[Fixated]

I can either go into session today and tell T that I am frustrated by all the scheduling changes/cancellations/forgetting when we usually meet (she doesn't miss the appointments though)

or

I can go in and show her the scrapbook from my trip which I took to our last session but couldn't show her, and we ended up arguing about it a bit.

These are opposite scenarios as this first would probably lead to a bit of tension and me expressing discontent. The second would be a close session with T.

I went to bed thinking for sure there was no way I wanted to be close to T today, but I've just woken up and am unsure.

Any tips or guidance?

Why cant you do both?

If your T hasn't really missed your sessions (wasn't this about your feelings being bruised because she had a brain fart and didn't remember the exact day and time of your appointment?), and there really hasn't been any lapse in her treatment, what is to really be gained by holding on to this resentment? People sometimes have lapses in memory; that isn't an indictment on your worth. Talk to her about it if you can't let it go, but sometimes we have to choose the path toward closeness intentionally rather than choosing the path toward further discontent and tension.

I know we should all feel free to express our angers and frustrations with our T's, and if that is what you need to do to heal this wound for you, then by all means talk to her about it. I just wonder if, in this case, doing that is just a way for you to push her further away and keep a distance instead of healing and moving forward. Evaluate your intentions closely and decide what will be the path toward healing and moving forward. Maybe BOTH can happen. Nothing says the conversation about the memory lapse has to consume your whole session, right? You could express your feelings AND move on to the scrapbook in the same session.

[pbutton]

I'd do both.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

If your T hasn't really missed your sessions (wasn't this about your feelings being bruised because she had a brain fart and didn't remember the exact day and time of your appointment?), and there really hasn't been any lapse in her treatment, what is to really be gained by holding on to this resentment?

Maybe BOTH can happen. Nothing says the conversation about the memory lapse has to consume your whole session, right? You could express your feelings AND move on to the scrapbook in the same session.

This is frustration at the fact that at least once a month, my Friday appointments get cancelled and/or T needs to change the time. This happened again yesterday. I've tried hard to let it go all these months, but it does make me feel like a second-class citizen, so I feel I need to say something to clear the air.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I'd do both.

I didn't think it was possible for both....having a negative and a positive in the same session. I also don't know how long showing her my scrapbook will take, so I wanted to give as much time as possible.

Maybe I can do both though. Maybe you guys are right. I could start off by saying, 'I want to show you my scrapbook today, but first I just want you to know that I'm frustrating by all the scheduling changes and cancellations"

Originally Posted by Fixated

This is frustration at the fact that at least once a month, my Friday appointments get cancelled and/or T needs to change the time. This happened again yesterday. I've tried hard to let it go all these months, but it does make me feel like a second-class citizen, so I feel I need to say something to clear the air.

Okay. I get that. Friday appointments would probably be prone to that I'd think; kind of likely Monday appointments with all the legal holidays. Certainly worth talking about and perhaps looking for a solution. Maybe a different day, or earlier in the day on Friday if the cancelling seems to be the result of her starting her weekends early or maybe she has meetings? Just guessing. If these are cancellations she can foresee, asking for a bit more notice so your appointment on those particular weeks can be moved might be an option.

You need to be willing to find a compromise/plan together. Are you willing to do that? Remember, her cancelling ISN'T about you; it is about her and her schedule. She isn't making a comment on your worth by her cancelling. She doesn't say, "Let me make fixated feel like a second class citizen today. I think I'll just change her appointment to show her how worthless she is." You know that, but you feel something different. Explain that to her so it is out of your head and into hers, and then find a way to work with it/around it, and choose to move on -- to the scrapbook.

Originally Posted by Fixated

Maybe I can do both though. Maybe you guys are right. I could start off by saying, 'I want to show you my scrapbook today, but first I just want you to know that I'm frustrating by all the scheduling changes and cancellations"

This sounds like a good plan. The frustration conversation probably wont take that long and you can end on a good note with the scrapbook.

[mixedup_emotions]

I like the idea of doing both....and starting with that statement. If you decide during the course of that conversation that the scrapbook piece just isn't going to work, then you can hold off until your next session. It's important that you work through the scheduling piece and the feelings that it conjures up for you. And the scrapbook may be a good way to help bring you closer together after you've worked through the other piece.

