The word "professional" triggers me

I'm trying to figure out why it is so triggering to read and say "My T is a professional AND she cares about me." I can't accept the words "professional" and "cares" in the same sentence. I don't have negative experiences with other professionals. I think of other professionals in my life as neutral. So, to me a professional does not CARE about me personally. I can think of "teacher" or "therapist" as caring, but not "professional". The word makes me think of cold and UNcaring, and makes me sad.

I know my T really cares about me and wants what is best for me. She IS professional and caring. But I dislike that word. It makes me angry. Part is because I'm jealous. I don't consider myself a professional. I was always underpaid and never respected at the one job where I really WAS a professional but wasn't treated as such. I cared about my job very much.

I don't know. I'm processing everything and crying. I want to make it better between my T and me. I don't want her to say "maybe you shouldn't come if you feel so bad" again. But, if it's true that therapy makes me worse, she's right. I don't want her to be right. I want to work hard and get through this!

I thought it might get to you, it was getting to me! My t said this week, he was lucky to have this kind of job, where he gets to do stuff like this, ie be there for people? but I do notice a change in myself. even though he's my T, before I couldn't even ask him in a polite way how he was doing - now I can. before, I really was too narcissistic, but I couldn't accept a glass of water. now, I can insist on a clean glass! it's weird.

As hankster reminds us, it's a process, not a sudden thing; if you don't like "professional", drop that word for awhile! Do you "need" it?

My T said she thought I was "kind but critical" and I had a heck of a time with that "critical", even though I know it has two sides (and I am very good at seeing/judging the two sides and being "fair"/honest) and does not mean I am just negatively judgmental.

If nothing else, it is just a word, a tool for your use; if you have no need for that tool right now, don't like how you are using it, don't use it! T is not just professional, not just therapist, not just female, not just married, not just a lover, not just a mother, not just a daughter, not just a college grad, not just a well-paid worker, etc. Those are mostly roles, not the person and we constantly morph in and out of various roles and add/subtract personal attributes to them as the situation calls for. One can be an "angry lover", why not a "loving professional"? Play with your words; they're yours and take on the meanings you give them!

As an RN I get a bit...grrhh... when you try to seperate proffessional and care with this whole black and white thinking.

Can you look the word up...the "real" definition is not being cold and not caring and maybe it won´t trigger you as much.

I think its good that you realize part of your hate for it is out of jealousy that she gets to call herself professional... but you shouldn't use her as a measuring stick, makes me wonder if you have put her on a pedestal of sorts. Your really upset that she is making you actually address the fact that you aren't BFF's and she is an employee hired by you to help you. It doesn't mean that your feelings for her and hers for you aren't real, we are all human and all put our pants on one leg at a time. You can't help but feel something for someone you tell all your secrets too and spend that much time with. It is real , its just not forever and for always, its more of a model to help you find relationships that will meet your needs in a healthy way and be forever and for always. I know your having a hard time with this, but being angry with her and nit picky over words isn't going to make this process any easier....maybe this is the part where you need to mourn? Big hugs..... I'm sorry you are hurting.

I'm with you on this one. I'm a teacher. I'm definitely a professional, AND I am definitely caring.

You've got to get past your black and white thinking about this. One does not exclude the other. In fact, a "professional" therapist, one that takes their profession and standards seriously, generally will be caring just by definition. I don't know many truly "professional" teachers (none actually) who aren't caring in regards to their students -- their clients.

The "caring", as far as I view it, is basic criteria for "professionalism" as a therapist. Some might argue that, and certainly there are therapists out there who don't display the quality of "caring", but personally then, I don't consider them to be very "professional" about their profession. YOUR T has always displayed GREAT caring for you. Honestly, to say somehow that she isn't caring because she's a professional is belittle everything she has done for you. Think about that. You have to know you aren't being "fair" to her devotion she has consistently shown to your well-being and progress.

Do you meant "job" triggered you? I remember with my other Ts, I absolutely could NOT ask how they were or anything about them. I can do that with my current T so maybe that's progress? Thanks for replying.

