Being attacked because someone doesn't agree

I'm mostly a lurker but when I see something you write in response to someone-I always find it extremely interesting and just offers another way to look at things. I hope you stick around.

As far as the guidelines go, I seen nothing that said T's couldn't post here. All I've seen in the guidelines is that you can't state it in your title under your name. I wish you luck with your position.

Sannah,

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. No one likes being attacked, although as others have said, part of being on a forum is tolerating being attacked. That doesn't make attacking ok, but you know, haters gonna hate, and the more we put out there, the more we lay ourselves open to someone who is going to take what we say the wrong way, or take it personally, or use it as an opening to vent something that has nothing to do with us.

And also as others have said, I think far less attacking actually occurs on here than is perceived. We are all talking about vulnerable stuff, and I'm not saying your perceptions are "incorrect", but that in general this whole who-is-attacking-whom thing gets out of control so fast that no one even has time to just calm down or think, and everyone involved suffers.

I don't always agree with you, sure. But I happen to think it's great that you (1) ASK QUESTIONS -- in fact early on, you inspired me to ask more questions before I jump to giving my two cents, and (2) try to offer up ideas that have helped you in your journey. I have found your contribution to this forum to be quite valuable.

As Chopin said, yes, you're training to be a T -- and so are OTHERS on here. And you know, I find that making a false dichotomy between T and patient -- us and them -- to be petty, immature, and tiresome. What is this, "no grownups allowed"? What is it that makes ANY therapist not welcome and not capable of being supportive? Really, we are that narrow-minded?

From my perspective, it seems that those who want to slap the "therapist" label on you are those who are trying to imply that you somehow consider yourself superior. You have never implied anything of the sort to me -- rather, this is a blatant display of that person's issue with therapists and therapy, and their own feelings of inferiority. A fantastic woman once said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and it's quite true. Every time you accuse someone of acting superior just because of a label like "therapist", or because they have actually made it to the other side of difficult issues and made their way beyond therapy, you are waving a red flag that says, "I feel inferior".

I'm sorry this is turning into a rant Sannah. But honestly. HONESTLY. I'm quite aware of what it's like, in other situations in my life, when someone who is struggling with something that I have made my through, turns on me when I try to tell them what worked for me. "You think you're so smart?" "Oh I'm sorry I'm not PERFECT like you, *I* am still struggling." I see this here all the time. Someone says they come for support, when what they mean is they come for sympathy, pity, maybe enabling, or maybe company for misery. But when you reject the well-intentioned advice from someone WHO STRUGGLED WITH THE VERY SAME PROBLEMS AND HAS OVERCOME THEM, you canNOT tell me you're looking for support. Sannah is one of these people, who is merely offering an approach that helped her. You don't like it? Here's your refund. Stick with people who are as lost as you are, I'm sure that'll turn out well.

I don't really know the backstory to all of this, I'm just responding to what I see in this thread.

Whenever someone has lashed out at me, it is certainly upsetting. Sometimes it gets settled, sometimes it doesn't; sometimes it was partly my fault, sometimes it wasn't. But when I read that comment that throws back in my face all of my suggestions for why things might be working, and what might help, and I start getting upset and my heart starts beating fast, I just close my laptop, and cozy up to my husband, with whom I worked hard to build a wonderful relationship that was not always wonderful or even good. Or call one of my awesome friends, with whom I've worked hard to set good boundaries and not become a doormat. Or really do anything that reminds me of all the hard work I've done, and all the things that that person is missing out on by rejecting my experience outright for reasons that are their own. No matter what anyone says, Sannah, YOU know the value of your experience, and you will always be able to reap the rewards of your hard work, no matter what anyone else wants to say or do.

I'm sorry for saying what I did about the guidelines if it wasn't true. I thought it was.
The thing is, often Sanna seems to just post in a helping role, as in asking very challenging questions, and the overall tone is that of a therapist not a peer. This is unsettling to me.
And I'm sorry about my comment about you being just like my old t. No, it wasn't meant to be helpful, for whoever asked that. There was no big theory behind it. But looking back on it, I should have kept that one to myself. I just have a hard time with being challenged, and you do remind me of the therapist I saw recently.
I've pulled back on posts of my own, as well, and may keep doing so. Nice to hear from you again, Chopin.

