I haven't been posting much lately because I have been going through some stuff with my T. After three years, and much consideration and discussion about the possibility of termination, I terminated my therapy with him. It's now been two weeks.

I handled it poorly ( by not meeting with him) and I am not proud of it. It might be a later regret but, right now, I feel safer and am just happy it's done.

For the three years I have been with him, I have discussed how triggered I get by the calls from his staff during his planned weeks off. I have asked not to be called but then (after discussion with him) decided not to follow through because of our conversation, I have called his office in anticipation of being called to remind them I remembered, I have ignored them, not answered, and more. Once, when discussing with him, I said I didn't want to be treated differently because I didn't want the staff to walk on eggshells around me. (It was MY trigger, not theirs) T said that was the EXACT reason he had not mentioned to them earlier, but he also did nothing to make it safer for me. We've talked, fairly consistently, about it for over a year. This Thanksgiving, I realized, because of the importance of therapy to me, I have tolerated it and *I* have been the one who is walking on eggshells. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Plus, a couple of months ago, I was concerned with the number of appointments T has cancelled. Since the first part of June, he has cancelled 7 appointments. Since this was the pattern with former T, it served as another trigger. I asked T if we could talk about how difficult it has been for me since it is so similar to my previous experience. T agreed. He said, he is not my old T. He asked me why I thought he would terminate me, since he has never given me any indication of such. I reminded him former T didn't either.

I (half-jokingly) said, I had to schedule weekly appointments just to see him once or twice a month. In late October, T shared his schedule through the end of the year. He said he would be present the week of Thanksgiving and off two weeks at Christmas. One week prior to Thanksgiving, he announced at the beginning of my session, he would also be out for Thanksgiving week.

That week, the staff called and left a message which said, "they wished to make sure I remembered he would be gone", I broke.

Before my decision to leave, I tried to think of T and how it might affect him. I realized, I didn't know the answer. I didn't know him. In my three years of therapy, T had not shared many personal experiences with me, especially relational experiences (including his own experience in my therapy). It scared me. Some may say, he did his job well.

I just realized, I didn't know him.

So, that's it. My therapy has ended.

[CantExplain]

((Lost))

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I handled it poorly ( by not meeting with him) and I am not proud of it. It might be a later regret but, right now, I feel safer and am just happy it's done.

I can relate to this. When I'm feeling powerless, I will often take decisive action to redress the balance. Sometime with awkward consequences.

[ECHOES]

T's schedule changes and absences are so hard. I struggled with this last year when the holiday month schedule seemed to change every week.

I can see where your T's office staff feels like they are being considerate and thoughtful by reminding patients about the schedule. When it took an hour to get to my T by bus, I would have been glad for the reminder. But you don't want to be reminded, and I can understand that - it's hard enough all the disruptions and missing T.

I imagine the staff has a printout of the 'usual' schedule and they run through it top to bottom and make those calls. (Like when my dentist or doctor or vet calls to remind that I have an appt. the following day.) I wonder why they couldn't notate your information to show that you don't want to be called.

If you want to, could you meet with your T one more time, to talk about this again and to see if there is a way to resolve it permanently?

[elliemay]

The scheduling changes would be problematic for me as well. Cancelling appointments every now and then is okay, if its becoming a habit, that's something different.

I do not understand the issue with the staff calling you. Ultimately did you decide for them to stop and they continued anyway? If so, that's really disrespectful of them.

As far as not knowing your therapist, yeah, that can be rough. Did you ask him about his therapy experiences? I mean maybe he really doesn't want to talk about them. I typically only talk about therapy in therapy, or, to some extent here. It's kinda my thing you know? It's between me and my therapist really. Maybe that's how your therapist feels about it too.

I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't left, the scheduling thing alone would be enough to make me seriously consider it. When I say I'm going to be at my job, well, it the honorable thing to do to be there you know?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I handled it poorly ( by not meeting with him) and I am not proud of it. It might be a later regret but, right now, I feel safer and am just happy it's done.

That is NOT handling it poorly! It's your decision when, how and why to stop. There aren't any rules about it. You had discussed things several times and were feeling increasingly uncomfortable, so you protected yourself and just quit. That's commendable.

Maybe you can give yourself some breathing room, and do something extra kind for yourself each week to fill in the gap. When you're ready if you like you can look for another T, or just take a bunch of time off from therapy. It's your life, your schedule. Do what's best for you.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

If you want to, could you meet with your T one more time, to talk about this again and to see if there is a way to resolve it permanently?

