I blew it!

Whether it's good for me or not, my T replied with "If you're still feeling this way tomorrow, give me a call. Hopefully you will feel better." I'm glad she answered me. I know what I need to work on but I think it's too drastic a change for me all at once. I have to get used to the somatic experiencing too, which is very hard for me. The rules are to help me but not to the extent of making me totally miserable. I will try not to have to call her.

Thanks again, adel. The DBT leader didn't indicate that she needed to talk to my T but I hope she will agree to, since my T wants to talk to her!

Rainbow_rose, you are SO sweet. Thank you! I've been looking at it in black/white thinking. I failed. That's why I don't do a lot of things in my life. If it's not perfect, I think I failed.

Yes, the SE is about me though I was doing it about how I felt about my T, at least for some of the time. Maybe what bothers me is that T now makes my feelings for her so clinical, I guess is the word. The hurt is very deep. I wish I could understand it better.

Thank you, ECHOES. I do feel like something blew up and exploded! I couldn't take it any more but I have to! I'm feeling better because I went out tonight, but I'm still sad and grieving.

Aw, adel. You're pretty awesome yourself!

Are you really so sure she has changed?
Or could it be that you have changed?

Sometimes I need more from T, sometimes less.
When I need more, I see her as cold.
When I need less, I see her as warm.

I don't think she really changes at all.

PS:

I guess this is a valuable lesson. Not something I want to learn, however!

My instinct, which isn't really worth a whole lot because I am not you, is that the next step for you is to learn to tolerate these more intense feelings. I feel like the others who say that a slip is not a tragedy or an excuse to more broadly revert to old patterns.

It's like I do with my 11 year old, in developmental stages, particularly with jumping to his requests. When he was 2, I said, wait one minute and I will get or do X for you. Now I say, wait 20 minutes and then I will be able to do that with you, or for you. Just because you are feeling different things or they feel stronger doesn't mean you can't handle them. You are stronger than you were, you can sit with them longer. I think you need to build up your strength more and see if you can sit with it longer until you seek relief by contacting your T.

Also, you may be able to tolerate misery. I think it will give you important information if you sit with it and let it inform you rather than pushing it away by going for the instant fix or gratification of your old patterns. The same is true of body sensations, consider that they may be coming to the surface to teach you something.

You are continuing to move forward, even if it seems like you are not. Nothing is wasted and progress is rarely linear. Take good care.

otoh, maybe your body is telling you something. why should you have to train yourself to withstand more misery? what is this, the dark ages? your marriage is a marriage of convenience, in name only. neither of you is really interested in putting any effort into reviving the r/s. Your H is out EVERY evening doing who knows what. You're attracted to women. Have a fling already. You only live once.

You're wrong about my H, hankster. I don't want to give details online, but I know 100% what my H is doing all evening, and it is all GOOD. I have to stand up for my H in this case!! But thanks. I DO have to listen to my body, which is hard for me. Have to run to yoga now. Will write more later.

Well I'm glad she responded.

Rainbow, I don't know anything about SE, but I agree that it makes sense to sit with painful or angry feelings without acting on them.

I hope we can respect and support Rainbow.

Hi Rainbow,

I agree with the others. You are NOT a failure! You have been doing very hard work on yourself! I am proud of you!

The ironic thing is that progress doesn't always feel good. But as you move through your painful issues and grow, you will feel stronger bit by bit. It will get easier to learn patience, and to tolerate painful emotions. It won't feel this bad always. It will get easier.

I'm glad your t gave a short reply. I think she is doing her very best to help you, wants to see you grow, but in no way does she care any less about you. She wants to see how far you can stretch your wings. But if/when you truly get beyond your own ability to cope, she is there.

Hang in there!

Peaches

Thank you, CantExplain. I'm not sure. I think that my T has become more focused on helping me change, so that means she changed a little too. The parts of me who are resisting changing are the ones who need more from her, and she's not giving it. That's tangible; I see it. She's not changing her goal of building up my Self; she's just firmer about it. She's still warm, but she's working with me in a specific way that is less nurturing to me.

Thanks, Anne. Maybe the DBT class will teach me how to tolerate misery. I don't want to be miserable.

Thanks. Me too! I felt better last night before I read her email, but it was nice to know that she is there for me, and doesn't think the rules we set up are cast in stone. That would be too much to bear. I am not going to email or call her after all, though I feel pretty sad when I think about my session.

Thanks. I wonder why it's good to sit with anger or painful feelings. I can see not doing anything destructive, but wouldn't a T be the person to go to with those feelings?

Thanks, Peaches. I hope DBT will teach me those skills. I don't think I ever learned how to tolerate painful emotions. I don't know how to sit with them. It seems impossible to do that.

Hi Rainbow
You didn't blow it at all. I do that kind of therapy and it often leaves you feeling in a bit of a mess. I so feel for you as I too have been trying not to email, but my t says that is my thing not hers and that she is there. If you need to call her do or she wouldn't have offered. In my experience therapists rarely offer something they don't mean. You sound like you have been really brave and sometimes taking a risk in the session makes us feel worse, but hopefully this will all pay off for you. It is just working out how to cope while it does that is so tricky. Am thinking of you. Hang on in there

Thanks, willowleaf. Do you mean you do SE? Please, can I talk to you about it via PM?

