Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Hey, T.

#$!@* %@!%* %*#(!*%. *&$!!$%.

Yep.

T,

I'm not sure when you're travelling back this way, but I hope you have a safe trip.

T,
You didn't call and say my paranoia was unfounded. Does that mean it is? I want to cancel if your going to suggest the crisis unit. Please call me Friday. I need to know if I should. pack.

MM

T,

Why?

Dear T,

Sometimes I sit here and I feel like I'm 4 years old and want crawl in your lap because I know you won't hit me, put me down, say I'm not as good as my brother etc. But it would hurt too much to tell you and you how much I hate to cry.

Arghhhhhhhh I am so stupid

Me again. I'm feeling urges to hurt myself. I haven't felt like that for a long while. I've gone to bed and my cat is lying next to me purring. I hope I can sleep these urges away. Maybe I'll be braver when I see you next Thursday.

Dear T,

Remember when I told you today that if I'm responsible for calling the intake team at the ED clinic for getting an assessment done that I wouldn't be able to do it? Well, guess what. They wouldn't let the care coordinator do it for me, so now it's in my hands again and I just can't do it. And they wont call me to initiate the call either. I've hung up the phone now 4 times trying to do it myself. I'll maybe try again tomorrow. Sorry

Dear T,
I am so sorry. I feel so guilty for being so crazy and wasting your time. I appreciate you, although it may not seem that way. I apologize if you were vicariously traumatized by my high anxiety. Thank you for being so kind and understanding, I don't feel like I deserve that.

Anti matter

I am kind of freaking out about seeing you tomorrow.

T,
Please ignore the whole last three weeks of information/letters. We don't need to talk about them. I'm doing better I swear but please call and say you won't send me to the crisis unit. Really, I promise.

MM

Dear T, thanks for the great session. the connection felt real, and good, and scary all at the same time. and i feel like i talked way too much.

and i think i finally figured out the reason for the freak out the last time. you commented on my weight right at the end, and that is a ticking time bomb that we haven't discussed yet.... not ready to let the cat out of the bag yet.

thanks again. and see ya in three weeks...

Thank you, T. I needed the connection I felt with you today. It's been a long time coming.

I wonder if we're done? How do I let go of the things you said, the way you spoke to me and the things you forgot?

Often I feel stronger after all that has happened. It's not a good sort of strong though. It's strong like I was as a child. Strong because I have to be because I am alone. Strong because I can function but not fix the big hurts.

I think I needed you to love me back, but I understand that you don't. It's excruciatingly shameful to feel this way. I've never felt this sort of connection with anyone before and I'm so sad that I feel this way in relation to you.

I felt like all this stuff was something to work through. I needed to share it before I could move forwards with my life and you're the first person I've shared it with. But our relationship was no more safe that any other. It's about the least safe really, because of the boundaries that mean I'll only have you while you work with me and we've been in danger of losing that lately.

Perhaps you're back now. It's quite likely. I guess I'll just sit with the silence for a while longer. I liked it when you used to do the right thing by me.

I don't think I need people. I think I can stand strong on my own. Maybe I can use what you've taught me to be functional in life. I just won't bother with relationships. They are too painful for me because I've needed so much from them and it's just not possible. I missed out and that's just something I'll accept.

It's so excruciatingly shameful to sit and talk to someone in a professional relationship about how much they mean to you when it's not returned.

There's no way whatsoever that this stuff can be sorted out in 50 minute weekly time slots. It's far, far too serious for that.

I am beyond help.

No my friend. You are not beyond help. You have shown an incredible depth of compassion for me and others on these boards and that part of you tells me you are a deeply intelligent and thoughtful person....with many qualities that I can only imagine shine even brighter when things are well for you. You are not beyond help

T,

You always pay me a compliment like telling me I am working hard, even when I tell you what a mess my behaviors are. I don't know if you are just trying to prop up my sorry self and are reaching for anything positive to say or if you genuinely believe it. We are a few sessions In now and it's getting to that point where I need to decide to go all in and trust your ability to help or decide whether you are in over your head. I don't want to put my life in your hands If you aren't up to the task. I need a breakthrough moment, one that tells me you are the right t for me, please.

Thanks.

I wish I could fix the situation, I wish I could fix my life. I've really tried so hard for so long. I don't have much left. I need T to come through for me, but that seems unlikely. I can't afford help from anyone else (and don't even want it if I could). I feel like I'm done.

I hope she comes through for you too. Sending you lots of

T, I have a couple questions to ask you next time we talk. I need to understand what you mean by containing the process - when you say "we all need someone to contain our process". I mean I get a general idea behind the words. But what do YOU mean when you say them? My other question is, t, do you think I think too much?! love, me

T I'm afraid to tell you I'm discovering my sexuality and I know I'm bisexual. I'm most afraid you'll hate or laugh at me.

I dont know what to do. Please help me

Dear T,
I say it over and over again, that I don't know what to ask for or how to ask for it. But you don't get it... you don't explore it with me... I try to think of things that will work, but you don't go there... Can you please tell me how to say it right so I can say everything that I need to say?

Also, even though we have only met a small handful of times, I feel like I'm losing faith in your abilities... I know you are learning and can likely pick them up, but I need to not be allowed to fall apart so badly again. I desperately want someone to help keep me together... And I desperately need you to figure out what I'm trying not to tell you, because it will be my downfall.

I've been so sad for a little while that you started nudging me to move on. You say I'm so much better, see me get anxious at what we know this means, and then tell me that you aren't going anywhere? It soothed me at the time, but I think you were trying to make me feel it would be my choice when to walk and I wouldn't feel abandoned yet again. Regardless, you are trying to get rid of me. The thing is - I have gotten stronger but I feel we have missed some connecting with each other and that is something I need to work on in general with relationships. I wish you would push me to make more eye contact with you. You say lovely, supportive things and I say nothing and look down. I never reciprocate or show appreciation -even though you have saved my life. I don't know how to tell you. I want to so much. I barely thank you at then end of a session.

Oh - and ...I just don't want to lose you.

Dear T,

I wish I could find it in myself to believe you when you insist that you care about me.

I have nothing and no one. You already know this, T, but I haven't anywhere else to say it. I hope if I say it aloud enough I will one day be able to accept it and be okay with it. Yes, I have nothing and no one.