[Radford]

Is it really that bad to be concerned about one's health? I just want to make sure that I do the right things to remain in good health.
My therapist said to me:"I have noticed that you are so concerned about health,illness,etc.Is the reason why you are so concerned about health,illness,etc. is because YOU HAVEN'T LIVED YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST?" The moment she said this,I felt really uncomfortable.I felt really bad inside.I tried to figure out what she means by what she says.Is it so wrong to be concerned about one's health? I asked myself quietly:"Did I hear it right? Did she really said what she said? Did she really said(INSINUATED) that the reason why I am so concerned about my health is because I haven't lived my life to the fullest?"
The real reason why I am so concerned about my health is because I REALLY am concerned about my health.That's it. I want to make sure that I am doing the right things to preserve my health and not do those things that will make me sick or that will ruin my health.That's all there's to it.The trouble with my therapist is that she is actually happy that I was in a miserable situation-the emphasis of her statement was:
"BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T LIVED YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST?"And then there was this smirk on her face as she said this statement.During this particular session,I was feeling really bad after she said this.I tried to put my feelings aside and ignore them and pretend that I wasn't feeling what I was feeling but I guess she had noticed that I am starting to get angry and that I was trying hard not to show it.
It has become obvious to me by this time that my therapist celebrates at my misfortune.She was actually happy that I am miserable! I could see that she really gloats at my misfortunes-that she was actually happy that I was in a pathetic situation. After this particular episode,I finally decided to stop therapy with her because it has already become obvious that she doesn't have my best interests at heart.

[ErinBear]

Hi Ogie,

Have you talked with your therapist about your thoughts and feelings about this? It sounds really hard to me, and really upsetting. Sometimes, as hard as it is to discuss these things, it can help to discuss them with your therapist. Sometimes when I've had conversations with my counselor that I found particularly distressing, I later asked him to clarify and explain what he said, and why. Then I discovered that I misunderstood the situation, and it helped to talk with him about it. Other times it has helped to talk about my feelings if I'm upset with him, and just get it out in the open. If you are feeling frustrated or upset with your counselor, it may help to try to talk with her about those feelings.

Thinking of you - and again, I'm sorry it's been such a hard time with your therapist. I hope things get better soon!

Take care,
ErinBear

some of my past therapists have said this to me. They were not saying it to me and asking me this in these such words because they were celebrating my misforune. Therapists have many clients that focus on their health at certain points in life age wise and healing wise because the client is thinking about the t hings they have not yet accomplished for example mid life crisis. or those that think they should be farther ahead healing wise. Other times clients focus on their health and illnesses for attention or for diverting their attention off of their theray work. So the first question therapists ask when they notice a client focusing on health related stuff and physical illnesses is about mid life crisis type questions. those type of questions are easier for the client to admit to then admitting to focusing on health for attention or for diversion. If you had continued with therapy and followed and answered her questions of no on the mid life type questions she would have followed with the more in depth questions to find out if you were focusing on illnesses because you wanted attention or to divert her from talking about your mental problems.

Sometimes in the past I have had therapists that have sarcastically appeared happy about a problem of mine because Im not the type that will go on and on about a problem, in fact tha therapist found out about what was going on after the fact and after I found the solution for myself. So sometimes when I did come to her for help on something she would pull this sarcastic upbeat and ever so happy routine because I actually had a problem and was coming to her for help on it.

[Radford]

I don't feel like going to a new therapist. I'm thinking it's just a waste of time,money and energy.I feel sick most of the time.My problems are complicated. I think I will need a miracle to get well.My problems are not just psychological,they are also physical.I think that maybe God is really my best bet. Some of the problems in life are just unsolvable.Humans have limitations and doctors cannot cure everyone.God is really the only one who can help me the most and not human beings.God is the answer.

[JustBen]

What misfortune do you think your therapist was celebrating? Your health problems? Your not living life to the fullest? Your health-consciousness? Based on what you've said, it doesn't sound to me like she was really celebrating your misfortune. People smirk for lots of reasons--you'll never know what that was all about until you ask her. Is it really fair to assume the worst without giving her a chance to explain?

I think God works in lots of ways. God works miracles, and God works through ordinary channels. It sounds like you're demanding that God work a miracle for you--just change you somehow and make you better like magic. God can do that, but usually He chooses to work through ordinary channels--doctors, therapists, friends, etc. Why? Who knows. That's his call. Maybe there's something about the experience He wants you to learn from. Maybe there's someone you're going to encounter that He thinks could learn from you. Sorry if I sound preachy. Pray for miracles, but keep the door open for ordinary miracles, too.

[jennie]

i'm sorry you felt hurt.

if your concern for your health is considered an "unhealthy" concern (you are stuck in worry, not able to be productive in recovery), then what your therapist said to you might of be accurrate, huh? she was probably challenging you to step out of your comfort zone, risk change. i doubt she meant to hurt your feelings. usually, a therapist will only make smart-*** statements to a patient if the conselor believes the patient will benefit from hearing such a statement. consider asking her next session how that comment is supposed to help you.

[Radford]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
JustBen said:
What misfortune do you think your therapist was celebrating? Your health problems? Your not living life to the fullest? Your health-consciousness? Based on what you've said, it doesn't sound to me like she was really celebrating your misfortune. People smirk for lots of reasons--you'll never know what that was all about until you ask her. Is it really fair to assume the worst without giving her a chance to explain?

