Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,

I have no idea what I'm going to say to you tomorrow. It's the last time we'll be meeting this year, which is both sad and kind of okay. I just can't seem to get any clarity around therapy anymore.

And I'm so wiped out. Seeing you on Tuesday mornings is difficult, because I work so late on Mondays. I feel like I can barely think straight in the morning, let alone remember and organize my thoughts.

I need to go home now, but I'm feeling stuck again. Too much to do and not nearly enough time to attend to it all.

I'm really sorry for the reason you had to cancel. I said I hoped you were okay but you didn't answer me. You didn't respond to me at all, so I tried again, because so many of my messages to you have gone unanswered. Did you realise how hard it was for me to risk asking again (after everything)? I wondered if you'd received it. You had, and you were straight to the point. You had been busy at a function earlier and couldn't get back to me. You didn't say anything to indicate we still have any sort of relationship. I don't know when you're leaving the city and when is appropriate to text again. I guess I'll just hold on. I was doing okay holding on for longer than usual, but since you canceled, I'm not doing so well at all. I seem to mean nothing to you, and my concern means nothing to you.

I both hope you're okay and feel dreadfully sad that it was like being canceled on by someone who barely knows me...and after everything, I just don't know anymore. Once again, I feel unsure if I'm returning for a last appointment. My life has been on hold for ages while I try to ride this out. Is a tiny little bit of reassurance too much to ask for? Can you not give me any indication that you still know me and care about me? I care about you.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Just holding on and holding on...and then there's the Christmas break...and I just feel finished right now. There's nothing good left for me to hold on for. I should know because I've tried and tried...and waited long enough. I'm just done. All it would have taken was a tiny little reassurance, but I can't ask. It's too late. So I'll just hold on.

Thanks for all that you do for me.

I'm glad I've moved so beyond:

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval which are not only horrible substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance."

~ Brené Brown

You taught me: It's not about me. It's about them.

Thank you for being my teacher.

Dear T,

There is so much to talk about today that I don't know where to start.

please understand.

I can't wait to see you today. Will you hold me when I get there?

Dear T, still losing faith, and too tired to search for hope. i will cancel the appointment on friday.
thanks for your help. sorry i was such a pita all the time.

all of this will make sense in a few months. you will then have the all the answers. i really tried to tell you, but you just didn't want to listen anymore. i understand and i am sorry. i don't like listening to me either.

I am failing at this. I am failing so hard. All I want us to be able to connect, but I stay warded off, in my head. I keep you "over there," away from me. You must be so sick of this same pattern, over and over again. I know I'm sick of it.

Dear T,
I hate money issues and am so ashamed that they have now made an appearance in therapy. It hurts me greatly to have already felt within 10 minutes of you agreeing to see me for less money how unimportant I truly am. That you would so quickly refuse to even try to fit me into the schedule made me feel that even after all of these years, I am less than.

There are good people in this world, and I am blessed to run accross many in my life. Some pass briefly, and others stay around. They have become good friends. And, I'm grateful that you have taught me to discern between aquaintances and friends. Aquaintances I have many, and friends I have few. And, I like it just the way it is.

Ill see you one last time before the holiday, and I am just fleetingly sad when I think about not seeing you for three weeks. As the sign that you gave me says, " I'm Not Going Anywhere. I'm Here For You - No Matter What! I've been meaning to take that sign down. I'll keep the sign, "I Have Worth!" up until our first anniversary of individual therapy on March 7.

I'll see you in afternoon for the famous 60 minute hour session. I might try to steal a few minutes on both ends, since you build a 1/2 hour between clients.

I love you,

GTGT

I know you won't write.. but I keep vainly hoping and wishing that you will. I hate these boundaries. I hate that we're not in touch during this break. I hate that I'm jealous of your daughter and her family and the quality time they're getting with you, and that I can never be, will never be to you what they are. Not even close. I know it. I see how I have to accept it. But I wish I were worthy of at least a note.. a 'thinking of you'.. I don't know. Anything. A warm thought or sentiment, a reassurance things can be okay in the new year... I'm just finding it hard to try to quiet and soothe the abandoned child in me.

I think I understand how you feel

Jbmomg,
I'm worried about you. I started reading this thread from the beginning earlier and jumped to read the last page. You mentioned that your T will understand everything in a few months and I'm worried that relates to an earlier comment about something you're planning for May. Please be gentle to yourself!

