Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear t,
Your question about if I considered cancelling my session left me feeling useless and abandoned. I felt like you were suggesting I should have cancelled. And maybe you're right... what's the point of all this talk anyway? In that one session I feel like I lost an entire year's worth of progress. You made me feel small. I think I should just stop this whole charade. Why bother? Nothing is ever going to change. I couldn't find the words yesterday to tell you how much I am hurting right now. How bad it really is... and you left me hanging with another "I am not going to do it for you" statement. Am I really that good at disguising the pain? I thought by now you'd recognize that, but I guess not. I really am all alone.

Dear T ,

I like our new arrangement and I'm gonna stick with it for awhile.

Peace out-Lola

No, I really did want to know if you loved me.

Dear t:
You don't feel safe anymore. I am not sure I trust you.

*trigger SI*

Dear T,
You're going to think I f'd up. I didn't, I planned it all day. It was calculated researched, designed and thanks to my skills w. a razor came out pretty well. A bit bigger then I thought. I was not overemotional or anything just calm and collective. You were suppose to call me back today and no talking to you would not have stopped it. I wanted to brand myself. Are you going to ask me about it when you call? Can we just call it scarification? It wasn't because of high anxiety and it made my anxiety worse so it doesn't count right? but it is art. Sorry but I'm not going to say anything if you don't ask. Yes I am safe and so is everyone around me.

sincerely,
MM

T,
You called and talked to my husband. I know you did that so you wouldn't scare me. I'm so glad you were on speaker or that would have freaked me out. I'm already scared and it 10 days away. Then you want me to call you if I need a sooner appointment WTF does that mean. I've just started calling you to re-schedule when you cancel. I know it always works out but please let me go home next time I see you.
sincerely,
MM
ps: thanks for not mentioning the note to my husband.

Dear T,

It's going to be a REALLY long weekend. And I need to see you at our normal Monday session time but you moved it to Tuesday to accomodate someone else. Huh. So do they need it MORE than me?? It's MY time I have had for YEARS. Next time I am saying NO.

T

I do need your help. Even if it's just to say goodbye to you, I need you to help me do that.

I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. I don't want to be. Nobody sees me, hears me, wants me. I have nobody to talk to. Even if we could survive what has happened between us, I don't think I can afford your help anymore. You're my one person and it all comes down to this.

I need your help. I don't often ask, not really. I'll try not to ask again. Perhaps I won't have to. Perhaps my wishes will come true (maybe just this once).

I don't understand, not really. I don't understand what I did so wrong to be this person, living this life. I am nobody and that's who I deserve to be. I wish I was less than nobody though, I wish I was gone.

Nightlight

Nightlight, I know things aren't going well between you and your T and I know from experience how much that hurts. My T was also my one person, but things went wrong, I terminated therapy and even though I thought I couldn't survive it, I did. You can, too.

You have a lot of support here - lots of people to talk to when you need to. I understand that you feel like you're alone, but you're not.

Please ring hospital if you don't feel safe - please ring before you fall off the edge.

Bluey xx

I really don't have anyone else to talk to or turn to. But it's the weekend and I will not bother you now. I'm just hurting inside and want to punish myself.

Dear T,

It's still only Saturday and M is making me ANXIOUS and I want to fix this right now but I know I can't FIX another person, esp. when they should have gotten help by now. But his projection weighs almost more than I can take and if you are feeling it too than that makes me angry and how am I going to FINALLY see him after soo long and deal with these issues when he is making me angry?? He has to talk to you on Tuesday or I am calling him myself and leaving him a message to get it in order so we can move along.

Dear T,
I'm scared of you now.

I am an abuse survivor and a r*pe survivor.

Don't make me feel even MORE vulnerable and victimized by being so gd friendly that I wonder if you are violating therapeutic boundaries.

In other words, act like a t, not a friend!

Carol

Dear T:
We will have much to discuss in a week...
Me.

PS - I am still a tiny bit angry with you.

Dear T:
need to reach out to you today to get all this pain of my chest. I wish I knew you would be availaible for more than a brief check in because I think I could use your support. Sorry I keep calling and hanging up but afraid of being that needy client of yours who disturbs your day. Wish we were meeting this week and could tell you I feel disappointed that you have a training on our day. sad I have to feel that I have to censure what I say around my use of meds because you might feel the need to intervene with a phone call. If I can't tell you about all the things I do what happens? maybe I should not do the things I do and then you would not be placed in that position. Sorry I can not share with you today.

Dear T,

Today I don't even care. About any of it. Whatever.

Dear T,

Thanks for apologizing to me.. I appreciate it.

Healed.

Thank you for being so available. I'll never take it for granted because I appreciate it so much.

T, you've hurt me more than anyone else before you.

Ok, I did something stupid, I found something out about you that has made me feel like just another client on the list, just another number. I feel stupid and childish and unwanted. You're going to ask me about this on Thursday but I don't know if I can give you details of what I know - I don't want you to be angry with me

Dear T, i don't know what to do. I won't be able to tell you today but I'm really struggling. Please help me!

You're not going to contact me today, are you?

Pdoc,

Why was I just there? So you could tell me it's best to stop trying to figure out what other people (person) is thinking at night so I can try and sleep? Dude, that goes back like 3+ years and I don't need you to tell me that. I mean, I KNOW that and if I could control this **** I would.
I thought I wanted you to be my T when you said you see clients on a therapy basis too, but that you were "full" because my ex-pdoc jerk left and you got all his patients. I was hurt then, but maybe that was good. You might be too quiet for me and not clued-in enough...I don't think you have ANY idea of what a mess I am in right now. OR how messed UP I am right now.
I guess that is what my T is for, huh? And you just give me my klonopin...and a million depression drugs we have tried that NEVER work and always give me the 1% side effect that is god-awful and I can't tolerate.
P.S. Can I have my copay back from today? I can use it tomorrow to pay my T.

You seem nice, almost cheerful and that's a stark contrast from my ultra-professional all business last T. So, I already like you better personality-wise but I still don't know if you can handle all the dark parts of me. I purged a large amount of blood last night and I am worried this means you won't want to treat me. I don't know you well enough to know how you will want to proceed. I don't know if I can trust you with this info. If I do tell you, please, please, don't dump me as a client, I've got nowhere else to turn right now.

That knot of anxiety I told you about before? It seems to have taken up permanent residence in my gut. I'm setting myself up, again, to feel disappointed, and seemingly, full of rage. This is ridiculous.

ohh I get the same knot...it feels awful. I am so sorry!