Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,

__(my H) asked me to confirm my appointment with you tomorrow because he's worried about ice/snow. So I wrote this: Please confirm tomorrow's appointment so I know you're alive. That was not a joke. I'm afraid.

I did NOT email her this part. Only the above.
I'm not afraid of the weather. I'm afraid of why you didn't email me at all for 3 weeks. You're probably fine and thought I could handle it, that I wouldn't be upset. But I was. Yet I managed without asking you to write me. I'm sorry I broke down now but __ really did want me to be sure I have an appointment since I haven't heard from you to confirm it. I didn't tell you that I'm hurt, though. I will do that in the session. Now, if you don't reply I'll call you. Please email me soon.

Thank you.

rainbow

Dear T,
You are the nicest person in the world.

Dear T,

Thank you. You answered almost immediately: "I'm alive and kicking. See you tomorrow".

Well. I guess it was tough love these past 3 weeks, huh?
I wish it were tomorrow already so we can discuss it. Please, G-d, let the weather be okay.

Is it okay if I cry? Because you're okay and because part of me wished you weren't okay so you had a valid reason not to email me.

What is wrong with me that it hurts so much because you didn't acknowledge the baby? We will talk about that tomorrow. I'm going to take 50 mg of zoloft and maybe a valium too so I can get some sleep.

little rainbow
adult rainbow

Thanks, tractionbeam. I'm sorry you know the experience!

Dear T, I need to tell you I am still struggling with memories of last years suicide attempt. I can't keep myself busy enough so they don't bother me. It sucks being stuck in the past right now. I'm not having any anxiety right now either. I know that anniversary is coming up but I would hope that's not the only reason it's happening.

This sucks, T. This really, really sucks. I think I need to end therapy. But I. don't. know. how. What movie is that stupid line "I can't quit you" from? It's so, so true. I can't quit you, T. God, I wish I could.

But maybe it's good that it made me laugh that the line is from Brokeback Mountain (I looked it up). I'm not angling for a Brokeback moment with you, T, I promise.

Dear T,

I wish you could honestly tell me it would be okay to quit pretending that everything is okay. To quit smiling and going on with life as if nothing is wrong. It's one thing to do it for my kids as I don't want to worry them, but it's exhausting to do it for everyone else. You tell me to just go ahead and do it, let it all out, but I just can't. If everyone around me knew just how bad my chronic pain truly is or now, about my eating disorder, I just couldn't face it. I don't want looks of pity or even to hear that I'm putting my family through another health crisis. Trust me, it's been 5 years since my nerve pain started. I know what I've put them through. And now you add my ED to the mix, I just can't do it. But I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. I just can't take this anymore. I'm really afraid to tell you just how much.

On one brighter note, I'm glad we're seeing each other twice a week right now. You're helping me see the light on at least getting in for the assessment at the ED clinic. It still scares the heck out of me, but with your guidance, I'll get there. So thank you for that. My DH thanks you too.

Dear T,

I need you to want me to stay. I need to be important to you. I'm not, and it hurts. I'm so torn. Keep thinking about ending this but not sure what to do. Sometimes it seems like you don't know me at all, but I don't believe that could be true. You should know me by now.

PS: You should also know that I'm not a child who is easily fooled. I just get upset when the tension rises between us and I back down and let things go. Knowing full well the issue will raise its ugly head again.

Okay, T, really? You're not going to contact me today either? Not cool, T. Not cool.

T - I haven't emailed you in over a week. It feels weird. I feel like I should email you. I know you'll probably ask me about it when we meet on Thursday. Honestly, though, I just have nothing important to say in email. I have things I want to talk to you about, I have things I've written in my journal about, but I just don't feel like I want to communicate by email. I'm not sure if it's me trying to distance myself from you, or if I really just have nothing I want to share right now.

****. I am so sorry.

T You are now a celebrity. I am not sure how to feel about this. Part of me is soo happy for you but the other part thinks now that you will be leaving soon

Yeah, I know when you asked I said it was okay that you said that today. It is okay, I guess, and I totally know it's the truth. Still crying about it though.

Ummm.. How is it that I can talk (for the most part) about the most uncomfortable things with you??? I guess this is a sign that you are a good t! Thanks!

Dear T,

Thanks for that call today (I know it was crappy) and setting up that appt...but you missed a GIGANTIC part of this and if you think you can deal with the "fallout" you have NO IDEA where I am at or who I am, or maybe you are just hoping.
Ain't gonna happen...it's probably better if you just duck or run.

T,
My trust in you has been shaken. You can say it with as much power as you want but are still wrong. I am trying to leave you and hope I have the courage to let go. I am not going where you are leading, push, push it helps me to leave. We have come as far as I want.

Thank you t for being so honest and open with me. It makes it easy for me to be the same with you. I just wish I didn't love you so darn much.....

Dear T, thanks for working things out so that i can come back. i really thought you were trying to tell me last time you didn't have any openings for me. i tried looking at the facts and they said otherwise, but it still felt that way to me. sorry i freaked out about it.

i am hoping if i ask you can help me find ways of getting myself out of that damn point of no return.... i lose myself and all awareness of what is going on around me and also lose any feeling of safety....just feel a need to RUN LIKE HELL....FAR AWAY FROM WHERE EVER I AM...

and i. don't. like. it. one. damn. bit.

Oh T....... I am going to be shaking in my boots by the time tomorrow morning comes and I'm waiting to see you. I think you'll be angry with me for finding out something about you and your family. I really don't like these maternal feelings you represent for me. Try sitting in my seat and see how it feels. Bet you don't know.

NC
x

T, I really want to talk to you sooner than our next appointment. I've got realizations coming out the yingyang right now and they're driving me back up into my head and I don't like being all up in my head anymore. I hear you saying "find your feet" and I'm trying, I'm trying. I feel like somebody just emptied a dumptruck of realizations over my head and I'm drowning in them. What's that you say t? I'm a swimmer, swim to the top of them? Ok I'll try that. OMG I do have an inner t. Zoiks.

Dear T, it is disturbing to me that I don't know my sexuality at 31. Can u help me?

Dear T, i'm sorry...

oh Artemis, what must it be to have a dumptruck of realizations emptied over your head. See if you can write them down before they slip away!!!