[rainbow8]

My session was so triggering that I blew it! I called T on the way home and left a message. I just emailed her too! The somatic experiencing is too hard! She wants me in my body, not my head. I feel like she's not there for me any more. I'm angry and sad. I miss her more than before my session. I'm not doing well and I know it.

[WikidPissah]

Ok, so you blew it. Big deal, everyone screws up occasionally. You don't have to go under from it, catch yourself before you tip too far. You can do it Rainbow.

Rainbow, it seems like you are fighting a huge battle with yourself. i think you should step back and give yourself a break. you have been trying so hard and i am so proud of you. i think you need to proud of yourself for trying so hard and accomplishing so much. i tend to think of progress in baby steps.
thinking of you and sending lots of safe hugs

[rainbow8]

I want my T the way she used to be.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

Rainbow, it seems like you are fighting a huge battle with yourself. i think you should step back and give yourself a break. you have been trying so hard and i am so proud of you. i think you need to proud of yourself for trying so hard and accomplishing so much. i tend to think of progress in baby steps.
thinking of you and sending lots of safe hugs

I was about to write just this when I saw the post already. thanks jbmomg!

Rainbow, give yourself some time. breathe carefully. you ARE doing well. It's just not a linear process. not meaning to minimize at all, your pain is obvious (I wish I could help it). hang in there.

backsliding on things like this is text book... its ok...you can start again, now.

[seventyeight]

oh i know that feeling all too well.. going to therapy feeling fine, and then leaving all messed up and missing my therapist. i don't have any words of advice, other than try not to be too hard on yourself. so you called her - well that's what she's there for! and the emailing is something you've been struggling with, so give yourself a break on that one too. i don't think you "blew it" at all.

[Miswimmy1]

everyone makes mistakes. The climb isn't a straight road, its more like canyons and mountains. Don't be too hard on yourself- think of it as a detour... Maybe one that you didn't want to take, but you aren't backtracking...

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Rainbow ))))

I remember when I was going through quite a few crisis situations a couple years ago and slipped into a deep depression. My T was so caring towards me....and now that I've grown somewhat, I feel as though my T is no longer there for me in that capacity.

I'd imagine that with the growth and changes that you're working towards, perhaps there's some fear that your relationship with T will change as a result.

Try not to be kind to yourself. (( HUGS ))

[Chopin99]

Rainbow, you made a mistake. It's okay. You are owning up to the mistake. Now move forward from the mistake. Get back up on the horse. I know you can do it. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[Brightheart]

Dear Rainbow, I hear your frustration.

What would you say to a friend who had posted something similar? Can you treat yourself with the same kindness? I know it's hard, but maybe you can find a space for self-compassion for you. This is hard work you are doing. Maybe go for a walk or do something that brings you pleasure. ((((hugs))))

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Ok, so you blew it. Big deal, everyone screws up occasionally. You don't have to go under from it, catch yourself before you tip too far. You can do it Rainbow.

Thanks, Wiki. But I just finished telling T how proud of myself I felt for not emailing her anything except the date when she changed my session. Now I don't care because I need her and she's not there.

Originally Posted by jbmomg

Rainbow, it seems like you are fighting a huge battle with yourself. i think you should step back and give yourself a break. you have been trying so hard and i am so proud of you. i think you need to proud of yourself for trying so hard and accomplishing so much. i tend to think of progress in baby steps.
thinking of you and sending lots of safe hugs

Yes, I AM fighting a huge battle with myself. I will try to think of it as baby steps and that it's okay to slip back a little. Thank you.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I was about to write just this when I saw the post already. thanks jbmomg!

Rainbow, give yourself some time. breathe carefully. you ARE doing well. It's just not a linear process. not meaning to minimize at all, your pain is obvious (I wish I could help it). hang in there.

Thanks, SAWE. I thought I could continue the way I was going but something snapped because I sense T pulling away from me.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

backsliding on things like this is text book... its ok...you can start again, now.

Thanks, Lola. I hope you're right. I told T that if I wrote one line I'd want to write more, and that's what I did after the session. I don't think she will answer me. She did say in the session that she wants to talk to my DBT leader. That made me feel good in a sad way.

Originally Posted by seventyeight

oh i know that feeling all too well.. going to therapy feeling fine, and then leaving all messed up and missing my therapist. i don't have any words of advice, other than try not to be too hard on yourself. so you called her - well that's what she's there for! and the emailing is something you've been struggling with, so give yourself a break on that one too. i don't think you "blew it" at all.