I am not interested in meeting him right now. I did mention a future meeting, it just doesn't feel "safe" enough now to return. I truly believe HE is safe, I do not feel that way about his office.

I discussed it with him. MANY times. Ultimately, I realized *I* was the one hurting myself by allowing T not to address the issue.

I terminated via email. He responded. I sent a follow up email taking responsibility for the way I terminated and this past weekend, he sent another email saying he appreciated the follow up and it made it better. In his email, he said he KNEW the phone calls were always hard for me.

With this knowledge, he had the opportunity to take some action, it was his choice to keep it status quo. I have reached a point, I just can't take it anymore!

[Sannah]

Working through triggers is very helpful. You and your T didn't make progress trying to figure out these triggers?

Sounds like you are scared of T now because you feel that you don't know him?

Originally Posted by elliemay

I do not understand the issue with the staff calling you. Ultimately did you decide for them to stop and they continued anyway? If so, that's really disrespectful of them.

As far as not knowing your therapist, yeah, that can be rough. Did you ask him about his therapy experiences? I mean maybe he really doesn't want to talk about them. I typically only talk about therapy in therapy, or, to some extent here. It's kinda my thing you know? It's between me and my therapist really. Maybe that's how your therapist feels about it too.

I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't left, the scheduling thing alone would be enough to make me seriously consider it. When I say I'm going to be at my job, well, it the honorable thing to do to be there you know?

Elliemay,thanks for your comment.

Shortly after I began therapy, I realized this might be an issue for me. I asked T if he could ask his staff not to call me. His concern was making the request might make them feel uncomfortable around me. He used the expression, '"walking on eggshells". He said something like, you wouldn't want that, would you? Of course, I didn't. So I didn't press the issue. The trigger was ALWAYS there and continued to be a problem.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

His concern was making the request might make THEM feel uncomfortable around me. He used the expression, '"walking on eggshells". He said something like, you wouldn't want that, would you? Of course, I didn't. So I didn't press the issue. The trigger was ALWAYS there and continued to be a problem.

I think it's ridiculous to make you responsible for how his staff react to a reasonable request. His concern shouldn't be for them and their reactions - it should be for you, the person he's being paid to help.

I've been very fortunate that the only times my T has cancelled have been because the weather was so bad, the governor put up driving restrictions. Even then, he offered a phone session instead. If he routinely cancelled, I would have a lot of trouble with that. And being called to remind me that I can't see him would really bug me, too.

[karebear1]

I don't understand the walking on eggshells comment at all. I would think it would be easier for them to NOT have to call someone to remind them that there was no appointment that week. How hard is it to say to your staff, "I got good news for you girls! Lost doesn't need reminder calls about me being gone for the week. She's super sharp on all that stuff, so you don't need to worry about making a call to her." It almost sounds like he wants to rub it in and make you feel bad that he won't be there that week. So silly.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Working through triggers is very helpful. You and your T didn't make progress trying to figure out these triggers?

Sounds like you are scared of T now because you feel that you don't know him?

I am scared. I don't know if I am scared of T, just his office.

Before this happened, we tried to figure out. I think we both saw the writing on the wall as I was discussing the possibility of leaving therapy. After a period of time, the triggers were also in conversations. A few months ago, I asked him to PLEASE STOP! His reply, stop what?

We just weren't successful.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I am scared. I don't know if I am scared of T, just his office.

Before this happened, we tried to figure out. I think we both saw the writing on the wall as I was discussing the possibility of leaving therapy. After a period of time, the triggers were also in conversations. A few months ago, I asked him to PLEASE STOP! His reply, stop what?

We just weren't successful.

Are you sure that your T saw the same writing on the wall that you did?

It seems that you weren't successful because you weren't able to really get down to work on the issues. Your T said "stop what". He probably has no idea what is going on in your head. If you want to work on a trigger a very clear conversation needs to occur with your T.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I asked T if he could ask his staff not to call me. His concern was making the request might make them feel uncomfortable around me. He used the expression, '"walking on eggshells". He said something like, you wouldn't want that, would you? Of course, I didn't. So I didn't press the issue. The trigger was ALWAYS there and continued to be a problem.

It doesn't sound like this was discussed very much at all?