I think God works in lots of ways. God works miracles, and God works through ordinary channels. It sounds like you're demanding that God work a miracle for you--just change you somehow and make you better like magic. God can do that, but usually He chooses to work through ordinary channels--doctors, therapists, friends, etc. Why? Who knows. That's his call. Maybe there's something about the experience He wants you to learn from. Maybe there's someone you're going to encounter that He thinks could learn from you. Sorry if I sound preachy. Pray for miracles, but keep the door open for ordinary miracles, too.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
To:JustBen
This is from Jeannie Riseman,MSW
Speech given at the May 8,2004 Survivorship East Coast Conference
EVALUATING THERAPISTS AND THERAPY
"A therapist should NEVER:
SHAME you,HUMILIATE you,CALL you NAMES,PUT you DOWN.Now you don't have to TAKE THIS from ANYBODY, and ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A THERAPIST WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR SIDE.
I'm totally irrevocably opinioned on these three points:
no sex,no violence,NO PUT-DOWNS."

[kimmydawn]

If my t were to look at me and say, "Maybe you're concerned alot for your health because you haven't lived your life to the fullest?"

I would interpret is as my t knowing I have alot of life left to live and that it's totally appropriate to be concerned for health and being as healthy as I can. It would seem to me that t was justifying my right to appropriate concern.

Just another viewpoint...

Ogie, I wish you well. I hope you talk this over with t. There have been several things that t has said where I didn't understand the full meaning because something he said jumped out at me and I tended to focus on that and not the context in which it was given. I've always been glad to discuss it afterward.

I hope things work out.

KD

[SeptemberMorn]

Maybe your T thinks that you waste too much time and energy being concerned for your health and are foregoing other good things in life.

I agree with Ben. God can and does perform miracles, but He'd rather us "go through" a problem so that we gain endurace and learn from our experiences.

I feel that you need to communicate with your T and clear things up for yourself. I seriously doubt she was "gloating." Most therapists take that job because of an inherent need to help others.

I may be wrong, but maybe she felt you needed some kind of a challenge or a shock to move you out of a place where you are stuck. This is what Ben refers to as "an ordinary miracle."

[mlyn]

I can always assume anything and that always ends up making an *** of u and me (*** u me)
Is always best to talk to person have difficulty with instead of assuming what was meant by what was said. My assuming is way out of line 9 times out of 10.
Just food for thaught.
mlyn

[JustBen]

I'm in complete agreement with you and Ms. Riseman, Ogie. I'm just not sure that your therapist has shamed you, humiliated you, called you names, or put you down. All I know is that she asked you a question you didn't like and smirked. Maybe the smirk was ill-intentioned, but maybe not. I can tell you're hurt by what your therapist said and did, but doesn't your therapist's intention matter at all? Isn't it worth checking out?

To use another example, what if I felt really attacked and shamed by your response in this thread because I thought you were implying that I support shaming people? Would it be okay for me to just assume the worst about you without checking it out first? Should I just quit talking to you and not give you a chance to explain what you meant?

[(JD)]

It reads to me like your T is really a caring individual. It was a question, the way you wrote it as said, not a celebration. What good would a therapist be if they didn't ask us questions so we could work through issues? Don't we go to therapy for an objective viewpoint outside of ourselves? Of course, I do! If I were thinking correctly all the time, I wouldn't need therapy. I surmise you might feel the same way.

Please don't give up on yourself so easily. Therapy is hard work. Discussing a misunderstanding is a good therapy issue, as you have an opportunity to learn and discuss it. IRL you might just go your way and not realize you misunderstood. TC

[JustBen]

If you talk to your therapist, one of two things are going to happen:

1. She admits that she was trying to shame you in some way.
(In this case, you're no worse off than you are now by just assuming this. And hey, at least you know.)

2. She explains that there was a misunderstanding. You get a better look at things and the relationship with your therapist improves.

You've got nothing to lose, really. I'm done "selling" now

[Gracey]

You know, you have made several refernces to God healing you, so I had to comment. I am reminded of the story of the man who was drowing, and a boat came by and said, "let us help you, get in the boat" and the man said, "No, God will save me." Next a heliocopter showed up and they said, "Let us help you, get in the basket and we'll pull you up" and the man said, "No, God will save me." Dude drowns, dies and goes to heaven. He is pissed, so he asks God, "WHY didn't YOU save me?" God rolls His eyes and says, "I sent you a boat AND a heliocopter, what else did you want?"

Your therapists job is NOT to be your buddy, your pal, your feel good companion or your best friend. They are paid to give you the truth and help guide you into finding your own path through this journey called life. I don't see what your T said as being mean or his celebrating your misfortune, but even sick, there is still a lot of life to live. When I was going through chemo, I often felt like giving up b/c there didn't seem to be a point. My T pointed out to me that there was a lot of life left for me. . .I hear a similar sentiment in your T's words.

Life is about perception hon. . .how do you perceive the world around you? Are you still a victim, helpless and unable to make your own way? Does everything that someone says push your buttons? If you perceive what your T said as mean or callous, then without confronting him about it, you really aren't going to have any peace and this little "burr" will grow and grow until it destroys the relationship. It seems to me that you are fortunate to have a T who cares about your quality of life.