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#1
Oct 11, 2012, 05:44 PM
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I don't even know where to start, except that i feel heartbroken today.
I disclosed some really heavy stuff in an email to my T yesterday. She responded pretty quick and said and did the right things. But then my self-loathing and guilt at telling her kicked in and a couple of emails later, she said i think we should discuss this in session, let me know if you want to bring your session forward. It felt like a withdrawal on her part, like a subtle "get to F ***, i don't have time for you right now". And omg that just sent me in to overdrive. I sent a *****y email and quit. I am soooooooooooooo angry with her, even tho i have no right to be because she does so much for me. She told me to think about this pattern before deciding to quit. I don't even know why i'm angry at her. But i am. She sent me a message to tell me to take care of myself in light of certain triggering things that are happening in the news. And i feel like saying " WTF do you care whether i look after myself or not?" Which is horrible cos i think she prob does care on some level. The anger and hurt right now is intolerable.  Why am i so horrible? Why am i pushing her away so much. She doesn't deserve the crap i'm throwing at her.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
 adel34, Anonymous32765, bamapsych, geez, granite1, healed84, Miswimmy1, murray, rainbow8
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#2
Oct 11, 2012, 05:52 PM
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Perhaps you (your inner child) are testing T to see if she will be there for you?
Attachment can be really difficult!
__________________
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
 Miswimmy1
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#3
Oct 11, 2012, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
I feel like pushing really really hard because i am angry but i am equally as terrified that i will succeed in pushing her away. I want to push her away because i don't like being emotionally reliant on anyone yet if i succeed at pushing her away i'll be devastated. Yet... what the point of getting attached to someone u see an hour a week. Someone who can quite easily get rid of you and not even care because it's just their job. 
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
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#4
Oct 11, 2012, 06:34 PM
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I agree with geez. This happens many times when I bring up something painful in therapy. It passes. You just have to wait it out. Hopefully your t won't give up and will patiently wait until you have thought, and are ready and wanting to talk about it.
 hang in there
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.  
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#5
Oct 11, 2012, 06:57 PM
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you are not horrible at all and i doubt your T thinks this of you either. i bet you are thinking more horrible thoughts about yourself then your T.i am sure she is just thinking exactally what she said that it would be better to discuss this in session .did you think about taking her up on her offer to meet earlier.it is clear that she sees you are completely in distress. i hope you feel better soon
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT  Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| noodlzzz
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#6
Oct 11, 2012, 07:03 PM
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no i didn't take her up on her offer, what's the point? There's nothing she can do to make it better anyway.
I feel soooooo angry at everything.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
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#7
Oct 11, 2012, 07:07 PM
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hasn't she been able to help you feel a bit less angry and calmer in the past over times when you have been triggered.
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
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#8
Oct 11, 2012, 08:04 PM
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i wish i knew the answer there ... i've been doing some of the same thing i hope you won't quit
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| Asiablue
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#9
Oct 11, 2012, 08:05 PM
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I'm guessing she will be getting rid of me asap.  and i wouldn't blame her, no one can tolerate me.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
| anonymous112713, Miswimmy1
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#10
Oct 11, 2012, 08:24 PM
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I too don't like being emotionally reliant on anyone yet my inner child self craves emotional connection. It sounds like you are having that inner tug of war. You want to push your T away to protect yourself from being/feeling attached to T and to insure your T does go away. If you have a good T (I'm guessing you do) your T will not leave you however if you choose to stop going to T (something I don't recommend) your T has no power to stop you. Being attached is a part of the therapy process. I left my first T thinking I wouldn't be facing attachment with a new therapist and I was wrong. With the second T I started to have an attachment and then things went awry. She wasn't a good T for me and I didn't feel safe with her so the attachment dissolved and I went back to my first T. Please be patient with your feelings and share them with T. Perhaps you should contact T and see about getting your appointment earlier if that's still an option? Eventually it does feel a little less scary. I'm still working on it.
__________________
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
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#11
Oct 11, 2012, 08:44 PM
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Quote:
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| Miswimmy1
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#12
Oct 11, 2012, 10:02 PM
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Quote:
I know it was for me.