Hi Rainbow
I have been reading your threads and I don't really have much to offer as you have gotten lots of feedback and I have never done DBT or any of that. One thing that you said though I want to comment on.
In one of your replies above you said "I don't want to be miserable."
The thing is honestly no one wants to be miserable but it isn't a permanent condition. You need to learn to tolerate the negative feelings and trust that they will not last forever. I would guess that after you learn to tolerate them that it will become more manageable. I wish you luck in all of this.

Hi Rainbow,
Yes feel free. I have body psychotherapy which I am pretty sure includes similar thing. My t spends her whole time trying to get me out of my head!

Hi rainbow

I was thinking today that perhaps the problem is that the demands of therapy are out of sync with your actual skills? It sounds like the Somatic Experiencing your T is so keen on is about really getting in touch with your feelings, but you haven't yet got to the Emotion Regulation skills in DBT, which would equip you to actually handle the feelings. In fact, you haven't even done the distress tolerance module yet, which would help you to soothe yourself and to develop crisis survival skills. I don't know how much your T knows about DBT, or about the planned timetable for your group, but it might be valuable for her to link up with them as she suggested.

Sitting with your feelings might offer you a way to cope during times when your T is not available. You know yourself best, though, Rainbow, and what works for you.

Take care. I hope you feel better.

Thank you, murray. I suppose I do tolerate negative feelings now that I think about it. I obsess about them and then I distract myself. Distraction seems to be the only method that works for me, but it doesn't work so well.

Thanks for the practical advice, minneymouse. I think you're right. I have done a lot of mindfulness but I agree I need the distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills. I have read all the DBT handouts in the past. Most recently I read them last year about this time, but I haven't tried to use them, except for distraction, which I have always done on my own. I have DBT tomorrow; I will tell the leader that my T wants to talk with her. I don't know why but I'm a little nervous about asking her/telling her. She won't say no, will she?

Thank you for caring, Brightheart. I do feel better today. I had yoga and my yoga teacher is almost like a T! I love that class!

I want to sit with my feelings if that is going to helpful. I just don't know HOW. When I have done that in the past, I obsess or ruminate (DBT leader likes that word better) and then I finally distract myself with a book or some activity. Is that "sitting with my feelings," or does it mean something else?

rainbow, I think your T's response was beautiful. She is there for you has faith in you.

Yes, I agree. She let me know that she is available but at the same time gave me confidence that I will feel better, and I did feel better.

The reason I brought it up, Rainbow, is because I'm working on it too. I tend to attach insecurely and have a need for frequent reassurance from my friends that "things are okay." I tend to worry a lot if there is any period of time with no contact. I experience distress (even in my friendships) if there has been no contact. I feel painful urges to connect and then fight this pain. I have found that breathing and sitting with it, instead of panicking and acting out, helps me to calm myself down. It's centering and grounding and good to know that I am capable of self-care. It's also good to know that the distressful feelings, though uncomfortable, will not harm me and they will pass. I don't always needs to respond behaviorally and/or be reactive in response to them.

I'm glad you went to yoga. I've recently learned to meditate. I find it helpful during times of stress.

Take care, Rainbow.

Has your T changed or simply her approach to things? T is still warm, caring, etc. she just changed how she shows it perhaps. Something to think about.

there is a concept in psychotherapy - I believe it is called "optimal frustration".

At this state of frustration, the client is very upset and frustrated at the perceived witholding of soothing/emotion/caring from the therapist that they have to learn to develop self-soothing skills.

Children go through this stage as well and it is essential for normal individuation from the parent (or something like that). Yes, at first the emotion and the crying get stronger and louder, but the child will learn,

If, and I'm not saying she is, but if your therapist is withdrawing, then it would be a very natural, organic thing for her to do - and, in the long run, potentially essential in breaking your self-reported pattern.

This phase in therapy is obviously very hard for you, but hopefully you can see it through to its resolution. There could be a whole new world on the other side.

I had a severely abused horse that I was rehabbing. She had huge fear issues being tied up. After a lot of work, as long as I was right there with her, she was really calm even when tied. If I moved away, she became very anxious. If I got out of sight, she would actually start rearing and freaking out. I had to carefully begin to go away for only a few seconds at a time. A few days later, I would go a bit further. Later, I would go to the other side of the trailer where she couldn't see me. Eventually, she was fine with me going into the garage or just wandering around the yard. However, after a year of work, at our first overnight camping trip, she STILL kept untying herself and coming to find me in the campground. The new place just made her so anxious, she couldn't stand there tied, even with her best horse friend beside her.

My point (and I do have one ) in that long story is that changing behaviors and the emotions associated with them is a PROCESS. It involves one party being able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and the person helping being able to assess how much is too much discomfort. If I let my horse get too uncomfortable, she would blow up and potentially hurt herself and others. So, rainbow, good job working on this, and maybe just consider that your T was, figuratively speaking, out of sight too long for your current ability to tolerate the distress, and maybe work on more slowly increasing your emotional space while working on your skills in handling the distress.