Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

((rainbow rose)) it sounds like it does matter

Dear FM,

I'm debating whether I want to call you or not. I have to go volunteer at kiddo's school for four hours, and don't want to interupt you tonight, or tomorrow. I do want to speak with you, hear your voice. I know you said you would be there fo me. I'm just trying to be a grow up about it. Maybe, it's better to call sooner than later Geez, what to do. At least I have choices.

GTGT

"I care about you"

"I want you to feel comfortable receiving hugs. Because you are so alone in this."

I want that too. I want it. I just... Can't. Whenever I get close, something happens. Like this. I hate that I made u cry today. I hate that I hurt u. Im good at doing that, aren't I. Sry. Maybe we would both be better off on our own. But I need you. I just wish you would give me more credit.

Dear FM,

I called, and got your answering machine. You're probably in session or grocery shopping perhaps? Anyway, the little girl wants to talk to you, before you start your holiday. I know the adult can take care of her. Nevertheless, I want you. I want what I want. Boy do I sound like a selfish child?

Dear FM,

You haven't called yet, and I have to get to my gig. I will try to keep my phone on, or try to reach you if I get a break. I'm not worried I know we'll get to talk as soon as we can. Attachment doesn't end just because of a holiday. attachment can happen on a holiday - talk to you soon.

Love,

GTGT

I tried to call you because i am struggling with depression. I waited all day yesterday for you to call me but you didn't. Today you finally called but I'm not at home. I am so bummed right now. I really wanted to talk to you. Now I have to wait until next Thursday to talk to you. I am so disappointed and sad right now.

I really wanted to call you every day this week so far. But I really didn't want to bother you on your week off. I've been so worried about this "holiday", it's all that swarms my mind whenever distraction fails. I wish I didn't have to wait another week just to see you again, but I know that when I do I'll feel better and I'll get some things off my chest that have bothered me all week. Thank you for being here for me. I know you encourage me to call whenever I want or feel the need to. But I can't help the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I might bother you if I call. So for now I stick to just emailing, which you can check on your own time.

I really tried to listen to your suggestions on how to calm down during the drive. But I'm sorry. It didn't work that well. Repeating to myself 'He's a safe driver, I'm alright. We've never been in a crash before, we're alright', etc, just didn't help the overwhelming panic that flooded me every time we had to weave in and out of traffic, or speed up to pass a car, etc. Why are some of the most mundane things so difficult for me to process and cope with? Why why why? :s

Dear T,

I found my Dad's art stuff tonight. It's like discovering a treasure chest! There's a whole package of unused brushes and some paints. I think there are more paints in another box but you know how it is finding things in my basement! It's also a little bittersweet because he could have helped me paint when he was alive. Why did I wait until after he's gone to get back into art?

I miss you! Maybe it's my Dad I miss instead. Life is so sad. I remember the Thanksgiving he came to my house after __ passed away. If we were doing SE right now, I'd say my stomach hurts and I'm crying.It's 3 years and I haven't mourned him much. At the same time, I'm wondering if you're going out-of-town for the holiday. I didn't ask so you didn't say, which is better because I'm not as worried. Maybe your kids are coming to you instead. Neither of us have our parents. We have that in common but I wish we didn't.

Love,
rainbow

I'm not struggling at the moment. I'm not worried about anything. I feel no need or desire to call. I am doing well even though I don't feel well physically. I will find out what is going on, if anything, in 7 to 10 days.

Who is this person?

Dear T can you help me make friends?
Can you help me learn to be beautiful?
Can you help me?
Are you going to hurt me?
Do you think i am pathetic?
Do you think i am a disappointment to the Supreme being? That i am a wasted life thus far?

Your words really hurt. I don't think you intended it, but they do anyway

ok ... more than one source has suggested that i journal ... so why am i not doing it!?

i was thinking the same thing rainbow rose ...and wanting to post about it but not sure where!

Dear FM,

Thank you for returning my call. I now know what these feelings are about, and I know how to deal with them. You're the best therapist! I can take care of me.

I'm glad you are enjoying our holiday gifts. See you Friday and Saturday.

GTGT

it can and it does. Ugh.

T

Are you okay? That was the first thing I thought. It was the first and only time I've asked for a phone call in the four years we've known each other. Well, you offered and I said yes, but you didn't call. So, are you okay? I actually hope you haven't called because you have forgotten me. However, it's really not good timing if you forgot. After everything that has happened? After giving me an emergency phone number for the first time yesterday? I really do hope everything is okay.

