Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

I hate that I think about you so much. I appreciate you serving a purpose of being someone that listens to me. A part of me don't like the fact I need a therapist in my life. On the other hand I feel like you're a friend. Even though I don't have to pay friends to listen to me. Well paying a man to listen to me.
When you said, "I thought you had cut me loose" when I took a break from our sessions for 5 weeks. I wondered if you had noticed. I guess you did.
It ticks me off you play with your phone during sessions sometimes. Then other times you apologize repeatedly for your phone even ringing.

Dear T, at a time when i am needing connection so much, it is like i am the last person you are wanting to connect with.
something needs to give, or i feel like i will break.
i know i keep wanting to discuss ex-h and you don't. you want to put it off. i have told you and you are not understanding me, and that hurts. he will destroy me. i cannot allow that to happen and i only know of one way to prevent it. i am sorry. sort of. kinda looking forward to not having to fight anymore. help me please.... i am losing faith in you very fast.

Even though I'm being brave about the break, I'm already falling apart even though it's been just a few days. Not because of the break, but because everything bad seems to happen when I can't see you.

Dear T,

I think about u all the time. Always awaiting our next appt. Going thru everything said at the appts. and putting a great deal of importance on everything u say. When the day comes that we have our appt. I feel so happy. Then when I get to ur office, I feel very nervous. Sometimes during the appt. I look at the clock and don't want our session to be over. When the session is over, I feel sad but still ok cuz u are so kind and sweet to me so it holds me over for a while. The rest of the day is spent thinking about everything that was said. I think u are very pretty and I wish I could be pretty too, like u. I like the clothing style u wear. I sometimes try to change my own style a little so I can feel a bit closer to u. The stuff that makes me the happiest (warm & fuzzy inside) is when u & I talk about things not related to therapy, like white pumpkins, parking in Summit, figuring out how to navigate NYC, and things of that sort. I wish I knew where u live, and if u have kids or are married. I don't know why I wonder these things. I wish I could see u 3 times a week, like on a Friday as well, cuz then I'd always have something to look forward to after each session. Thinking about u makes me feel safe. U r the first therapist who seems to "get" me and even tho u know how I am, u r still kind to me.

Dear T
I would like to see you now please.

Thanks.

Would you send me a hug?

Dear T, two weeks, idk.... but you said that is the soonest you have another opening. so, calling for an earlier appt would be stupid.
i go on break starting sunday... and i worked myself into a frenzy this morning before work. things are craZy makIng....

Thank you for reaching out to me tonight. After spending over two hours with you this evening, you were kind enough to open your door tonight and calm me after a flashback. I am glad I didn't have to be alone. I was trying to help a friend, and I got triggered. You are one of the most gracious people I know. You really care about your clients, not just during the appointed "therapy hour." You told me to come, "I am here for you." You reached out, and held me in your arms, and allowed me to cry on your shoulder for an hour and a half. You will never know how much that meant to me. I was able to leave your office grounded, like always. Thanks for never making me leave while I am still in despair. When I got home I heard about the tragedy that be failed our nation today. I am sad. Innocent little ones, and the ones that cared for them - why? I almost called you, but I was filled enough until I see you in the morning. I matter to you, and that is why I love you so.

Love,

GTGT

You are holding a book for me in your cupboard, one that's special to me. i'll use this to connect to you and the therapy room and everything you and it means to me (safety, warmth, caring, empathy, holding, grounding, positive spins(!), 'complete and utter' unreserved positive regard (what an amazing thing that is)).
But in order to cover every angle, to join the circle of connection, I wanted to ask you to tell me of a favourite book you had as a child. I was then going to buy that book and keep it with me through this long break ahead.
I would read some of it whenever I needed extra help feeling close to you, so I don't withdraw from you this time.
I thought this would cost you no time or money so would be acceptable. I realised though that it would be such a precious gift, and you might refuse it, it being personal to you. I really couldn't abide having you refuse me, so I didn't ask; plus I didn't want to pressure you or for you to feel pressured by me.
I'm a fool because you may have simply given what I asked for, fulfilled my spoken need (a rare thing). But what if you'd said no?
What a nuisance. Oh oh oh. I want to have this extra connection with you to see me through. I wish I had asked and you'd told me, no bother. My child may then not kick off as she's pretty much starting to do already. Breaks! Bloody Hell.

