[EeyoreSmile]

I don't really know where to turn because I am struggling a lot with my mother. My shrink and I are working on mommy issues and then they just jumped and smacked me in the face as I prepare to go home for the holidays. The incredibly long story, cut extremely short is.. my mom says that I expect too much from her and she wants to live her life... and that means that it's not about me anymore.

Now to give a bit of background as objectively as I can. I am the youngest of 3. I moved across the country for college... and paid my way through it all. I then came home for 9 months between undergrad and graduate school.. when I moved across the country again to a different region where I've lived for the past 7 years. I go home a maximum of 3 times a year.. the longest i've been home in a stretch since graduate school is 10 days. That was last year, when my mom was dating her boyfriend and she decided it was all about him and that was the beginning of me having to get over it.

I have asked my mom for financial assistance maybe 4 times since I was 18.. and that was just, hey if you can spare anything can you help me out. I don't ask her for anything except for maybe breakfast when I am home and to have coffee when I visit. She used to come and visit me twice a year.. and last year she went an entire year giving me excuses why she couldn't...

She told me that she wasn't going to be spending her Christmases with me anymore and I should prepare myself for that because I'm not a child any more. She said if I had a spouse or children I'd understand, but I don't so I just need to not take it personally. She has her own issues to deal with and she just wants to "do her."

I don't know how to not feel cast aside. I don't know that I can suck this up and continue to have a relationship at all with her when she is making it clear that what i want, need, is no longer important.

Have I been there for my mom? yup. I love her. I give her anything I can.. I help her with stuff around the house when I am around. she recently retired and I threw her a surprise party. I ask her about what's going on and give her advice.. She is now on a fixed income, and I've asked about her finances so if I need to send her money, I can cut off my cable or do whatever.

She told me I dont understand what its like for so many things to pull on her... and that she is alone at 60 and cannot face the fact that she is spending her golden years alone.. so she can't be there for me because she has bigger issues where she needs to make changes in her life right now.

Shrug.. I dont have a question.. any feed back will be great.. I just want to understand how to cope. because ive never felt this sad/depressed/rejected in my life.

Add: My father died when i was 13.. and he didn't have a family. And my mother is no longer with her boyfriend.. and has no boyfriend right now.

[feralkittymom]

I'm so sorry. She doesn't want to be alone: hello, she has a daughter who obviously cares about her.

I can sympathize with her feeling a fear about looking ahead to the waning of years, but I don't see how pushing you aside helps her. What are the changes she wants to make? I don't know what to say except that maybe if she's going through something, giving her time and space to sort it out might help. You can't control what she chooses to do anyway. The challenge would be to be able to do that and not let it reflect on you. Can you create an emotional distance between your feelings for her and her current behavior?

[unaluna]

yeah, I am confused. is she saying she's going on a cruise without you or what?? which would be kind of cold. on the other hand, you have the freedom to start having your own holidays, starting your own traditions, even if you are single. and you can invite her, instead of going there. is that what she's saying? You don't say what the other sibs are doing. You don't live near her. why do you expect or want to "go home" for the holidays?

[EeyoreSmile]

Originally Posted by hankster

yeah, I am confused. is she saying she's going on a cruise without you or what?? which would be kind of cold. on the other hand, you have the freedom to start having your own holidays, starting your own traditions, even if you are single. and you can invite her, instead of going there. is that what she's saying? You don't say what the other sibs are doing. You don't live near her. why do you expect or want to "go home" for the holidays?

Next year, she says she's doing something different, so get ready for that. She is sick of being in my hometown... My sister lives there, and my brother probably isn't coming home because he has to work. My entire family spends Christmas together, aunts, uncles, cousins, spouses.. 2nd cousins. .we do christmas together and I've always gone home.. usually my mom calls to say ask when... that's my tradition. Even in a relationship, I go home for the 25th and 26th because my mom has a party on the 26th, usually.

If I stay down here, then I can find something to do, but people spend Christmas with their families when they get along. I guess I never assumed my family would want to do something different. My tradition is to spend it with my mom. And she doesn't want to visit me... she wants to just "do her," which she made clear doesn't include me after this year.. which makes me not want to go home this year. She says I'm being selfish. I told her I don't have to come home, she said it's fine if I come home this year.

I don't know. I'm confused.. I guess i don't get what I want. and i'll have to get used to it, even if i don;t understand why.

[EeyoreSmile]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm so sorry. She doesn't want to be alone: hello, she has a daughter who obviously cares about her.

I can sympathize with her feeling a fear about looking ahead to the waning of years, but I don't see how pushing you aside helps her. What are the changes she wants to make? I don't know what to say except that maybe if she's going through something, giving her time and space to sort it out might help. You can't control what she chooses to do anyway. The challenge would be to be able to do that and not let it reflect on you. Can you create an emotional distance between your feelings for her and her current behavior?

She wants to move to a warmer place.. and she wants to get married again.. and start a new business to make money to supplement retirement income.

