Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Thanks so much Rainbow. I don't either. I really don't understand at all. I fought so hard to fix everything, but she's still...hurting me. So I guess this is it. My next session is set to be my last.

Wow, Nightlight. My heart is breaking for you. I wish your T would take her head out of her arse long enough to see the harm it's causing. Know that whatever you decide to do, we are here. (( HUGS ))

Stupid one sided feelings. She means the world to me, yet...to her I mean so little. Some time ago I saw a second T while I was seeing current T, to come at something from another angle. I wasn't that attached to T2, I was more attached to having someone else on my side. Yet saying goodbye to T2 was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. I really don't know what this will do to me. I honestly don't think I can do this. I don't know what to do. But I have to. There's nothing left and I tried so hard to fix it. Thanks for thinking of me MUE.

What a betrayal. I sympathize totally. My T did the same to me in December. She went from the "greatest" T ever who taught me so much to now being a boundary violating, dishonest, abandoning T . Calling this "grief" is insulting. It feels worse than that to me. It will probably cost me more to get through this than all of the therapy cost. I hope you have a good support system, access to a good pDoc ( nothing like having to be on 2 benzos for the anxiety), and find the courage to seek out a trustworthy T. There has to be some out there, but it is hard to see them just now. Hang in there. It has to get better.

Freefall Thank you so much for sharing that! I also have the worst pdoc ever. You can read about some of my "fantastic" last conversation with him here. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=261186

I have no friends, nobody else to rely on. Only ever T. I also received a reduced rate from T and we don't have insurance for therapy here. I can access a free service for 6 sessions total, I think. I don't even want to do that right now. I don't want to talk to a stranger. I don't want to be heartbroken like this all over again. I don't know how this has happened and why I can't fix it. What a mess. I'm so, so sorry you've been going through something similar. What a disaster.

((((((((((((((Nightlight)))))))))))))
thinking of you and sending safe hugs...

Dear T, taking that break, feeling some anxiety, but feeling good about the decision. maybe gain some perspective. idk..

.

Dear T, after what I thought needed to be the end, you proved to me again that you are worth your weight in gold times 3. Please don't ever change. Also, if you are wise, you will take some Tylenol or something on Tuesday morning prior to our appointment. I probably wont shut up for the whole hour. Love, Jersey.

These Breaks are aptly named, are breaking my confidence, resolve, atom sized positivity.

Thanks for today. I am glad you read what I wrote and realized I meant it. I love you.

I thought tonight would be a bad session and that I would leave disappointed. I had no reason in particular to believe this, I just did. But, you surprised me! I feel great after seeing you. Thanks.

Dear T.
I really appreciated our session. I felt good.
But now I am home alone and my thoughts are going rampant and I just want to cry. I wish I were seeing you again tomorrow.

I just read the thread. Your pdoc has issues. I felt the same way about not talking to anyone else, but I made myself do that because I was devastated and so,so angry. Still am. I chose the second person I met with. She seems to unuderstand, she has seen this many times, she is not pushing me and she knows that I may need to sit and vent and cry. Anything else may be too much. It can be done. There must be someone who can recommend a T. Sadly, now you are a victim ( hate that word). Try to take the power behind the anger,sadness, and pain and consider finding someone who can help you carry that. It's too much to carry alone. It is heartbreaking, it is a mess, it is a disaster, and I,too,do not know how this has happened.

T

I think I was driving my car behind you in your car for a few seconds before you turned off somewhere else this evening. So close but yet so far away. I was actually thinking about our final appointment at the time. I sometimes wonder if the person who is more connected to the other is the one who always notices the other person first. I've seen you four times in public now, if that was you today. Funny, really. In this city it would be so easy to never see one another. You never see me though. I'm usually quite focused on what I'm doing, and tuned out from other people. Sometimes people have to jump in front of me and call out my name before I notice them, but I always notice you. I really, really want to find a way to make this work., to fix this, to be okay. It isn't going to be though is it? I'm worried that this is the absolute, definite, forever end that I've always been afraid of. Despite everything, it's the last thing I want. You mean so much to me. I'm worried that the only times I'll ever see you will be like today. So close but yet so far away.

Dr. M, thank for your gentle manner and concern. You are the one who has truly seen me and my depression at my worst, even moreso than T, because you've seen the me in the hospital time and time again. You are the sweetest, gentlest soul, and you heard me yesterday. I appreciate that. I wish desparately that I could do what you say I need to do, but this is just not the time unfortunately.

So T, I'm going to need you to help me stay grounded over the next few days. I'll ask you for what I need when I see you today. I hope you'll agree to help me out here; I suspect you will; you know what is at stake.

Dear T,

You are so..... together.

How can one person be so !*%&#@&$# together?!

Do I have a hope of ever, ever being like that???

Dear T,

Thanks for the text, the weather is just the excuse I need to pull away from you.and isolate myself again. I don't dare tell you how stupid I was last night, so please don't ask how it went

T

It feels like this is a count down. I don't want this at all...

Even if it's just a break we need, I don't cope with breaks. I'm so stubborn too. I can imagine that I'll never contact you again, just because the goodbye was so painful. I can also imagine that finally, after four years you'll have the proper break you need from me. It will be so nice for you not having to deal with someone who has always needed you to work so hard during sessions. I feel quite sure that it will be such a relief and you'd probably feel great disappointment to hear from me in the future. Still, maybe that isn't possible after everything. I just want to know that it's okay anyway...even though this is all over...

I just can't believe that it will quite possibly be the last time I see you, hear you, and talk to you. I can't believe I might never sit in your office, safe and supported again. You said that last year you were too reactive to me in particular, so you should have taken a one month break from me. So I guess we've gone beyond that now, and this is the forever break you need from me. It's breaking my heart. The first person I've ever recalled feeling strongly attached to. I really risk it, I risk it...and then the heartbreak of not being good enough for that person. Not being wanted. All over again T. All over again. I always, always thought it was different with you.

How do I get through those last 50 minutes? My one person. I don't understand how this is okay....

Nightlight -
I'm so sorry for you. Does it have to be so final? Can you leave it so that you can contact T at some future point if you should ever need it?!

Thanks for your words and for hearing me bubsmiley. I really think she might be done with me. She's so not herself. I'll find out for sure in three days.

((((((Nightlight))))))))
I am SO, SO sorry you are going through this. I so know how overwhelmingly painful you must feel. Know that you can PM me if you need to. I would do anything to get us all out of this unremitting pain.

You've gone beyond the call of duty today. Thank you so much for caring for our whole family. You are an amazing pillar of strength in a crisis.

Dear T,

I have often fantasized about decorating your office, since you are so miserably bad at it. Why are your walls so bare? Goodness.

So... I made you some art. I am terrified to ask you if I can give it to you to put on your wall. How the heck am I going to pull this off?

Love,
Sally

Dear T,
I asked if you were sick of me yet. You, thankfully, said that you were still here and that you weren't going anywhere. Bless you for that. I hope that turns out to be true. I don't trust people anymore. What if I f### up so bad again that I lose you too. I know I didn't lose you last time, but maybe, someday. I guess I worry that one day you will see how hopeless I am and a waste of time and space. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have a right to breathe. But thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me yet.

nevermind. it hurts too much to re-read.