SallyBrown, I appreciate what you wrote and found myself agreeing with most of it. Just felt compelled to chime in to say that sometimes people are just not in a place to want advice or guidance on what worked for someone else. I find that sometimes people just need to feel heard, understood, to know that someone can relate so they don't feel alone. "Meeting people where they are" has value. Of course, there's a fine line between providing empathy, enabling certain behaviors and challenging someone. It's hard to know what one is receptive to, is able to handle, or is needing at the time. We've been working a lot on this in group T.

I think it's ok to be not ready for advice or guidance... there's a lot of advice I've gotten here that I didn't take. What I have never done, though, is lash out at someone who said something that they meant to be helpful, that I didn't like. That's all I'm sayin' .

I love that you took ownership for what was yours, Adel34. And I believe your feedback has value.

In group T, asking questions is a way of limiting contact. It comes off as, "I want to know more about you without giving you anything of myself."...or..."I want you to give more without making myself vulnerable to you."...or..."I am putting you on the spot and pressuring you without sharing my motive or reason for doing so"....(stuff like that)....It leaves people wondering why the other person is asking a question, what they gain from it...and leaves a whole lot of room for assumptions and interpretations to come into play.

Of course, on the forum, it's different...but I'd imagine that it falls within the realm of relationship building somewhat.

Sannah, for what it's worth, I value your input. I have seen others go into what I would consider "attack mode" against you, and I'm a little perplexed because some of them are people I really like. I have also seen super defensive, attacking people post here complaining about OTHERS attacking THEM and I find that perplexing as well. I know when others have asked for input or additional insight and I offer my opinion, I have been attacked as harsh or attacking or whatever when the person ASKED for other people's opinions. Maybe I just don't understand humans enough or how things are perceived.

In any event, while I have disagreed with you on a number of occasions (actually, a goodly number of occasions -- LOL), I have always respected that you were willing to offer your insight without insisting that the other person accept your statements or opinions as true. I hope you decide to stay and can work this out for yourself on an emotional level. I am sorry for whatever it is that is happening in your personal life to make this the perfect storm for you.

That's actually one of the reasons I like this board so much, because of the people who do offer help in that way. People here from various background have spent so many years on self improvement and so they seem to be able to share so much about what helped them. I find that so much more helpful that just sitting around feeling sad about life. I've received such good solid advice, sometimes things that I couldn't fully understand at first. I'd hate it if those all who are able to offer practical advice felt driven away because they felt attacked. It makes me sad to hear about so many people receiving nasty PMs too. Ouch.

I find it helpful too....although I do know that there are some circumstances when it's not what I needed or was looking for. But as long as it's delivered in a helpful way, I don't understand the nasty responses. People can just simply provide a courteous acknowledgement...or even bypass the post altogether.

Then again, I'd imagine there are some people who suffer with issues where even the slightest hint of something can trigger a defensive response - as in the case with those who receive things as narcissistic injuries. It's as if they have to destroy the person who they deemed the cause of their response. I've unfortunately been the target of those quite a few times, and it's quite unpleasant.

Sannah, I hope you keep sharing and that you keep trying to work out what you are feeling and facing right now. I appreciate what I've learnt from what you've shared in the past.

What rain said earlier echos some of my thoughts

I always welcome your voice, Hankster.

At this time I will be closing this thread. Unfortunately, it is against guidelines to discuss members, good or bad publicly. This kind of discussion can and is at times very hurtful for members on the receiving end and those just reading this thread.

If anyone every feels as though they are being attacked, please, report the post so that the team can look into the situation and deal with it privately between the members and do not post about it publicly. This is a support site, the key word being support.

Please refer to the sticky thread by DocJohn regarding posting issues in this forum:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=255677

With Care,
sabby