My T doesn't want phone calls unless it's urgent, and I didn't even ask her to call me back. I wish she would email me. I told her in the session how I have all her emails and mine and sometimes I read them. She seemed embarrassed about that. I said they help me when I read them.

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

everyone makes mistakes. The climb isn't a straight road, its more like canyons and mountains. Don't be too hard on yourself- think of it as a detour... Maybe one that you didn't want to take, but you aren't backtracking...

Thanks. I took a detour. I like that.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( Rainbow ))))

I remember when I was going through quite a few crisis situations a couple years ago and slipped into a deep depression. My T was so caring towards me....and now that I've grown somewhat, I feel as though my T is no longer there for me in that capacity.

I'd imagine that with the growth and changes that you're working towards, perhaps there's some fear that your relationship with T will change as a result.

Try not to be kind to yourself. (( HUGS ))

I think T HAS changed already. When I said something about her, she acknowledged it and went on to what we were doing. That makes me cry, though I couldn't cry during my session, of course. My critics will say that's her job, and I just have to suffer if I want to grow, so you are all right. You can see me suffering now. I'm not being sarcastic; I'm just telling it like it is.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Rainbow, you made a mistake. It's okay. You are owning up to the mistake. Now move forward from the mistake. Get back up on the horse. I know you can do it. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I'll try, but I want to email her more. I want her to answer me. I want a better hug than I got from her. I want her to hold my hand. I didn't even ask. I want to stop liking her hair and her smile. I hate that part of myself.

Originally Posted by Brightheart

Dear Rainbow, I hear your frustration.

What would you say to a friend who had posted something similar? Can you treat yourself with the same kindness? I know it's hard, but maybe you can find a space for self-compassion for you. This is hard work you are doing. Maybe go for a walk or do something that brings you pleasure. ((((hugs))))

I will try to be compassionate towards myself. I'm tired of trying, though. I'm worn out, and I want my T to comfort me, but she won't. I told her at the end of the session that it felt like those arrows I used to say about my former T, and she said "my intention is not to make you feel that way" or not to hurt me, or something like that.

[Brightheart]

Rainbow, I sense a younger part of you who is screaming out right now. I do think it's important that she has a voice too. I can totally relate with feeling frustrated when you want something and aren't getting it. All of us have needs and limitations can be very tough. Can you find a way to comfort this part of yourself? I'm listening and I hear her. (((Gentle hugs to all your parts)))

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Brightheart

Rainbow, I sense a younger part of you who is screaming out right now. I do think it's important that she has a voice too. I can totally relate with feeling frustrated when you want something and aren't getting it. All of us have needs and limitations can be very tough. Can you find a way to comfort this part of yourself? I'm listening and I hear her. (((Gentle hugs to all your parts)))

Yes, it's a younger part because my T didn't let those parts talk today. They have in the past but the somatic experiencing is all about my body. I spent the first half of the session talking about the DBT group and my H, so I was "adult" there. I have to remember how to comfort my own child parts. I forgot! I didn't use DBT skills yet either, except for one. Opposite action, I think it's called. I had somewhere to go after the session, and I didn't feel like going at all, but I did. I couldn't go to the lake, though. I chose something that was with a group of women near my house, not the lake. I am doing the butterfly hug--when I stop typing. T taught me that from the EMDR book.

Thanks for being here!

[adel34]

Hi Rainbow,
I'm so sorry the session was so hard today! I was hoping you guys would have a nice connecting session after these past couple weeks. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way.
Maybe t was just having a bad day? And that's why she seemed more far away? Don't worry about e-mailing you've been doing so well with that, that having a slip up is normal. I'm sure that if you guys can talk on the phone, or even just have a better session next time then you'll be back moving forward again. Thinking of you!
Great that she wants to talk with the DBT leader so the

[rainbow8]

I don't think my T is going to answer me back. No reason why she should "blow it" too, is there? I wrote about my session being triggering on my diary card for DBT. I need help with knowing how to manage my feelings, so I think I'm in the right class.

I'm crying again. I'm glad I can cry about it. I think you can say I'm facing my issues. I wish I knew why it hurts so much to be with my T and have it be about only me. If it's transference for my Mom, it could be that I miss her, or the child rainbow misses her. But when I looked at my T, I only saw HER, my T. I can't take these feelings anymore but I know I have to.

