Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

dear T,

I named what I thought was definitely progress, and you said you hadn't noticed it.

So... am I just wasting your time?? Should I be coming at all, IYO ??

SAWE

Dear T,

I got through today. Did you think of me at all at 1:30? Actually I was very busy so I didn't think about missing you at the time of my session. But I feel disappointed and out-of-sorts. Is it really such a terrible thing if you email me? Would it be so terrible if I emailed you and asked you to reply to me? I'm a little scared. How do I know you are all right?

I wrote that I missed you and you still didn't answer. I know that if I'm more insistent, you WILL answer me but I don't want to beg you for a response. I feel kind of like you don't care as much about me as I thought you did. If you did, you'd know I expected a short reply when I told you about the baby. It feels like you're rejecting me. Are you really doing this FOR me, because of our rule? You and I both know that you break rules, so why THIS time are you being so strict? You didn't even answer me that you got my email to cancel today. If I email you and ask about it, and you give me some casual answer like "you sounded all right and we have the rule", I'd be heart-broken. I guess I'll just wait and try to judge you favorably. I have to call N. to cancel DBT but she hardly ever calls back.

I don't know WHY you're doing this. I feel like you're punishing me. It's probably my fault; I should have asked you last session if you'd email me after I told you about the baby. I'm too tired to water color. Maybe I'll use the kids' markers on a piece of paper to draw. I'm getting angry with you now!!!!

Love?
rainbow

Dear T,

Ok, I know you said to email & I didn't. HOWEVER, I AM bringing a handwritten list. That counts for something, right? If I can manage to get it out of my purse....

Dear Ex-T,

Talk to my T on the phone about me and his letter about me and stop putting it off and being a complete wuss; even my T sees it. We are losing patience and you are losing T-cred.

It's funny, pbutton to watch you having TOO much respect for T's boundaries even when he's urged you to reach out. I'll have my fingers crossed that you pull that thing out and show him.

Total tangent, but a cute story - my next pdoc appt is the same day as T. I see pdoc about 2 hrs earlier than T. I told T that I wouldn't have to email him to let him know what pdoc said. He said "Oh, but I wish you would ". So I responded that I'd use my hour in between the two appointments to construct a 16 page email about my life. Good luck to him trying to find time to read it before I got there because I was really going to WHINE if I didn't think he'd carefully inspected every word. We had a good laugh about that one.

Dear T,

I now have this fear that MKAC is going to meet me in your parking lot tomorrow & pin a note to my shirt that reads "I have a list in my purse"

Dear pbutton's therapist,

Pssst! She has a list in her purse!

Dear T,

No, I left my purse in the car & I won't be able to hide behind it today. Why do you ask?

**Trigger for SI**



T, what on earth are you going to even say to me when you see what I've done? What am I supposed to even say to explain myself? I honestly have no good logical explanation. I just know, I wanted it to keep hurting, I deserve it, as painful as it was it also felt good in some twisted way. I don't think I realized how much I was capable of doing, though. I really hurt myself. You have always accepted me no matter what, but I always fear I might do the one thing that makes you have to stop working with me, what if this is it? I need help. I promise I'll work hard to stop doing this but please give me the chance to at least try...

Hi T

I received full marks for my last assignment, despite the state my head has been in (because of everything that has happened). I thought I'd tell you here rather than in person because..I'm not sure how to word it. Because, I'm not actually academic or very intelligent, I do struggle a lot, and something that is marked generously doesn't really count. So I don't want you to use this as proof that I'm better than I think I am, but mostly I'm telling you here and not in person is because of what you said about all the other students you see. The "15 other people all said the exact same thing" comment.

I don't think you realised that you didn't ask anything about the results of my last exams, after you forgot I was having a particular (and difficult) one before I next saw you, when we'd talked about it for most of the previous session. Anyway, you know me. You know I left school early, you know how hard this is for me, but suddenly you are busier and because so many other students tell you the same thing, I'm not going to talk about anything related to my studies anymore. I'm not sure if you realise that, so I thought I'd tell you here. I survived my exam today too. It wasn't much fun since I managed so little work during the semester, but I'm glad it's over. I already passed the paper because 70% of the mark is from the internally assessed stuff.

I'm not sure if you changed your mind about keeping in contact with me while you're away. Maybe it hasn't been possible for you, but maybe you changed your mind because I was rather ambivalent about it. Still, I do hope all is well with you. One week and one day down, one week and six days to go. See you then.

amaj, I'm sorry things are in such a bad place for you. Once I got to a place where I ended up doing something that was just too much (and not like me). I do relate to taking the hurt out on yourself. I really hope your T helps as much as possible because it's such a rough place to be in.

To T and Pdoc,

I just need to let you know I stopped the Buspar and started taking Valerian Root. The Buspar wasn't working so I had to find something to help me and FAST so I could use the skills for the rest of the anxiety that was left.

Melisssad81

T, I have drafted a letter to you explaining two things I've had so much difficulty telling you about. I hope that I am brave enough to give this letter to you next week.

I hope you will be glad to get this letter and learn of these things and it helps you to help me better.

Why are you being so friendly?

Ew.

Dear pdoc, when I call for help I expect a response no matter what I say. Ok? Ok.

Not that you asked, ha, but buspar did nothing for me either, good to know valerian root does, will ask pdoc about it...good luck.

Dear T. Seriously, it was hard to stay awake during the text book explination. How many years did it take in T school to learn that one? Not helpful. At all.

I am in SO much pain inside.

Dear T,
I'm mad at you for canceling! Okay, I'm mad in general but I really needed you today. I'm agitated, and really want to hurt myself or others but no you had to cancel. WTF, I had to ask you what to say to pdoc tomorrow (today).

GRRR....
MM

Dear T,
I hope all goes well with you. I know you said I can call/email... but it's not the same. Three weeks is a long time.

I don't like this at all. This has all been too much. At least come back so I can talk about it? I don't know if I can be helped. I don't know if you can help me. I'm not sure if you really want to help me anymore. At least come back so I can talk to you about it? How can I say goodbye to you if that's what's going to happen? How can I? I never wanted this. I have no one to tell but you. Can you contact me like you said you would (if you could). Could you not find a way to, just once?

One week and two days down, one week and five days to go.

I did appreciate the text. Thank you for thinking of me. See you in one week and four days. Then we can find out where things stand.

You are such a mench that I am not sure how to handle it. I think I love you. And that scares the hell out of me. I don't mean I loooove you. There's nothing romantic about it, but I feel warm when I think about you. You are so respectful and gentle that it's intoxicating and weird and I like it but I don't like it, and I have to figure out some way to not hear it when you are being so kind to me because I just can't deal.

Dear T,

Tonight was a rough session, for both of us. I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you. I don't mean to upset you. I feel so overwhelmed. Thank you for not giving up on me yet.