Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Thank you for calling me back. I said I needed to see you again this evening and wanted you to hold me. Well the kiddo wanted me to pick him up and go to his college information session. My phone was off. I had to get back in mom mode and I did. After it was over I was fine.

They gave us his PSAT score and he scored in 96 percentile. We may be able to save money after all. Heh, heh!

Thanks again for being there for me. I'll see you Thursday.

I wonder if I felt I needed to see you again tonight, because I was not prepared for us to stop so soon this morning? I know it would be okay with you, even if I didn't know why. I'm use to ending the therapy session on my own mostly. Maybe, at the start of a session you can tell me or even an email before hand to let me know you have something scheduled at Xx time? I hope I remember to bring this up.

Sub t got me going again. I was doing ok but now I'm back to thinking about it all. I want to throw a tantrum and yell. I want to be done with therapy. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. It only gets worse. I want to dig my heels in and make u drag me. I want any attention, even negative. I am feeling frustrated and annoyed at life. I don't know how to soothe. I just am so sick of it all: school... Everything. I'm sick of being told that things are wrong with me. I'm sick of feeling like I should be doing something but I'm not. I'm sick of feeling like a needy failure.

Dear T,

i wish i hadn't said i didn't want to see you again this week. I now cant decide whether to text you or not, as i don't know whether i actually do need an extra session or im just being needy. Agh! Please, just this once, text me!

Dear T,

I think you are totally awesome. I think the sun shines outta your ***.

Love,

Me

I am missing you today. I wish I had the ability to see you every week. But I guess I can't rely on you forever. (although I really would like to)

Dear T, thanks for being YOU!

I dont know if I want to go back. Things seem to have taken a nosedive. I can't fall apart right now, not right before the weekend. I have to be on my A-game.

Thank you for responding:

"This is asking for what you need - a perfectly appropriate thing to do. And, I can do what you request.

Thursday we need to finish by 2:30."

Knowing in advance that I have an hour and a half to get what I need is helpful to me. I hope Friday and Saturday I'm not hemmed in.maybe I should book a session for Sunday too. Just wanting to fill up before I go. Thank you for allowing me to get what I need.

Love you.

your sessions are 1 1/2 hrs? wow!

Dear T,

Our session today was a good one. It felt really good to have that big sobbing cry and just let it out to someone that was not in the situation. Also, glad you apologized about not asking me how I felt when we were talking over the phone. I know you are busy and just over-reacted the way I do. I am glad you are finishing Harry Potter as well.

For the first time, I'm really mad at you.

My whole life, I never cared about getting anyone to like me. It wasn't even on my radar.

For the 4+ years that we've been working together, I've never expressed a desire to have anyone like me. It wasn't even something I'd even thought about before, let alone considered possible.

So I thought you'd make my sadness about my yoga instructor into something positive and revelatory.

Instead, you shamed me by saying I need to be careful about turning into a narcissist.

A narcissist? Really? I tell you that I was disappointed that she didn't do something that she said she was going to do, and this makes me a narcissist?

I don't want anyone to like me any more, then. I'll go back to being the perfectly contented schizoid, black soul and all. Better than being a narcissist, right?

Maybe you made a mistake in using that word. Maybe, to borrow a phrase, you spoke "inelegantly". But I'm all twisted up about it. I don't know what to do with my feelings. Should I tell you about them or swallow them? Thanks a lot for making crazy!

And I hate you for not understanding my not wanting to go back to yoga and making me get upset by having to explain myself for the eleventy-billionth time.

I'm so angry at you. I wish I was with you right now so I could punch you in your face.

These are shortened sessions, and they are not long enough.

Dear X-T

I really hate that you are seeing my X-bf

I wish I could tell you how things really are. But I'm too afraid to. This wall is built too strong and I'm afraid you can't break it down before I crumble underneath it.

Dear T,
I'm really afraid of making you disappointed in me. I'm not sure what I am going to say to you today.

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I don't know what to talk about. I use to have so much to say, and it seems like I've said it all to you. Do I really have maybe less than a year to go in therapy? I thought I heard wrong when you said it. I'm going to work really hard in and out of sessions for the next year. We should go out to dinner and celebrate when I'm done. I'll even invite some of my friends you met at the concert.