I really like what I bolded, Perna. My T IS a loving professional. That helps me. Thank you!
I realized I bolded MY words and yours. Hope it's not confusing.

Thanks. I will do that!

That's triggering too! I didn't mean the words per se, but what they represent to ME. I need to ask my T if she sees "professional" as caring and she will say "yes". I just need to hear her say it to me. I need to mourn that I have hired a professional to help me, and that I want to make them more than they are. It hurts. Yes. Over and over it hurts. I've always known the truth but it hurts anyway. Thanks for your post. I have to remember too that the therapy relationship is real but not forever. I think it's good that I'm crying about all of this.

I KNOW she's caring. It's the words that trigger me into thinking otherwise. I don't mean to belittle her at all. I'm just hurt. I FEEL like the words diminish our relationship. That's faulty reasoning--I think CBT will help. So professional will seem positive and caring. I'm still crying but I think I can change my attitude about this. My T is who she is, not the words. She hates labels and diagnoses, so why am I doing this to her and to me? I've got to go do some stuff in my house now. I think I may be able to work through this and feel better by Tuesday, so I can move on.

Haven't you seen my posts on the couch about my client? I am a professional and I love my clients dearly!

Do you think it's less about drawing an explicit link between "professional" and "caring", and more that "professional" is a word that implies boundaries and limits, and for you boundaries and limits can feel cold and uncaring?

Yes I have! I think it's just the word, and these responses are starting to get me to change my image of the word. I think I just need reinforcement.

I also need to work on MY issues with NOT being or feelings like a professional, and feeling like a failure, I guess.

I think I will focus on feeling like a failure at my next session. I know I'm not, but I FEEL like I am. Thanks, Chopin. I KNOW you care!

I once worked at a day care center and I called SO much about the kids. I just never think of MYSELF as a professional. I'm not good enough to be one.

okay this is just me but I really for....myself ...I found it grating when my old T talked incessantly about being "professional" and saying, "I see things as a professional that you miss," or "as a clinician..."

I found it grating at times (not always) and distancing and a bit ...haughty, actually.

I got over it in time, but I did find it placed an unnecessary wall between us.

I do think, however, that you can be both professional and VERY caring!

Rainbow, hang in there. Your honesty on this board continues to astound and inspire me. You are taking more than baby steps here, in my opinion.

Thanks, Sally.
Yes!! Or it's both. Boundaries and limits definitely feel uncaring to me, though I KNOW that's not the case. Yes, when my T told me it's best to go back to my not emailing her, it felt bad. When she said she emailed me only because it was 3 weeks, it felt bad. Uncaring. Yes. It's not that I don't intellectually understand, you know. It's the emotional part of me that reacts. Probably those child parts who want there to be NO boundaries.

I have a different perspective than some on this. I teach professionally and I practice law. I do not care about my students or clients like I do friends or family. It is very different. Their lives are not my problem, my interest or my area to be concerned with - I think it would be over-reaching, arrogant and presumptious of me to get involved in their lives or even believe I was involved. I care they learn the material or that I do a good job as their attorney, but their bad choices or good choices are not mine to be concerned about. I generally do not want harm to befall them and generally am happy for them if I hear something good occured. But I don't care about them as litle individual snowflakes out there. I don't want to be invited to their weddings, see pictures of the children or hear about their vacations. I rarely remember their names or recognize them in grocery stores. It does not bother me that I do not. We do not have the sort of relationship that would cause that to be necessary or useful. PRofessional is not bad in my opinion, but the caring of a professional is, I think, very different from caring of someone in a non-professional capacity.

Your comment makes me feel so good. I think, I know my that as a client I am cared for by not 1 but 2 caring professionals. So thankful and grateful for them.

No no, I don't doubt that you get this intellectually. If our hearts all followed our brains we'd all be in better shape then we're in, I think.

I'm just thinking that while many of us, including you, can point to examples of professionals who are also caring, the fact that she IS a professional might not be the real trigger, but rather that there are limits to your relationship that are not as bothersome to you with other "professionals" in your life. And that's what the word is setting off. Just trying to put my finger on what's hurting, that's all.

but you do care!

