The end

...doesn't matter...sorry everyone

Are you ok?

You matter and what you say matters

((ConfusedUk))

Thanks everyone. I've not been doing so great the last month or so, I've made bad choices and not really cared if they put me in danger or not. I've lost my way a bit and needed guidance. So after a bad weekend I went to see my T to tell all the latest saga in this mess. At least I my had my T, right? T said we needed to talk and I had choices to make. We didn't talk about anything that was bothering me this week or lately,but I needed to. So I have 3 choices. I don't like those 3 choices so that is it, my T is not the right therapist for me and we should schedule a termination date. I don't see them as choices at all, either I stay, do what the therapist wants and end up resenting the T or I go and lose the support I've had for two years. I don't want my T to throw me away, but it looks like that's it. I'm feeling vulnerable.and fragile and to have this happen has really thrown me. I'm not doing termination. I'd rather just never go back

I'm sorry your having such a hard time and feeling so badly about T right now.

Have you tried doing what T wants you to do?? I know for me I would fight and fight T and when I finally was able to drop me defenses some and listened to T, and did what T wanted me to do, it was one of the best things I did. It was a huge fear to let go of complete control and trust T enough to do what she asked me to do, but I did it and I haven't regretted it yet.

I hate hate HATE ultimatums ... and to have one thrown at you by your therapist??! Wow, seems like a sucker-punch to me. I'd be very inclined to never go back.
I don't know the whole story, of course ... so I'm reacting emotionally. What does your T want you to do--and why are you so adamantly opposed? There's a huge back story here. So maybe you're about to throw out the baby (your progress with this T) with the proverbial bathwater (the emotional warfare between you).
Clearly the relationship needs repair. You aren't feeling heard, and I think you have a right to prioritize that ahead of your T's ultimatum.
Let him know the communication isn't there--you don't feel heard.
Take best care of you ... * gentle hugs, enough to last through this *
Roadie

I've told my T I can't/won't do it. I have trust issues that have been made worse lately and i feel by doing what T wants I will make.things worse

I hate ultimatums. It's the one thing I totally freak out about. I will run the other direction rather than giving in.

I understand how you feel, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now.

What happened with T for you to not trust him? Is T aware of why there is no trust?

Hi Roadie, thank you very much for your reply. I hate ultimatums too and being backed into a corner. My T sees it as "choices" but I do not.

Of course, I am over reacting because I am the irrational one and my t is the professional. But it is how it feels to me. I have seen my T for 2 years and have trust issues. My T knows this and has personal details on file. My T now wants more personal details or else we can't continue, I do not feel safe sharing anything else, we've managed for 2 years and it's not been a problem before. I am opposed because of things from my past and if my T were to use the details, someone close to me may react badly, I cant deal with that.

Even if we do continue I have a choice between a 10 year program of therapy up to 3 x weekly (I do not want to think about that amount of time or the huge cost) or focus work on a rolling program.

Whatever I choose I have no control over and will be "led" through the process. Well maybe I'm being petulant and not a proper "adult" but if I'm paying for it then I should have more say. My t wants what is best for me but so do I. The prospect of that many years of therapy terrify me. I know I am in a bad way now, but I hope with support I could get back on my feet, it seems clear I may have to look elsewhere.

I fear abandonment and you could argue t is not abandoning me, but if I don't conform then I know where the door is. My T says I have a problem with boundaries and authority but I don't know if that is true. I know my place and respect authority but my T made out we were equals. Well it doesn't feel equal to me now. I may end up resenting T for doing this so could we even work together? I don't know.

I've felt very alone and now my T does this. Like I said, probably over reacting but I'm hurt by it.

I told my T there was no trust. We have drifted apart and I feel let down. People are leaving me and now my T is giving me this 'choice' just this weekend I had my trust broken by someone I thought I could rely on. T's timing is terrible

Yeah - I would find that very upsetting. I'd want to know WHY T needs more details when you're not ready to give them. I'd want to know WHY T says that you have to do one of these two programs, and how she things they would benefit you. I'd want to know why you have to be led through the programs.

It's been my experience that the most effective therapy is when it's client driven and when it moves at the pace the client needs. (at least, that's true for me...others may find differently). Personally, if my T gave me those options or pushed me for more info than I was ready to share, without giving me some really, really good reasons for it...I'd drop her and find someone new.

T is not an "authority" figure, and really shouldn't be. You are paying them for their professional opinion, but it's your decision whether or not to follow that opinion. They are not in charge of your decision making, and unless you're a danger to yourself or others, they can't really force you in to anything either.

Thanks Rhi,

T says we can no longer work together without it and thats that.

My T thinks I am at risk and make poor decisions, which yes, at the moment I have been but how can I ever change if I don't have that responsibility anymore?

I don't want to be led, that is just going to make me feel incapable of living my life and will add to my insecurity and low confidence.

I don't want my T's permission before I make a choice. I need to learn from making bad choices or else it will take 10 years.

My T says reasons given are good enough and I am just not seeing it or hearing clearly. Maybe so, but it is something I feel strongly about.

I don't want to lose my T but I don't want to do any of the choices. I might as well have been given no choice.

Being led when we need help is NOT a bad thing. When I was super vulnerable and super needy, I depended on being led by T until I found my own strength. And then, after I found my own 'legs', I was able to walk without such strong assistance.

Your T wants you to commit now to ten years of three-sessions-a-week therapy? Or T will drop you? Am I understanding this correctly?

I guess it works for some people, but a lot of my recent problems are because people have made choices for me because they knew better. I don't want that

Not exactly, that is one of my choices if we continue. But we can only continue if I share information I'm not comfortable sharing. If I don't we have to terminate.

Is this information that T feels is relevant to your safety or his ability to help you? Because those are the only reasons that I can see this being an issue.

My T feels it is, but the way I see it, it's not been an issue for two years, so i don't see why I have to share it now

I would think that perhaps it is related to your recent "poor decisions" and concern on your T's part.

Is your T "people"?

Whilst I agree I have made poor decisions, I have also managed to get myself up and out of bed, to work on time on a daily basis. I haven't self harmed for a while now and I have gone to therapy whenever it was possible for us both to meet, I see those as good choices. My T trusts me enough to get help from somewhere if I really need it, so I don't see why this information is so important. If I was threatening to do something I could understand. I don't want to wake up, but I wouldn't actively do something. I neither want to live or die. I just want support, which I am paying for. If I share this with T, I will not be able to tackle subjects for fear of what may happen. I feel safer without T knowing this.

My T is a person. I want to be in control of my life. I would like guidance, not to be led, that is why I go. I don't always make good choices but who does? I'm sure even my T doesn't always. It's part of life, your mistakes help define who you are. I don't want to have to go running to my T before I do anything. I'm happy to talk it through and come to a decision but not be led. I am an indecisive person, but also an independent one. I'm angry because I need my T's support right now, I am at a low point and have more triggers coming in the next few months. I will have to deal with them on my own now, all my T wants to talk about are the choices anyway. I'm not paying to talk about that anymore.

Have you told her this?