Very safe hugs

Dear T,
I feel like I am going backwards. This makes me very, very sad. I wish I could see you every week right now.
Me.

You were right about not trying to answer people individually, and I need to get off the forum and pack. because I just found out what I said was told told so differently than what was really said. I will not go in and correct. As you said, people will see things through their own lenses. I need to let it be. I hear you loud and clear. Thank you for your wise counsel. I am shutting down now.

Thank you for my last session today. I have my emotional tools ready, and I'm on my way. Leaving my Mac, iPad, and iPhone at home, and am taking my 10 year old do nothing phone. No hooking up unless I go to a library or something.

See you in the New Year!

I continue to endear myself to your supervisor...! I don't think he knows quite what to make of me. I mustn't scare him TOO much, though, as he's offered me another session. Last one and then you're back.. provided you're still going to see me, that is. I hope so, as I value our relationship so much. I hope we can still be close - that's what was healing for me, I think... I hate the thoughts of you not being in my life anymore. This month has been hard. You're my go-to person and you're gone.

Dear T,
I seriously cannot believe it! seriously. i am sooo tempted to call you or send you an email. and you don't even do emails. i am in shock!

maybe this is a sign that i shouldn't cancel my appt, but maybe i am just looking for an excuse, i am seriously still in shock! i may never get out of it... thank goodness for benzos...

What I want to say: "3 weeks without you? I'm going to go crazy!! I have so much stuff to tell you, I need your help to sort through it and I need you to be there for me to understand me and make everything seem better. This break is going to be so, so hard."

What I actually say: "Have a nice break! See you in the New Year!"

I'm soo glad that you liked my present It was something small but i figured the best type of present was something that would be beneficial to both of us through the therapy process itself. And I was right! You had me beaming at how excited you were. Though also a bit scared because I know the coupon book is going to entail a lot of difficult things for me to face coming up. I just hope you go easy on me for a while. I'm very sensitive, you know this right?

I'm going to miss you for the next 2 weeks. I hate not seeing you, it breaks my routine. And you know full well how much I rely on routines. Bah. I'll make it...maybe I'll call you at least once between the two weeks. You told me I could, heck you encourage me to every week. I'm thankful for that- knowing that I can reach out and you'll be there. I need it, even if I don't use it. Knowing it's there is very helpful and reassuring.

I wish you would be able to understand my sensory processing disorder better. But I understand- it's not in the DSM, it's 'new', and it's unfamiliar. I'm hoping that I help educate you as time goes on. It's difficult for me to be this sensitive to the world around me. But I'm holding on and pushing through.

As time goes on Maybe I can talk to you about wanting a service dog. My bf is supportive now that he understands. I think you would be too- but I'm afraid you might not consider me to 'need' one even if it'd help me a lot. Maybe it's just the negativity speaking again and I should tell it to shut up.

For you, I'm going to try and fix my sleep schedule. I don't care if I'm sleeping normal hours or not- but you want me healthy physically and mentally/emotionally, so this is one step I have to take. I should just listen to you, I just can't help but be stubborn sometimes.

Thanks for a great session tonight, T. You make me smile! Especially when you said that compared to when I first met you to today, I've opened up a lot and let down some of those walls. and then you said that we'd continue to break them down! You're really encouraging. I'm almost scared!

Please be gentle with me today. This is really hard. I didn't want to end the year like this. I'm doing my best, but there's only so much we can possibly get through, even if everything goes well today. I don't think you realised how well I was doing or how different I was feeling inside before all of these changes. I don't think you understand. Please try to hear me today.

Dear T.
I need you. It's bad.
Me

Dear T

I miss you

I am okay

I don't feel needy or clingy. I DON'T FEEL NEEDY OR CLINGY!!!!

I feel SO dignified, like I should be royalty or something. Where's my crown?

I don't know why you bother to keep trying with me. It seems like I just keep unveiling new layers of failure that you have to work with. How can you have the patience? How can you keep track of it all?

I am so bummed you cancelled my appointment today. You didn't get to wish me happy birthday or merry christmas or anything before I leave. I really wanted to talk to you about coping with the holidays before I left. Logically I know you are sick but a part of me feels like you just don't care enough.