[~EnlightenMe~]

[QUOTE=farmergirl;2622696]If your T hasn't really missed your sessions (wasn't this about your feelings being bruised because she had a brain fart and didn't remember the exact day and time of your appointment?), and there really hasn't been any lapse in her treatment, what is to really be gained by holding on to this resentment? People sometimes have lapses in memory; that isn't an indictment on your worth. Talk to her about it if you can't let it go, but sometimes we have to choose the path toward closeness intentionally rather than choosing the path toward further discontent and tension.

I know we should all feel free to express our angers and frustrations with our T's, and if that is what you need to do to heal this wound for you, then by all means talk to her about it. I just wonder if, in this case, doing that is just a way for you to push her further away and keep a distance instead of healing and moving forward. Evaluate your intentions closely and decide what will be the path toward healing and moving forward. Maybe BOTH can happen. Nothing says the conversation about the memory lapse has to consume your whole session, right? You could express your feelings AND move on to the scrapbook in the same session.[/QU

Farmer, many times in therapy, if the therapist forgets appointment times, etc. , and a patient geets their feelings "bruised" as you say, it could be well wotrh a whole session time to talk about it. When mylast xt forgot to schedule me, I was hurt, and I'm glad my T didn't dismiss it as being just me not accepting the human part of T because after talking I told him I wasn't angry at him be ause he forgot me, I was angry at me for being forgettable. Everything isnt as superficial as it may seem.

[quote=Antimatter;2623014Farmer, many times in therapy, if the therapist forgets appointment times, etc. , and a patient geets their feelings "bruised" as you say, it could be well wotrh a whole session time to talk about it. When mylast xt forgot to schedule me, I was hurt, and I'm glad my T didn't dismiss it as being just me not accepting the human part of T because after talking I told him I wasn't angry at him be ause he forgot me, I was angry at me for being forgettable. Everything isnt as superficial as it may seem.[/quote]
That's fine if that's the case. Not saying it isn't. Obviously, that's something that fixated will need to do some introspection on and decide in the moment.

[sesame]

I think there's an easier way to bring this up without putting tension between the two of you.

Firstly, I'd say to start with the scrapbooking thing.

Then, when you're making your next appointment, or even toward the end of the session, perhaps you could say something like "I noticed that when we make appointments on Fridays, you seem to need to reschedule a lot. Is that day not working for you?"

[wotchermuggle]

I would be kindly blunt about the scheduling. If it were me, I'd say something like, "Can I ask you something? Would it be possible to change the day of our session by any chance? I end up feeling anxious about whether or not I can depend on a Friday session because sometimes you need you reschedule and I was wondering if there was a way around this?"

Then for the scrap-booking thing, I'd ask if I could share something that I was looking forward to sharing last week, but didn't.

I find a lot of the time, if you're kind and ask, it makes it hard for someone to tell you no and/or it kills any sense of defensiveness from occurring and spinning the session into frustration.

[Fixated]

I want to thank everyone for their help this morning.

Sadly, I wasn't able to do both. I sat in my car with my scrapbook in my lap, but I couldn't get out of the car with it. The thought of showing it to my T, the awkwardness, and the potential for judgement and foolishness were very overwhelming. My hands were shaky, and I felt like I was going to hurl. Any time I tried to get out of the car, it was like all the blood rushed to my head and was pounding in my ears.

I finally said 'forget the scrapbook' and got out of the car. I was already 5 minutes late. T asked/mentioned that I didn't have the book. I said I brought it, but lost my nerve to bring it up. I said it was giving me too much anxiety. She said sometimes people do things even though they're anxious about them. I guess I didn't properly convey the amount of panic I felt.

I did mention that I was frustrated by all the cancellations and time changes. She pointed out that two of the five instances of cancellation were due to vacation (which is true, and I hadn't remembered). Again, I don't think I properly conveyed that it made me feel worthless. I just didn't feel safe/comfortable enough to say something that vulnerable. T was kinda just like...'yes, it isn't usual that I have so many scheduling issues, but I don't foresee it being a habit outside of the holiday season'. No sort of apology or anything.

Pretty crap session all together. I think I worked hard to further push T away from me. Idk why she has to keep mentioning her other patients every freaking session. And yet I hate that I'm now the person bothered that she has other patients.

Fixated...we as patients have to be articulate about our feelings. T needs to know exactly how much frustration or anxiety we are having. I hope that at next session you are able to correct T when she tries to minimalize your feelings. It is your session.

