her between sessions anymore. And I don't really think about her or therapy between sessions either. I really have internalized her.. it's like I carry this faceless therapist within me, and it has become part of me.

So that's the goal, I think.. it just takes time.

That's my goal for sure.

[stopdog]

The one I see talks about brain synapsis repair.

Wghat is brain synopsis repair???

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The one I see talks about brain synapsis repair.

Sounds like she knows just how to assist you in keeping her at an arm's length. Nothing quite like a synapses discussion to keep emotional intimacy at bay. :-)

[stopdog]

Actually it helps me a great deal when she will talk about about it. I like to know there is a reason for all the chatting. I visited a couple of neuroscientists and looked at brain scans and the like.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Actually it helps me a great deal when she will talk about about it. I like to know there is a reason for all the chatting. I visited a couple of neuroscientists and looked at brain scans and the like.

I relate to this. And for me (perhaps not for you) it makes me feel more attached to T when he discusses things like neurological pathways and brain synapses with me; it's as if he respects me as an adult. I know I need to learn to talk about emotional stuff without going into instant panic, and knowing that T speaks my kind of language will (hopefully) make that possible.