Some of you will say "She has a H, kids, grandkids, and a good life", so what does she have to cry about? What's the big deal about looking at my T and feeling so angry and sad? Well, it's a big deal for me and I feel very sad and unhappy right now.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't think my T is going to answer me back(

You know she wont because , how would you take that message? honestly...

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by adel34

Hi Rainbow,
I'm so sorry the session was so hard today! I was hoping you guys would have a nice connecting session after these past couple weeks. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way.
Maybe t was just having a bad day? And that's why she seemed more far away? Don't worry about e-mailing you've been doing so well with that, that having a slip up is normal. I'm sure that if you guys can talk on the phone, or even just have a better session next time then you'll be back moving forward again. Thinking of you!
Great that she wants to talk with the DBT leader so the

Thanks so much for answering. I know you have a lot going on and you're tired! I read your thread and will respond when I can.

I don't think t is having a bad day. Since I decided not to email, and to join a DBT group, she's being firmer with me. She didn't tell me that but I feel it. I know it. She wants to help me to help myself, but I'm fighting myself, as others have pointed out. It's hard to change something I've done for my whole life!! I don't like this somatic experiencing stuff she's doing but I agree it might help me. I'd rather talk and she wants to do this instead.

I hope the DBT leader will want to talk with my T. I don't know if that's allowed, encouraged, or frowned upon.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

You know she wont because , how would you take that message? honestly...

i never posted what I emailed T. Here it is:

T,

I don't care if I call or email. It's too hard for me to keep my feelings inside and do that SE instead. I hate it! Now all of my body hurts and I'm crying. You aren't there for my parts anymore! I don't know what to do, but for sure I have something to write on my diary card. The whole session was triggering!

I CAN'T be as strong as you want me to be. Not right now. I'm going to class, (not the DBT class). In 5 minutes. That's using the DBT skill of opposite of what I want to do.

Will it ruin everything if you write back?
I still miss you even though I was there looking at you. It hurts more.
It hurts all over but my feet are on the ground.
I still don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't want to need you but I do.

Please help.

rainbow

Originally Posted by rainbow8

i never posted what I emailed T. Here it is:

T,

I don't care if I call or email. It's too hard for me to keep my feelings inside and do that SE instead. I hate it! Now all of my body hurts and I'm crying. You aren't there for my parts anymore! I don't know what to do, but for sure I have something to write on my diary card. The whole session was triggering!

I CAN'T be as strong as you want me to be. Not right now. I'm going to class, (not the DBT class). In 5 minutes. That's using the DBT skill of opposite of what I want to do.

Will it ruin everything if you write back?
I still miss you even though I was there looking at you. It hurts more.
It hurts all over but my feet are on the ground.
I still don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't want to need you but I do.

Please help.

rainbow

Its probably hurting her NOT to be able to reach out to you and that email was exactly like i thought it would sound.... you are wanting to elicit a response so it makes your reaching out OK...when you both agreeded its not... I know it hurts honey but T's are smart, I don't think she will bite...buts its because she is doing whats in YOUR best interest.

[adel34]

Hi Rainbow,
That makes sense about her being firmer with you after agreeing about the not e-mailing and doing the DBT group. I would hope that she and the DBT leader will talk. I know with me and all these places I'm going to they want to talk to your therapist and any other person you're working with. So yeah, hopefully that will help.
I agree with Lola. I'm sure it's just as hard for her not to respond if that helps at all. Good for you for going to the class today. I'm sure the DBT people will be proud!

[rainbow_rose]

rainbow, everyone has said such good things. i don't see this a blowing it... look how much work you have done on this issue. this does not make it a fail. plus, you know you can do it so there's much less unknown about that.

be kind to rainbow. she's kinda nice.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My session was so triggering that I blew it! The somatic experiencing is too hard! She wants me in my body, not my head. I feel like she's not there for me any more. I'm angry and sad. I miss her more than before my session. I'm not doing well and I know it.

Rainbow, it sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Good work! You know that when it hurts that there is something that needs to be healed there. Maybe tuning into your body is tuning into reality instead of the fantasy T relationship that you have going in your head. You can do this!

[ECHOES]

Hugs and more Hugs, rainbow I'm so sorry you are feeling sad and wanting your T so much it hurts. I don't think you blew it, I think it feels like something blew up and that your feelings are so intense, as if they are blown up, too.

[adel34]

I agree with Rose, Rainbow is awesome!