I have a kind of similar perspective. I am a fundraiser. I go to my donors' childrens' events, spouses' funerals, housewarming parties. I'm cordial and respectful with all of them friendly with almost all of them, and become "real" friends with the ones that I click with. However, it's my job to ask them for money from time to time. Sometimes this is terribly awkward...often it is a real privilege to be part of serious decisions they make. I care deeply about some of them; I detest others. It's a real mix. There aren't the same "rules" as with therapists...no 50 minute hour, no talk of "ruptures." But like so many professionals, I have to navigate these weird waters. It's a blurry thing and as much as I might wish for perfect boundaries and rules, I find life is much more mixed up, blurry, confusing and uncertain than that. I could not be a good fundraiser if I did not care. But it is a way for me to make my living as well, and I do need to protect my time and emotional resiliency so there are times when I do need my distance. It's a negotiation on a day to day basis. And it remains a challenge, but well worth the effort.

thanks for listening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelybychoice
As an RN I get a bit...grrhh... when you try to seperate proffessional and care with this whole black and white thinking.
umm-just thinking, my d. is an RN too, and I'm proud of her.This is a different d. from the one I just visited. I think of her as my "loving d" and as a professional in a positive way! My other d. is a professional too. I wonder why I get so angry about my T then. Because I am NOT the professional?
Can you look the word up...the "real" definition is not being cold and not caring and maybe it won´t trigger you as much.
Thanks. I will do that!

...I think your comment ( highlighted ) sums up, what have been written and replied to you in recents threads. I choose not to answer, state my opinion or make an observation yet again. Too much going on in those four/ five lines alone.

I really hope your thad a very bad day on Tuesday.Hun im sure next week will be better. I know your t cares for you, unfortantly your session this week seemed she did not care. I encourage you to share your posts with her so she can see the pain you feel right now! ((((((Hugs))))))

Hi Rainbow,
I know, this word would triger me too. Because I share so much with a therapist I feel very close to them, and sometimes forget it's a professional relationship. I felt this way about teachers too. One of my college professors became a friend of mine. I feel I learn better when I have an emotional connection to the professor and feel good being around them. I apreciated it when they took the time to really get to know me, ask how I was, ETC.
Anyway, I know tuesday's session was really hard. And probably more so due to you being away for so long. I really hope that next week goes better. Also, what's your DBT leader's take on all these issues? Just curious what she would have to say as another therapist looking in on the situation.

Rainbow,
While I am okay with professional and caring in the same sentence, I can find the word professional difficult sometimes. I think "professional" (or titles like Dr.) can carry a lot of weight. I used to get annoyed with an office where all the staff had to refer to him as "Doctor" - never Dr. _____. Only doctor. I wanted to scream "HE HAS A NAME!" While I agree that the titles have been earned through schooling and hard work, it does sometimes feel like it implies this person is worth more than people who do not hold the title. I don't go around asking people to address me by my title at work.

Two sessions ago, my t said "In my professional opinion" during a discussion about meds. It really bothered me because it made me feel like I didn't know anything and that my opinion, while it was being heard, was less valuable than hers. We continued the discussion the next week and it became clear my opinion counted equally. That's how I know my t cares.

I don't like the word "professional". It feels like "psychopath" without the charm.

So well said about the 'caring for yourself' concept. I think it is good practice to show clients that there has to be boundaries. I often worry about my therapists because they have so much coming at them. There would have to be boundaries, gray and blurry in order for the work to continue. No one is meant to carry so much pain around. I really want the caring professional to have a fun carefree weekend and not be worried about me or others. I honestly want them to think about me but not to have it affect them in a way that is a burden. That would feel awful.

I have a caring therapist, in fact I have 2 caring therapists. One is trained in EMDR and the other is my primary and one and only original therapist. Started with her 3 years ago and had never seen a therapist before. I'm so grateful, thankful to have these women caring. It is painful everytime I leave them. Because of the care I feel while I'm with them and the void I feel and loneliness when I'm not there. I struggle with this daily in a major way but I do know, they care and that is something we all want: to have people care.

My T certainly wouldn't agree with this. Hearts and brains both have important work to do and neither should rule the other.