And I don't know what to do... this is clearly the hot topic for T until Christmas.. but since my core issues involve rejection, not trusting anyone, and never feeling accepted for who I am... this is triggering everything inside of me.. and makes me want to run far away fromt he entire situation. My T said it was flawed thinking and I agree, but I FEEL like if your mom can shove you aside... then daggumit anyone can and who wants to take that chance.

This makes me sad and mad all at the same time ... Sad for (((YOU))) ... And mad at your mom for casting you aside as if you mean nothing to her ... I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with the pain of all this ... !!!

,
Pfrog!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by EeyoreSmile

I don't know. I'm confused.. I guess i don't get what I want. and i'll have to get used to it, even if i don;t understand why.

I guess the grass is always greener. I would have loved to have been given your freedom. I spent all those years forced to be my mother's fifth wheel because she didn't want to be alone and she didn't have anybody else. Now i'm 60, and I have no traditions of my own, and no time left to build any. She's pushing you out of the nest for your own good, I think. She might be a good mom after all. I can't believe you threw her a surprise retirement party, that is AWESOME! It shows connection. My mother only wants things from my brother, not from me (and she's very disappointed that she doesn't get them). Maybe she sees you two more as equals now?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by EeyoreSmile

She wants to move to a warmer place.. and she wants to get married again.. and start a new business to make money to supplement retirement income.

these are all good things. you'll have someplace sunny to visit when she gets settled, no? the only constant is change.

[EeyoreSmile]

Originally Posted by hankster

these are all good things. you'll have someplace sunny to visit when she gets settled, no? the only constant is change.

I hear you... but I think she wants a clean slate. I won't ask her to visit. I'll let her make her changes on her own... and be free. I want to give her her space.

And pushed out of the nest? I've left the nest.. my mom told us we had to go away to school to experience the world.. and I have.. Ive traveled.. I've built a life for myself in 4 cities... I'm not dependent on my mother. I just want to spend the holidays with her.. or maybe I just want her to want to spend the holidays with me. :-\ She doesnt see us as equals. She still tries to check me about my tone of voice.. and what it is I need to do or not do.. She just feels like she's sacrificed enough so I should quit my whining and asking for or expecting anything.

Hankster, I'm sorry about your relationship with your mother. That sounds tough.. :-(

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by EeyoreSmile

Hankster, I'm sorry about your relationship with your mother. That sounds tough.. :-(

ah, I didn't really have a mom - you can feel sorry for my T's, though! I think I torture(d) them!

[stopdog]

Could you still spend holiday time with your sibling and other family members?

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by EeyoreSmile

Next year, she says she's doing something different, so get ready for that. She is sick of being in my hometown... My sister lives there, and my brother probably isn't coming home because he has to work. My entire family spends Christmas together, aunts, uncles, cousins, spouses.. 2nd cousins. .we do christmas together and I've always gone home.. usually my mom calls to say ask when... that's my tradition. Even in a relationship, I go home for the 25th and 26th because my mom has a party on the 26th, usually.

If I stay down here, then I can find something to do, but people spend Christmas with their families when they get along. I guess I never assumed my family would want to do something different. My tradition is to spend it with my mom. And she doesn't want to visit me... she wants to just "do her," which she made clear doesn't include me after this year.. which makes me not want to go home this year. She says I'm being selfish. I told her I don't have to come home, she said it's fine if I come home this year.

I don't know. I'm confused.. I guess i don't get what I want. and i'll have to get used to it, even if i don;t understand why.

Ok, I thought she was telling you not to come this year. So you're making that choice. She is giving you a year's notice that she wants to make changes in her life. It does sound like she doesn't want the responsibility of the entire family thing--that it's not just about you.

It sounds like you have lots to process with your T. Your Mom is your Mom, but she's also an individual with her own needs. Maybe if you can recognize her needs as valid, she'll be more likely to recognize yours, too.

[EeyoreSmile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Could you still spend holiday time with your sibling and other family members?

Yeah, I don't want to go home, but I know I have to. It would create way more conflict and drama if I were to stay down here. I don't think I'm going to stay at my mom's house though.

[EeyoreSmile]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Ok, I thought she was telling you not to come this year. So you're making that choice. She is giving you a year's notice that she wants to make changes in her life. It does sound like she doesn't want the responsibility of the entire family thing--that it's not just about you.

It sounds like you have lots to process with your T. Your Mom is your Mom, but she's also an individual with her own needs. Maybe if you can recognize her needs as valid, she'll be more likely to recognize yours, too.

I will... I just feel alone. I am alone. I just will have to meet my needs elsewhere.

Thank you everyone for your feedback. i do appreciate it.. more than you know. It's Saturday morning and I really needed someone to hear me. I just have to find a place IRL where I belong.

Eeyeoresmile, This is just so heartbreaking for you
I get a sense of deep sadness and hurt on your mothers part. I think she is so hurt right now as she is alone and probably depressed especially about christmas that she is lashing out on her nearest and dearest aka-you. I know it hurts but think of it like this everything is uncertain for her right now, she is trying to find herself again, she is not thinking straight and maybe just needs you to come closer, she is pushing you away but don't let her. She will thank you for it when her thinking is clearer. When people are upset or going through a difficult time everything becomes about them and sometimes they need to see the wider picture that they are loved and cared for.