[mcl6136]

Actually I think it's good that you showed up.

me....I might have come up with some cockamamie excuse to cancel ...or cooked up an "illness" of some kind.

Keep chugging along.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I would be kindly blunt about the scheduling. If it were me, I'd say something like, "Can I ask you something? Would it be possible to change the day of our session by any chance? I end up feeling anxious about whether or not I can depend on a Friday session because sometimes you need you reschedule and I was wondering if there was a way around this?"

Then for the scrap-booking thing, I'd ask if I could share something that I was looking forward to sharing last week, but didn't.

I find a lot of the time, if you're kind and ask, it makes it hard for someone to tell you no and/or it kills any sense of defensiveness from occurring and spinning the session into frustration.

perfect answer!

[~EnlightenMe~]

She said sometimes people do things even though they're anxious about them.

Did you say, Like Apologize? Why don't you model that for me?

She pointed out that two of the five instances of cancellation were due to vacation

But who's counting right? Tell her that the instances of cancellations not due to vacations were greater than the ones due to vacations. Tell her you would like to see that statistic change in your favor sometime soon.

...'yes, it isn't usual that I have so many scheduling issues, but I don't foresee it being a habit outside of the holiday season'

Did you say, do you foresee anywhere in your crystal ball, "I'm sorry that my unusual scheduling issues have caused you pain/inconvenience and I will be mindful of that in the future." ???

I just didn't feel safe/comfortable enough to say something that vulnerable.

Beautifully articulated! I sense that you didn't expect your T to fall on her knees begging you for forgiveness, but your T at least could have asked, how did that make you feel? Then you could discuss the issues. Instead, her boundary of not apologizing ended up shutting you out and not helping you. This is what you need to tell her next session. Tell her, remember when you said some people do things even if they are anxious? Well, I'm going to do that now.

Tell her what you wrote here. Write it down and read it if you have to. I do hope that you will talk to her about this I don't see that it was you trying hard to push her away from you. If so, it was probably a mixture of you not trusting her and her having an empathic failure moment.

Tell her that you are sick to death of her mentioning her other patients. Tell her that you don't pay her, even for a second, to mention other patients and that you will ask for a refund if she continues to engage in her bad behavior (lol). (Trying to cheer you up

What does she say about the other patients?

Don't hate yourself because you are bothered by other patients. Just think, she's screwing up those other patient's schedules, too, and there is nothing they can do about it.

Add a page to your scrapbook that includes a calendar of the past however many months and put huge big Xs in red over the cancellations. Put beside it a description of how you felt,, or put in a picture of yourself but shrink it in size until it is tiny. Tell her that's how you feel.

Keep us posted. Keep advocating for YOU

A

[Fixated]

Thanks for making me laugh, Antimatter. I think I will definitely bring the apology thing up to eventually. It is just one of those things where she always seems to 'out logic' me. Like whatever I say about it will turn out to be unfounded.

About her other patients....usually just, "Most patients don't mind xyz" or "I've had patients who xyz" or any mention of them in relation to having parts of her schedule. I'm still really trying to understand that her having other patients might not mean I matter less.

Idk....i kinda just feel bleh after this. I told T during session that I was trying to push her away and off of a cliff because she had gotten too close. She then said, "Well, you've succeeded [in pushing me away]." Now I feel bad and want her back again. It's like I can push you away but only if you don't realize or acknowledge it (even though, yes, I did confess to it in this instance)

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

D


Beautifully articulated! I sense that you didn't expect your T to fall on her knees begging you for forgiveness, but your T at least could have asked, how did that make you feel? Then you could discuss the issues. Instead, her boundary of not apologizing ended up shutting you out and not helping you. This is what you need to tell her next session. Tell her, remember when you said some people do things even if they are anxious? Well, I'm going to do that now.

I both agree and disagree with this. The part I agree with is that any client should tell their T anytime they want how they feel about anything. If you are bothered by your T not apologizing for what I'd consider a very normal event of asking to reschedule, then you should tell her.

I don't think that people need to apologize for asking people to accommodate them for scheduling when they go on vacation. My colleagues ask me all the time to accommodate them, it's something people just do for each other, and asking people to give you time off (essentially) is something that people are entitled to do. Your t has a right to go on vacation and she has a right to ask you to accommodate to her schedule, and that includes other people. This is also something my colleagues ask me for. I have a monthly meeting with 5 people in a working and administrative group. We meet at a very inconvenient time for me but at a great time for one guy. Usually I make it anyway. At other times I have asked the group to accommodate me. There is no need to apologize for asking other people to accommodate your schedule, including your vacation.