Originally Posted by karebear1

I don't understand the walking on eggshells comment at all. I would think it would be easier for them to NOT have to call someone to remind them that there was no appointment that week. How hard is it to say to your staff, "I got good news for you girls! Lost doesn't need reminder calls about me being gone for the week. She's super sharp on all that stuff, so you don't need to worry about making a call to her." It almost sounds like he wants to rub it in and make you feel bad that he won't be there that week. So silly.

Agree. But, I had made requests before. Once, T shared my private email with staff and I felt my boundaries were violated. Once, me and another client showed up at the same time because of a double booked situation. He addressed those. And, I left T after a rupture last year and came back a few months later.The staff cancelled me and then had to place me back in the system.

It IS silly. After this last message, I sent T an angry email. (We had just discussed this very thing a few days before) Basically, I said, I received the message from staff making sure I remembered he cancelled and would not be there the next day. I also wrote, No. I didn't remember. Clients, like me, are incapable of remembering conversations with our therapists. Then I wrote, GIVE ME A BREAK!

Originally Posted by Sannah

It doesn't sound like this was discussed very much at all?

It was discussed throughout my therapy. Eventually,it manifested in other ways. Specifically, it began to come out in random conversations. A few months back, I asked him to please HELP me understand why reminders were so troubling. It no longer was just the calls, but, also, the way he was communicating with me.

Once I sent an email which was titled,"A friendly reminders about the reminders."

Then a month or so ago, I told him I needed it to STOP.

We tried to work through it but neither of us could really figure it out.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

Shortly after I began therapy, I realized this might be an issue for me. I asked T if he could ask his staff not to call me. His concern was making the request might make them feel uncomfortable around me.

Do you mean they called you to remind you of your appointment? My T's office did that, until I mentioned it to him and his response was "tell them not to." I did, and then they didn't call anymore. Nobody, including my T, made a big deal out of such a simple request, so I'm sort of baffled why your T thought it would lead to such a dramatic result.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you sure that your T saw the same writing on the wall that you did?

It seems that you weren't successful because you weren't able to really get down to work on the issues. Your T said "stop what". He probably has no idea what is going on in your head. If you want to work on a trigger a very clear conversation needs to occur with your T.

In September, I brought up the idea of leaving therapy. He knew I was being triggered. I had asked for his help. Neither of us were successful in figuring it out.

When he said, stop WHAT? He was referring to conversations where I felt reminded. Once we had the opportunity to process, he realized how his responses were perceived negatively by me. Most of them were very similar. I would share some insight (usually about myself), he would acknowledge. Then, he would respond as if I didn't know, never shared, etc... I know this may sound SO trivial (and specific) for some but, literally, it's how it worked. Over time, I began to self deprecate. I feel stupid, mentioning it.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Do you mean they called you to remind you of your appointment? My T's office did that, until I mentioned it to him and his response was "tell them not to." I did, and then they didn't call anymore. Nobody, including my T, made a big deal out of such a simple request, so I'm sort of baffled why your T thought it would lead to such a dramatic result.

No, they called to remind me I was NOT having an appointment.

T was baffled because he felt that, over time, I might come to see this as no big deal. I tried to see it that way, I really tried. I just couldn't overcome it.

[Sannah]

Is getting a new T an option?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Is getting a new T an option?

Getting a new T IS an option but I was unable to work through it with this T, and he knows SO much about me. I am having doubts right now about my abilities to untangle the layers and work through it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I am having doubts right now about my abilities to untangle the layers and work through it.

Never lose hope that you can work through anything. Get the right help to do it?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Never lose hope that you can work through anything. Get the right help to do it?

Sannah, thanks for your comments.

I don't blame T. Yes, he could have handled this much differently than he did, but it really is easy for me to give this man grace. Lord knows, he's given me enough.

I do believe he has been the right help. Given my former experience with terminating T and then lying MT, it would be easy for me to write off ALL T's and say that none are trustworthy. I know differently. Without a doubt, he has made mistakes, a few of them, but, at the end of the day, he's taught me more about genuineness, forgiveness and grace than any of the others.

((((((((lost))))))))) I just saw this, and I am so sorry. I really get that the triggers around therapy itself can get to be so intense that it just feels self-protective to cut and run. Boy, do I get it.

Are you okay?

Pm if you need to

Originally Posted by nightsky

((((((((lost))))))))) I just saw this, and I am so sorry. I really get that the triggers around therapy itself can get to be so intense that it just feels self-protective to cut and run. Boy, do I get it.

Are you okay?

Pm if you need to

Nightsky

Thanks for checking in.

I'm okay. Not good, not bad. Just ok. Giving myself the time and space to grieve.