I hate you. You tell me things could be different that I am not alone, but for the rest of the week I am. Stop making me want what I can't have. Just make it all stop

Thank you for this morning. There was no aftermath from last night's trigger. My friends are okay. I woke up twice, and was able to ground myself in less than a minute, and went right back to sleep. I got up feeling more grateful about my life, and those in it. This is the first time in years I am excited about the holidays.

I can't wait to see my family, including my mom. I'm ready to approach our relationship in a new way. The test - I think we will both pass - counting on a 75% or more, heh heh.

I'm glad you let me tank-up before I go. I'm still not sure about keeping Sunday's appointment, I'll decide in a little bit, and leave a message. I'm managing to stay away from the news media, and I feel really well - happy.

Enjoy your concerts on Saturday, and Sunday.

Love,

GTGT

I get u totally...

How did your session go?

I wish I could tell my therapist more of my obsessions. I know they are the whole reason I go but I think they are silly or cliche or just stupid.

I just went and listened to some old voicemails. Instead of anger, I felt heartbreak. You sound SO different. It made me cry... I mourn the old u with each day that passes, I lose more and more hope that things will ever go back to the way they were.

Dear T - I'm going to the shamanic journey circle tomorrow morning, so excited, to spend some time with people who are into that kinda thing like I am. You were SO right when you said I needed to find like-minded folks locally now to discuss this stuff with, since you're not here anymore. Well, and since I'm trying to bring our work together to a close. I didn't tell you I was going, just in case I chicken out haha, but I don't plan to chicken out. I'll tell you all about it on Tuesday when I call. Oh and I have to cancel the scheduled call on 1/2/13 cuz I'll be going in to work 2 hours early that day and all month and working a 6th day every week all month. So, I don't know if we can do one last call after Christmas maybe like the 28th or something? And have it be the last one. I want to of course be able to know I can still call you and ask for a session if something comes up and I need your support. But I'm ready to bring our regular sessions to a close as of the end of this month. I'll forever be grateful to you for how much you have helped me to change the things I needed to change to make me a better and happier person. I love you T!

I feel broken, and that no one will ever be able to put me back together. I feel totally exposed, not only to you, but to myself. Figuring out who I am and why I behave the way I do has left me feeling traumatized. I can't handle who I am, I guess? I don't want to be me.

I'm glad I bumped into you on the street today. I didn't recognize you at first because you were not wearing your normal elegant attire.

I know you mean well, but I really wish you hadn't mentioned the narcissism thing again. I mean, seriously. A two-minute chat on a sidewalk is a strange context for that kind of topic. Did you just read a book about narcissism or something? Even though you said you know that I don't have a narcissistic bone in my body (which made you think you'd read my last post in this thread!), it is still bothering me that you keep talking about it in relation to my feelings. My feelings may be indicative of an immature psyche. I'd be the first to admit that I'm immature. But just say I'm immature. Don't use a word like "narcissist". Not only because I am not narcissistic, but because I'm sick of all psycho-babbly labels. And you've already stuck a whole bunch on me already. Do I really need another one?

I know that I need to work on my eye contact, too. But again, did you really need to remind me this in the middle of the street? I felt like my mother was scolding me for not wearing clean underwear or something.

But I forgive you, as I usually do. At least you stopped and said hello. Your old-lady nagging is just your way of showing you care. And I really do need someone to care.

I love this. This encapsulates exactly how I feel at the moment ...

I'll be there this morning.

Dear T,

Something happened to me Friday night and I was desperate to call someone. I tried bf, then you at the office, no answer. I didn't know if I should call 911 or what, I was so scared. I would not call your cell because, after all, I am just a client and have no business relying on you right? I would not do that even though I wished I could. I finally got my girlfriend. I needed someone to "be with me" even if it's just on the phone. Hope that doesn't happen again.

Don´t know how to tell T, you are showing up for a session this morning? Sorry just trying to make sence of the purpose of this thread.

Sometimes, it's even hard for a crazy person like me to figure why I post at all.

Thank goodness, PC is a place that helps some people figure it out . I'll ask my therapist to help me make sense of it when I call her to let her know I'm coming today. To early to call. Then I might have a different answer - don't know.

Have a good one little.

Yesterday day was good. Today I am happy. Tomorrow will be happier. I'm so glad that I'm not on a time schedule, and we have so much time to play around in therapy, and laugh our heads off sometimes. It's so healing for me. And you know what? I'm glad we do it a different way.

Your the best.

Love,

GTGT

I meant the whole thread - "Dear T I need to tell you something...but I don´t know how"... Just got confused when I read the "post".

Good luck with the call then.