Dear FM,

It's Thanksgiving, our first major Holiday together. Well, it's actually not, our anniversary is 5 December 2011, but I only saw you three or four times, before we went away on vacation. I feel that I didn't know you, and you didn't know me, and we were not attuned. So, in my head this is officially the first.

Happy Thanksgiving FM. I'm so thankful for you and our relationship, and your opening my eyes to all that I was missing in life. I love my kid!

Have a relaxing day. I'm quite fine and happy with family and friends.

Love,

GTGT

S***,

I need you right now. Please. It's time for me to stop being so pathetic, but I need to get it out in front of you. He hurt me, and I don't know what to do. My first instinct? SI. Very first thought. My second was to get another guy, and I did. But it still hurts. I want her to hurt him like he hurt me. I want him to think about me and miss me, and then I want to tell him how much I hate this, and what a bastard I think he is right now.

Hey T,

After 7 sessions, I finally didn't feel like complete garbage after the last one - when you told me that you disagreed with me & that you don't feel like you're just wasting your time during our appointments.

But the next appointment is in four weeks, and they're usually 3 weeks apart. If you're that booked up, do you really think you're going to help me make any progress? How can you care? How can you even remember me? It seems like other people have sessions every week! I dunno - would that help me or kill me?

I'm still wondering if I made the right decision in cancelling the appt. with the other guy to keep seeing you. But I still think the situation would be the same with him - heck, he's got that PhD after his name - I'd only think I was bothering him more than I think I bother you.

So, I'll see you again in a few weeks. I'll totally stress out about it for a week or so ahead of time. I'll be a complete nervous wreck during the session. You'll tell me to think of my strengths again, like you always do. I'll feel like garbage afterwards. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I still just want to disappear.

But, I have 5 days off of work, and it's time to cook a turkey. I can do that.

Happy thanksgiving. Thank u for saying that what u are thankful for is meeting me

I wish I could go back in time and do it over again knowing what I do now

Touch of Gray,
Have you asked if he can see you more often? Once every four weeks seems like a maintenance schedule and you sound like you might need more at this point. I guess some clients come and go, so if you ask maybe he can put you on the waiting list and give you the same time/day every week or every two weeks, whatever you are thinking. Just wondering? I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Wow, Miswimmy, that is really good that your T said that What a nice thing for her to say!

T

Nice to know when I'm feeling a bit suicidal (yes I'm angry and being sarcastic by saying "bit" because you either are or you aren't) and I ask for help, you'll agree to help me, and then...forget. Thanks for the four years. This wasn't the thing to forget. This wasn't the ending I expected. I've worked so hard the last few weeks to get back on top of everything, after you spent an entire session lecturing me. Even though you think that was in response to me and my emotions, it was too much, you took it too far and I didn't deserve it.

Although that session wasn't as bad as being forgotten at a time like this. It was always so hard for me to ask, and risk asking. It was a vulnerable thing to do, particularly at this time, when you've already started changing boundaries in a way I never expected. Because I'm so respectful of any boundary, I was shocked you'd need to.

And when I push myself to still be vulnerable and risk asking, like you wanted, I was not passive, like you wanted. I had to ask more than once, and you offered help when I most needed it...and you didn't come through. I was so worried that you might not be okay, and I'm glad that's not the case, but you "forgot". Thanks.

I think the saddest thing might be that it was the first time I knew you were going to follow through with what you said you'd do. You haven't always, and so I try not to hope, but this time, I knew you would...but you didn't.

So this might be my final goodbye T. I haven't decided if I can sit through this in person.

Why did I push myself so much today? I was kinda hangin on to the hope of getting a reply from you but I can't expect that on a holiday, that'd be rude. I think tonight will be another little to no sleep night... Not to mention I'm feeling extremely overloaded and in pain from that trip. Black Friday sales are not for me. I shut down in the store trying to get something for bob. I dealt with anxiety ridden situations and conversations all evening with strangers in line. Not being able to tell when people are serious or joking is hard. Being around smokers all night was hard. And it's hard to not feel depressed and jealous when all 3 people I'm with got electronics and stuff for black Friday. And I couldn't even afford the smallest thing I wanted. it would have been just 40$ but I had no money.

So I'm the outcast. Again. I always feel left out even among friends. How do I not feel like this? I can only fake a smile for so long.