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
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#13
Oct 12, 2012, 05:29 AM
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It's just the fear that happens after a vulnerable moment. Your therapist will understand that desire to run, to hit, to lash out. They will get it. To this end, let's look at the facts here, your therapist did not abandon you after your original email. No - in fact, she wanted you to come in and have a session with her. Then, she messaged you to take care of yourself, so she's thinking about you and wanting you to be safe. I see no threat of abandonment there. I see no evidence of her lashing out or trying to hurt you when you are vulnerable. Oh man, do I understand where you are coming from - and your therapist will too. Try to look past the anger and look at your fear. Talk to your therapist about it. This will be okay. It's just fear. You can feel it and carry on anyway. This will be okay.
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......................... |
| CantExplain, Sannah
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#14
Oct 12, 2012, 05:55 AM
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T's generally don't like to get into deep discussion through email. I know this is probably triggering and seems like she is just pushing you away. But she did offer you an earlier appt. I'd take her up on the offer
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| Asiablue
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#15
Oct 12, 2012, 07:49 AM
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I don't think you are doing anything horrible to your T. Quitting and even sending *****y emails is not doing anything to a T. Feeling like you want to send an even *****ier email that suggests your t does not care for you is just a feeling, it's not an action. Even if you were to do that, you're not going to irreparably wound your T or your relationship with her.
I do think you could benefit from gaining some perspective that "heavy stuff" is not the right place for email. It is understandable that you would feel your T withdrawing, but the more accurate interpretation is that she needed to set a boundary with you, for your benefit in processing this, that you need to discuss it in session. I think you know this, and you can just as easily send an email asking to have your session as you did in quitting. I suspect you'll feel better if you do this. I think sometimes when we are angry at T and we feel we are locking horns with them, we are really locking horns without ourselves and I think our T's are secretly pleased and cheering us on. So if all that is stopping you from re-engaging in your therapy is that you think that you've thrown "crap" at her, well I suppose you have, but it is likely part of a process that will lead you somewhere better and it's all in a day's work for a T. Email or whatever and ask to have a session. You don't even have to mention that you quit. |
| Asiablue
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#16
Oct 12, 2012, 08:18 AM
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I don't call it being horrible. I think it's that we sometimes lack the words for our pain and act it out. We want T to know what we're feeling and get frustrated when words fail us. The feelings are so intense we don't know how to regulate them. With time it gets easy to speak the words.
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| Asiablue
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#17
Oct 12, 2012, 04:36 PM
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Thanks, you've all given some great input.
Anne- you are so right, email is definitely not the place for heavy stuff. This has been a lesson for me. I usually communicate best via email and this last email containing the disclosure, really threw me, more than i expected. Bamapsych- I love the push/pull analogy that is exactly what is going on. Elliemay- "fear induced aggression" yep this was also going on, i was scared, i took her comment about discussing this in session as a disinterested and polite "i don't want to talk to you unless we are in session" when in reality it was more likely a safety precaution, considering the context of the disclosure. So i became fearful that she was disgusted or angry with me or bored or a million other negative things. So i struck out at her because anger feels better than hurt.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
| murray
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#18
Oct 12, 2012, 07:23 PM
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I was horrible because I hated my mother and I was projecting that onto T. That's the miracle of transference! But here's the good news. If you get that hate out into the open, you can examine it and find out where it really comes from. And even simpler: your hate will wear itself out and fade away if you give it enough room to do so.
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Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
| Asiablue
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#19
Oct 13, 2012, 10:57 AM
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Had a session with my T this afternoon and omg a weight has lifted off my shoulders and i feel like i can breathe again!
We both agreed that therapy can't happen via email because it's too hard to infer tone and meaning to the written words. That's not to say i can't email, i think i still can but just to keep in mind that if i need her then speaking on the phone or having another session would be better. Totally agree with this and i have learnt my lesson this week. I feel so much better having spoke to her because i can hear in her voice what she feels and thinks and i know she's not angry with me. i will see her again in a few days and we can process some more. I can't tell you the relief i feel right now. Thank you to everyone who helped me process what i was going thru!
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
| pbutton
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| pbutton, rainbow8
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#20
Oct 13, 2012, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
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