Thanks for the group therapy discussion. I'm no longer smarting over Broom Hilda and her magic potions. I will decide after the New Year about filing a complaint. I'm glad I don't have trouble discussing things with you. I trust you more and more each day. I don't fill like a failure anymore. She's just a real idiot, and unethical to boot.

Love ya. See you soon.

GTGT

Dear T,

I really want to see you tomorrow, but I don't want to be that really annoying client who keeps contacting outside of sessions or wanting more attention. Please just read my mind and text me.

Thanks for being there so much, and for not giving up on me.

dear T,

when we first started, i asked you your policy on Christmas gifts, and you gave me that 'depends on what it is' thing and I said oh relax, I assure you it won't be a new car, lol.

I said, i was thinking of maybe making cookies for your group, and you said, cookies would be wonderful!! so I had to remind you that you haven't tasted my cookies

so here we are at Christmas, and yr group has disbanded.... so yes I have a Christmas gift for just you... and even though it's very small, and not edible, I hope you accept it. If not.... I will be devastated, something I will NOT want to tell you.

Dear T,
It annoys me that you repeatedly tell me, "You're so perceptive. You're so intuitive".. I feel like it's a replacement for you saying, "How does that make you feel".

Thanks for talking to me about cool places to shop for furniture. FYI just because I'm a Black lady doesn't mean I get into African masks, etc. Even though I get you're into eclectic furniture as much as I am.

I DO NOT WANT TO GO ON SATURDAY. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO TALK.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND DESPAIRING. I AM BACK AT SQUARE 1. My walls are up SO high. There is so much bottled up inside me. I feel like I am going to burst. But I can't let it out. I don't feel safe anymore.

That way I view things, it takes twice as long to make up for something. For example, get a bad night sleep, it takes two good ones to feel rested and back on track. It took me a yr to get to where we were. I can't wait two yrs for things to get better again. I don't think I would be able to make it. I feel so upset and so distraught and so unstable.

(((((Miswimmy1,)))))

IMO your above words are letting your therapist know you are angry at her. And, thats okay. She left you when you needed her, you depended on her to be there for you; she wasn't. She got sick, and went away from you. Underneath all this anger is the fear that she may not come back, and if she does she will reject you or even withhold the good feeling she gave before. She won't . You want to reject her first, because you are afraid of of not necessarily losing her, but losing the good stuff - the good feelings that she gives you. It's okay to want her, and to want what she gives you. Try not to fight what you want - take it in. Use it to comfort yourself. It's okay. And, one day you will be able to provide for yourself what she provides for you now.

I don't really know if it's appropriate to answer someone in this thread. You can let me know. If what I said doesn't help you or fit for you feel free to dismiss it. Hopefully, it might help someone else.

Take care of yourself Mis.

I wish I could talk to you. Feels like it's been forever.

Me: I wish that I had asked you to hold me earlier in our session. I have to plan better.

FM: And I regret that time is rather constricted right now. Nonetheless, just the fact that you are approaching the visit with parents differently speaks to how well you are taking in the safety and security. I am trying to reschedule my Monday, so I can give you the 1:00 spot. Will let you know if it works. I know I booked that a long while ago, but I think the person has some flexibility.

Me: I am okay without the 1:00 spot.

FM: Would you prefer that I leave it as is then - 3:30 - 5:00?

Me: Yes. That is what we agreed. I'm fine. I might bug you on Sunday though.

FM: Okay. I'll leave it as is. I may be out for part of Sunday - for sure am out Sunday evening.

Me: Do you want to do mass for me @ 6:00 A.M. or 9:00 A.M. (ie a 9:00 appointment with me)?

Me: you don't have to reply to this email tonight I'll see you tomorrow ,Friday, and discuss it. I may have filled up enough. Thank you for always being there.

FM: I have a 9am already booked, so earliest I could do would be 10:30.

Il'll take it for Sunday. You didn't have to respond. Thanks. It feels like I'm doing a novena. I'll see you every day till blast off.