I don't agree that a T needs to ask you how you feel about anything in particular, but especially not something that really isn't an issue. If someone is upset about a T asking them to accommodate them, then they should tell their T how they feel. But it is not T's job to go poking around and try to guess around about everything. Should she ask every client how they feel about her changing every little thing? The rule in T and it's really a pretty good one, is that we bring our T's the issues we need to raise. Besides, I suspect that even when T's ask about how we feel, most people who aren't yet ready to acknowledge it are not going to admit it. So there is no real opportunity to discuss it unless the client can bring it forward.

Finally, I think that part of the job of the T is to model how we need to learn how to see benign events as benign events and not get upset about things that we should be able to take in stride as reasonable people. T asking us to reschedule for their convenience is a benign event-- it is not about us, it is about T's need to take time off-- and there is no hidden meaning and message about one's worthiness. So I don't think it's something that T should ask us about, as if we should be upset. Their behavior should say, I'm asking you to do this for my schedule, and I hope you can. They shouldn't say, I'm asking to change because I want you to get the message that you are the least special of my clients, and I want to jerk you around and generally make you feel miserable. In fact, I hope you get the message that I don't want to work with you anymore because I'm asking you to switch to a 4am appointment on Sunday.

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Finally, I think that part of the job of the T is to model how we need to learn how to see benign events as benign events and not get upset about things that we should be able to take in stride as reasonable people. T asking us to reschedule for their convenience is a benign event-- it is not about us, it is about T's need to take time off-- and there is no hidden meaning and message about one's worthiness. So I don't think it's something that T should ask us about, as if we should be upset. Their behavior should say, I'm asking you to do this for my schedule, and I hope you can. They shouldn't say, I'm asking to change because I want you to get the message that you are the least special of my clients, and I want to jerk you around and generally make you feel miserable. In fact, I hope you get the message that I don't want to work with you anymore because I'm asking you to switch to a 4am appointment on Sunday.

I agree with you.

My concern with the "tell your T how you feel about everything" philosophy is that it doesn't seem to have a sense of scale. There are some things that are so huge that they require A Very Special Session (cue the sad music). And then there are some things that, I would think, just don't need to be mentioned unless the intention is to just make things complicated. If you tell your therapist everything, then how do they know when you're really twisted up over something?

Fixated, having your appointments on the "book ends" of the work week makes for a precarious existence. Mine are on Mondays. Not only do holidays tend to get me, but so do extended vacations. It sucks. If it's getting to be too much, I would see if you could change your appointment time.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Fixated, having your appointments on the "book ends" of the work week makes for a precarious existence. Mine are on Mondays. Not only do holidays tend to get me, but so do extended vacations. It sucks. If it's getting to be too much, I would see if you could change your appointment time.

The thing is that this really isn't normal for her, so that in and of itself might have contributed to my frustration. In two years, she's never cancelled last minute for illness (or for being sick at all). She takes one, maybe two vacations in the summer and then holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. But ever since I've been back from my trip, it's at least one cancellation a month and a consistent juggling of my time (the time she can see me). This recent cancellation just came at a bad time (yet a convenient one for my 'she doesn't care about me' alter ego).

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by Fixated

The thing is that this really isn't normal for her, so that in and of itself might have contributed to my frustration. In two years, she's never cancelled last minute for illness (or for being sick at all). She takes one, maybe two vacations in the summer and then holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. But ever since I've been back from my trip, it's at least one cancellation a month and a consistent juggling of my time (the time she can see me). This recent cancellation just came at a bad time (yet a convenient one for my 'she doesn't care about me' alter ego).

But she does make time to see you, right? It's not like she cancels and doesn't reschedule.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by autotelica

But she does make time to see you, right? It's not like she cancels and doesn't reschedule.

This time she tried to reschedule. Sometimes she doesn't. She tries to make it up probably half of the time. The thing is that I see her twice a week, so I think she (and many) think that since I still have the other appointment that it isn't as big of a deal to cancel. I tend to look at each appointment as having the same weight as someone who only sees her once a week though. I go twice a week because it is needed, so they are both important to me. Some weeks though, I am in a better place emotionally to handle cancellations.